


Couldn't Seem to Die

by esompthin



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual James Madison, Character Death, Depression, Disabled Character, Disassociation, Dissociation, Domestic Fluff, Drunkenness, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, French, Genderfluid Character, Hickies, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abusive Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Madison calls all the shots, Minor Self Harm, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Peggy, Physical Disability, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prayer, Recreational Drug Use, Sharing a Bed, Singing, Slow Burn, The Hurricane, They get a dog, Thomas is grumpy 25/7, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Vomiting, Withdrawal, and as always:, binders, hence the minor part, im forcing my sm tendencies onto you, its just scratching tho, small bits of sign language, your heart will b r e a k
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 12:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 126,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12887637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esompthin/pseuds/esompthin
Summary: When the beginning of the end hits, Alexander not only has to face off against the walking dead, but he also has to deal with the elements, his own self-hatred, and a not-so-friendly team.ORThe zombie apocalypse au literally no one asked for, including me.





	1. New York City Streets Get Colder

I won't say that it came suddenly. I won't say that no one saw it coming. Because that's not how these things work. They don't appear out of nowhere with no notice, striking fast, destroying all… This kind of thing grows, slowly, like a cancer or a storm. It creeped up when the world was looking the other way; waiting, stalking. I won't say that the world was unprepared.

But I can admit that I was.

I can say that  _I_ didn't know. That  _I_  wasn't looking. That  _I_  was so stupidly stuck in my head that I had done the unimaginable.

I had missed the beginning of the end. When the world was falling apart, when people were dying, when everything that we had known crumbled…

I had blinked.

A. Ham

* * *

 

It was an incident of circumstance. Bad timing. Horrible tunnel vision. And the kind of personality that only Alexander Hamilton could possess.

The signs were all there.

"It's the fucking end of the world." A coworker hissed, while the news station displayed another outbreak.

Hamilton shuffled his papers, shaking his head, "Well, if we don't get this debt plan through, then, yeah, it will be."

Alex missed the way the entire room turned to look at him.

Just a week later, Alex walked into John Adams' office, only to find that the man wasn't there. He turned to the first person he saw. "Where's Adams?"

There were small tears forming in their eyes as they say, "Mr. Adams has fallen ill."

Alex scoffed and stormed to his own office, muttering about how this put his schedule behind.

Perhaps the most obvious moment was when Hamilton had locked himself in his office. It's in the middle of the highest floor of the building. There are no windows in his office, per his request -" _Windows are distracting."_ \- so he was unaware of when day turned to night. On his office door there are three different padlocks, all of which were locked at the time.

As Alexander was working, clerking, reading and writing, there was a sudden banging on his office door. Alex huffed and ignored it. Most likely it was just Lee wanting to pick another fight. As the banging continued, Alex glanced down at his watch. It was only then that he realized how long he'd been locked in his office. Was it two days now? Three? Regardless, it had been a while. He figured that he had worked long enough. He could take the rest of his work home.

So he packed up his bag; threw his hair up in a messy bun, and grabbed his phone off his desk. He glanced down at it, realizing that it was off. He pressed the power button, but it didn't do anything. Dead.

He took a moment to stretch, letting his spine crack and groan in protest. His chest hurt; he shouldn't be slouching so long. He certainly needed to get home so he could relax his sore body. He was always bad about ignoring the pain.

Just as Alex was about to open the door, where someone was still obnoxiously banging, the power went out. Plunged into darkness, Alex stumbled. He huffed out an annoyed breath and went back to his desk. He spent a moment to rummage through his drawers until he found a flashlight. Rarely do they have power-outages, unless there's a terrible storm outside. The thought made Alex's stomach churn in anxiety.

_You're fine_. He thought,  _It's just a little rain._

But as he listened closely, he couldn't hear any thunder rolling, and the banging on the door had stopped. Alex flicked on the flashlight and pointed it towards the door. Whoever was out there left along with the lights.

Slowly, Alexander made his way out of the building. It was a bit strange; the entire office was empty. Sure, he works late, he's currently working through the weekend, and most of his co-workers are lazy. But the building was completely dark, thanks to the power outage, and papers were thrown everywhere. A chair was knocked over, another completely broken. There were smears of some deep red subsistence on the far wall. Flies flocked to one corner of the room, where a dark lump laid.

God, the people in this office were such slobs.

There was a distinct sound of shuffling coming from down the hall. Alex, head hurting and tired as all hell, didn't want to talk to anybody right now. So he ducked into the stairwell, just as he heard someone groan.

Not his problem.

Alex strolled out of the building, into the bright sunlight. Huh. So there's no storm. Alex grumbled to himself as he wondered if someone drove into a generator again. He'll have to take a look at the news.

The usually busy streets of New York were strangely empty; aside from a few homeless people lying motionless in the shade. Alex stopped to give one of them some change; but the man must've been sleeping, because he didn't respond. Alex left the money on the sidewalk next to him.

It was a beautiful day out. Peacefully quiet, which, for New York, was more than a rarity. There's no way such a thing would happen without reason. Maybe there was a parade going on uptown? Or the president was making a speech? Did Alex miss out on some national holiday?

Regardless of the reason, Alex felt a soft peace roll over him as he observed the sunshine. When he charges his phone, he should call Eliza, and ask how the lake is. It would be a very lovely day for a swim.

See, Eliza and their two children, Philip and Angelica, went up to Maine, where Eliza's father had a summer home. She had tried to convince Alex to go with them, and usually he would, but he was so swamped with work lately that he just couldn't afford a break.

" _Are you sure, darling?" Eliza asked, rubbing Alex's shoulders comfortingly. "Father was looking forward to seeing you again."_

_Alex nodded, offering her an apologetic smile, "I'll go with you next time, I promise. It's just bad timing for a vacation."_

_Eliza pressed a kiss to his cheek, "Okay. We'll tell you everything when we get back."_

" _I want pictures." Alex requested, "Of everything!"_

" _Of course!" Eliza laughed, "Nothing less than the best for you!"_

So they went to Maine, while Alex stayed in New York. His home was quiet, and he always hated the silence, so he decided he'd spend his time in the office. And, well, here he is now.

Walking past a convenience store, Alex scowls. The windows were broken open; and the entire store was bare of products. The police were useless, honestly. This is why he wanted to cut the budget for the police force, they weren't doing their jobs anyway.

When Alex turned the corner, he saw where all the people went. Just down the road, there was a large crowd of people. Surprisingly, they were quiet. Still.

Crowds are rarely quiet and never still. They move, they shout, they cheer or cry. Crowds, especially New York crowds, are there for a reason. And these people appeared almost asleep on their feet. Alex slowly approached; he decided that they must all be homeless, because they're incredibly dirty. Some with injuries on various parts of their bodies. Clothes were muddy, bloody, and torn. Alex was a few feet away, when he steps on a child's toy. It squeaks under the pressure of his shoe.

Suddenly, the crowd isn't quite so quiet. Heads snapped up and looked over to him. Alex had the strange feeling that something was very very wrong.

The people snarled at him, jaws snapping in an almost physically impossible way. They staggered forward, slowly at first, and then they charged, all at once. Alex wasn't stupid. He knew when a group of people were chasing you, you ran.

Heart in his throat, Alex turned and sprinted back down the way he came. There was a thunderous noise as thousands of feet chasing after him spurred Alex forward. He looked back over his shoulder, his feet still propelling him onward. Hundreds, thousands, of monstrous demons in what used to be humans' bodies were following him. Alex stumbled over an old car tire, and he crashed to the ground.

Unadulterated, unexplainable fear tore through Alex's chest. He scooted back, desperately scrambling to get away from the approaching storm. His back hit against the car, and he had nowhere else to go. Alex screamed, holding his arms up to cover his face. If this was how he died, he didn't want to see it.

He could hear the gurgling and snarling getting closer with each furious step. And then, like a semi barreling down an empty street, a semi suddenly barreled down the empty street. The giant truck smashed through the crowd of people, it's horn blaring nonstop. The semi wasn't halted by the force of dozens of bodies. It kept screeching down the street, leaving Alex far behind.

It appeared far more interesting than the whimpering human was, because the angry creatures suddenly changed course and followed after the semi, leaving Alexander alone.

His breath was short and jagged as he fought to keep tears from falling from his eyes. His chest was far too constricted and his mind was still blank with fear. What just happened? What were those?

"Hey!" A voice harshly whispered from somewhere behind him. Alex twisted to see a man covered with weapons and ammo leaning over the hood of the car. He had a gun pointed in the direction of the distracted creatures, as he said, "Did you get bit?"

"W-what?"

"Did they touch you!?" The weapon was now pointed at Alexander.

Alex held up his hands, his fingers shaking, "NO, no, they didn't touch me! I'm untouched! Untouchable! Definitely didn't get touched! I ran, and they chased, but there was no touching involved!"

The gun was lowered and the man stared at him for a long moment, "Hamilton?"

Alex squinted at the guy, "Madison?"

James Madison was one of his coworkers. They worked together on occasion, but mostly kept to themselves. They used to be closer, but then Alex got a promotion, and they just lost touch. Alex never felt more relieved to see the other man in his life. He scrambled up and found himself looking over his shoulder, making sure the creatures were gone. He then jumped around the abandoned car and gripped Madison's shoulder.

"What is happening? What are those!?" Alex hissed, fear still lacing his tone.

Madison shot him a confused look, "You mean the zombies? And the end of the world? Are you serious right now, Hamilton?"

Alex thought for a second, his gaze flicking over Madison's face, trying to figure out if he was joking. "Is that why Jay won't return my emails?"

"Jesus Christ." Madison breathed, shaking his head, "Leave it to you to work through the apocalypse."

Alex was going to say something about that, but there was a soft growling sound coming from the road before them. Madison quickly pushed Alex over to a fire escape, shoving him up the latter.

"Go, go, go."

Alex didn't object, climbing up the fire escape as quickly as he could. Soon, he was on the roof of one of the buildings, hands helping him stand up.

"Ew. It's Hamilton." An annoying voice said.

Alex groaned when he realized who was touching him. "Charles Lee."

Madison was soon standing next to him, looking through the scope of his gun down below. "We're good for now, but that semi won't keep their interest when they realize that there's no one in it."

"Then let's get out of here. We'll be fine without it," Lee glanced at Alexander, "or that. Let's go!"

Madison shook his head once, his voice firm, "Not yet."

"We're already behind schedule. Like, waaay behind." Lee argued, "We need to get out of New York!"

"Not until he returns." Madison said firmly. Alexander noticed his hands were shaking slightly, "We both know we need him if we're going to get through this. So, just. Wait."

Lee threw his hands up in the air, "I can't believe this! Everyone else is gone! Why are we-"

"If you want to leave, then go, but I'm staying!"

"Don't be stupid! He's not worth your life!"

"Oh, like you would understand-"

"If you want to be a sitting duck, then so be it-"

"All you ever do is run-"

Alex blinked rapidly. He's never seen Madison so angry before. Or, at least, not so vocal about it. James Madison was far more quiet and tactful than the man that stood before him now. He didn't yell, the spoke firmly. It's part of what made him a good politician, people believed in his tone. He definitely appears to be under incredible stress; which is understandable. Alex was just now still wrapping his head around the fact that a zombie apocalypse happened. Why had no one told him?

Then, there was a deep groan from the other side of the roof. Immediately, Madison and Lee stopped fighting. They both lifted their guns without a word, pointing it towards the noise. Alex held his breath.

Slowly, from behind the air conditioning machine, came a figure. A man, with wild hair and a strong build. Madison's shoulders relaxed as he said, "Hold your fire!"

Lee muttered something that Alex couldn't quite catch as Madison raced across the roof. Alex and Lee jogged after him, slowing down as they approached. Madison was touching every part of the man, his hand skittering over his face, his shoulders, his chest; looking for any new wounds. The man was, surprisingly, smiling at Madison's antics.

"I'm fine, Jimmy. And, look, I got it!" The man said, waving something in the air gently. Madison took the small black object from his hands and grinned. The man tapped his own cheek, "I believe you owe me a 'thank you'?"

Madison chuckled and swatted the man away. Instead of pressing a kiss to his cheek, he inspected the object in his hands.

"What's that?" Alex asked, stepping closer.

The man put a hand on Madison's shoulder, his other hand twitching for the gun by his side, "Who the fuck are you?"

"I asked first." Alex said childishly.

Before anyone could reply, there was a deep explosion in the distance. Alex felt the  _BOOM_  revinate through his tight chest. He turned to see smoke rising from between the buildings.

"We have to go." Lee hissed, "Now!"

Without another word, the man ducked back behind the air conditioning, Lee following him. Madison kept his gun close to his chest and nodded after them, indicating to Alex that he'd take the rear. So Alexander shuffled around the A/C to see Lee zipping down a cord that connected two buildings together. The mystery man was already on the other side, ready to catch Lee.

"What the shit-" Alex muttered, but Madison was shoving some thick wire in his hands.

"There's no time to be scared, just do it!" Madison hissed. Taking the advice, Alex wrapped the wire around his wrist and then flung it over the cable, before wrapping it around his other hand. Taking as deep of a breath as he could, he swung himself forward. He felt the cable lurch under his weight, but it stayed connected. Alex wanted to close his eyes, but curiosity made him look down. Hundreds of feet below him were the streets he use to roam. Now they appeared terrifyingly far away. Alexander wasn't afraid of heights, but this kind of thing can freak anyone out. Maybe that's why he didn't realize how close the other building was becoming.

He didn't slow down his descent, he didn't know how, so instead, he ended up barreling onto the other roof with a speed that wasn't suggested upon. But the mystery guy still caught him, surprisingly.

Alex found the breath sucked out of him as large hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him off the makeshift zipline. Thick lips smirked at his expression as he was gently put down. Alex almost said something, but he was having trouble breathing and another explose went off, then.

Madison appeared on the roof next to him, landing gracefully into the man's arms.

"Keep going!" Madison said, taking a second to look through his scope again. Alex was pushed along by the tall man. The next break in the building didn't have a zipline with it, but that was fine, because a makeshift bridge took it's place. What appeared to be a long dining table was connecting the two buildings together. Lee was already on the other side, holding the table still. Alex didn't like the way he kept shifting on his feet, like he was ready to abandon the table and run.

Alex climbed across it first, his hands sweaty and his mind carefully blank. He had a feeling if he thought too much, if he really took in what was happening, he wouldn't be able to focus. And while he's flying across rooftops, it seems like a very important time to focus.

Madison was the last one across again, and as he jumped onto the new roof, he turned and pushed the table off. It fell down to the alley below, cracking into pieces.

The next roof was rather long. The man before him suddenly stumbled, tripping over nothing, and crashing to the ground. Before Alex could react, Madison sprinted past him, helping the man up.

"I'm fine, James, I'm fine." The man hissed, stumbling to his feet, mostly relying on Madison's help. Madison looked like he was about to say something, but the man continued running, escaping his grasp. "See? I'm fine!"

Madison grumbled under his breath, but turned back to look behind them. He allowed Alex to pass him as he retook the position at the rear. Alex realized that the buildings were getting shorter and wider as they made it to the edge of the city.

Soon they were going to run out of roofs to jump onto.

But Lee was way ahead of them, literally. Alex watched as he jumped off the last roof, and for a second, Alex thought the guy just plummeted to his death. But then he heard the distinct rumble of an engine.

Looking over the edge, Alex saw a fancy bus a few feet below him; one of those travel ones with the bathrooms in it. It was waiting for them at the edge of the roof. Alex watched as the man with curly hair jumped onto the roof of the bus and then swung himself inside through the window. He made the whole thing look effortless.

Alexander flinched as Madison suddenly shot something, the sound ringing in his ears. Madison was facing behind them, cocking his gun again. Alex didn't want to know what he saw. He took a breath and jumped, landing on the bus a moment later with a loud  _thunk_.

Then he awkwardly slid himself through the same window that the others went through. He landed slowly, wanting to not hurt himself. A moment later, there was a soft  _thwap_  on the ceiling and then Madison was sliding through the window next to him. He quickly turned and slid the window closed.

"Drive!" Madison shouted, and Lee slammed on the gas, pulling them out of the alley and into the streets. He swerved around abandoned cars and debris excellently, but it made for a rocky ride. Alex had to hold onto the seat in front of him to keep steady.

Now that he had stopped moving, Alexander realized how much he couldn't breathe. His chest was far too tight for so much exercise. He gasped in shallow breaths, trying to calm down. He closed his eyes as the world began to spin slightly. As the bus rumbled and jerked, Alex felt his breathing come back to him, slowly. His chest was still aching, though, and he knew he'd have to fix that eventually.

"I can't believe you would disappear like that!" Madison suddenly hissed. Alex turned to see him and the other guy staring out the windows, making sure that they weren't being followed. "That was  _not_  the plan!"

"Look, you and bozo over there had the zombies distracted. We needed it, I got it." The guy said, waving the little black thing around again.

"You could've been hurt- or worse!"

"Expelled?!" The man raised his eyebrows in mock horror.

"This isn't funny, Thomas!"

"Jimmy, I'm fine! You're fine! Lee's unfortunately fine, and whoever the new guy is looks like he might pass out, which is fine with me, so I don't see what you're so upset about!"

Alex knew now was probably a bad time to interrupt, but he was never good at timing anyway, so why should he start now? "I'm Alexander Hamilton."

He held out his hand. The guy looked at it and snorted. He shook his hand, but without much enthusiasm. "Thomas Jefferson."

Jefferson shared a look with Madison, and then crossed his arms. "Speaking of which. I thought we said that less was more? We can't afford any more people."

"There's four of us, Thomas. It's not like I invited all of Manhattan." Madison rolled his eyes, "Besides, I worked with Hamilton. Trust me, you'll want him on our side."

Lee spoke up from the front of the bus, "We could always drop him off in the middle of nowhere. Or eat him."

"Lee, you disgust me." Jefferson drawled, not at all surprised by the other man's jokes. Hopefully they were jokes. Alex shifted awkwardly, keeping a sharp eye on their driver. "No, we'll keep him. For now."

Alex felt something dark loom over him. He shifted in his seat as the last of New York faded in the distance and they were on the highway. They were going down the wrong lanes, since all the lanes that were directed out of the city were piled up with cars. Alex watched them as they went by.

"So." Alex said softly, looking up at Madison, "How did this happen?"

"What do you mean?" Jefferson asked.

"Our friend here missed the beginning of the end." Madison said, running a hand over his face.

Jefferson's frown deepend, "How!?"

Alex shrugged, smiling sheepishly, "I had a paper due?"

Madison laughed at Jefferson's expression. He sat down in the seat across the aisle from Alexander and set his gun by the window. "Where do I start?"

"They thought it was just an illness at first." Jefferson said, leaning heavily against Madison's seat. "Like the flu, or that zika virus, or whatever."

"People were getting sick left, right, and middle." Madison said, "It was sad, sure, but no one was really worried about it."

"Parents made sure their kids washed their hands more, and some people started wearing those doctor masks," Jefferson waved his hand vaguely, "but that was about it. No one was really demanding for a cure."

"But then people died from it." Madison's voice grew dark, "And then the first body rose."

"Scientists think it was from mosquitoes. Or something in our food. Either way, it spread quickly." Jefferson's eyes grew distant. "And when the bodies started biting people, well…"

Madison took Jefferson's hand in his own. "We didn't stand a chance."

There was a silence for a moment, and then Lee continued from the front of the bus. "All of this was in the news, of course. But it was also happening around us. I don't know how the hell you missed it."

"I was busy…" Alex mumbled, feeling mighty foolish for being so oblivious to such an obvious thing.

"Well, the rest of us saw it coming." Jefferson said, a small smile playing on his lips. "So I stole this bus, grabbed as much supplies from my farm as I could, came up to New York and grabbed Madison."

Alex took a moment to look at the piles and piles of food, camping supplies, weapons, and clothing in many of the seats. They had a pretty good haul. Almost anything they would need was sitting somewhere in one of these little benches.

"As we were about to leave, Lee joined us." Madison said, gesturing to the driver. "We were headed out of the city, when we realized it would be smart to grab my solar powered GPS from my apartment."

Jefferson held up the black object then. "I went to get it as Lee hooked up that semi to go blaring down the street."

"It was good timing that we found you when we did." Madison added. "As for the zombies, we've learned that they're very active in the light. When there's no lights on, or if it's night, it's like they hibernate."

"But the zombies I saw were like that in the middle of the day." Alex said.

"It's probably been awhile since they ate." Jefferson shrugged, "Then they slow down. Unless a noise wakes them up." He paused, then added, "Have you never seen a zombie movie?"

"Not really." Alex mumbled quietly, soaking it all in. "Okay... So where are we headed now?"

"North." Jefferson said.

"North?" Alex frowned.

"North." Madison nodded, "You see, when everything started going down, people, for some reason, flocked to the south. Most food is grown in the southern states and there are excellent old military sights there… It just seemed smart."

Alex nodded, he would probably go south as well. Hell, he might even go back to Nevis. Once all the zombies are killed off, an island seems like the perfect place to stay. No one can get in. He sees the appeal of it.

"It wasn't smart." Jefferson sighed. "See, the more people, the quicker disease spreads."

"And the less food rationings everyone gets." Madison said.

"So, south was a bad idea. We're going away from all of that." Jefferson licked his lips. "I know a place to go, in Canada, actually. It's perfect."

Alex waited for him to explain further, but he didn't. So Alex figured that was his full history lesson. Lee ran over something especially bumpy and Jefferson stumbled into Madison's lap. The two chuckled and leaned towards each other as Madison wrapped an arm around Jefferson's waist. Jefferson dipped his head to rest on Madison's shoulder. Alex glanced away as he breathed in deeply, inhaling Madison's scent.

"Better get comfy." Madison advised, looking at Alexander from over Jefferson's shoulder, "It's going to be a long ride."


	2. The World Turned Upsidedown

Alex doesn't know how long they've been on the road. But after a while, with nothing else to focus on, he starts to feel the stitch in his side and the harshness in his lungs. His eyes water a bit as he tries to take subtle deep breaths. The air feels thin as he rests his head on the seat before him. Sweat starts to form on the back of his neck in his effort to stay calm. He hears himself let out a small whimper.

He jumps when a hand lays gently on his shoulder. Alex looks up to see Madison's stern expression staring down at him. Shit. The man glanced over at Jefferson, who's fiddling with the GPS, and Lee, who was driving steadily down the abandoned highway. Still, he spoke quietly, barely above a whisper, "How long have you been wearing it?"

Alex licked his lips, wincing, "A few days? Since Friday morning?"

"Goddammit, Hamilton." Madison sighed. Jefferson glanced over at them curiously, but was quickly engrossed in the GPS once more. Madison nodded over towards the bathroom at the back of the bus, "Go take it off. It's not healthy to wear it this long."

Alex's heart pounded faster than before as he looked at Jefferson and Lee. What if they figured it out? What if they asked Madison? Would he tell? Has he told anyone in the years that he's known? Alex wanted to protest, to pretend like he was fine, but his back was sore and he couldn't breathe. He knew Madison was right, he had to take it off. Silently, he nodded and stood up.

Madison didn't move out of the way just yet. Instead, he leaned in a little more, his lips almost brushing Alex's ear as he whispered, "Let me know if you need help."

Alex gave him a thankful smile and quickly made his way to the back of the bus.

The little bathroom they had was no larger than a closet. He could barely turn around in it, and each time the bus bounced too much, the slimy liquid in the makeshift toilet sloshed. The mirror was cracked, and there was no sink. But it was enough. It gave Alexander the privacy to do what he had to.

Even still, he was nervous as he slipped off his outer suit jacket. After a second of debate, he awkwardly sat it on the floor by his feet. There were no hooks or counters, and it will probably get dirty, anyway. His hands shook slightly as he loosened his tie. It didn't matter that the slightly-stuffy material was now sitting on his discarded jacket; he still felt as though he were choking. Alex avoided making eye-contact with his reflection as he unbuttoned his shirt. His fingers fumbled over some of the small buttons, but he was able to slip the material off his shoulders without much issue.

Alex steeled himself, and then risked a glance up in the mirror. He wasn't a very strong man. He was short, and had some pudge to him - thanks to Eliza's cooking. He certainly didn't look very manly right now; sweating and face red. He looked away before he thought too much about it. This had to be done, after all.

First, Alex dipped his fingers under the tight band of his binder, and he pulled it upward until it rose above his breasts. Then, he leaned forward, a bit painfully, and his hands scrabbled at his back, until he could pull the binder up and over his head. He let the white garment fall down in his growing pile of clothes.

Shaking, Alex took a deep breath for the first time in days. A soft whimpering noise escaped his lips as he stretched his sore muscles. He raised his arms above his head and groaned as his back popped. He froze and his face flushed darkly as he realized that the others were in the bus just behind the door.  _Fuck_ , they're going to figure it out. Alex's nails dug into his skin as he realized Eliza would have his head if she knew he'd worn it so long. That is… if she was still alive.

Hesitantly, Alex twisted around, checking himself in the mirror. He didn't  _think_ his ribs were misshapen or anything. He might've gotten lucky this time.

But Madison  _was_  right. He should spend a day or two without wearing it. His body needs rest. Alex ground his teeth together at the thought of being around all these strangers without his binder.

Alex spent a few minutes leaning against the wall, focusing on his breathing. It was easier, now that his chest wasn't constricted, but that didn't make it any less painful. His body  _hated_  him right now. That's what he gets, he supposes.

Slowly, Alex pulled his shirt back on, buttoning it up with shaking hands. He doesn't even have a bra. And his shirt was white. Great. He glanced at the door, wondering if Jefferson or Lee would notice. He put his suit jacket back on, just so he could possibly hide his chest behind it.

Awkwardly, he folded up his binder and shoved it into his jacket pocket. He wrapped his tie around his wrist, fiddling with the material anxiously. Alex sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He was okay. He could do this. This was no different than a lazy day with Eliza. Or before he got his binder. This is fine. No one will notice.

Alex was still nervous as he opened the bathroom door and walked back out to the seats. Madison caught his gaze and raised an eyebrow. Alex subtly gave him a thumbs-up, before going to sit in one of the empty seats. Madison seemed pleased. Alex tried to make himself as invisible as possible. As he looked out the window at the passing roads, he found it was only a little easier to breathe.

* * *

"Have you ever fired one of these?" Jefferson asked, holding up a pistol in front of Alex.

"Um… no." Alex admitted quietly. He had his suit wrapped around himself tightly, his arms in front of his chest. Madison was watching them from across the bus. "Out of everything I've done, shooting isn't one of them."

Jefferson didn't seem surprised, "Alright, well it's simple. You got your dominant hand high on the back strap - that's the handle. Your support hand wraps around like this." Alex watches intently as the man demonstrates clearly the proper hand positioning. His fingers were dark and long; nimble and experienced. Alex's ears darkened as he briefly imagined those fingers doing vulgar things. He had to admit, he was a bit glad he had some eyecandy to keep him entertained. "And we can't always do this, because we're running for our fucking lives, but you're supposed to stand like this, okay?"

Alex nodded as Jefferson stood with his legs apart, his knees bent. He raised his gun and points it towards one of the windows. "Okay."

"Always treat every gun as if it's loaded, got it?" Jefferson said, stiffly returning to normal standing, "I don't need you blowing off one of our asses because you thought it was empty."

"That one's kinda obvious." Alex muttered.

Jefferson cocked his head towards Lee, "You'd be surprised."

Madison moved to stand beside them, saying, "And  _always_  get us for help. If there's zombies around, don't try to be a hero. We're in this together, alright?"

Jefferson scoffed and handed Alex the pistol. "Just don't waste too many bullets."

"One's more than enough." Alex muttered to himself, rolling the gun in his hands a bit.

Jefferson glared at Madison, "Yeah,  _great_ addition to the team."

The taller man slowly walked over to one of the empty seats, sitting far enough away that he was out of earshot. Madison sighed and ran a hand across his neck, "How are you taking all this?"

"How do you  _think_  I'm taking it, Madison?" Alex asked, setting the pistol down in the seat behind him, so he wouldn't accidentally set it off or something. "I leave work one day to discover that the world I know is gone forever. Nothing matters anymore, because, because it's become fucking  _World War Z_  overnight!"

Madison sighed and nodded, like this wasn't the first time he'd had this conversation. He gestured for Alex to sit down, and the man did, but it did little to ease his tension. Madison sat next to him, pulling out his handkerchief. He handed it to Alex as he said, "I get it. What you're feeling right now, we've all been through it."

"I have  _no idea_  where my family is." Alex whispered, pressing the handkerchief to his lips. "They were in Maine before this started… visiting Eliza's father…"

"They didn't try to contact you before the phone lines went down?" Madison asked.

"My phone was off." Alex admitted. "I didn't want to get distracted."

Madison chuckled softly. "You're one interesting man, Alexander."

Alex was quiet for a long moment, his gaze drifting out of focus as he thought about his wife and children. "They're dead, aren't they?"

Madison's smile fell, his mouth twisting thoughtfully. "I can't promise you they're alive. But I can't guarantee they're dead, either."

If this were any other time, in any other situation, Alex would have rolled his eyes at how vague Madison was being. He'd call the man out for being too political, instead of just answering the question. But right now, Alex wasn't thinking about any of that. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and looked over to Madison's grim expression, "And your family?"

Madison sighed, "I don't know if it's preferable or not... But I only saw Dolley after... She had been shot in the head. I didn't see her get bit and change. I only saw the corpse. So…" He shrugged, blinking back tears, "There's that."

Alex glanced over at Jefferson, "And him?"

"Thomas wasn't as lucky." Madison said, lowering his voice. "He had to do the job himself."

Alex almost didn't bother asking about Lee. He really didn't care what that man had to go through. But curiosity got the best of him, "What about Lee?"

Madison shrugged, "Don't know. When I ran into him, he was alone. Terrified. He begged me and Thomas to take him with us. We needed an extra pair of hands, so we agreed. He hasn't told us anything, but I think he abandoned his family. Thought he could do better on his own."

Alex shook his head quietly, his fingers rubbing against the cloth in his hands. His body felt cold at the thought.  _He_  abandoned his family, too. Didn't he? Eliza asked for him to go with them, and he refused. Sure, it may have been unintentional. But he was no better than Lee.

His family was dead. That's all there was to it. They were either dead, or zombies. Alex was briefly thankful he wasn't wearing his binder, trying not to cry while being unable to breathe didn't sound like a good combination.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye." Alex whispered, his hands shaking.

Madison put an arm around him, "I know. It sucks, but this is the world we live in now. Be glad we found you; otherwise that hoard would be picking you out of their teeth."

Alex scoffed, "I'd prefer that."

Lee shouted from the front suddenly, "Truck stop up ahead - we wanna check it?"

"How we doing on fuel?" Madison asked, standing up. His soft tone was gone, his shoulders tight. He was all business now. Alex was almost impressed by the instant change in demeanor. Madison was a good politician, when they worked together. But he wasn't much of a leader. He put in his thoughts and he sometimes debated points, but he wasn't like this. Powerful, confident, unopposed. Alex didn't know how he did it. He was falling apart, while Madison was thriving. It all felt backwards, but right, somehow.

"Less than half." Lee replied.

Jefferson sat up straighter in his seat, "We can't risk it."

"We have to." Madison said, his tone leaving no room for argument. "Half a tank won't get us far. We get in, we get out. No messing around, alright  _Thomas_?"

Jefferson grumbled, but nodded. He started loading one of his guns as he said, "Who's on first?"

"What's on second." Madison replied, "Lee and I will check for gas. You and Alex go inside."

Alex shot Jefferson a concerned look. The man didn't appear pleased about this arrangement, he hissed at Madison, "Seriously, James? You want the new guy with  _me_? That's too many variables."

"Don't be stupid and watch each other's backs." Madison said, patting Jefferson's cheek condescendingly, "You'll be fine."

"Kiss my fat, black ass." Jefferson grumbled, swatting Madison's hand away.

"Later, darling." Madison replied, quickly loading a shotgun, "Now, it's showtime."

The truck stop almost looked normal, except for all the deserted cars everywhere. Two vans had crashed into each other in the parking lot, while off to the side there were rows of semis with broken windows.

"Looks like it's already been jacked." Lee commented as he parked the bus in the middle of the road.

"Still gotta try." Madison said, not moving his gaze away from the empty building. His eyes were quick and calculating, scanning for any signs of zombies. "It's all we can do."

The bus was stopped, but Lee didn't open the door. No one moved. Alex glanced between the three men, confused. "...What are we waiting for?"

Jefferson had his gun up, looking through the scope. His voice was quiet as he said, "The early bird."

"Noise of the bus engine would probably get a few zombies excited. They'll come looking." Madison explained, "If none show up in a minute, we can go."

It was the longest minute of Alex's life. He stood stiff, his heart pounding uncontrollably as he watched for movement between the semis. Lee was twitching, his fingers gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white. The engine was still running, and he had a foot resting on the gas pedal, ready to shift gears and go.

Finally, Madison spoke, "Okay. Set your watches, eight minutes. No longer, understood,  _Thomas_?"

"Yeah, I fucking got it,  _mom_." Jefferson grumbled, fiddling with the watch on his wrist. Alex didn't have a watch, he awkwardly played with his pistol.

Madison gave the signal, and Lee opened the bus' doors. The three other men moved quickly, guns raised and watches counting. Alex jogged after Jefferson, his breathing shallow. Madison and Lee expertly disappeared between the semis, gas containers in hand. Alex stumbled when he heard gunshots, but Jefferson didn't seem concerned, so they continued on their own path.

Jefferson led the way to the convenience store. He paused outside the glass door, holding up a hand as he peered through the window. Alex stumbled to a stop beside him, kicking gravel in his way. Jefferson shot him a glare, and Alex sheepishly looked away.

Jefferson quickly opened the door and ducked into the store. Alex scrambled after him, his pistol down by his side. Jefferson effectively scouted the dark building, his gun pointed towards the dark corners. Alex didn't see anything, and once Jefferson decided it was relatively safe, he lowered his gun slightly.

"Okay." He said, coming back to stand by Alex, "Grab anything that looks valuable."

Alex frowned, "Like … jewelry?"

Jefferson rolled his eyes, "No, stupid. Like  _food_ , any kind of weapon, blankets, shit like that." He shoved a fist-full of plastic bags into Alex's chest. Alex yelped and jumped back, clutching his suit jacket against himself, his face red. Jefferson immediately whipped around, his gun raised. He relaxed when no zombies immediately came running. He growled and turned back to Alex, "And be  _quiet_ , dammit."

It took Alex a minute to move from his spot by the door. Jefferson didn't say anything. Alex was just freaking out over nothing. He's fine. He's fine. Alex quickly moved to the other side of the convenience store, letting Jefferson scope out his side.

Stepping over trash and debris, Alex looked up and down the isles. Most stuff was already taken. But there were a few things that caught Alex's eye. There was a lone red Gatorade that was laid on the floor. Alex set down his gun to pick up the drink. After inspection, Alex decided it was unopened and worth keeping. He tucked it into his plastic bag and continued slowly walking.

A single light flickered over a clothing rack. The soft buzz of electricity was the only sound, aside form Alex's footsteps. Alex's steps sped up a little as he saw them. A holy grail of stitched cloth and fabric. He never thought he'd be so happy for clothes, of all things (binders excluded), but he felt his heart lighten at the thought of getting out of this suit. If he was  _really_ lucky, there might be a bra? No, what kind of truck stop has bras on hand? What's the ratio of female-to-male truckers? It doesn't matter anymore, focus Alex.

For some reason, no one thought to take all the college sweaters and tourist shirts. Things that say "I Heart NYC" and "Brooklyn Bitch", even though they were a bit of a drive away from Brooklyn. Alex found a grey NYC shirt and a dark green hoodie that had an apple on it. He shoved them into his plastic bag and continued to look through the rack. It'd be good to have more than just two (three, counting the button up he was already wearing) shirts. He ended up grabbing another sweater, but all the other shirts were smalls and wouldn't work well with Alex's unfortunate chest situation. He'd need mediums, at least.

From over the isles, Alex could see Jefferson messing with something by the cash registers. Alex watched him for a second as his face lit up with excitement. There certainly were uglier people to be stuck in an apocalypse with.

_Got over Eliza real quick, didn't ya?_

Guilt shot through Alex as he quickly looked away. Fuck, his wife was dead. His wife, the love of his life, is, she's -

A dark growl made Alex's blood shoot cold as he turned around and saw the dark, snarling face of a teenager. She was wearing what must've been the truck stop's logo on her torn shirt. Her lone eye locked with Alex's and he quickly looked around for his gun. His gun, where's his gun?!

The girl limped forward, her foot was twisted in an awkward angel and her left hand was missing fingers. She reached out for him, and Alex jumped backwards, crashing into an empty display case.

He tripped and landed hard on the floor, his back hitting the tile with a loud  _thunk_. He hissed in pain, momentarily distracted from the growling, spitting face of the animalistic creature. Alex snapped out of it and screamed, desperately trying to scoot backwards, but he was cornered between the isles. The girl leaped forward, arms outstretched, Alex closed his eyes and braced himself for his end.

BANG BANG!

Two gunshots split the air, followed by a sickening  _thump_  as a limp body fell to the ground next to Alex. The man looked up to see an annoyed Jefferson staring down at him, gun in hand. He held up Alex's pistol and coldly said, "You keep this with you  _at all times_. Don't put it down.  _Ever_."

Alex numbly nodded, taking the gun from him. He slowly stood up, his eyes on the dead zombie's body. Nausea burned in the back of his throat as he stood on shaky knees. He gun in his hand felt heavy.

"Come on, let's go." Jefferson said, "This place doesn't have nothing good, and we're running out of time."

Alex nodded and gripped his plastic bags and his pistol like his life depended on it. Soon they were ducking out of the store, running across the parking lot. The bus doors were open, and Lee was sitting behind the wheel, shoulders tense. Jefferson stumbled slightly, but didn't fall, catching himself on the side of the bus. He jumped onto the stairs just as his watch went off, beeping. Alex climbed in after him, the doors shutting quickly behind him.

As soon as the doors were closed, Lee was barreling down the road, sending Jefferson crashing down in the isle.

"Goddammit, Lee!" Jefferson hissed, furiously sitting up.

Alex snorted, even as he leaned heavily against the seats, panting, "You have no balance."

"Fuck you, you ratty little midget!" Jefferson's anger turned to Alex, who only shook his head, still exhausted from running. God, why'd they run so fast anyway? Nothing was chasing them. It seemed like an important question, so he asked it. Jefferson was rubbing his left thigh through his jeans, still angry.

Lee was the one who answered, "Time limit. If you're not back before the watches go off, we're leaving without you."

"Why?" Alex asked, "It looked pretty safe, aside from that one inside. We could've taken our time."

Lee shook his head, not taking his eyes off the abandoned road, "We can't risk it like that. What if a hoard of zombies just jumps out from nowhere, and we were unprepared because we thought we were safe? Get in, get out, make it back before time's up. That's how you stay alive."

Jefferson froze suddenly, his head snapping up, "Where's James?!"

"Right here, Thomas. Don't worry." A voice came from behind them. They turned to see Madison shifting through the piles of supplies.

"What's with the silent treatment, man?" Jefferson asked, still sitting on the floor. "Thought I'd have to stab Lee and go back for you."  
"Sorry, darling." Madison said, picking up a map, "I was lost in thought. We're only at three-fourths tank, and we're not going to keep getting lucky with abandoned vehicles. We'll have to figure out an alternative eventually."

Jefferson shrugged, which was awkward, considering how twisted his body was at the moment. "I don't know, we'll burn that bridge when we get there."

Madison nodded in agreement, folding the map up for now. "Well, what'd you get?"

"Help me up." Jefferson said. Alex stepped forward, holding out his hand, only to get swat at, "No, not you! James."

Madison sighed as he moved to stand behind Jefferson. He wrapped his arms under Jefferson's armpits and pulled, as Jefferson pushed himself off the floor, his knees shaking slightly. Madison stayed close to him, even after he stood up straight. Jefferson leaned against the shorter man, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. They shared a look, having a silent conversation. Madison raised his eyebrow, and Jefferson sighed dramatically before sitting down in an empty seat.

"There ain't much. I got a few batteries, who knows how long they'll last, though." Jefferson said as he pulled his plastic bags over. "I got a shitton of lighters. Five, I think."

"Good." Madison praised, running a hand through Jefferson's hair. "Anything else?"

"More maps. Lots of magazines." Jefferson shifted through his bag, thinking.

Alex interrupted, "Why do we need magazines?"

Jefferson barely bothered to glance at him before shaking his head. Madison answered for him, "You can burn them. To start fires."

"I also have a box of poptarts, a pair of flip flops, and a hair brush." Jefferson said, finally looking up from his supplies. "I think that's it."

Madison nodded thoughtfully, "That'll have to be enough. We're already better off than others, with what you grabbed from the farm. But the food won't last. We'll need more than some old poptarts."

Jefferson nodded, tilting his head further into Madison's touch. He was quiet for a second, before his face lit up and he exclaimed, "OH! Also, I found some of these!"

Alex watched as the man pulled something from his back pocket. His brow furrowed when he saw the small, circular packages. From the driver's seat, Lee asked, "What are they?"

"Condoms." Madison said, his tone carefully blank. "Thomas grabbed condoms."

Jefferson was still looking awfully proud of himself, until Alex asked, "But… why?"

Maybe there was some creative purpose for keeping condoms? Like with the magazines? Maybe they could be used as bandages or something? Alex didn't know.

The man's gaze darted between the other three, his face growing red, "Because, like, you know, what if we have to repopulate the world or something?"

"One, none of us are chicks." Lee said, "Two, that's fucking gay."

Alex didn't like how he said that. Either of those. But the first one had him a bit more bothered than the second for the moment. His gaze anxiously shifted to Madison, who wasn't looking at him. Would he tell?

Instead of outing Alex, James' hand moved from Jefferson's hair to his shoulder, as he asked bluntly, "Thomas. How would  _condoms_  help  _repopulate_  the earth? Those two are very contradictory statements."

Jefferson's blush darkened and he shoved his condoms back into his pocket, "Alright, well, when we meet a hot survivor chick, I'm not sharing."

Madison was grinning as he said, "Sure, Tom."

"What the fuck did you grab, newbie?" Jefferson growled, turning the attention to Alexander.

Alex blinked in surprise, before saying, "Oh, just some-"

Jefferson snatched the plastic bag out of his hands, looking into it. Alex is suddenly glad that he didn't find a bra. He could only imagine the ridicule he'd get from the other man. Jefferson glanced up at him with an unimpressed expression, "Wow, three hoodies and a gatorade. Well done, you've saved us all."

"It was all I could find." Alex said, wrapping his suit jacket around himself. He snatched the bag back, "And excuse me, but I was kinda looking for clothes above all else."

Madison nodded in approval, "A suit would certainly get annoying after a while. Especially since you've been wearing it since friday."

"Yeah, I've already lost my tie." Alex said, looking under the seats, "I don't know where that went."

"Next time find some pants." Jefferson said, his eyes watching the trees out the windows, "And long socks."

Even though the words were directed to Alex, it was Madison who nodded, "I'll keep that in mind."

Alex held up his gatorade, "Where do I put this?"

"Third seat to the back, on the left." Madison said, "That's our drinks seat. While your back there, you can change out of that button-up if you want."

Alex awkwardly shook his head, "Oh, I'll just, uh, wait til tomorrow. The sun's setting… I'll just sleep in this for now."

"If you insist." Madison shrugged.

"Who's on first?" Jefferson asked, from around his yawn.

"What's on second." Madison replied running his hand through Jefferson's curls again. "Me and Lee. You sleep, we'll wake you when it's your watch."

Jefferson nodded, wrapping his arms across himself. Alex took that moment to stand up and put the gatorade away. As he was walking to the back of the bus, he heard Madison say quietly, "And Thomas? Take it off."

"Fuck you, I'm fine." Jefferson grumbled.

"This isn't up for debate." Madison replied.

There was a long pause. Alex set his gatorade down by a box of water bottles. He pretended to be busy counting their supplies. Finally, Jefferson said, "I'll do it tomorrow. Promise."

Briefly, Alex wondered what they could have been talking about. But, he got distracted when he saw the way Jefferson leaned up to kiss Madison's cheek. Lee gagged from the front seat, but thankfully didn't comment further. Alex felt a shiver run down his spine. Maybe he was in somewhat good company afterall?

Madison made his way to the back of the bus, "Pick a free seat and get settled. This is your only chance to sleep before your watch."

Alex nodded and found a seat a few behind Jefferson's. When he sunk down into the cushions, he had some semblance of privacy. The cheap cushions were itchy, but it was better than some school bus. He really didn't have much room to complain, given the conditions. Still, as he closed his eyes, he imagined the feel of his wife's arms around him, and his son's laughter in his ears. He was thankful that he had mastered the skill of the silent cry as a child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!


	3. Feels More Like a Memory

Alex was flicking through one of the many magazines that Jefferson had grabbed. He was trying to figure out which Disney prince was his soulmate, when Lee said something that made his blood run cold.

"Damn, look at that water. You guys ready for a bath?"

Alex gaze shot to the others, who didn't seem anything strange about this question, then to the large river passing by outside their windows. Madison's expression was thoughtful as he considered their options. "We might still be too close to New York."

"We've been driving for three days, it'll be fine." Jefferson replied from where he was sitting on one of the seats. Even as he said this, he looked out the windows at the passing brush, wondering if a zombie was waiting there.

Madison pursed his lips, "We shouldn't risk it. If we haven't gotten infected yet, we're probably not carrying anything. We've spent too much time in New York, and we-"

Jefferson shook his head, standing up in the aisle, "Don't fight me on this, James Madison Jr.. Your immune system is shit; we should stay as clean as we can. It's been nearly two weeks since our last bath, we need this."

Alex saw the muscles in Madison's jaw twitch. His voice was hard as he told Lee, "Pull over."

The bus started to slow to a low rumble as they neared a bridge. Alex stood up, looking to Madison, "Uh - what's happening?"

"Jefferson's a pussy." Lee called from the front, "He can't handle a little dirt."

Alex glanced over to Jefferson, who was ignoring Lee completely.

"Whenever we reach a suitable river or lake, we wash our clothes." Madison explained, glaring at Jefferson over his shoulder. "Thomas believes it helps us not get infected."

Jefferson pushed Alex out of the way so he could hiss, "It's the 1340's. The black plague has killed millions of Europeans, do you want to be Italy or Poland?"

Madison didn't reply, continuing to scowl. Alex curiously spoke up, "Poland?"

"That's right." Jefferson said, sounding a bit surprised. He glanced at Alex for half a second before glaring back at Madison. "Wanna know why? Wanna know why a sixty percent of Europe's population died, but Poland was spared?"

Madison crossed his arms, clearly this wasn't his first time listening to this. He was grumbling as he said, "Because the Polish bathed."

"Because the Polish bathed." Jefferson confirmed, nodding. "So we're gonna do the same thing, got it?"

Alex frowned, racking his brain for everything he knew about the black death. "Wait a second. The Polish  _were_  affected by the plague, just not as much as the rest of Europe. And it wasn't as bad because the King quarented the kingdom at the borders, keeping the infected people out. And they didn't have as many rats in Poland, because of a lack of food. And there weren't as many people in the kingdom for the disease to spread." He counted the facts off on his hand. "Bathing didn't have much to do with it."

Lee laughed loudly from the front seat, slapping his hands on the wheel, "I never thought I'd like to hear Hamilton's big mouth, but  _damn_ , he told you!"

Jefferson looked ready to kill. Alex would be intimidated, if it weren't for the small twitch of his lips creeping upward. He was impressed. The taller man sneered down at Alex, "You can't deny that staying clean isn't healthy."

"No, I can't." Alex agreed, "But you can't claim that Poland  _only_  survived because of soap."

Jefferson looked him up and down, his eyes dark, "You worked with Jemmy, yeah? A politician?"

"Yes." Alex replied. He puffed his chest out in pride; unworried about showing anything, since he was wearing his binder today. "A speechwriter, for the most part. But I was also a lawyer."

"Fascinating." Jefferson drawled, sounding utterly unimpressed. "Then how do you know shit like that?" He nodded to the others, "Those two just believed me."

Alex shrugged, "I'm a curious man. I enjoy learning. You?"

"I was a history of the world professor at the University of Virginia." Jefferson said, "I teach a class on plagues and genocides."

Alex scratched at his neck, "Any chance you studied apocalypse theory?"

Jefferson's lip did that twitchy thing again. "Unfortunately not."

Madison was speaking to Lee now, "This is still the Hudson, yeah?"

"Yup." Lee popped the 'p' as he said that. "We'll probably reach Albany in tomorrow, if we don't stop for any more stupid shit."

"We'll want to go around that completely. Who knows what the military has done to Albany." Madison said, more to himself than to Lee. He pointed to a spot right before a bridge. "Stop right there."

Alex's fingers were itching at his sides, his eyes wide, "Uh, is it even safe to swim in the Hudson?"

"Doesn't stop kids every summer." Jefferson grumbled as he walked back to them. "You never swam in a river when you were little?"

Alex laughed nervously, "What? Yeah? Who doesn't?"

Madison tilted his head, watching Alex carefully. "Tom, make sure we're clear."

Jefferson glanced between the two of them before shuffling past Alex, raising his gun. He looked through his scope out the windows. Alex only turned to Madison when he was sure both Lee and Jefferson were busy.

Madison didn't beat around the bush, he said quietly, "They don't know, and they won't. We bath in turns. We'll be watching your back while you'll be hidden under the bridge."

Alex shook his head, his voice a bit hoarse, "That - that's not the problem. I mean, it is, but I don't - I just -"

Madison put his hand on Alex's shoulder, saying seriously, "Listen, you have to be completely honest with me. I can't help you if you don't help me. What's wrong?"

Alex took a deep breath, his body shaking under Madison's hand, "I'm  _scared_ , James."

James' eyes widened a bit at the use of his first name, but nodded slightly. "You don't have to be. You have three pairs of eyes, making sure no zombie sneaks up on you."

"No, not that…" Alex couldn't find his breath, his chest too tight and his mind running too fast. He barely noticed how James gently sat him down. The taller man then knelt between Alex's knees, so he was looking up at him.

"Breathe, Alex." James whispered. Alex closed his eyes and nodded, taking in sharp breaths through his nose. "If it's not the zombies, or the others finding out, what has you so upset?"

With a shaking hand, Alex raised a three fingers to his chin, tapping them against his lips. James bit his lip, thinking, "Do you want water to drink, or is it the water that's the problem?"

Whimpering quietly, Alex held up two fingers.

"Okay..." James said, clearly thinking. A hand landed on Alex's knee as James stood up. "Okay. I'll figure something out. You stay here and breathe, alright?"

James walked over to Jefferson, who was obviously watching them. Jefferson glanced away, looking back out his scope. James whispered into Jefferson's ear. Whatever he said had Jefferson scowling, but he reluctantly nodded.

James did the same thing with Lee, although he didn't get near as close with him. Lee shook his head, yelling, "Aw, fuck no!"

Alex flinched, looking up at the harsh noise. Everyone was looking at him, and he couldn't focus. His hands clenched at loose fabric of his sweater sleeves. Jefferson's eyes were wide; James looked pissed; but not as much as Lee. It's his fault, it's his fault, he shouldn't have said anything, he should have just -

"I'm not bathing with none of you fags!" Lee yelled. "That's not how we do things here!"

"If you don't like it, you can leave and try your luck on your own." James said with the calm kind of anger that was far more terrifying than any yelling ever would be. "But there's four of us now, and we're running out of time. We don't have the luxury of privacy anymore."

Alex eyes desperately landed on James, who was in the middle of an intense glare-off with Lee. Jefferson crossed his arms and spoke up, "James is right. So either get with the program, or get bit."

Lee huffed, but wisely shut up. James nodded and turned to look at Alex. He still couldn't breathe, but there was a familiarity in James' eyes. He knew this man. They used to be friends. Whatever he had planned, Alex knew he could trust him. Alex closed his eyes and forced his shoulders to relax.

James started speaking, his voice clearly coming out throughout the bus, "We'll split up into pairs. The other two will stand by the bus and keep watch. We get as clean as we can, as quick as we can. You don't come down to the water's edge unless you hear screaming. Understood?"

Jefferson nodded his head, while Lee angrily kicked a seat. There was a second of silence, before Jefferson asked, "Who's on first?"

"What's on second." James replied, "You and Lee will bathe first. Alex and I will watch."

Jefferson and Lee immediately disagreed.

"Oh  _hell_  no! I don't want to be the water while his fucking gay ass jacks off!"

"Jemmy, I thought you loved me, how could you do this?"

James raised his voice just slightly, but it was enough to shut them both up, "The longer you spend complaining, the more time you waste. We need to get out of New York as soon as possible, and this is  _not_  helping. I'm not changing what I said. With zombies walking the earth, is this really the worst thing in the world you'll be forced to do? No. So suck it up."

Jefferson looked down and away, his legs shaking suddenly. He leaned back against one of the seats, his expression closed off. Lee's shoulders tightened a little as his eyes grew distant.

Alex and James were watching each other as James asked, "Is everyone okay with that?"

"I'm not." Lee growled.

Silently, Alex nodded. He could do it, if he wasn't alone. James would help him. That was his solution. He really was a good friend. It sucks that they drifted apart.  
"Great. Let's go, we're burning daylight." James said, pushing past Lee to grab his gun.

Alex and James stood just outside the bus, guns in their hands. They watched the cities in the distance and the empty roads around them. Alex focused on breathing, knowing that James would protect him.

"You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to." James said, "But it would be helpful for me to know what might happen, before we get down there."

Alex looked over to him. He was looking down the road, squinting in the sunlight. The Immigrant turned and glanced at the water down the hill. If he focused hard enough, he could hear Jefferson and Lee bickering.

"If you touch me, I swear I'll shoot you in your sleep."

"If you say another word, I'll fucking shoot you right now."

"I'm not going to help you."

"I don't need your help, you dipshit."

They were clearly distracted, and weren't paying attention to whatever he and James were doing. Taking a deep breath, Alex explained, "You know I'm an immigrant, right?"

James nodded, glancing over at him slightly.

"Well, I came from a small island in the Caribbean. And, well, have you heard of that year when the hurricanes were really bad? Everyone was so worried about Florida and Texas and Puerto Rico?"

"Sure." James shrugged, "There's hurricanes nearly every year, but when I was a teenager, I remember there was a bad one. They called it, Hurricane Manuael or something?"

"Manuel." Alex said quietly. "Hurricane Manuel. I … I was in it. It hit my town and - and I watched so many bodies get washed away. I almost drowned …"

James paused, before he asked, "Can you swim?"

Alex's voice shook as he said, "No. But, dead bodies float, so… I did what I had to."

James changed the subject slightly, saying, "Well, the water will be shallow at the river's edge. I'll be right with you, it'll be alright."

Alex barely heard him speak. His mind was too busy not shutting up. He could feel dirty water rip through his lungs, stealing his air, choking him. His body shook as he felt wind yank trees out of the ground and water stinging his eyes. He tried to swallow, but with the lump in his throat, it felt too much like drowning. He tried to think of something good, something pure. He tried to think of Eliza.

Eliza, who knew what he was, and loved him anyway. The first person to use his correct pronouns, and who didn't mind all of his baggage. The only person he trusted with his life. The person who saved his life. He owed her everything.

"She used to take showers with me, so I wouldn't have flashbacks." Alex whispered, grief and anxiety ripping his heart out of his rib cage, cracking bones and snapping muscles. James didn't question what he was talking about. He just offered a small, sympathetic smile. " _God_ , I miss her so much."

James opened his arms, and gestured for Alex to come closer. Alex only hesitated for a fraction of a second, before he stumbled into James' embrace. He buried his face in the other man's chest, and tried hard to not fall apart. James held him tightly with one arm, the other still free in case of trouble.

"Lee's coming." James warned him after a moment. "Will you be alright?"

Alex nodded, stepping away. He turned his back on Lee and James so he could fix his breathing and push away the painful thoughts of his past and his wife. He was both pleased and disappointed to find his eyes dry. He knew the side effects of crying, of the calming chemicals that get released, and he almost wished he had those flowing through his body now. On the other hand, crying in front of these guys didn't seem like a good idea. Alex wasn't known for tears, and he'd like to keep it that way. It didn't help his breathing situation much though. He took a long time to turn around, pulling his hands behind his head to open his airway a bit more. His chest burned with the stretch that his binder just barely allowed.

"Where's Thomas?" James asked from behind him.

"Putting himself back together." Lee replied.

Alex looked over his shoulder to see Lee pointing down the hill and James growling "Stay here." under his breath as he jogged in the direction of their bathing spot.

Finally satisfied, Alex turned around. He watched as Lee ran his hands through his wet hair, trying to dry it off as quickly as it could. Lee glanced at him as he asked, "Since when are you and Madison so chummy?"

"We've always been friends." Alex replied, shifting on his feet awkwardly.

"Not from what I remember. You two were always arguing in front of Washington." Lee lowered his hands thoughtfully, "Well, you argued. He ignored you."

Alex nodded slowly, "We have different political views, yes. But… I don't resent him for that. He's been very …  _helpful_ for me, when others weren't."

Lee crossed his arms, "I have never seen him give you the time of day. Like, ever."

"Cuz it was fuckin' private, Lee." Alex grumbled.

Lee's face scrunched up as he figured it out, "Oh, gross. You guys were fucking, weren't you?"

Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head, "No, Lee, we didn't sleep together."

"Then what was it?"

* * *

It was fifteen years ago, when Alex got his first binder. He was fresh out of college, and had no clue what he was doing in the world. Eliza had ordered it for him, spending money that he didn't have. She pulled him into their shared apartment and squealed, "Close your eyes, close your eyes!"

So, Alex did. He chuckled at his girlfriend, "Okay, okay. What's this all about, anyway?"

"Well, our three year anniversary is coming up." Eliza said, her voice full of excitement.

Alex pulled a thoughtful face, "Oh? Is it?"

"Shut up." Eliza giggled, "You're the one that keeps reminding  _me_. Anyway, I'm going to be out of town on our actual anniversary, so I thought we could celebrate today."  
Alex opened an eye to say, "Eliza, I haven't gotten you anything yet-"

"Shh! Eyes closed! Eyes closed!" She said, shoving her hands in his face. He laughed again and closed his eye. "I really hope I'm not crossing any boundaries or anything with this."

Alex felt the hair on the back of his neck rise, "Uh, what did you…?"

Before he could ask the question, something was shoved into his hands. He felt it and immediately knew it was some kind of blanket or clothing.

"Open your eyes." Eliza squeaked. Alex did, and looked at her first. Her hands were over her eyes, and she was peeking at him through her fingers. Then, Alex glanced down at the cloth in his hands.

He unfolded it and immediately knew what it was. His voice shook as he whispered, "Oh my God."

"Is it okay? It's not, like, bad that I got this right? I just thought that-" Eliza lowered her hands to instead fiddle with the hem of her skirt. Alex's shaky legs took a step forward, as he pulled her close to him, trying to contain his tears. "I'm so sorry, I thought that it was the right thing to do! I knew you didn't have one, and I thought it was a good gift! I can send it back if you want!?"  
"NO!" Alex shouted, he pulled away from her just enough to look in her eyes, "No, dearest, it's perfect! I love it!  _Thank you_!"

Eliza relaxed and reached up to brush away his tears. "Oh, Alex. Peggy swore up and down you'd want it, but I was still worried."

Alex huffed a small laugh, Eliza's sibling quickly became one of Alex's closest friends, he wasn't surprised they were involved. "I'm going to try it on!"

Eliza gave him a quick kiss and let him go so he could disappear into the bathroom.

No one had informed him how difficult it was to put on a binder. He huffed and growled, twisting his body unnaturally in an attempt to squish his breasts. By the time he wiggled his arm free, he was a bit riled up, his face flushed from exertion.

But he did it. He was wearing a binder. He took a deep breath and looked at himself in the mirror. The reaction was immediate. Alex's knees gave out at the same time that his eyes unloaded all of their tears. His hand flew up to his mouth to cover his sobs as the image of himself flashed in his mind. They were gone. They were gone. They were gone, they were gone, they were  _gone!_

It was like his body didn't know how to react. He'd never been this happy before in his life, and the only way he knew how to express that was to sob uncontrollably.

There was a soft knock on the door, "Al? Can I come in?"

Alex couldn't speak between his sobs, so he just pawed at the door handle until it opened. She peeked down at him as he sat on the floor, his hand pressed against his chest. She laughed, grinning at his reaction.

"Darling, are you okay?" She asked, worried.

Alex lifted a fist, rapidly shaking it up and down. He smiled at her through his tears, and signed  _thank you_  over and over and over. She lowered herself down to sit with him on their bathroom floor. He switched between kissing every piece of her skin he could reach, and pressing his hands against where his breasts use to be.

Eventually, Eliza brought him a chair from their kitchen. He sat on it, in front of the mirror, so he could stare at his flat chest in the reflection. Eliza stood behind him, her hands resting on his shoulders. She smiled every time he burst into happy tears again.

"I- I'm going to wear it tomorrow." Alex promised, looking up at her. "And the next day, and the next, until I die."

Eliza happily kissed him again, squealing when Alex stood up and spun her around. That night, he thanked her in every way he knew.

The next day, his excitement and nerves warred in his constricted chest when he walked into work that day. He was only an intern for now. But he knew he'd move up in the corporation soon.

"Finally got some clothes that fit, I see." A man named Aaron Burr commented as a greeting. That was true, Alex always wore extremely big suits, hoping that the loose clothing would hide his chest. Now that he had no chest to hide, he could finally wear an outfit that wasn't two sizes too big.

After Alex realized that no one was going to notice that he was wearing a binder, it went from the most stressful to the most blissful day of his life. He was confident, knowing that he was one step closer to finally being a  _man_.

But his body wasn't used to wearing something so constricting. And by the time lunch rolled around, Alex's back and sides were stabbing him every time he moved. He had to take it off. Luckily, he was prepared for this. Peggy had informed him to always have a sports bra in his desk, just in case.

So, the first full day of wearing a binder was cut short as Alex ducked into a lesser-used bathroom. It was further away from their offices, so he didn't think he'd be interrupted. Even still, he probably should have gone into one of the stalls, but he was too distracted by the pain shooting down his spine.

His hands quickly undid his tie and shucked off his suit jacket. The buttons of his shirt were quickly undone, he laid everything on the sink counter, careful to avoid any wet spots. He then tried to figure out how the  _fuck_  he was supposed to take this thing off. Eliza helped him last night, but now that he was alone, he wasn't exactly sure where to start.

He rolled the front part up, it tightened around him as he pulled it past his nipples. His breasts were free, but now the rolled-up binder was pinching his shoulder blades and armpits. He gasped as he tried to contort his arms around enough to pull it off the rest of the way. He couldn't quite reach it, though, and he was growing more frustrated with each passing moment.

And then.

The door opened.

Thankfully, Alex was turned the other direction, but that didn't stop the deep red flush that shot across his face at the sound. There was a pause, and then a hesitant, "Do you need help?"

Alex recognized that voice. He looked over his shoulder awkwardly to see James Madison standing there. He was another intern, and they often worked together on projects. They weren't super close, but he'd pick James over literally anyone else in the office anyway.

Alex quickly averted his gaze and mumbled, "I can't reach it."

James stepped forward, announcing just loud enough for Alex to hear, "I'm going to pull it up and off, is that alright?"

Alex nodded silently, refusing to look to their left and see their reflections mimicking them. He flinched slightly as he felt James' warm hands on his back, gently tugging the binder past his shoulders.

As soon as he was free, Alex wrapped his arms around his chest and said shakily, "U-um, in my jacket pocket - there's, um…"

James stepped away, setting the binder down on the pile of clothes. He rustled through Alex's pockets until he pulled out a white sports bra. Silently, he held it out. Alex glanced over his shoulder to see the man was looking the other way. He mentally thanked God that He was on his side, for once.

Alex quickly pulled on the bra, sighing in relief at the small familiarity of it. He wished he could wear his binder longer. Tomorrow he'll ignore the pain. He can't let something like this happen again.  
"I only say this because I hope it would make you feel better." James said, still looking away, "But I had no idea."

"That was the point." Alex grumbled, his face burning as he grabbed his shirt. He worked on the buttons, his back still turned, as he heard James sigh quietly.

"Don't be upset, Alexander. I don't think any differently of you." When Alex glanced at him over his shoulder, the other man was picking at his nails, "And I won't tell anyone about this."

Even still, Alex couldn't ignore the deep panic in his chest as he snatched up his tie. "Right. Well. Um. Thank you."

That was how James Madison Jr. became the first (of few) to learn about him. The only other two that would later find out were Aaron Burr and George Washington. No one else in their building suspected a thing. Alex wanted to keep it that way.

Fully dressed and binder tucked safely into a pocket, Alex pushed past James. He paused by the door to look at the other man. He shyly smiled at him, raised his hand to his lips and lowered them again.

 _Thank you_.

* * *

"None of your business, Lee." Alex growled, relaxing slightly as he watched Jefferson and James approach them. Jefferson's dark curls were hanging low with water, they were laughing about something. Jefferson was carrying a pile of wet clothes in his arm.

"You're ridiculous." James said affectionately.

"And I'm all yours." Jefferson grinning, tapping his own cheek twice, "Give me some love?"

James snorted, kissing his own hand and pushing his fingers against Jefferson's face. Jefferson squealed, swatting the hand away.

Lee gagged and rolled his eyes. Before he could make some homophobic comment, James walked up to Alex. Jefferson hung his damp clothes off the side mirrors of the bus, stretching to situate them how he wanted. James asked quietly, "You ready?"

Alex nodded, picking up his folded change of clothes from the bus steps. James handed Jefferson his gun and grabbed his own spare clothes.

"Do not come unless called." James sternly said, pointing at Lee, then Jefferson.

Lee rolled his eyes, while Jefferson pouted, but neither of them looked like they'd follow them. Alex walked beside James as they made their way down to the water's edge. Alex tried his best to ignore the sharp pain in his chest that had nothing to do with his binder.

"I had us go second so we could take a little more time, if need be." James informed him gently. Alex nodded, but couldn't meet his eye as they set their spare clothes down on a dry part of the riverbank. James didn't hesitate as he started to strip, dropping his clothes in the water so he could wash them. Jefferson and Lee left some megar supplies down here for them. A bottle of shampoo, no conditioner, and a bar of soap. They sat on the riverbank next to a single towel.

Alex wasn't as confident as the other man. He stepped further under the bridge and turned away a bit as he slowly undid his clothes. As he pulled off his shirt and stepped out of his pants, leaving him in just his boxers and binder, he paused. Alex glanced over his shoulder to James, who was busy washing his own clothes, not looking at him. Strangely, Alex didn't feel as awkward as he thought he would at seeing James Madison naked.

James must have sensed his unease, because he said, "Is there anything I can do, to make this easier?"

Alex was torn. He didn't really want James to watch him, but he also hadn't taken a shower alone in years. And he's never taken a bath since coming to America. He tried to keep his breathing even as he considered his options.

"I don't know… Just… talk?" Alex suggested, "Keep me distracted? But, um, please keep your back turned. I won't make you do what Eliza does for me." He said with a chuckle. His smile feel though as he remembered, " _Did_  … for me."

James nodded and thought for a moment. Finally, he started talking, "I met Thomas when we were children. Had to be nine or so. Our parents were both very wealthy, and had agreed to start up a new company together. They met often to discuss business transactions and drink wine. Thomas and I were the same age, so they always dragged us along. It gave us a little social interaction, which Tom  _definitely_  needed." James snorted slightly, grinning, "He's such a recluse."

"Are you two … together?" Alex asked. He tried hard to not have any judgement in his tone. Who was he to decide if someone's coping method was fair or not? If, in their struggle to deal with the end of the world, they found comfort in each other, who was he to judge?

"Nah." James smiled, shaking his head, "He' just a jackass. I had a crush on him in high school, and he knew it, too. So he teased me about it every now and then. It faded, I don't see him like that anymore. But there's comfort in familiarity. Zombies won't change how we treat each other. We're too stubborn for that."

Alex nodded. That makes sense. Finally, Alex slips out of his boxers and pulls off his binder. He washes everything quickly, although he hesitates at getting his binder wet. James continues to speak.

"I was actually best man at Tom's wedding. He was for mine, too. His wife was a lovely gal, and his daughter was the most precious thing on earth." James grew quiet for a moment, clearly thinking about them. He sucked in a deep breath, "Thomas didn't take their deaths very well."

Alex hummed in agreement. "Course he didn't. He lost everything."

James stood up to wring out his now-soaking shirt. When he was done, he laid it in the grass to dry a bit. He did the whole thing without looking at Alex. "What makes it worse is that he just got Martha, too. That's - I mean his daughter. They named her after her mother. Anyway, she was just born two years or so ago. She'd be turning three this September."

Alex let out a low whistle and shook his head. He focused on the words enough to lower himself down into a sitting position in the water. His top half was still dry, but it was easier to wash his clothes this way. He added to the conversation when he saw his hands starting to shake. "Um, I have two kids.  _Had_  two kids. Philip and Angie."

Alex saw through his peripheral that James  _almost_  looked at him, he must've forgot. But he quickly corrected himself and turned the other way.

"Pip was fourteen, and Angie ten." Alex felt a fond smile spread across his lips, "I loved them more than life itself."

"Knowing you, that doesn't mean much." James said teasingly, "But I understand what you mean."

Alex chuckled with him. He licked his lips and asked, "Did you have any kids?"

"No." James shrugged, "It never really interested me, being a father. Dolley didn't want any either, so we just… did our own thing. Had a cat, though. He was an asshole."

Alex laughed, and he found that he wasn't doing too bad with the whole sitting-naked-in-a-dirty-river thing. He glanced over at James, and realized that he had to set his clothes out to dry. Clearing his throat, he wadded up his shirt and held it out behind him, twisting his body like some kind of Olympic medley runner. "Uh, will you lay these out?"

James hesitated, and Alex could hear when the man shifted to look at him. He took the shirt from Alex and suggested, "Just kinda, push them over towards me, I'll wring them out."

Alex did as he was told and prepared his remaining clothes for their big adventure down river. He could hear James grabbing up the items and moving through the water. Alex took a moment to try and breathe.

He looked over his shoulder at James and asked, "Do I have to wash my hair?"

"Yes. Thomas will bitch if you don't." James replied, shaking water droplets from his own dark locks. "But I can help you, if you're comfortable with it."

He knows he really  _should_  wash his hair. His face is oily and gross and his scalp itches. But that means putting his head in the water. And he's not sure if he can do that.

Briefly, he hears James mutter, "I'll remember to find a bucket next mission."

Alex closes his eyes and whispered, "Okay, okay. Yeah. Um. Just. Be careful? I guess."

He could feel the heat rush to his face as James moved behind him. "How do you want to do this?"

Alex looked over his shoulder, grinning as he said, "Baptize me?"

"What?" James squinted in confusion, before realization crossed his face, "You're quoting something, aren't you?"  
Alex snickered as he turned back around, "Yeah. Book of Mormon. Uh, so, I can probably do most of it on my own. But, just… hold my hand?"

James held out his hand, just over Alex's shoulder. Alex reached up and clasped their hands together. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the warm skin under his fingers. His breathing hitched as he sunk lower into the water. The cold waves lapped just at his collarbones, slimy seaweed slid across his ankles. Alex jerked his legs out of reach of the plants, trying hard to not panic. He's fine, he's okay. His head is still above water for God's sake, there's nothing wrong here.

"Probably best to just get it over with quickly." James murmured beside him. He shifted closer, now that Alex was mostly covered by the murky water. "Just dunk yourself real quick."

Alex glanced at him, licking his lips nervously. Instead of replying, he reached his other hand up to cling their combined ones. He kept eye contact with James as he tilted his head back and lowered himself even further. His teeth clenched as the cold water invaded his senses, up his shoulders, his neck, in his ears. The world was muted by a swirling dull roar of waves and the intense pounding of Alex's own heart. A larger wave washed by, splashing Alex's face. He immediately tried to rise back out of the water, whining. James only allowed him to raise enough to blink the water out of his eyes, before he silently coaxed him back into the murky depths. Alex screwed his eyes tight, his arms shaking with how hard he was hanging off of James' hand. Sucking in a sharp breath, Alex suddenly pushed himself down into the water.

As soon as he was blocked off from air, his mind went into panic mode. He could hear the howling of the wind as it ripped trees from their roots; the screaming of people and the crying of a child in another room. He could feel a sharp pain in his chest as he knew that, despite all his efforts, he couldn't die with way. He  _wanted_  this to end, he wanted this to be over with. But no. He was chosen to live through this, when everyone else had the life choked out of them, he was stuck watching, suffering. Why did they get an easy way out?

Suddenly, the water disappeared, and Alex was sucking in shaking breaths. He coughed violently as he leaned over. James' arm was wrapped around his back, he pulled him up; he saved him from the darkness, once again. Alex leaned heavily against his warm chest, his gaze glassy as he tried to push those thoughts away.

"Shh, shh, you're alright. Let me put some shampoo in your hair. Then you have to rinse it and we're done." James said, shifting back behind him so he could do just that. Alex unthinkingly reached a hand back to keep contact with the other man. His fingers rested just above James' hip, and Alex focused on that point, even as James's hands massaged soapy suds into his scalp. It was soothing, and helped Alex regain his bearings. Alex focused on James' calm voice, "You're in the Hudson River, in New York state. It's the end of July. You're going to be just fine. I'm here."

All too quickly, James informed him that it was time to rinse his hair.

"You don't have to put your face all the way in the water. We just have to get the shampoo out of your hair." James pointed out, "Or, would you prefer to just go under the water again?"

Alex was shaking, and it wasn't from the cold water. He shrugged, unsure of which way would be better. Finally he held up two fingers.  
"The second one? Are you sure?" James asked, sounding a bit surprised. Alex nodded. It's quicker; he wasn't sure if he could calmly lay back in the water for a longer amount of time. He'd rather get it done quick and painfully.

James mumbled, "If you say so," and moved back to Alex's side, letting the immigrant cling to his arm once more. Alex didn't try to psych himself up this time. He just closed his eyes, held his breath, and hoped for the best. He threw himself backwards into the water with a splash. Almost immediately, he felt the surge of panic try to take him once more. But he wouldn't let it. He couldn't. After a moment, he was pulled back to the surface by a strong arm under him. Alex choked and whined; a sob ripping itself from deep in his chest.

"You did it, we're done now. We're gonna get dried off, now." James hummed soothingly. He ran a hand gently over Alex's sopping wet hair, "You did good."

Alex closed his eyes and allowed himself to press close to James' body. He didn't care that he was naked, clinging to a cis guy, crying quietly. He just needed strong arms around him, otherwise, he'd be washed away in the storm.

It took James a minute, but he was finally able to convince Alex to calm down enough to return to the shore with him. James dried Alex first with the towel, trying hard to not linger on any inappropriate parts. Alex had his arms wrapped around his middle, his eyes locked to the water he just escaped. He barely noticed when James pushed clean clothes into his arms. His body moved on autopilot as he pulled on boxers and pants. They were jeans, but they were far too large for him. They must've been James' extra pair. He absentmindedly scratched at his chest, in the small space right between his breasts. James' gaze only glanced down for a second as he dried himself.

"Alexander." He warned sternly, "Don't."

Alex looked over at him, somewhat confused. He glanced down, noticing his own actions for the first time. He yanked his nails away from the soft skin, trying hard to ignore the faded scars there.

"I wasn't trying to." Alex muttered, turning away from James. "It's just - habit."

"Thought we settled this years ago." James sighed.

Alex shrugged, growing defensive. "Well, relapses are natural, and given the conditions, I think I'm entitled. Besides, it's just scratches."

Alex glanced over his shoulder to see James putting on boxers, his expression slightly annoyed, "We both know that -"

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

The sound of gunshots cut James off immediately. His head whipped around to look up the hill, where Thomas and Lee were hidden from view. James opened his mouth to speak, but he never got the opportunity to do so due to the fact that a tattered and foaming body was thrown down the hill towards him. James yelped and jumped out of the way as the screeching creature crashed into the muddy shallows.

"WHY  _THE FUCK_  WOULD YOU SEND THEM DOWN HERE?!" James shouted, not looking up at the hill, where the distinct sounds of fighting still took place. Alex stood, frozen, staring at the deformed body that attempted to stand. It twisted around, trying to reach for James, growling the entire time.

Fear shot through Alex's entire body. He still hadn't fully recovered from the river, and so his thoughts were empty except for an intense jolt of terror. He stood there, unmoving, as the zombie snapped its dislocated jaw at James.

The man, although clearly distressed, was in far better shape than Alexander. He quickly grabbed a large rock from the shore bed and slammed it against the zombie's skull, careful to avoid any teeth or nails. The creature stumbled, and James repeated his attack with growing aggression. Alex could only watch as chunks of brain and skull fragments flew off the zombie with each impact.

Finally, the zombie's body went limp, and it crumpled down at James' feet. The man dropped the bloody rock on the zombie's dead body. Breathing hard, he stepped over to the river, and thoroughly washed his hands.

Once James considered his hands clean, he stood up and glanced at Alex. He only gestured to the large rock on the ground and said, "Anything can be a weapon."

Alex swallowed hard and nodded.

James then turned to the hill, cupped his hands around his mouth, and shouted, "If y'all're dead, I'll kill you!"

"You wish!" Came the strangled reply. A moment later, and Jefferson's exhausted face appeared over the edge of the hill. "Are you okay?"

"Fine, no thanks to you." James replied, picking up his clothes. Jefferson started to pick his way down, but James sharply barked, "No! You stay up there!"

Jefferson frowned, "What?"

James looked over to Alex, who was still a bit shell-shocked. He repeated, "Stay up there, we'll be up in a second."

Alex blinked rapidly as he realized what was happening. He was still shirtless. From where he currently stood, Jefferson couldn't see him, but if he came down here… Alex instantly grabbed the shirt he had laid out, James made sure Jefferson didn't move any closer as Alex hastily threw the shirt on. He picked up the rest of his clothes, which were still damp from their washing, and stumbled to James' side.

As always, James insured that he took the rear. Alex slowly made his way up the hill, unable to make eye contact with Jefferson. His heart was still pounding so fast, he could feel his blood race through his veins.

Jefferson helped him up the last few steps before turning to do the same with James. Alex took in the sight before him. Ten or so infected bodies littered the ground. Blood splatters painted the side of the bus. Lee was already on the vehicle, anxiously gripping the wheel. Jefferson's clothes were gone from the mirrors, so they must've already been thrown inside.

Alex was ushered into the bus, his mind barely registering what was happening around him. James and Jefferson were right behind him, and soon, the doors were closed and they were driving far away from the crime scene.

"We can't stop until we get around Albany." James was saying. Alex almost didn't hear him, the world was growing fuzzy.

His vision faded around the corners, black dots cutting through his vision. He blinked hard and swayed on his feet, the last thing he knew before the world turned to black, was Jefferson catching his falling body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!!


	4. He Will Do What It Takes To Survive

It was a lovely evening, cold outside, but warm in Alexander's simple home. The fire was burning softly in the background as people gathered to converse and catch up. It was a small party, only Alex and Eliza's closest friends. Despite the cozy atmosphere, Alexander felt nerves run through his veins. He fiddled with his tie, taking a quick gulp of his punch.

A hand brushed against his own. Alex glanced up to see his darling Eliza giving him a soothing smile. "Honey, you have to relax. This is supposed to be fun."

"I know, I know." Alex offered her a small smile, "I'm just nervous…"

"You shouldn't be. Enjoy the party, love." Eliza brushed his hair behind his ear easily. "Unless, you'd feel better if we made the announcement now."

"Maybe." Alex said, nodding to himself, "Maybe, yeah. Okay."

Eliza kissed his cheek, before turning to the small crowd in the room, "Hey, everyone! We have something we'd like to say!"

Alex took a deep breath as all his friends turned to look at him. He took Eliza's hand and said, "You're probably wondering why I invited you all here. And, well, Eliza and I have been together for a long time now. This weekend, we decided to move forward in our relationship."

At this point, Eliza held up her left hand, announcing, "We're getting married!"

The room exploded into cheers and applause. Alex felt his muscles relax as he took in their responses. Everyone was happy, excited, even. He wasn't sure why he was so anxious about telling his friends this. But he's incredibly relieved that they took it well.

Eliza's siblings engulfed her in hugs, squealing loudly in Alex's ear. He shuffled away from them as they started admiring the small ring he got Eliza. As he was walking away, he heard Angelica laugh, "Damn, you snatched that one up as soon as you could, didn't ya?"

"Oh, absolutely!" Eliza replied, giggling.

John and Herc were with him in the next second, slapping him on the back and slinging their arms around his shoulders. They were grinning ear-to-ear, estatic for their best friend.

"Dude, you had a chance to escape." Herc joked, "Now you'll never be free of her."

"I don't want to." Alex beamed dreamily. He looked over his shoulder at the woman who would soon be his wife, "That's why I'm marrying her."

John snorted, but was happy nonetheless. "Well, shit, if Alex's getting married, we gotta follow suit. Can't let him think he's better than us, right Herc?"

Hercules gave John a funny look, lowering his voice a bit, "Are - are you proposing?"

John blushed and shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, "So what if I am?"

"You can't!" Herc shook his head, crossing his arms, "I was going to propose!"

Alex laughed at John's expression. The freckled man sighed and then gestured to his boyfriend, "Okay, well, propose then!"

Herc paused, and then shook his head once more. "Nah. I'm gonna surprise you. Wait til' you're not expecting it."

John rolled his eyes fondly. "This guy."

"As cute as that was," Alex said, pointing to himself, "let's talk about me."

"You're getting married!"

"I'm getting married!"

The boys cheered.

Alex took John's hands in his own, saying, "John, I want you to be my best man!"

"It's be an honor." John grinned, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. Alex squeezed his hands once before turning to Herc.

"And, Herc, I want you to-"

"Be the flower girl!?" Herc asked excitedly.

"Uh… no." Alex shook his head, amused, "Eliza and I wanted you to tailor our dress and tux."

"Oh, I can do that, too." Herc nodded, accepting a hug from Alex.

Before anyone could say anything else, there was a voice from behind them, saying, "I hope I'm allowed to join with you boys in the celebration."

Alex turned around and saw Washington smiling at him. He immediately pulled the older man into a hug, which made him chuckle.

"Congratulations, son."

"Thanks, dad." Alex mumbled so quiet that only Washington could hear. Then he pulled away and said louder, "I'm not your son."

Washington offered him a proud smile, saying, "I'm happy for you. Of course, me and the Mrs. are invited to the wedding?"

"Absolutely! Front row seats!" Alex nodded, "As long as you don't cry."

"I'll try not to." Washington said seriously. "How do you feel?"

Alex hid his blushing face in his hands, trying to contain his excitement, "I'm getting married! It feels like a dream!"

* * *

Alex blinked rapidly, groaning at the sunlight that shone in his eyes. His head was resting on something, but he couldn't tell what. Speaking of his head, it hurt like a bitch. He felt like crap, and his empty stomach contracted angrily.

"He's awake." A voice above him called. Alex tilted his head back, looking up to see Jefferson staring down at him, his expression mildly annoyed.

James arrived a second later, his expression aggressively annoyed. "Alexander! When was the last time you ate?!"

"Why're'you yellin'?" Alex groggily mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Hamilton…" James warned, crossing his arms.

Alex sighed loudly, "I dunno! It's been a while, I guess."

James disappears out of sight, muttering to himself.

Alex let out a small huff, rubbing his temples as he tried to take inventory of his aching body. He really couldn't remember the last time he ate. When he was working, he didn't think much about it. And as they were on the run from zombies, it became a second priority. Sure, he had small nibbles of things here and there, but it wasn't like he had a full meal anytime lately. Alex hesitated, then looked up to Jefferson. He chewed his lip and asked, "How long have I been out?"

Jefferson shrugged and replied, "Two hours or so. Can you sit up? My leg fell asleep thirty minutes in."

Alex shifted his head, realizing the soft-yet-firm thing under him was Jefferson's right thigh. Blushing lightly, Alex sat up, releasing Jefferson from his imprisonment. "You didn't have to do that."  
"I know. James made me." Jefferson said, gently massaging his legs. "Said I needed to rest or whatever, and wanted someone make sure you didn't die. I got the short stick, I guess."

"Oh." Alex nodded, "Right. Well, thanks anyway, or something."

James came back a second later, holding a water bottle and an Uncrustable. He shoves them in Alex's arms and says to Jefferson, "Make sure he eats those."

"You're giving him a full water bottle?" Jefferson scoffed, about to argue. James just shot him a sharp glare, which had the taller man shutting down. He closed his mouth and nodded, although he looked angry about it. As James turned away, Jefferson called out, "You owe me."

James just waved his hand dismissively, walking to the front of the bus. Jefferson sat back in the seat, crossing his arms over his chest. It was at that moment that Alex remembered that he wasn't wearing his binder. Heat rushed to his face as he frantically wondered how much Jefferson felt or - God forbid - saw while he was passed out. The man didn't seem to be treating him any differently, maybe he didn't notice.

"Hey, eat up." Jefferson elbowed him harshly, "Jemmy wasn't joking. And you gotta keep your strength up. Not that you have much to begin with."

Alex scowled as he undid the wrapper to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Dude. I could lift you without breaking a sweat." Jefferson said, raising an eyebrow.

Alex swallowed hard, he mumbled, "That doesn't make me weak, it just makes you strong."

He shoved as much of the Uncrustable in his mouth as he could. He doesn't feel like eating, and he wanted to get it done as soon as possible. Jefferson sneered at the sight of him literally stuffing his face. Whatever. He didn't need Jefferson's approval.

"Well, you're also squishy." Jefferson said, rolling his eyes. Alex almost choked. "Don't worry, James is squishy, too. I gotta get y'all into shape, if you expect to survive out here."

Alex finished the rest of the sandwich quickly, unscrewing his water to sip from. "Thanks for the advice, but I don't do push ups."

Jefferson snorted, "Yeah. I can tell."

"Oh, fuck off." Alex growled.

"I can't. You're blocking the aisle." Jefferson gestured to how he was in the window seat. "And Jemmy said I had to watch you."

"You always do what James says?" Alex sneered. He may have said it in a patronizing tone, but he was genuinely curious. James certainly was in charge of this little operation, from what Alex had witnessed.

Jefferson's expression darkened as he said, "Look. You gotta watch out for Number One. James just so happens to be my Number One, and I'm his. I know he's looking out for me. So, yeah, if he says 'Jump', I'll say, 'Fuck off, but how high?'. I see no problem with it; if you do, you can get bit for all I care. As long as James makes it out of this alright, I'm satisfied."

Alex shook his head, muttering, "Whatever you say."

He didn't know what to say after that, so he took another drink of his water. The two were quiet for a few minutes. The air was thick with some strange tension. Alex could practically feel how tense Jefferson was next to him, and he found it hard to chew.

The more Alex thought about it, the more he felt a bit jealous of the two. Now that the world has ended, Alex has no Number One, except for himself. And yeah, he's been in this situation before, when he was growing up in the Caribbean and when he first moved to America. He certainly was his Number One. But that was ages ago. Since then, he met Eliza, John, and Herc. He's grown to know Washington, Angelica, Pegs, and even Burr closely. Hell, he might even throw James into that list, depending on the day. He's had two beautiful kids since then; angels that he'd do anything for. He's certainly come a long way from being the lonely orphan that he once was. Not even a month ago, he was surrounded by such loving, affectionate people…

And he had them all ripped away. Killed, no doubt. Leaving him alone.

The thing is, he doesn't  _want_  to be his own Number One. Aside from his career, Alex has always put others first. He was a devoted husband, a caring father, a great friend. And now, without his loved ones, he was nothing. Maybe that's why he hasn't tried very hard to learn how to shoot straight. Who does he have to fight for? Certainly not himself.

The silence was broken when Jefferson asked, "Did you have a James? Before all this?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked. 'A James' could mean anything. Alex still wasn't entirely sure what Jefferson and James' relationship entailed.

"Someone you'd listen to without hesitation." Jefferson clarified.

"Who I took orders from?" Alex teased, but Jefferson just shrugged and looked out the window. Alex pondered the question. It took him a moment to reply, gaining Jefferson's attention once more. "Not … really. I had this best friend, John. We got in trouble a lot, and his husband, Hercules, had to fix all our problems. My wife wished I followed her lead more often. She was always so elegant and graceful. I probably would be a better person if I actually did what she told me to. I think … I think I was the James of the group. Only my ideas didn't always turn out well."

"Doesn't surprise me." Jefferson muttered, taking the water bottle out of Alex's hands. Alex watched as the man brought it to his lips, stealing a swig. He returned it to Alex, like it was nothing. "I'm getting this vibe from you. You know when mothers say to their kids, 'If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do that, too?'. I feel like you're the kid that jumped off the bridge, trying to convince others to follow."

A laugh fell from Alex's lips, surprising himself. Jefferson seemed surprised, too. He looked up to watch Alex giggle. Alex averted his gaze, still smiling a bit, "There might be some truth to that."

Jefferson opened his mouth to speak, but the words never came, because Lee cursed loudly from the front. Alex stood up, moving to front. He could hear Jefferson following him, as he asked. "What's wrong?"

"The road's blocked." James replied as Lee cursed again.

Alex's gaze turned to the road before them. They were going down the right side of the highway now, since no one would head  _into_  a big city during the apocalypse. But there was a large pile up of cars sitting across the road, like a hasty attempt at a barrier. They couldn't go back and come back down the other side of the highway, because that part was bumper-to-bumper for miles. Alex could see a zombie or two wandering in the distance. They were sitting ducks, right on the edge of Albany.

"We need to get up that ramp." James said, pointing at just beyond the pile up. "It'll take us up and around the city."

"What if the road's destroyed?" Jefferson asked.

Lee shrugged, "Then we die."

"Surely they wouldn't blow up  _Albany_  of all places." James muttered to himself.

"Desperate times." Jefferson replied.

Alex's eyes widened as he realized what they were saying, "Wait. People were  _blowing up_  major cities?"

"What did you think those explosions were back in New York?" Jefferson scoffed, "Fireworks?"

Alex turned to James, "Why?!"

James shrugged, "Try and get rid of lots of zombies at once. I don't know. It was the military's idea."

"So the military's still functioning?" Alex asked, trying to think of some long term plan.

"Don't know." Lee replied. "Don't care. I wanna get off this road now."

James nodded, "Here's what we're gonna do. Two of us will have to push enough cars out of the way to fit the bus through. One person will drive the bus. The last one will be watching, with a gun, for zombies."

"I don't like that idea." Lee said, "Being outside the bus."

"Got any better ones?" James challenged.

"We could back track and find a new route, take some dirt roads or something." Lee said.

James shook his head, "That'd take too much gas. This is the only way we can get through this."

Lee groaned, but a moment later, said, "Alright, fine. But I'm the one staying in the bus."

"Wrong again." James said, checking his gun.

"So," Jefferson asked, curious, "Who's on first?"

"What's on second." James gestured to Jefferson and Lee, "You two are the strongest out of the four of us. You're moving the cars. I'm outside with you, watching your backs. Alex is driving."

Jefferson shrugged, nodding. Alex wasn't about to disagree with this situation; he certainly feels the most safe. Lee looks like he's about to test his luck, but James already pushed the 'open door' button, stepping out into the street. Jefferson followed him, and after a moment of angry glaring, Lee parked the bus and then got up to go with them.

Alex took a deep breath and sat down in the driver's seat. He took a moment to appreciate how tall he was from this spot. He felt like he could see everything. The world was still big and vast, but he could see what was coming next, and it gave him a sense of security.

He watched as James climbed on top of a van that was off to the side. He looked through his scope and made sure the area was clear, before he started instructing the other two where to move the cars.

Silently, Alex thought that James would be stronger than Lee. He wondered why James always felt the need to be the one keeping watch. Maybe he felt some responsibility to ensure that everyone was safe. If someone else had that job, they might not do good enough, and someone could die from it. Or maybe James just liked being the one holding the gun. But that didn't sound much like the James Madison he knew. Maybe he just didn't want  _Lee_  to have a gun, when everyone else was preoccupied. That might be more right. He was probably looking too intensely into the subject.

It came to Alex's realization that this would not be a quick task. Jefferson and Lee were having some difficulty pushing the bigger cars, even when they were able to turn them on and put them in neutral. Although, it appeared as though most of them couldn't turn on, which only made the process longer.

Well, since Alex had the opportunity to, he was certainly going to enjoy the view. The three men before him weren't unattractive, by any means. Alex has always known he was bi; he didn't have some big realization or a gay panic. He remembers when he was a little kid, he'd pick flowers for both the cute girls and his buddies at recess. It wasn't ever an issue, and so he's grown to be very comfortable with his sexuality.

So, yeah, Alex ogled the pretty boys while they worked. He scaled them on attractiveness:

Lee was the least attractive, in Alex's opinion. Although, most of that just had to do with his personality, and the fact that Alex already worked with him for years. The guy's a dick, but he's at least a semi-cute dick. Alex admires his hair style - a long emo fridge and buzzed on the sides. He doesn't think that he could pull off the same look. It suited Lee. And Alex had seen Lee when he was stumbling and embarrassed before - that was a beautiful sight. The guy may not be attractive 90% of the time, but those few moments when he was failing at impressing his crush? That shit's adorable.

Sucks for Lee that his crush was already taken by Herc.

James was next. He was an unconventional kind of cute. Alex knew that he was smart, strong, and kind; but he also had seen him propose the most idiotic ideas, drop a ten-pound box of files because he didn't want to carry it, and flat-out ignore Alexander when he was trying to have a civil conversation. In this way, he was complex. There's nothing Alexander loves more than complexity. And as Alex has come to recently know, James thrives in a position of leadership. He takes on a certain tone of voice that makes even Alexander's thoughts halt for a moment.

Where Lee is ugly because of his personality, James is attractive due to his.

Alex's gaze slides to Jefferson, who was straining against a truck, trying to force it out of the way. Alex could see how his muscles contracted under his tight shirt. His sweaty hair stuck to his forehead as he worked.

And then there was Jefferson.

Physically, he was the most attractive man on the team. That went without saying, and yet, Alex felt the need to say it anyway. He was  _hot_. Beautiful. A sexual god walking on earth, one might describe. His skin was so smooth, with a delicious color as an added bonus. His hair gave Alex the strange need to touch it. If they met at a different time, if Alex wasn't married, Alex would definitely try to coax this man into his bed.

But he was a stranger. Alex knew next to nothing about this man. He'd known Lee and James for years, but had just met Jefferson a few days ago. He was incredibly pretty; could be a model that doesn't use photoshop, easily. He was smart, as he'd shown in conversation with James. But also kind of clueless, Alex mentally added, as he thought of the condom thing. And that's really all Alex knew about him. Alex wasn't naive enough to believe his attraction for the man was anything more than physical. It's the kind of attraction that would fade the longer Alex spends around him; once he gets used to such a divine beauty. Like he said; eye candy. That's all it was.

However… There was more there; something that Alex couldn't quite put his finger on. But he was … curious. Intrigued. Something about Jefferson drew the eye. He was more than just a pretty face, Alex could tell. He just wasn't sure what the  _more_  was yet. But Alex loved a good mystery; and he's willing to figure this one out.

All those thoughts aside, Alex would never pursue anything with these men. They were stuck together as a team in a horrible situation and that was it. Alex was still devote to his wife - even if she died in Maine with his children. Besides that, they're fighting to stay alive, not trying to get into each other's pants.

Still, eye candy is eye candy; and Alex has a huge sweet tooth.

James shouted something that Alex couldn't really hear, but he  _thinks_  it was 'Move forward', so Alex started up the bus and slowly crept forward the little path they'd made for him. It was narrow, and Alex wasn't used to driving such a big vehicle, but he knew he had to make it work. James was on top of one of the vans on the left side, watching as Alex tried to make it through the passageway. Jefferson and Lee were struggling to hold a car out of the way, hissing curses as they pushed. When Alex was about halfway through the carnage, he heard the sharp crack of bullets flying through the air. He twisted around, looking at James, who was shooting behind them.

"Keep going!" James shouted, his expression furious. Alex looked through the rearview mirror to see something that made his stomach drop. It wasn't just one or two zombies. Not even a dozen. Alex hadn't seen this many disgusting, undead monsters since New York. Alex has no idea where they manifested, but they were only two hundred meters behind them. And they were running, right towards them.

Alex pressed down a bit more on the gas, speeding up his movement as well as he could. Jefferson let out a shout, and Alex looked over to see Lee was no longer beside him. Jefferson struggled against the car he was holding by himself, his veins popping. Where the fuck was Lee?

Alex jolted at the sharp pound against the bus door. Expecting zombies, Alex tensed when he glanced over, but it wasn't an undead violent monster, it was a selfish idiot.

Lee pounded on the bus door, stumbling to keep moving with him. He looked over at the approaching zombies, shouting at Alex.

"Let me in! Open the door! Open the door!"

To open the door, Alex would have to stop the bus, which means they'd be stuck even longer. Alex shook his head and kept creeping forward. Lee glanced between him and the zombies before cussing louding and sprinting ahead of them. He ran away from the bus, away from the zombies, towards Albany.

Not a second later, Alex made it out of the pathway, into the open. He threw the bus door open, watching as the zombies grew closer and closer. His heart was pounding with barely-held-back panic. Lee halted as he heard Jefferson let go of the car, sending it crashing back in place. He turned back around, and after a second of hesitation, sprinted back to the bus.

James was standing by the door, quickly ushering Jefferson inside. He climbed on after, and immediately shouted, "Close the door!"

"But Lee-" Alex started.

"Fuck Lee!" James smashed the 'Close Door' button and shouted, "Drive!"

Alex obeyed, slamming on the gas. Jefferson was thrown off-balance, crashing in the aisle. James held onto Alex's seat as they burned rubber. The first zombies had just reached the back of the bus when Alex sped away.

Lee jumped out of the way of the bus, only to immediately run after it, waving his arms and shouting. Alex glanced in the rearview as Lee's steps stumbled on debris. He fell to the ground and curled up in a ball. Alex looked away as his body disappeared in a pile of zombies.

Alex drove them up the ramp, heading north, around the city. From their spot above, they could see the utter wreck that was once a New York's capital. Nearly every building was partially, or completely, destroyed. There were burn marks on the walls that survived. The place appeared deserted, aside from the occasional zombie bumping around the rubble.

James had turned to help Jefferson stand up, checking to make sure he was okay. It appeared as though everyone in the bus was fine, no injuries or bites. They were all just exhausted and a bit shaken.

Alex's body felt numb, his mind unnaturally blank as he tried to focus on keeping the bus straight. His knuckles were gripping the wheel so tightly they were shaking. He doesn't even know why he was so upset. He didn't even like Lee. And yet.

"Was- was that necessary?" Alex finally asked, far too long later.

James and Jefferson didn't make it that far into the bus, too exhausted to move. They were sitting in the first two seats, right behind Alex. James' face was hard and emotionless. He spoke clearly, leaving no room for argument, "He wouldn't have made it in time. The zombies would have reached the bus first. It was him or us."

"But-"

James stood up, gripping Alex's seat, he nearly shouted, "Lee was a coward, he would rather run and save his own ass than help the rest of us! He deserved what he got!"

Alex wanted to twist around and argue, just for the sake of arguing. Because he was  _good_  at arguing. It was something that he  _enjoyed_  doing. But there was no fight in him right now. He just swallowed and grit his teeth. Hell, a part of him even agreed with James. But in this moment, so soon after the affair, it didn't feel right. And Alex couldn't quite place why.

James ran a hand over his face, turning and stalking to the back of the bus. Once he was out of earshot, Jefferson leaned forward a bit. Alex noticed the other man's hands were shaking violently as well, his eyes a bit wide.

"I told you." Jefferson said, his voice a bit breathless, "Number One."

Jefferson slowly got up and followed James to the back of the bus. Alex swallowed hard and wondered when they'd decide he was too much hassle to keep around. Would he receive the same treatment as Lee? Or would they grace him with a bullet?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	5. Don't Let Them Know What You're Against Or What You're For

At some point, James took over driving, leaving Alex to sit in one of the chairs and try and wrap his mind around everything. Jefferson was sitting a few seats in front of him, silently rubbing his temples. The bus was quiet except for the deep rumble of the engine and James carefully avoided holes in the roads.

Alexander is not a stranger to death. And yet, it's not something that someone just gets  _used_  to. At least, he hasn't, anyway. It doesn't matter that Alex hated Lee. Actually, none of this is about Lee at all. The only thing circling in Alex's mind is the fragility of life, especially in the new context thrust upon him. One day he left his office and suddenly everyone he knew was dead. That was hard to handle, and he still isn't okay with it. He'll  _never_  be okay with it. But then to witness such death right in front of him (or, behind him, as he was driving away, letting it happen), just adds more weight upon his chest. How long until his rib cage cracks under the pressure?

Furthermore, what's the purpose of fighting, running, hiding, and trying if death is inevitable? It's different than before. Before he could find reasons to dodge death, but now? He had none. And the way he saw it, there was only two ways to die out here: zombies or bullets. Images of his own future doom flashed in his mind and he briefly wondered why should he even bother prolonging it?

Alex didn't notice how his hand had slipped under his shirt, his nails scraping against the soft skin of his chest. An old habit coming back to kick his ass, it seems. He doesn't know how long he was doing that, as he thought. It took great effort to remove his hand and place it in his lap determinedly. The last thing he needed now was a self-induced rash.

In an attempt to get his mind off of everything, Alex stared out the window and hummed quietly to himself. It was a slow tune, one that he and Eliza had danced to one or twice. He felt himself take deep breaths, so he could hum the long notes.

Eliza was always much better at dancing than he was, but that's not to say that he wasn't a good dancer. The two had taken ballroom and Latin dance classes together; and while Alex was better at the quick moves, he stumbled once the pace slowed. Eliza always teased him that he needed to learn how to slow down, take deep breaths, and listen to the music. Alex just liked it better when she led them through the steps, her eyes sparkling with amusement and love.

Fuck, he missed her.

She would make this so much easier. But he'd hate to see her have to deal with this kind of world. It might be better that she died quickly, that way she wouldn't have to suffer through the fight.

"We made it out of Albany without any trouble." James said, barely loud enough to be heard. Jefferson didn't even raise his head up to look at him. Alex didn't say anything, but watched as the last of the broken city flew past them.

Alex almost wanted to make the comment, ' _So losing Lee was no trouble, then?_ ', but he, despite popular opinion, knew when to keep his mouth shut.

He sighed and sat back in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest. Maybe later he'd put on his binder; the familiar pressure is his only last sense of comfort.

* * *

It was not even ten minutes later that Alexander moved seats. He was getting trapped in his own head and he knew he had to find some way to combat it. If he lost himself now, he may never be able to find his way back.

"Of course reverse-racism exists!"

That's how he ended up in a stupid fight with Jefferson. He doesn't care about the topic, and even is on the opposite side of his actual beliefs, but he needed a distraction and Jefferson seemed to be the perfect target.

Jefferson rolled his eyes saying, "No, it really doesn't."

They were sitting next to each other - Alex had switched seats - and they're voices were carefully low. They didn't want to disrupt James while he drove and they were both still a bit shook by what had happened. Still, Jefferson seemed all too willing to play, and they fell into an argument easily.

"Anyone can be racist. Which means that minorities can be racist to white people; which makes it reverse racism." Alex rattled, the words doing their job effectively. That is, their job being distracting him and giving him something to do instead of just mull over his shitty life.

Jefferson waved his hand dismissively, "Sure, but think about the actual term 'reverse racism', that doesn't make sense in the context you're implying. The opposite of racism? That's thinking someone else's race is better than your own."

"Which still exists." Alex quickly jumped in, "Think about Hitler, he thought Aryans where the best, and he wasn't one."

"Okay, but Aryans aren't actually a race." Jefferson said, "That's still just white people."

"Race doesn't have to be about color." Alex replied, "It's just shared physical traits. We both have brown eyes, so we could both be the same race."

Jefferson's lips did that twitchy thing; where he's trying not to smile, but failing horribly at it. "The brown-eyed race?"

"Exactly!" Alex grinned, "Which means reverse racism exists, and I win."

Alex could see the way Jefferson's mind was churning behind his eyes; how he was trying to find a flaw in Alex's argument, but all that came out was a soft sigh. He shook his head and smiled to himself, muttering, "Whatever, Hamilton."

Alex shifted in his seat, watching Jefferson out of the corner of his eye. The man appeared to be done with any conversation, but Alex couldn't have that. He was here for a distraction, and if his distraction didn't give him attention, who would?

"I don't actually think reverse racism exists." Alex said, gaining Jefferson's curious gaze. "And if it did, whites probably deserve it."

Jefferson hummed in thought, before he said, "If there's ever going to be a time of peace, then there has to be no racism, reverse or otherwise."

"Well, yeah, obviously." Alex agreed, "There can't be peace without first acceptance."

"Of course, none of that matters now, anyway." Jefferson said, looking out the window. "The modern world is gone, and that includes modern problems. Now it's just people and zombies."

Alex paused, taking in the heavy implications of the comment. He quietly asked, "Do zombies count as a race?"

Jefferson turned to look at him. For a moment, he just stared at him. Alex felt himself shift under the gaze, but then Jefferson shrugged and said, "They all have a shared physical trait."

Alex grinned and said, "The zombie race."

"Don't tell anyone," Jefferson said, leaning forward. He lowered his voice even more to share his secret. Alex blinked and found himself horribly engaged in what the other man was about to say. "But I'm actually pretty racist. I hate the zombie race."

Alex let out a loud snort, his hand flying up to cover his mouth as he held back a laugh. He glanced over at James, who was silently driving, and then back to Jefferson. The southerner's eyes were twinkling with mirth as Alex tried to pull himself together. He forced a serious face on as he nodded and said, "Oh, that's understandable. Clearly, they're less superior to the rest of us."

"Unintelligent."

"Unsophisticated."

"Savage."

"Ugly."

"Well, by that standard, you'd be a part of the zombie race, too." Jefferson nudged him, a smirk playing on his lips.

Alex let out a dramatic gasp, "How dare you!?"

Jefferson's grin only widened as he said, "I just speak the truth."

"At least I don't have cotton ball hair!" Alex sneered.

One of Jefferson's hands came up to his hair, his eyes narrowing sharply. And, oh, Alex just  _knew_  he was about to get burned by whatever Jefferson said next. But it didn't matter. They both knew this game, he thinks. They both know what this is, a distraction, a stress-reliever, an escape. So Alex didn't mind any insult and snide comment that was sent his way, just as he was sure Jefferson didn't mind any in return. They bickered back and forth until all tension had left their bodies. Despite how wound up the arguments had gotten, Alex found himself at peace. Yes, he was rather fond of arguing, and yes, it appeared as though he had a worthy opponent.

* * *

When his legs started to fall asleep, Alex decided now was as good a time as any to go change clothes. He took his sweet time in that tiny bathroom, brushing the knots out of his hair with the brush Jefferson had stolen. Even with all the tangles fixed, his hair still felt gross and itchy, but he wasn't going to complain about it - he didn't want to take another "bath" anytime soon.

With a flat chest, less-dirty clothes, and his hair down by his shoulders, Alex walked out of the bathroom. He dropped his old clothes in one of the vacant seats, deciding he'd find a place for them later.

The sun was starting its decent downwards, and Alex took a moment to ponder what day it was. Has August turned into September yet? When will the first leaves on the trees start to change? When will the cold start to become a deadly concern?

He shook his head, they'll burn that bridge when they get to it.

Alex looked up and saw that Jefferson had moved to the front seat, cattywampus to James. Not one to be left out, Alex walked up to join them. He didn't want to sit, he'd been sitting for so long now, so he stood in the aisle, leaning against one of the seats easily.

James stopped whatever he was saying mid-sentence once he saw Alex approach. He shot him a glance through the rear-view mirror and offered him a small nod. "I was just telling Thomas that we'd be passing another city soon."

Alex felt a tug on his chest. He didn't want another city encounter so soon. He knew he was grimacing as he said, "Which one?"

"Schenectady." Jefferson replied, looking out the windshield. "We had to shift east a bit, apparently."

"I told you, the road was impassable." James replied, sounding a bit annoyed. "This is the only route."

Alex had never been to Schenectady before. It's a fairly big town, they had passed as sign that said "Population: 64,000". They were driving down I-90; occasionally rushing past the backsides of neighborhoods. Every once in awhile, Alex can see a zombie stumble by. Even if they were protected by the moving bus, it still sent a shiver down Alex's spine, knowing that those monsters were out there.

"Hey, what's that?" James asked, leaning forward a bit. Jefferson and Alex looked up as well, squinting in the setting sun.

"Can't tell." Jefferson mumbled. He swatted Alex in the stomach and said, "Go get the binoculars."

"We have binoculars?" Alex asked himself as he shuffled to the back of the bus. He found them after a second, they were hidden under a jacket in last seat. He quickly returned to the front of the bus; binoculars in hand. Once he was standing next to Jefferson's seat once again, he looked through them, frowning at what he saw. "It's a couple, I think. A man and a woman."

"Are they infected?" James asked.

"No, doesn't look like it." Alex replied, trying to keep the binoculars steady with the rumble of the bus. "I think they're healthy. It looks like their truck broke down, though."  
Jefferson waved dismissively, "Leave them. Not our monkeys, not our circus."

Alex hesitated, lowering the binoculars, "She's pregnant."

"Pull over!" Jefferson said immediately, standing up.

"Thomas-"

"James,  _stop the bus_!"

Alex stumbled as Madison slammed on the breaks unnecessarily. They were still 100 yards away from the couple, but Madison put the bus in park and turned around to look at Jefferson. "Thomas. Don't do something stupid. I know-"

"Shut the fuck up." Jefferson growled, slamming his hand down on the 'open door' button. He jumped out the bus and started running long before James could reach out and stop him. Alex was stunned to silence as he watched Jefferson run up the street, towards the couple. James cussed loudly, slamming his hands on the wheel. He slowly took a deep breath, then started the bus. He moved slowly until they were a few feet away from the couple and Jefferson, who were shaking hands and talking.

"What, um, what-" Alex asked, but James was already jumping out of the bus, stalking up to the group. Alex scrambled after him, surprised by the aggression that was rolling off of him in waves.

The couple were just a little older than himself; the man had a beer belly that would not last long in the apocalypse. The woman had curly hair that stopped just short of her shoulders. Her shirt stretched out over a round belly, clearly far into a pregnancy. They stood next to a rusted truck, that was pulled to the side of the road.

Jefferson had one of the woman's hands clasped in his own. He was listening intently to whatever the man was saying. When Alex stopped next to James, Jefferson spoke, "Don't you worry, we'd be happy to help."

Alex felt like James was going to snap. His expression was tight, his eyes narrowed as he glared daggers into Jefferson's head. Alex shifted on his feet, quietly watching the scene before him.

"And what, per say, are we helping with, Thomas?" James asked.

"This family needs food." Jefferson said, gesturing to the woman, "They've run out and they need more."

"Okay." James said, rubbing his forehead in frustration, "So we'll give them some of our food."

"Oh, no." The man spoke up, "We couldn't possibly- if you could just, maybe, help me go into the city right there, and get some food from there. I promise we'll be out of your hair in no time."

James shook his head, "That's not necessary, you can just have some of our-"

"I insist!" The man said, putting a hand on James' shoulder, "Taking your hard-earned food isn't right. But I don't feel comfortable leaving my wife alone, unarmed, while I scavenge… We just need a little help, see?"

Jefferson was nodding along enthusiastically, "Don't you worry, sir, we'll ensure your wife and you have plenty to eat."

"Thomas."

Jefferson ignored James, continuing, "Hamilton and I will go with you into Schenectady, while James will stay here with your wife."

"Ah, bless you, bless you all." The wife sighed, smiling gratefully up at Jefferson; who offered her a kind smile in return.

"Thomas. A word." James practically growled. Jefferson actually flinched at the tone, mumbling politely to the couple, "One moment please."

Alex followed them as they took a few steps away from the couple, and immediately started arguing. His eyebrows raised as the two practically spit venom at each other in a way Alex hadn't seen before. There was no platonic flirting or cute banter. They looked close to murder.

"We  _need_  to keep going; we can't stop to help literal  _strangers_  because of your bleeding heart-"

"You don't understand, okay, I  _need_  to do this! I can't let-"

"This won't bring Martha back, Thomas!" James shouted. Jefferson froze, his eyes widening as James quietly added, "She's gone."

Alex glanced over at the couple, who was watching them intently. He scratched at his neck nervously, not really wanting to jump into the argument, but knowing that a decision must be made.

"Okay." Alex said, using the low, soothing voice he reserved for his children, "James, you need to go and take a few deep breaths. Jefferson, we'll help this couple. But once we get some supplies and bring the man back here, we don't help anyone else. Understand? We'll be on the road again within two hours. Let this be the one time we extend our hand, okay?"

James shot him a glare, refusing to reply.

Jefferson took his hand and bent down until he caught James' eye, "Jemmy, I  _have_  to do this."

Alex held his breath, thinking that James was still going to fight them, until he finally let out a sigh and mumbled, "Fine."

Jefferson pulled him into a hug and pressed a kiss upon his forehead. "Don't worry, darlin', I'll be okay. We'll be right back in no time. Thank you, Jemmy; thank you, darlin'."

James shuffled onto the bus to grab some guns and ammo for them. Meanwhile, Jefferson informed the couple that they'd be more than happy to help them gather supplies. Alex watched at the gentle way Jefferson spoke to the woman, how his gaze flickered down to her swollen belly. He remembered seeing that expression on his own face when Eliza was pregnant. So many questions were at the tip of his tongue, but he didn't speak a single one. That would be saved for a later date, he decided.

James returned and handed Jefferson and Alex a gun each. He kept one on his shoulder and looked to the husband with a raised eyebrow. "Sorry. We only have three."

Alex is well aware of the lie, and by the way Jefferson shot him a dirty look, so was he. But the husband was none the wiser, waving it off easily, "Oh, that's okay. I got my trusty Marucci."

As he spoke, he pulled a metal baseball bat out of the truck, swinging it twice before resting it on his shoulder. James hummed, unimpressed. He looked up to the darkening sky, "Zombies aren't active at night, but you also can't see. So get in and get out. Don't start any fights if they're not necessary. Remember zombies are attracted to noise, so above all else,  _stay quiet_."

"Aye aye, captain." The husband said. Then he turned to his wife and pulled her into a kiss. His hand rested on her belly as he said softly, "I love you so much."

"No," The woman replied, leaning into his touch, "It is I, that loves you so much."

Alex snorted, covering it with a cough. He glanced at Jefferson who was also trying to hold back his laughter. James rolled his eyes and sent them on their way.

As they walked up the ramp to enter the city, the husband kept turning to look at his wife, who stood beside James. Jefferson noticed this and bumped their shoulders goodnaturedly, "Don't worry. She's safe with him. James has the best shot this side of the Mississippi. And, if your concerned about, uh,  _other_  things, his ass is asexual." Jefferson paused after a second to add, "And mine."

Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head. The man, however, smiled a bit and said, "That's good to hear. I'm just nervous, leaving her alone like this. She's so far into her pregnancy, I get paranoid, you know?"

"Believe me." Jefferson sighed, "I know."

Alex spoke up then, "When my wife was pregnant with my son, I thought every little thing was out to get her. I almost fought a squirrel for her, once. But now, everything  _is_  out to get your wife. So your concern's understandable."

"We'll make sure you get back to her in no time." Jefferson added.

"That's awfully kind of you guys." The husband smiled.

They didn't speak much from that point on. The further they got into Schenectady, the more on edge they became. It was dark, and none of them were smart enough to bring a flashlight. Schenectady was a town of way too many small, shitty houses pressed too close together. They were able to break into one of them, believing that there'd be more supplies in the homes than in the torn up McDonalds.

They opened up strangers' cupboards and cabinets, looking for anything that could be useful to a pregnant woman during the apocalypse. They didn't speak much, only letting out sharp whistles when they were moving onto the next house. By the fifth house, they hadn't seen any zombies, and were a bit more relaxed.

"I think a stoner lived here." Alex whispered, showing Jefferson the collection of DVDs he found, " _Ted; Billy Madison; Super Troopers_ , who else would like this stuff?"

Jefferson chuckled and muttered, "God I wish, maybe we could find some good kush."

"It's the apocalypse, how good could it be?" Alex asked. The DVDs were put back and they continued on their exploration.

As they were outside, moving from one house to another; a sudden high-pitched beeping noise sounded off. Alex and Jefferson whipped around to see the husband patting his pockets. He pulled out a walkie-talkie, smiling down at it, "Oh, that's my girl."

Jefferson frowned, stepping forward, "Is something wrong?"

"Nope." The man said, popping the 'p'. He shoved the walkie-talkie back into his pocket, grabbed his bat with both hands, and started swinging. He hit Jefferson in the leg, sending him onto the ground immediately. Alex got the wind knocked out of him as the metal bat connected with his stomach. He curled in on himself as he tried desperately to suck in a breath, but between the impact and his binder, there was a bigger chance of him hypoventilating than anything.

There was a deep rumble coming from somewhere down the road, the husband grinned widely as the bus -  _their_  bus - came flying towards them. It stopped just long enough for the doors to fling open. The husband jumped on and called to them, "Thanks for the help! Little tip, you got company!"

Alex forced his eyes open long enough to see the shuffling of shadows down the road, approaching the loud, metal vehicle next to them. He groaned as the bus doors closed and the couple sped away, leaving them stranded.

Panic started to scramble Alexander's thoughts. His vision was blurring a bit as his breathing failed him. He was choking, suffocating, water was filling his lungs, he was going to die-

Jefferson made a sharp whimpering sound and it was just enough to snap Alex out of it. He took as many even breaths as he could before he turned to Jefferson, who was gripping his leg; barely moving. Alex kept low, not trusting his legs just yet. He crawled over to Jefferson, his hands shaking.

"They- they took our bus! They fucking took our bus!? What do we do!?" Alex asked, obviously distressed. His voice was a bit wheezy and he was a little lightheaded, but he pushed that aside for now. "Jefferson, what- what do we do?!"

Alex shook his shoulder and Jefferson flinched violently before he looked up at him with wide eyes. He let out a small whimper, and Alex could tell he wasn't fully there. There was something about the foggy look in his tear-filled eyes that Alexander just  _knew_  meant trouble.

"God damn it, Jefferson, I need you to snap out of it! I don't know what to do! I need you - I-" Alex looked up at the sound of zombies. They weren't so close that they were about to die, but they were close enough that Alex  _felt_  like they were about to die. Alex's mouth snapped shut as he stood up. His blood was pumping so loudly in his ears it made it hard to think; his breathing was still shaky and he was running out of time.

His eyes scattered around the area, looking for a way out. Quickly, he decided that being out in the open was the worst possible idea, and so he turned to the nearest house, one of the ones they just scavenged. Without thinking, he reached down, grabbed Jefferson's arm, and  _yanked_  until the man stumbled clumsily to his feet. Jefferson cried out in pain, and almost immediately fell again, but Alex shoved himself under the taller man's shoulder, holding him up as well as he could. He forced them to take a quick pace across the yard and into the house. Once they were through the door, Alex twisted around to shut and lock the door. He could hear the zombies outside, slower with the lack of light. They hadn't yet figured out where the humans had hidden. Jefferson was leaning far too heavily on Alex's small frame, and he knew he'd have to put him down soon. He tried to remember where the bathroom was in this house - he knows he saw it when they were scoping it out. He makes a lucky guess and finds it on the second try. Why the bathroom? There's no windows or exits in there. If they stay quiet long enough, the zombies will go away, and they'll be able to escape out the back. At least, that's the plan.

Alex helps Jefferson down so he's sitting on the closed toilet. The man doesn't seem to recognize that he's in a different place. He crumples in on himself, his hands cupping his left thigh. Alex steps forward until Jefferson's head rested on his stomach. He gently runs his fingers through Jefferson's hair while he takes deep breaths. His heart is beating way too fast; he has a stitch in his side and he  _deeply_  regrets putting his binder on. Although, if he didn't put it on, it might've been stolen in the bus. Still, his chest fucking hurts.

They spend a few minutes in silence, Alex trying to catch his breath. He thinks about Eliza; about how beautiful she was; how she used to calm him down as soon as she walked in the room; how much he loves her. It helps enough for him to be focused enough to work on the Jefferson Problem.

His fingers scratch gently at Jefferson's scalp as he speaks, "Take deep breaths. It'll be okay. I need you to focus right now. Can you hear me?"

Jefferson makes a small sound from the back of his throat, that might've been affirmation, but Alex isn't completely sure. He chews on his lip while he thinks. There's a noise from outside, and Alex freezes, looking at the closed bathroom door. He stays in that tense position until he's sure there's nothing waiting for them on the other side.

"When the going gets tough, that means it's time to get lost." Alex said, quietly, trying to get some kind of reaction from the man, "So we need to get ready to get going, you know?"

Jefferson gave no response, his breathing coming out rapidly and his eyes shifting from one spot to another distractedly.

"I've never been good at calming people." Alex sighed, giving up. He hid his face in his hands, groaning miserably, "Fuck, James would know what to do."

Jefferson sat up straight suddenly, his eyes seeing through Alex as realization crossed his face. "Fuck! James!"

Alex yelped as Jefferson shoved him aside and threw himself out of the bathroom. Alex scrambled to the door, just in time to see Jefferson disappear out the back of the house. Alex swallowed hard, almost tripping on his way to the back door. When he looked out at the back yard, Jefferson was nowhere to be seen.

"Shit!" Alex hissed, stepping backwards. His back hit the kitchen counter and he slid down to the ground. This could  _not_  be happening to him; no, Jefferson wouldn't just  _abandon_  him like this, would he? Of course he would. Alex laughed bitterly to himself. "Gotta look out for Number One."

Alex backed himself into a corner, his heart pounding rapidly as he looked around for any sign of help. No one. There was no one.

He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	6. Alex You Gotta Fend For Yourself

Alex was alone - Oh, dear God Lord in heaven Jesus Christ almighty - he was alone. He was alone, in the middle of the night, in some dead stranger's rundown kitchen, with zombies prowling outside. He hid his face in against his knees as he tried to keep quiet. There were tears in his eyes, and he couldn't stop himself from shedding a few. They rolled thickly down his cheeks; he clamped his hand over his mouth to keep himself from being too loud. He couldn't let the monsters outside know where he was. Even still. He was going to die. This is it. This is the end. His name won't go down in history because there will be no history anymore. Everything he ever worked for is pointless now. Everything's over. This dirty kitchen floor will be his resting place; and if that didn't match his life perfectly, then nothing would.

He didn't even have a gun anymore. He stupidly dropped it when that man swung his bat at him. There was nothing Alexander could do except wait for a zombie to come find him. Eliza always joked that he wouldn't survive a month without her. Who knew she was absolutely right?

Oh, Eliza. There was the bright side to this, he supposed. Now he got to see his sweet girl once more. And his kids. Would they all share a heaven? Are they watching him now? What would they say?

_It's okay to let go now, Daddy._

Alex swallowed hard, his heart clenching as he imagined meeting his kids once more. His little Angie would squeal with joy and run into his arms. Philip, the poor boy, would cry; unable to hold back his emotions at seeing his father once more. And Eliza? Eliza would kiss him one more time, praise him for making it so far. Just a week or two. Is that considered far into the apocalypse? Would she be proud? He hoped so. Otherwise, what was he even trying for?

Despite it all, Jefferson would probably be fine. Whether James is alive or not doesn't matter. Jefferson's strong, healthy, smart, resourceful - as much as Alex hated to admit it. He'd survive this apocalypse without breaking a sweat; while Alexander is left miles behind, hiding in the corner.

Alex let out a sharp sob, unable to muffle it with his fingers. There's a sudden banging from the front door. Alex was never very fond of door-to-door salesmen, but he briefly considers letting this one in. The banging gets louder and louder, until it's the only thing Alex can hear. A small whine escapes him. His hand slips under his shirt, under his binder, and his nails dig into his skin. What's it matter now? He's going to die, so it doesn't matter.

_Hush_. A voice said in his ears; paradoxically nonexistent and right beside him. A ghost of arms wrap around him, sending the hairs on the back of his neck upright. His nails halt their attack; his sobs quiet. He knows this voice.

"...Eliza…?" Alex whispered, his voice no more than a broken cry.

_Not yet, love._  The voice tells him.  _You can't die yet._

And then the ghost is gone, leaving him alone once more, zombies still pounding outside. He opens his eyes, furiously wiping away tears. He chewed on his lip, his eyes darting out to look outside the window, up at the sky. The moon tried its hardest to be seen from behind the thick clouds. Alex could only catch the smallest of glimpses at its gorgeous shine. But it was enough.

Out of nowhere, a new emotion sparked deep inside him. It clawed itself deep from inside his chest, slicing through the dark thoughts that suffocated him. He took a deep breath, gaining power from this intense force.

And what was it that gave him the strength to stand up and crack his knuckles? What was strong enough to encourage him to kick open the door to the garage; to sift through the random house's junk; to find an axe among a pile of rakes and skateboards? What could possibly be so persistent to change the mind of Alexander Hamilton?

Spite.

When all else fails, always resort to spite.

Alex lets out a growl as he steps up to the backdoor, which was still slid open since Jefferson's retreat. The night air is cold, the trees in the yard sway with the wind. There is no moon; clouds hide any light from his eyes. In the distance, he can hear the growls and shuffling of his enemy.

Quickly, he decides which way is the highway; then he tightens his grip on his axe, and runs. As he disappears into the night, the zombies just managed to break down the front door. By the time they made it into the kitchen, Alex had already jumped the first fence and was gone.

At first, his only obstacles are the fences separating lawns. It slows him down, having to climb one after the other, but he'd rather take this route than be out in the open on the streets. He's not sure he can outrun a horde of zombies; sprinting for miles and miles to the highway. His adrenaline would give up at some point. His binder would become too tight. His spite would run dry. At least with this route, he stood a chance. He doesn't think the zombies are smart enough to climb over the tall fences, or strong enough to break through the metal ones. He jumps down from a particularly tall wooden fence, stumbling a bit. Curse his short stature. Thomas must've gone through these backyards easily. That tall ass motherfucker. Or did he take his chances, sprinting down the street? He's got long legs, he'd probably would've been fine. Asshole.

Alex climbed onto an abandoned dog's house at the other side of the yard, using it to climb back up over the next fence. A deep growl made him pause before he climbed over. Standing on the roof of the dog house, he looked over the fence to see a zombie child tripping over it's own broken feet. Alex ducked back down behind the fence, squatting low to the roof he was on. He chewed his lip and thought.

He had an axe. There's a zombie. Axe plus zombie equals fight. But this was a little kid zombie. Are they harder to fight? If not physically, then morally? Pip used to play a video game - what was it? - Minecraft? The little kid zombies in that game were faster than the adult ones, but they had less health. Maybe he should think of this as a video game? He had to remind himself that this wasn't a human child. This was a zombie. A monster. Something bad that needed to be killed. It wasn't his fault. He had to get past the zombie, and the only way to do so is to fight.

The child growled and stumbled against the wooden fence, shaking it a bit. Alex's fingers tightened on his axe. Or maybe he shouldn't think about it at all. No thinking, just doing. Like on the rooftops in New York. He didn't pause there; he just let his body take over. Now it's probably time to do the same. Don't think about being a (zombie) child murderer. Just  _be_  a (zombie) child murderer.

Alex used one hand to help hurtle himself over the fence, while the other gripped his axe, ready to swing. The zombie kid twisted around, spit falling from it's lips. It was missing an eye and it's chubby cheeks were scraped up. It's hair was absolutely filthy, and it looked like it had just rolled round in the sewer. Alex almost felt bad for it. But then it lunged at him and all concerns for what used to be a child dissipated.

Alex backed up, keeping some distance between himself and the kid. It crashes to the ground where he just stood, sprawling on all fours. Alex glanced at his axe, making sure it was facing the right way, before grit his teeth and started swinging.

The zombie let out the most terrifying, disgusting noise. It shrieked like a howler monkey on acid; snarling and spitting, but unable to move as Alex kept hitting it over and over. The axe got stuck on its shoulder blade, making a sickening  _chunk_  sound on impact. Alex yanked the axe out and then aimed for the zombie's head, realizing that he was missing the important parts. The kid's screaming halted as the axe broke through its skull.

There was a silent, horrifying moment, where the kid looked up at Alex. They didn't scream, they didn't cry. But they reached for him, gently; a small, scared whine escaping their lips. Alex couldn't look away as the blood slowly dripped down their face and the light faded from their eyes. When they laid their head down in the dirt, body awkwardly twisted, Alex could see the kid they used to be. His heart clenched painfully and his stomach ached. He swallowed back bile as he pulled his axe out of the kid's face; blood and grey matter flinging everywhere.

Alex stared at their dead body for just a moment, before he forced his feet to keep moving. He had father to go. This was only the beginning.

By taking the backyards, he hasn't run into too many zombies. Most of which he gave the same treatment as the child. Some others, he just avoided entirely. He lost count how many zombies he beat the shit out of after the twelth or so. When he reached the last back yard and there was just the open stretch of road before him, Alex felt like a changed man.

His hair stuck to his face with sweat and his clothes were soaked in zombie blood; ripped and unrecognizable. He staggered forward, breathing heavily.

Just as he thought he was safe, a deep growl came from behind him. Alex whipped around, automatically swinging his axe. The zombie's eye took the hit; the axe sinking deep into its skull. Alex kicked the zombie's body, dislodging it from the axe. The zombie's skull ripped, grossly revealing the mess of bone and brain tissue inside it. Alex looked around and saw no other threats. He let out a soft sigh, allowing himself to relax a little.

He did it. He made it out of the town. Now he just had to find that southern prick and give him a piece of his mind. Alex spotted the couples' truck easily, it was one of the only cars on the road. Sitting next to it was two figures. Alex was a genius, but he didn't need to be one to figure out who it was.

"HEY FUCKFACE!" Alex shouted when he caught sight of Jefferson sitting on the floor, James kneeling in front of him. The man's back was to him, he twisted around to see the angry immigrant trying to pick the best path through the debris. Jefferson faced forward once more, messing with something in front of him before James helped him stand up.

"Were you bit?" James called before Alex got too close; reaching for his gun on the ground.

Alex glared at him, replying loudly, "No! No thanks to you!"

He thought he heard Jefferson mutter something like, "You look it." But Alex elected to ignore that in order to verbally beat the shit out of him instead.

"What the fuck happened back there!?" Alex shouted, stomping the rest of the way up to them. He almost tripped getting onto the highway and his clothes were torn; but his eyes were alive with fury and energy. He stopped right in front of Jefferson, spitting mad. "Explain yourself!"

James rubbed his head, saying, "She wasn't actually pregnant. She had a pumpkin up her shirt and when y'all got far enough away, she whipped it out and smashed it on my head. They just wanted the bus."

The story was so bizarre, it snapped Alex out of his anger for a minute. "She hit you with a pumpkin?"

James gestured to the destroyed gourd at their feet. Bits of pumpkin were smeared around the pavement, looking like a jack-o-lantern had a bad night. "It hurt."

Jefferson went to see if James has a bump, but the shorter man swatted his hands away. Alex shook his head, deciding to ignore the fact that James lost a fight with a pumpkin. He turned to Jefferson and pointed at him, "I meant  _you_! What the fuck!? What happened to that High School Musical we're-all-in-this-together kumbaya my lord bullshit!?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jefferson said, crossing his arms.

Alex threw his hands in the air, shouting, "You just  _left_  me!"

"I thought you were following." Jefferson shrugged, "Not my fault you don't know when to run."

"Bull. Shit." Alex jabbed a finger at Jefferson's chest, "Did you really think you could get rid of me like that?!"

"No, then it'd be easy." Jefferson sneered, looking down at Alex.

James waved them off, interrupting the rumbles of a fight in the making, "Regardless of who left who, we need to get out of here. You can argue on the road. I'm going to see if their truck works, you guys keep look out."

James stepped over to the truck that the couple left. Alex watched as he fiddled with the handle, satisfied when the door popped open; unlocked. Jefferson sighed and crossed his arms. Alex undid his hair and redid it, gathering all the stray hairs that flew away during the night. Jefferson watched him quietly. After a moment, the taller man spoke.

"That sucked." Jefferson grumbled, absentmindedly rubbing his leg. "I'm never going to be nice to someone ever again."

"Oh, so nothing's changing." Alex commented brightly, "Good to know, I'll alert the press."

Ignoring him, Jefferson shook his head, muttering, "I should've fuckin' known it was fake. Did you hear them? Fuckin' white ass heteros." He flung his arm over his eyes dramatically, mocking, "I love you  _soooo muuuuch_!"

Alex felt himself grin, holding back a laugh at the obnoxious behavior. He just  _had_  to join in.

"No!" Alex said, clasping his hands together, and giving a deep gasp, "It is  _I,_  who loves  _you_  so much!"

The two looked at each other, keeping a straight face for just a second before they both burst into childish giggles. Jefferson said between his laughter, "Right!? How fucking Shakespearean can you get!? No one talks like that!"  
"I bet they rehearsed it!" Alex grinned, tears of laughter forming in his eyes, "They were just  _waiting_  for the opportunity to use it!"

"God strike me dead if I ever say something as ridiculous as that." Jefferson sighed, running a hand over his face. He was still smiling, and Alex found all his frustrations from earlier wash away. Jefferson had this way about him that strangely affected Alex's mood. It was probably just the joy of making fun of a mutual enemy. That always brings people together.

"You have said things inexplicably worse than that to both your wife and myself. And once to an exceptionally good bowl of mac-n-cheese." James deadpanned from the truck before Jefferson could reply, "I remember specific quotes. Now shut up and get in."

They climbed into the couple's rusty truck. There's no back seat; all three of them forced to sit in the front. Alex has to sit in the middle, since he's the smallest. Jefferson elbows him when he shifts too close. His axe was awkwardly shoved on the ground by their feet. The radio works, but there's nothing but static on every station. James tells him the radio stations went down only a week into the apocalypse. The window on the passenger's side jams halfway down. And, of course, they have next to no supplies.

But they keep going, keep progressing, heading north, to a better place; always driving, always moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)  
> For a bonus in between chapter, [click here,](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/post/170651169212/couldnt-seem-to-die-chapter-55) but be warned, it has spoilers for Thomas' character, and if you don't want to be spoiled, you shouldn't read it.


	7. Sittin' In Their Own Sick, The Scent Thick

It's strange, hard to describe, but almost as soon as Alex was in the truck, sitting between these two men, he felt … odd. He doesn't know where it comes from, but it's bizarrely hard to think. His thoughts float just out of his reach and he can't seem to gather enough consciousness to fully comprehend any thoughts he does register. It's not a good feeling. He feels like he's drunk, but without any of the fun parts of being drunk.

To make matters worse, his anxiety has spiked rather high. His heart is pounding rapidly and a deep paranoia rages through him. Every time he shifts he freezes because he's worried that James or Jefferson is going to think he's being weird. And they've been quiet for so long now, maybe an hour of silence? Alex couldn't break that, not when he might say something wrong. What would he say anyway? Maybe that's why he doesn't voice his growing concerns about his mental health.

He tries to focus on the road before him, but watching the moving street just makes his head spin. His body feels heavy; his muscles too tired and sore to hold himself up anymore. He's exhausted, and he's not entirely sure why. Was it just the zombie killing spree he just went on? Or is it the lack of food he's had lately? No. He's been hungry before and this isn't that. And he hasn't really had a big appetite anyway, so he sees no problem there.

"What're you doing?" A voice said. It's too far away to actually distinguish whose voice it is. The world kind of blurs a little as he moves. His head is awkwardly resting on something, his neck not willing to keep his head up anymore. "OH, SHIT!? Hamilton?! Are you alright?!"

There's another voice, and it's talking. But Alex can't distinguish the words. His head feels like there's a nail gun drilling into his temples, scrambling his thoughts with sharp pain, and his hands are shaking uncontrollably.

Alex gets a sharp sense of clarity and he says as clear as he can, "Stop the car."

His hands flies up to his mouth, and he can't seem to close it, like there's a crowbar in his jaw. He chokes on his own breathing, his eyes screwing shut. A thick, burning feeling forms in the back of his throat. He knows what's about to happen.

"Stop the car!" He repeats, unbuckling himself as James hits the brakes. Alex can barely think as he leans over Jefferson and throws open the passenger side door.

"Ow! OW!" Jefferson hissed as Alex fumbled, scrambling over his lap and onto the road. His knees give out almost instantly; his hands catching himself on the hard cement. He closes his eyes and let's the sick, guttural noises escape him.

He hadn't eaten in a while, so all that came up was spit, stomach acid, and small chunks of leftover indistinguishable food scraps. And it didn't come up easily. The acid that ripped up his esophagus had to be pulled out, grossly hurtled forward by contracting muscles. His abs started to burn as his body aggressively convulsed. Alex choked and gagged, unable to breathe as his stomach abandoned him through his mouth. He didn't even have the strength to groan in pain. Fun fact: puking while wearing a binder? Not Fun.

"Oh, Alex, you're getting it on your hands." A voice said above him.

"Ew. That's nasty." Another said.

Fingers gently brush against his cheeks as they gather his hair, holding it back for him. Another hand soothingly rubs his back. The voices are quieter once more, disguised under Alex's grunting.

"Do you think this is a kind of zombie virus?"

"I don't know. He didn't seem like the infected. He definitely looked green, though."

"James, what do we do if it is?"

"...We'll deal with that later."

Alex was breathing now, nothing else coming up except the spit in his mouth. He had to spit multiple times, his mouth a foul-tasting liquid sea of saliva and leftover acid. He blinked away tears as he stared down at the slimy mess he made on the road. His body was still shaking, but only minutely now. And he wasn't nauseous anymore, although looking at his own vomit was unpleasant.

Alex sat back on his knees, closing his eyes and focusing on breathing. His head still hurt like a bitch, and he found himself leaning into the hand brushing through his hair soothingly. He opened his eyes at James' voice. The other man squatted down next to him, a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Are you okay? What happened? Are you sick?"

And that was three too many questions at the moment. Alex let out a weak groan, tilting his head back against the fingers still in his hair. His gaze drifted up to the man standing above him. It took him perhaps a few seconds too long to realize that it was Jefferson that was gently massaging his scalp. Alex blinked slowly, his mind clearing finally. He found he could think easily; whatever what fogging his mind seemed to pass by. Still, he stared at Jefferson's concerned face for a few seconds longer.

"M'okay." Alex mumbled. He cleared his throat, which only made him wince. He had to take a second to swallow before he spoke again, his gaze shifted back over to James' face. His voice was raw from the vomiting, scratchy, as he spoke, "I think it's my T."

"T?" Jefferson asked, "Like, spill the tea?"

Alex was too drained to say anything other than a tired, "No. Testosterone."  
James was quick to cover up his slip, "He takes testosterone for … erectile dysfunction."

Alex shot him the most irritated expression he could muster in his weak state. Jefferson shifted behind him, muttering, "Why do you know that?"

"Thomas, go stand in the corner." James said suddenly, his voice hard and demanding.

"What?! Why?!" Jefferson's hands left his hair, and Alex let out a pitiful whine at the loss.

James let out a frustrated huff, "Because I said so."

"There's no corner for me to stand in!? We're outside?!" Jefferson snarked, his voice astounded.

"Then find one!" James snapped.

Alex watched as Jefferson threw his hands in the air and stomped off. He could see from behind James' shoulder that the southerner decided that the nearest corner was in the truck bed. He awkwardly climbed into the back of the truck, flipped off James' back, and then sat down in the corner of the truck bed. Alex felt his lips twitch at the man's actions. He'd laugh, if his body didn't hurt so much.

"What's happening?" James asked quietly, once he made sure Jefferson wasn't watching them.

Alex let out a long sigh, rubbing his forehead. "I'm going through withdrawal. I haven't been on my T in, what, two weeks? Two and a half? My body is trying to find the supply, and when it can't, it's trying to default back to estrogen." James gave him a blank look, so Alex simplified, "My hormones are out of whack and my brain doesn't know how to fix it."

James shook his head and then nodded, unsure of how to explain himself. "No, I got that part. I just … what does this mean? Will you … change back?"

Alex let out a low growl, "It doesn't work like that, I won't just  _become a girl_  if that's what you're thinking."

"No, I - god damn it, Alex, you know what I mean. If you don't have your testosterone, is there anything that I need to know about as a side effect? Like you  _puking your guts out_." James said in a harsh whisper.

Alex thought for a moment, not really wanting to have this conversation now. Or ever. "The only thing that'll change, I'm pretty sure, is that I'll get my period again."

"What?!" James said, just a bit too loud. Jefferson looked over at them, before being waved off by James. "What do you mean?"

Alex let out a huff, brushing his hair out of his face, "I still have my ovaries. They're going to start making estrogen again. And then my body'll start making eggs, and I'll bleed them out of my-"  
"Okay, okay, I get it now." James interrupted, covering his face with his hands for a moment. He took a deep breath and then said, "Okay. Right. Okay. When will that happen?"

"I dunno." Alex shrugged. "I'm not in charge of this kind of thing."

James sat back on his butt, resting his head in his hands, "Great. So, we'll have to prepare for that at some point. What will we need? Like, just, feminine hygiene supplies?"

"Pads and tampons are okay." Alex said, wanting to smile at the way James squirmed uncomfortably. "But those aren't reusable, and I'd eventually run out. Really what would be best is a diva cup, if we could find one."  
"What… what is a…" James asked, sounding like he really didn't want to know.  
Alex gestured with his hands, curving his fingers upwards on one hand and making a 'c' shape with his other. "It's a small, silicone cup that gets inserted into the vagina and catches all the blood. You take it out at the end of the day, clean it, and put it back in. They last for, like, four years or something."

James' face had gone extremely pale. He shook his head and cursed quietly. "Okay, uh, when will we need this stuff?"

Alex thought for a second before sighing, "I don't know. I would think it would take a while, for the estrogen to build back up. But hormones and stuff are hard to figure out. I haven't had a period in years, so I have no idea when my cycle is anymore. It used to be a really irregular flow, anyway."

"Okay, we don't have to talk about it anymore." James said, waving his hands in a halting motion.

Alex frowned, getting annoyed, "You asked! You can't want to know all about my junk and then get grossed out when I tell you!"

"I'm not, I just, look this isn't my normal-" James sputtered, his face red. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend. I just need to know how long your withdrawal will last?"

Alex sighed, tired of this conversation. He wanted to get back on the road and pretend this never happened. "I don't know."

"When will-"

"I don't know! Damn it! I don't know!" Alex shouted, slamming his hands on the concrete. "I've never done this before! T is the only thing I've ever remembered to do! Food, sleep, fuck it, I don't care. But T? I've never forgotten that once."

James' hands were on his cheeks now, brushing back tears that Alex didn't even realize he was shedding, "Hey, hey, don't cry!"

"Shit, James, what'd'ya do to him?" Jefferson asked. Alex could hear the distinct sound of Jefferson getting out of the truck and moving over to him. Alex felt a deep coldness take over his chest, pulling his heart down like a rock. It was hard to breathe, but he couldn't take off his binder, not right now; not after this realization. He silently wished the kind of medicine he needed to take was the will-die-without-kind, so that way he's body would just shut down and he'd not have to go through all this bullshit.

"Nothing! Hormone imbalance causes mood swings!" James spoke to Jefferson. He wasn't wrong. It might have played a role on his intense emotions lately. But he knew his sorrow right now was genuine.

"Is he going to be alright?" Jefferson asked, concern lacing his tones.  
"Yeah, I think."

"Okay, let's get moving then."

He felt arms wrap around him, and soon he was being scooped up, pressed against a warm chest. Alex's vision was too blurred with tears to get a clear picture, but he knew James wasn't strong enough to lift him, and that only left one other option. Alex closed his eyes, his hand covering his mouth as he sobbed quietly.

He was placed delicately back into the truck like some fucking child. Alex forced his crying to stop, holding his breath and closing his eyes until the tears halted. He refused to be weakest person here anymore. But even as his tears dried on his cheeks, the heavy weight in his chest didn't lift.

James and Jefferson stood outside the truck, just a few feet away. They weren't as quiet as they thought they were. Alex wrapped his arms around himself and pressed his knees up against the dashboard. He silently listened to the men talk, sniffling occasionally.

"This is getting ridiculous. What aren't you telling me, James?"

"Nothing! Look, we need to get going, we need to start finding more supplies, since all of our shit was on that bus. We've gone too long without restocking, we'll need food, water, blankets, um, cups-"

"You're avoiding the question. What's going on with you two? Why do you know about how well his dick works?"

"Wait. Are you serious right now?"

"...What?"

"I can't believe this."

"What do you mean?"

"Get in the truck, Thomas."

A moment later, both men were climbing in beside him from either side. James was still in the driver's seat. Jefferson shot him a confused, suspicious look over Alex's head when they closed their doors. It wasn't long later that the truck rumbled to life and they were off, flying down the road once more.

Exhaustion washed over Alex, coaxing him to sleep all of this off and pretend it was a dream. Alex closed his eyes and felt himself shift until he was comfy. He rested his head on the shoulder to his right.  
"Uh, did I say you could sleep on me?" Jefferson sassed. He shifted in his seat as Alex's head pressed against his arm.

"Shut up, I just puked." Alex replied, keeping his eyes closed. His headache was slowly dimming as sleep was taking over him. He only had enough energy to banter for a moment or two.

"Yeah, so your breath stinks."

"Still better than your B.O."

"How dare you."

Alex was already asleep before he heard James' deep sigh.

* * *

Alex was pounding on John's bedroom door, his heart jackhammering in his chest with excitement. He wanted to just barge in, but the door was locked, which is weird, because John never locked his door, but Alex was too excited to think about things like that right now.

"Oh my god…" He heard a dark groan from inside the room. Alex's smile widened when the door swung open suddenly, a very pissed off John standing in the doorway. " _What_!?"

"I got something to show you!" Alex grinned, bouncing on his feet, "So I just woke up and I went to take a shower, and I was looking in the mirror and guess what!?"

John stared at him, blinking tired eyes. His mouth was a low line, unimpressed and tired. "Alex. It's five in the morning on a Sunday."

"I know but this is important!" Alex grinned, his voice loud and cheerful. "Guess what!?"

John ran a hand over his face, leaning heavily on the doorframe, "Alex, you aren't even a morning person. Have you made coffee yet? Can I have a cup, if this is going to take long?"  
"Jaaaaack!" Alex whined, tugging on his friend's jacket. Which, now that he looks at it, is very big and baggy and Alex had never seen it before. Alex looked down at the jacket and then at John's face, "Who's jacket is this?"  
John's cheeks darkened suddenly, his eyes widening as he mumbled, "Uh-"

Alex ducked under John's arm and stormed into the room. He skidded to a halt by John's bed, unsurprised to see a big man snoring softly under the covers. Alex turned to John and crossed his arms over his chest, sending him an expectant look.  
"Alex." John whispered, pointing to the door, "Don't wake him up! Come out here!"

Alex sighed loudly before John grabbed him and dragged him out of the room. John closed the door behind them, sheepishly turning to look at him. Alex crossed his arms, glaring up at the freckled boy.

"So, about that thing you wanted to show me?" John said, nervously scratching his neck.

Alex raised an eyebrow, his tone flat, "John. What is he doing back here?"

"We were just hanging out." John shifted on his feet anxiously.

"And have you asked him out yet?" Alex asked, already knowing the answer.

"...No…" John mumbled, unable to maintain eye contact.

Alex sighed, already shaking his head, "John, we talked about this. You know you don't like casual things. You either gotta ask him out or drop him."

"I know, I know." John ran his hands through his hair, "But he was upset and asked if he could come over and I just couldn't say no and then we were kissing and I realized that  _that's_  why he wanted to see me and I know it's gonna fuck me over, but I just  _need_  his attention, you know?"

Alex shook his head, putting a hand on John's shoulder, "Look, Herc seems like a great guy, but don't let yourself get hurt because of him. Have you guys gone on an  _actual_  date?"

John chewed his lip nervously and shook his head.

Alex shoved his hands in his pockets, "Yeah, see, that's gotta change if you want this to last."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." John said quietly, his arms wrapping around himself, "I just don't want to scare him away or anything. I don't even know if he likes me for more than just my body."

"You'll figure it out." Alex promised, offering a small smile, "And if he breaks your heart, I'll break his face."

That got John to laugh as he said, "Hon, you're so small, I'd like to see you try and hurt him."

Alex grinned too, willing to be the butt of the joke for his friend's happiness. John's smile faded a little as he put his hands on his hips and said, "So, uh, what was so important you had to wake me up at five in the morning and drag me out of bed, away from my gorgeous crush, who was happily spooning me?"

Alex jumped in surprise as he remembered, his eyes widening and his hands waving in the air. "Oh! Oh my god, John, look! Look at my face!" Alex pointed at himself, his wide smile infectious as John stared at him.  
"What am I looking at?" John giggled, "It's just your face."

"Look here, look here!" Alex said, pointing to his chin. John squinted at him and then let out a little gasp. Alex nodded enthusiastically, squealing, "Yeah! Yeah! I got my first facial hair!"

John pulled him into a tight hug, hooting in delight, "Oh my god! Alex! That's amazing!"

"The T's kickin' in!" Alex laughed, "It's only takin' half a year, but damn! Lookit!"

John snickered, tilting Alex's head this way and that with a hand on his chin, "Now we just need to get you a proper binder and you'll be all set!"

Alex nodded, his cheeks hurting from smiling so much. He ran his fingers over his chin. He could just barely feel the startings of hairs growing in. It'd still take forever to have a full beard, but now, the possibility was real. Alex sighed happily, leaning into John's embrace, "This is the best thing to ever happen to me."

"So far." John said, "It only gets better from here."

Alex hummed, "True."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	8. That's Plenty - Scratch That!

It was an unanimous agreement that they weren't going to try and go back into Schenectady. For one thing, they've been driving too long and would've had to turn around to go back into it. For another, it left a bad taste in Alex's mouth, for more reasons than one. So they drove silently along until they came across the next city. Amsterdam, which is considerably smaller than Schenectady. Good. Smaller meant safer.

Alex didn't get to sleep long, being woken up after only twenty-five minutes or so. But that was fine, he's survived on little sleep before. And he was one of the strong teammates now. He could pull his own weight when needed, and sleeping wasn't how he was going to do that.

They're on Interstate 90, driving parallel to the Mohawk, when they stop just outside of a Dunkin Donuts and a Valero Fuel. James doesn't yet turn off the engine until they're sure that no zombie cops are going to come bursting out of the donut shop. Finally, he cuts the engine and begins speaking. "I don't think there'll be anything useful in the donut shop. So just watch my back from here while I see if there's any gas in any of the tanks."

He leaves with Alex's ax before either of them could comment. Alex watches the man as he brisky stalks across the parking lot. This parking lot is different than the others they've been to. Instead of cars smashed into too little of a space, all trying to get gas to get far away from the chaos and destruction - there's nothing. Not a single car in sight. Everyone from here must've skipped town early or something. The silence and emptiness is just as haunting as the mechanical graveyard they usually see.

"Have you and James fucked?" Jefferson asked suddenly.

Alex's head whipped around so fast that his world spun a bit. He was still lightheaded from puking on an hour before. After he regained his focus, Alex frowned, "Uh. No." Jefferson only seemed more confused by that. But he didn't say anything. Alex felt the need to fill the silence. "He's ace."

"I know that." Jefferson snapped. His eyes darted back and forth as he stared at a crack in the windshield. "You two just seem weirdly close for him to have never mentioned you to me before all of this. I'm tryna figure out why that is."

Alex shrugged, trying to keep a nonchalant expression, "He doesn't have to tell you about everyone in his life."

"But he does. We do." Jefferson glances over at James, who was examining the gas pumps. His voice was somewhat morose as he mumbled, "We tell each other everything."

Alex blinked rapidly, he opened his mouth and then closed it again. How do you reply to something like this? He settled on awkwardly saying, "We're ... just coworkers. I'm going to steal him from you or anything."

Jefferson's sharp gaze shifted to glare at him. He was silent for a moment, observing him. His voice was hard when he said, "I'm not worried. He knows a downgrade when he sees one."

Anger spikes within Alex's chest. He thinks about spouting out lies just to make Jefferson mad. He's already imagining waxing poetic about how he seduced the stony and reserved James Madison Jr. How he convinced James to trust him more than he trusts his best friend. How they've snuck around behind their wives backs in the name of love. How Jefferson will never have that.

Alexander is a lot of things, but he's not a liar. And, even when pretending, he'd never cheat on his wife. So, instead, he just rolls his eyes and grumbles, "You can't downgrade from rock bottom."

Jefferson scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Like you're one to judge my character."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Nothing. I'm just saying that you barely even know me, and I you, and honestly, from what I've seen so far, I'm not impressed." Jefferson said with his nose in the air, looking down at Alexander.

"I'm not here to  _impress_  you." Alex growled. "And you're not hot shit either, tall ass."

"Midget." Jefferson replied.

"You can't say that; that's offensive to little people."

"Why should I care? They're all dead or zombies."

"That doesn't invalidate their existence!"

"Yeah, it kinda does."

"I cannot believe you-"

Jefferson raised his voice over Alexanders', "Why would I bother avoiding stepping on toes of people that can't hear me and can't do anything about it? I've got more important things to worry about, Hamilton."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" Alex challenged, "Washing your hair?"

Jefferson looked at him like he was insane, "No, dumbass! Like staying alive! You know, that thing normal people do when the world is ending!"

"Oh right, and going to  _Canada_." Alex rolled his eyes, "That stupid plan."  
"At least I  _have_  a plan!"

"Plans are pointless!" Alex said, throwing his hands in the air. His fingers hit the roof of the truck, but he barely noticed, "Sure, before all of this happened, plans are a perfectly valid way to go about your life. I was a fan of plans. But now!? Plans are a waste of time! What can you plan for? We can't find a cure, we can't kill all the zombies! There's no good way out of this, so you shouldn't even try!"

"Then why are you here!?" Jefferson shouted over him, "Why follow James n' I around if you don't even believe we can survive this?"

Alex faltered, surprised. He hesitated, all the fight washing out of him. He grew so tired suddenly, and he wasn't sure if it was another side effect from his withdrawal, or if Jefferson just did this to him; but a deep insecurity washed through his chest. He glanced down at his hands that pressed firmly against his thighs. The words fell past his lips without his full consent, and he regretted saying them immediately. "I don't want to be alone."

Jefferson blinked in surprise, the tension in his shoulders loosening as he realized the fight was more or less over. He didn't know what to say in response to that, so he just stared at Alex with wide eyes.

Alex swallowed and continued, saying, "I got used to having people around me. And … and I don't want to go back to being alone."

When he was a child in the caribbean, loneliness was his only friend. It followed him around, haunted him, kept him company even when he didn't want it to. He had no family, no friends, and so he grew accustomed to a silent home, and empty social life. But then he moved to America and when to college and collected friends like they were on sale. He doesn't have them anymore. If he didn't have James, he didn't know what he'd do.

"I don't like being alone." Alex repeated quietly, his fingers trembling slightly.

Jefferson's hand landed gently on his own, his warm fingers stilling Alex's. The immigrant looked up into Jefferson's eyes; wide and understanding. His lips were parted, just slightly, as he gathered his thoughts. Alex found himself unintentionally holding his breath, waiting for the other man's response. He didn't mean to say as much as he did. He didn't want Jefferson's pitty; didn't need it.

Jefferson started to speak, his voice soft, "I-"

But the door behind Alex opened suddenly and all thoughts vanished. Alex grabbed the gun that rested in Jefferson's lap as he twisted around; ready to kick a zombie in the face. Instead, a very pissed off Virginian stood there, a bloody axe in his hands.

"What the fuck, guys!?" James growled. "Why weren't you watching me?!"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, relaxing a bit. His back was pressed against Jefferson's chest, and it felt a bit too good for him to focus on anything other than that. "What happened?"

Jefferson's voice was in his ear as he said, "Are you hurt?!"

James dropped the axe on the ground by Alex's feet as he climbed into the truck. "No. No thanks to you two. But look at those, right there, will you?"

He gestured to the gruesome bodies of slashed zombies that laid on the concrete, bloody and broken. Alex scowled and looked away.

"Those attacked me while I was filling up our tank, and neither of you bothered to shoot them because you were too busy being self-righteous dickholes!" James growled, absolutely furious.

Jefferson reached around Alex to brush his fingers across James' arm, "JemmyJames, I am so sorry-"  
"Don't touch me." James grumbled, yanking his arm away. "You had one job. And there were two of you to do it. How the fuck am I supposed to - what if I got bit? Would y'all even stop arguing to notice?"

"James-" Jefferson tried again, his voice fragile.

"No. Shut up." James huffed, running his hands down his face. "Let's just get some supplies and shit so we can get back on the road."

Alex shifted awkwardly as James started the engine and slammed on the gas. The truck whipped forward, driving over the bodies of the zombies like they were squishy speed bumps with gross  _thunk thunk'_ s. Alex spared a glance at Jefferson, who was now staring down at his lap, his hands running nervously up and down his thighs.

"Gonna have to fuckin' seperate you children." James grumbled to himself as he drove through the empty streets of Amsterdam.

They crossed over the Mohawk, thankful that the bridges were still intact. The truck was silent as they traveled quickly around abandoned cars and rotting bodies. Amsterdam is much like any other towns; many houses nestled together in neighborhoods. The further away you get from the river, the more spread out the buildings become. As they drive, they don't get too far into the town before Jefferson pipes up.

"Can we stop at the library?"

It such an odd request, for a moment, Alexander doesn't know how to respond. There's a split second where Alex imagines that the world hasn't ended. That this is just a weekend day trip, and they're doing errands like any normal group of people. He imagines picking out a colorful book with lots of pictures that he knows his little Angie would adore. He thinks of browsing through the poetry books, attempting to find one for Philip to memorize. He can just see himself finding a thick romance book that Eliza would pour over for days. It almost feels normal.

But that can't happen anymore. Because his family is dead.

Alex's attention snaps back to the present as James replies, "Why?"

Jefferson shifts in his seat, "With the world ending… we only have each other to learn from. Eventually, we'll run out of knowledge." Jefferson looks up to stare at Alex and James. "You can't deny me my knowledge, Jemmy. Please."

James stopped the car outside of the local library. He glanced between Jefferson and the building a few feet away. He sighed, but could nonetheless see the logic behind it. "Fine."

As they pulled up to the library and jumped out of the truck, Jefferson took the lead. He was talking even before Alex could get out of the car. A gun in his hands, watching for any signs of the undead. Alex scrambled after him with the axe, while James cursed and followed behind, empty handed and anxious.

"Get textbooks: medical, scientific, historical -" Jefferson as he kicked down the library door. He quickly shoots down a zombie librarian and then observes the rest of the open, dark space. It appears empty. Which makes sense; zombies don't know how to read.

"Do we really need history books?" James asked, stepping over a dead body.

"You're seriously asking the history professor that?" Alex replied.

"You can learn from history, James, otherwise you repeat it." Jefferson said without looking over at him. "Focus on botany, wilderness survival, and medicine. And, as much as it pains me, I don't want to see a single fiction novel. Clear?"

"Got it."

"Yeah."

While most books were still in the building; they were thrown around, missing from shelves. It took a long time for them to sift through all the different piles of books, lift up the fallen shelves, and skim through the pages.

Every once and a while, they'd call out a title, asking Jefferson if he thought it was relevant.

" _Understanding Psychology_?"

"No."

" _The Total Deer Hunter's Manual_?"

"Yes."

" _Botany in a Day: The Patterns Method of Plant Identification_ and  _A Field Guide to Edible Wild Plants of Eastern and Central North America_."

"Yes and yes."

" _Gray's Anatomy_?"

"The doctor or the tv show?"

"Uh… doctor?"

"Yes."

"What about  _World History_?"

"Was it make in Texas?"

"Uh-"

"If yes, then no."

"Oh, okay…"

They continued on this way until Jefferson was satisfied that they had enough resources, should they ever feel the need to research. They carried their armfuls of books out to the truck, where they dropped them into the back.

"It'd be nice if we had a cover." James commented as they stared at the books in the back of the truck. Jefferson nodded as Alex crossed his arms. "First rain and these books are destroyed."

Alex made a humming noise of agreement. He looked over at the empty cars on the street. "We might be able to find one. Just gotta remove it from one truck and put it on this one."

"If we find one of those tall ones, then we'll have even more room to pile supplies." Jefferson added.

James nodded, "It can't be that hard to find one. There's plenty of trucks in a city."

With this in mind, they climbed into the truck and started driving down the road again. The tension from earlier dissipated now that they were focused getting more supplies. They agreed to not enter any of the houses, since there was no guarantee that they'd find anything useful in them. Most people would grab all the important shit from their homes when evacuating. And, a house doesn't have a camping aisle.

Strangely enough, they have to drive far into the city, past endless rows of houses, before they approach any kind of useful store. But once they found one, the others were bundled up nearby. A Target and Kohl's sat on one side of the street; while a Walmart, Home Depot, and Lowes stare back.

"Decisions, decisions." Alex muttered to himself, looking back and forth between the shopping centers.

"I say we go to all of 'em." Jefferson said, tapping his fingers on the dashboard.

James shook his head, "Too risky."

"I'm a gamblin' man." Jefferson replied.

"Yeah. I know." James shot him a sharp glare, which made Jefferson flinch.

Alex piped up, "I agree with Jefferson. We could miss something important if we only go to one place. We go to Walmart and Target for food and water; Kohl's for clothes; and Home Depot and Lowes for tools and weapons and stuff."

James scowled, "Do we really need clothes?"

"I need pants and socks." Jefferson said, clearly trying to be casual and failing, "New shoes would be nice."  
"And it's going to get cold soon, too. We'll need coats and jackets and blankets and stuff." Alex said, "It's almost fall."

James chews on his lip, but nods. "Fine. But we stay together - in hitting distance."

"Hitting distance?" Alex asked, turning to Jefferson.

Jefferson explains, "If he can't smack you for doing something stupid, you're too far away." Then he asked James, "Who's on first?"

"What's on second." James replied as he drove the truck further down the road, "We'll start at Lowes and work our way back. Lowes, then Depot, then Walmart, Kohl's, and Target's last."

And they did just that.

Strangely enough, it was hard to decide what was and wasn't necessary while they wandered through the dark, empty Lowes. They only had limited space in their truck, and they can't waste it with things that won't help them in the end.

"Anything that requires electricity is useless." James commented as they walked past microwaves. "But do get batteries, just in case."

"We need some fucking flashlights, is what we need." Jefferson said as he squinted in the darkness. "We can't keep stumbling around these buildings without light."

Alex suggested, "We could always just burn something."

"What, like a torch?" Jefferson asked.

"It's an idea." Alex shrugged.

James shook his head, "Yeah, until one of you burns your hands off. No, we'll find those hand-crank flashlights."

Alex stuck out his tongue at the back of James' head, and Jefferson had to bit his cheek to hold back a snort. They decided to start with flashlights, sure that they'd make the rest of their shopping trip easier.

The flashlights were all in one asile, gathered together in rows. Many of them were far too intense for their purposes, large lights that were meant for working on construction at night. A lot of them looked like the kind of baton flashlights that cops carry. All of them took batteries except for one kind.  
"It says you have to crank it for a minute for half an hour of light." James said, holding the box up to his face as he attempted to read it.

Jefferson shrugged, "That's not too bad."

James ripped open the box and fiddled with the flashlight blindly until he found the crank. The little  _whrrr_  of the flashlight as it built up power with each of James' turns was like music to Alex's ears. Not long after, the little bulb inside the flashlight came to life with luminous electricity. The boys all gasped and grinned at each other, feeling much like cavemen who have discovered fire for the first time. James shone the flashlight around the area, taking in the sights of the wreckage and mess. There were still a lot of supplies on the shelves, but it looked like a bunch of bulls ran through the place.

"Oh, this is much better." James said happily, a smile on his face. "We should take all of these, there looks to be six or seven of 'em."

"Do we want regular flashlights too? Ones that take batteries?" Jefferson asked as he picked up one of the normal flashlights, reading it's label. Before James could reply, Alex spoke up.

"Hey, let's get a few of these." Alex said as he held up some lantern flashlights. He read from the back of the box, "Works for 50 hours at a time? Impact and weather resistant… They take batteries, not included."

"Alright, but then we'd have to get batteries as well." Jefferson said as he casually shot something that moved a few feet away from them. In the darkness, it could've been anything. But it's best to keep anything far away from them. Jefferson nodded to the cart that was toppled over in the aisle, "Steal that, you're now on cart duty."

Alex grumbled to himself, but agreed. He righted the shopping cart and dropped five lanterns into them. James and Jefferson added more crank flashlights and two battery-powered ones. From there, the next logical place to go was the battery asile, where they grabbed everything their grubby little hands could reach.

As they worked their way through Lowes and Home Depot, they found a few more supplies. They gathered; two tool boxes, a saw, four fire starting kits, various kinds of knives, and a few flasks and thermoses. Both stores were wiped clean of most camping supplies, including tents, sleeping bags, and grilling sets. One step forward, two steps back.  
"It's alright, we'll just sleep in the truck." James said, although he didn't sound so fond of the idea. Three grown men in one small, cramped space didn't sound ideal to Alex, either. But they didn't have a lot of options otherwise.

They moved on.

Walmart was, unsurprisingly, destroyed. There was next to nothing on any of the shelves, the only food left was already close to rotting, and there wasn't a single water bottle in sight. Alex sighed as he stepped in a puddle of sticky, white liquid. "Anyone want melted ice cream?"

Jefferson cussed as he found one can of beans on the floor. "This sucks."

"Yeah, no shit." Alex grumbled in reply. Just as the words left his lips, he was hit with a dizzy spell. His body swayed and he stumbled in an attempt to right himself. Jefferson was by him in a second, holding him up with an arm wrapped around his waist. Alex let out a little groan as his vision blurred.

Footsteps followed by James' voice cut through the fog in his mind, "Alex! Are you okay? What happened?"

"Fiiine." Alex slurred, leaning heavily on Jefferson. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. "Just- withdrawal."

"Right." James replied a second later.

Alex could feel the vibrations of Jefferson's voice through his chest as he spoke, "Being dehydrated and hungry probably isn't helping any either. We need to find something to eat."

"I know, I know." James sighed.

Alex opened his eyes to see James rubbing his forehead, face pinched in concentration. Alex took a deep breath and stood up straight on his own feet, leaving the warmth of Jefferson's embrace. He was fine. He could do this. This wasn't a big deal.

Jefferson's concerned expression was on him once more as he asked, "Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?"

"I'm fine." Alex snapped. He pushed past the other two, anxiously tossing his axe between his hands. "Lets just find some food. There's gotta be  _something_  left here."

What they ended up with was a box of Cheerios. They passed it between themselves as they ate handfuls at a time. The stale, dry cereal left much room for improvement, but it was food, and they were in no position to complain.

They were able to find a few more cans of beans, peas, and soup. As a group, they agreed they wouldn't open them until they decided they absolutely had to. With that, they carried on to the next place.

Alex didn't go to Kohl's often. Sometimes, he would go with his lovely Eliza, but other than that, the place was foreign to him.

"We should get backpacks." James commented as they made sure the area was secure. "In case someone steals our shit again, we'll have at least  _some_  supplies with us."

"Good point." Jefferson hummed in agreement. "So, clothes, coats, blankets, backpacks, anything else?"

"Pots and pans." Alex said, "To cook with."

James nodded, "Yeah, and silverware, too."

"If we can't find those here, then we still have Target left." Jefferson added as they started to walk through the clothing store. Jefferson, the only one with a gun, shot a few times, but didn't otherwise make it seem like they were in trouble. Alex watched as a zombie flopped over, dead, after Jefferson shot with perfect aim. It was kind of terrifying how quickly he got used to seeing something like that. This was his life now, wasn't it?

James had a cart, and was shining his flashlight around. "Let's get blankets first. There's a bedding section, yeah?"

"This way." Alex nodded, and led the way deep into the store. Jefferson let out a soft groan at the sight of the display beds, some perfectly untouched.

"What I wouldn't give to sleep in one of these." He grumbled, running his hand up and down the mattress. "I miss my bed."

They worked quickly, finding the thickest blankets and stripping them from the beds. James threw pillows in their cart as Alex found the fleece blanket sets and Jefferson rolled the blankets up into a big ball on the floor.

After shoving everything into the cart, they realized they were going to need a second, or possibly third, cart to carry everything. They may have grabbed Way Too Many blankets and pillows, but they'd rather be safe than sorry and comfy than sore.

James was still pushing the bedding cart while Alex found a new, empty one and they went to the mens clothing. Jefferson immediately found the pants and started picking a few pairs out. Alex sought out the shirts, while James went to the coats and jackets. They all returned a few minutes later, throwing everything into the new cart.

"Can we look at the shoes?" Alex asked as Jefferson said, "I need new shoes, Jemmy."

James almost smiled as he said, "Alright, to the shoes."

Throughout everything, Alex had been wearing the same fancy business shoes that he was wearing at work that fateful day. His feet have been killing him, since the shoes weren't meant for more than just style.

Jefferson noticed and gave him an impressed look, "I totally forgot you were wearing those."

"You never had any spare shoes." Alex shrugged. "I didn't see the point in complaining."

"That's a first." James muttered.

"Hey!"

They each found tennis shoes that fit them, and an extra pair. Alex happily chucked his fancy dress shoes as far across the store as he could, satisfied with the  _thump_  sounds they made as they hit the floor. His feet instantly felt better in the new shoes and he wasn't worried about having to run much anymore. Well, he still had his binder, which would make breathing hard, but that was just the cards he had in his hand. He'd have to learn how to deal them.

Or…

Alex turned to James and whispered, "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" James replied, just as quiet. He glanced at Jefferson, who had his back to them and was fiddling with the shoes some more. "Hitting distance, there could still be some zombies in here and-"

"I'm going to the women's section." Alex interrupted, his eyes staring into James', silently begging him to not question him.

James looked like he was about to say something, but then realization crossed his face and he silently nodded. "Be careful."

Alex slipped away without another word. He disappeared between the aisles, his axe in hand. He made sure to be on his toes, in case a zombie (or an obnoxious southerner) was lurking. Even in the darkness, it didn't take him long to find the bra section.

He almost sighed in relief when he saw that they were practically untouched. He quickly finds the ones in his size. For a second, he holds one up to his chest, only to remember that he currently has none and the action was pointless. He glances over his shoulder and debates taking off his binder to try a size on - bras can be finicky with their sizes depending on their brands - but decides against it. It'd take too much time and there's too big of a risk that he'd be interrupted. He does, however, sprint over to the bedding section again, grab a king's size sheet and rush back to the bra section. He spreads the sheet out on the floor and throw several bras down on it. He then turns around and finds the sports bras, which are  _far more important_  than normal ones. Alex finds the ones in his size and then grabs an armful of them, throwing them onto his bedsheet as well. He takes a second to look at his stash. There's probably twelve bras total. It's probably the best he's going to get. Getting them doesn't seem to be the hard part. The hard part is going to be sneaking them past Jefferson.

Alex rolls up the bed sheet, wrapping up the bras into a big, squishy ball of boob-holding. He holds the ball under one arm, his axe with the other as he stands up.

"Hamilton!" He hears a shout from behind him. Alex sucks in a breath and speed walks away from bra section, guilt and shame clear on his face. He stumbles as he turns a corner and runs right into Jefferson. They both stumble, and are only able to stay up by catching each other. Jefferson's arm is wrapped around his waist, and Alex's hands are gripped Jefferson's shoulders. He dropped both his bundle and his axe in order to ensure that no one tripped, but that's not his main concern right now.

"Uh-" Alex said eloquently. How come Jefferson's body was always so warm? In the few times Alex found himself near the other man, he was always extraordinary hot. And his face wasn't bad either. Alex hated how attracted he was to the other man's body. Why did he have to have a gorgeous sex god on his apocalypse team? Too much eye candy will give him eye diabetes.

"What're you doing over here?" Jefferson asked, snapping Alex out of his thoughts.

"Just- I got another bedsheet." Alex found himself unable to look away from the other man.

Jefferson glances down at the bedsheet that thankfully stayed wrapped up, hiding the bras inside. "...We already got-"

James appears then, saving Alexander once again. He looked annoyed as he said, "Stop getting distracted, you two. Do we have everything?"

The two men released each other instantly, their arms crossing over their chests, their eyes not meeting. Alex didn't miss the way James raised his eyebrow at him as he spoke. Subtle, this man. Alex nodded, kneeling down to scoop up his bedsheet and axe.

"Good. Let's go." James said as they made their way back to their carts full of clothes. Alex and James were put on cart-pushing duty while Jefferson was guarding them, gun at the ready.

They dumped everything into the back of the truck and climbed in, moving to their last destination.

"Let's hope there's more food here than at Walmart." James said as he parked right outside the doors. Alex agreed; that one box of Cheerios didn't last them long at all. All they have left are those various canned foods that they don't want to open yet. Three grown men can't live off of a handful of canned foods.

They stalked through the Target quickly and silently. Jefferson shot a few zombies before they could get close to them. Alex was partially surprised that the noise didn't attract even more zombies nearby, but then he remembered that, being inside a building, the numbers were a bit limited. Alex wasn't going to try and jinx them by pointing out their fairly good luck.

As they passed by one of the small clothing sections of the store, Jefferson nudged Alex and nodded at the row of summer dresses. "You should grab somethin' that'll show off your calves."

Alex rolled his eyes and said, "I'm not into drag."

Jefferson chuckled to himself and carried on, but Alex stayed put, catching James' eye. They stared at each other as Alex furiously mouthed, ' _What the fuck!?'_  and James shrugged. Alex took a step forward, watching the back of Jefferson's head. He said in the quietest voice he could muster while anxious and furious, "Does he know?!"

"No!" James replied, placing a hand on Alex's shoulder, "He's just joking. Relax!"

Alex did not relax.

For the rest of their Target adventure, Alex was tense. Even when they found an unopened container of pickles, more canned food, some bananas that were just the right shade of yellow, and a twelve pack of Gatorade.

"How come in movies, they always find grocery stores that are full of food? Where's my magic heaven Cosco?" Jefferson asked as he kicked a rotten orange. "How the fuck're we supposed to survive off a jar of pickles and some Gatorade?"

"We'll figure it out." James replied, sighing as he put his hands on his hips.

Jefferson slung his arm around James' shoulder as he spoke, "When we're in Canada, we'll grow our own food. Do what we do best an' farm. We won't have to scavenge like peasants."

"No. We'll just dig like peasants." James said dryly.

"Exactly!" Jefferson grinned. "That's the spirit!"

James rolled his eyes and stepped away, but there was a smile on his lips and laughter in his voice as he said, "Shut up and keep looking."

They continued on their way, moving throughout the various sections of the store. Alex paused to watch the fish still swimming in the fish tanks. Despite the filters no longer working, despite there not being a human to come by and feed them their fish food, despite zombies lurking outside their tanks, they still just kept swimming. These fish are better at survival than most humans. Alex smiled as he found some fish food and took the time to dump handfuls into all the unbroken tanks. They certainly won't continue living in these tanks forever. In a month or so, probably less, all these little ten cent fish will die. But for now, they bring a smile to Alex's face, so he's going to return the favor.

Not much longer later, Alex is looking at plastic plates and cups, something they'd yet to grab. He's drawn out of his thoughts by approaching footsteps. They sound too natural to be a zombie's - you start to learn the signs, the dragging, the stumbling, the groaning - so Alex doesn't bother looking up until someone talks.

"Hey, so I know this is plastic, and you said silicone, but is this kinda what we're looking for?" James asked, holding up a pink drinking cup for Alex.

Alexander glanced down at the cup and then back up at James, confused, "What?"

"For your, um, you know." James glanced away, shaking the cup a little bit. He cleared his throat awkwardly, "Is this right?"

Realizing what James was referring to, Alex looked back at the 8oz cup in his hand. He blinked repeatedly, his mind short-circuiting for a moment. James Madison was suggesting that he shove a drinking cup, bigger than his entire hand, up his vag. When Alex gained his voice, all the could come up with was, "How do you think vaginas work, exactly?"

James' flushed face gaspes uselessly for a second, unable to come up with an answer, until he calls out, "Thomas! Hitting distance!"

"I'm here, I'm here." Jefferson calls back, appearing next to them a second later.

Alex had entirely forgotten to grab pads or tampons, and he was going to make his escape to search for some, but he realized he didn't have to. Because as Jefferson appeared next to them, he had packages of Always pads and Tampax under his arm.

Alex couldn't help but stare, "Um."

Jefferson looked down at his supplies and his cheeks darkened. "Hear me out. Have you ever seen  _She's The Man_?"

Alex's heart stopped in his chest as he looked to James, terrified. "Can't say I have."

While James didn't look worried, he was certainly confused. Jefferson cleared his throat as he explained, "Well the basic plot is that a girl is pretending to be a boy. I forget why. I think she goes to an all boy's school? Anyway, she's got tampons right? And her friend - or maybe her roommate? - finds them, and confronts her, thinking she's a he. And she explains that she uses them for nosebleeds. And…" Jefferson trails off then, taking in Alex's horrified expression. He shifts on his feet as he tries to figure out how to best explain himself. He glances at James, who has a pinched expression on his face. Is trying to not laugh? "Look, I know it's super gross and nasty and stuff, but these things are, obviously, really good at soaking up blood. And if we get shot or hurt or something, we'll need some way to stop all the blood. Did you know that pads were used in World War I to stop bullet wounds?"

Alex is unable to speak. Which in an of itself is a feat. He looks to James, his hands shaking as he signs a confused, ' _Is he serious?'_.

James only laughed and said, "Unfortunately, yes." Then he addressed Jefferson and said, "Excellent idea, Thomas. You get to carry them."

Jefferson made a face, but didn't protest. The rest of the Target trip passed in a blur to Alex. He became very self conscious of every little thing he did. Was this Jefferson's way of telling him he knows? Between the pads and the dress, did he figure it out somehow? Or is he just a movie buff with historical facts to back him up? What gave himself away? Was it his voice? It's deep, but not  _super_  deep. Did he realize why Alex  _actually_  needs testosterone? Is it his hair? Is it the way he holds himself? What if Jefferson doesn't actually know and Alex confronts him, only to accidently out himself? How would Jefferson react then? What if-

"I think that's everything." James said as they shoved the last of the stuff into the back of the truck. "Now we just need a cover."

"That one has one." Jefferson said, pointing to a truck sitting in the parking lot. "Pray it fits."

It took the men twenty five minutes to figure out how to remove the top without breaking it in any way. It took another fifteen to move it from the first truck to their own, and then five more to make sure it was locked into place properly. The cover made sure everything would be protected from the weather, and provided an extra foot or two to shove shit on top of their previous shit. After the entire ordeal, the men were panting and exhausted. Alex had his arms over his head, trying to open his airways as best as possible. Jefferson was leaning heavily against the truck, gently swinging one of his legs back and forth in an attempt to stretch it. James wiped away the sweat from his forehead with his shirt.

"We should've just moved all of our shit from this truck to that one." Alex panted, "It would've been easier."

"Shut up the fuck up, Hamilton." Jefferson groaned.

Alex huffed in annoyance, "Not my fault your dumbass didn't think of that."

"Well if you're so smart, why didn't you think of it sooner?" Jefferson countered.

James interrupted them once more, speaking over them, "Both of you shut up and get in the truck. We've been here too long."

Reluctantly, both men climbed into the truck. They drove with the windows down in an attempt to ignore their nasty body odor. For a long while, the only sound was their own breathing and the wind. Alex glanced over his shoulder at all their new supplies thrown haphazardly into the protected back of their truck. Something akin to hope or maybe pride, but not as strong, swelled in his chest.

"Someone must be looking out for us. We got basically everything we need today." James said as they started driving out of Amsterdam and heading back towards the highway.

Jefferson nodded along, "Yeah, except for food and water."

"And more weapons." Alex added, turning back to look in front of them.

"Ammo would be nice." Jefferson agreed.

"I don't think we have hats or mittens." Alex commented.

"We could always use more gas."

"And medicine."

"Can't go wrong with a little alcohol."

"A compass, map, GPS-"

James growled as he said, "Okay, neither of you are allowed to talk for the rest of the drive."

Alex laughed and shared a grin with Jefferson. The other man's expression didn't escape him; how he smiled so happily only for it to be instantly dropped, removed, hidden away. Before Alex could analyze the flicker of emotions, Jefferson turned away and looked out the window. Happiness, warmth, a flame; doused so quickly, leaving nothing but wet coal and ash. Briefly, Alex wondered what could possibly be going through that man's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	9. I'm Watching It Burn

James' eye was twitching uncontrollably. He missed the bus. The bus was big. The bus had elbow room. The bus meant that he didn't have to listen to when Alex and Thomas got bored and started bitching at each other for no reason. He doesn't even know what they're fighting about. He doesn't even care. He just wants peace.

"Well, if you're done being wrong, I actually have a degree that proves that I know more about this than you do."

"HA! Like that shitty piece of paper means anything now. I got one, too, if you forgot, and-"

"Oh my  _god_ , will you two just shut up for  _five minutes_?!" James snapped. He rubbed at his temples and growled, "You're tired, thirsty, annoyed, and you hate each other,  _I get it_!"

"And hungry." Alex added, carefully holding a hand onto the wheel to keep them going straight as James seemed a little distracted.

"That goes without saying, Hamilton, we're all hungry." Jefferson snapped.

Alex rolled his eyes, "I just wanted to make sure the entirety of the situation was clear."

"It was plenty clear before you-"

"STOP!" James interrupted them, slamming his hands down on the wheel. The truck swerved a little, which only made Alex bump into Jefferson's side a bit too hard. They both winced. "Why do you feel the need to fight like cats and dogs?! You're actually really similar, you have a lot in common!"

Alex scoffed and crossed his arms, "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"I don't have anything in common with this simpleton." Jefferson said, putting his hands on his hips, which looked kinda funny since he's sitting down.

James stared at them, clearly seeing something they weren't. Finally, he sighed, looked back to the empty road, and said, "Okay, um, you have similar interests. History, politics..."

"Yeah, but we disagree on everything." Alex said, shooting Jefferson a glare.

James rubbed his temple with one hand, "Okay, what about… Musical theater? You both like broadway."

Alex wasn't expecting that. He glanced at Jefferson, slowly uncrossing his arms. The other man appeared just as surprised. Alex awkwardly cleared his throat and said, "Uh, what's your favorite musical?"

Jefferson hesitated, and then said, "Les Miserables."

Alex licked his lips and nodded. He shifted in his seat and mumbled, "That's a good one. Classic."

"Yeah. Um. What about you?" Jefferson asked, glancing to the side, out the window.

"I don't know. I like a lot… probably Falsettos? Or Wicked? Some of the new stuff was good, too." Alex scratched the back of his neck. "I liked that one with Ben Platt."

"Dear Evan Hansen?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. That was good, too."

There was a silence as Alex snuck a peek at Jefferson's face. The man was contemplative, frowning a bit, and not looking at him. He didn't know why he felt weirdly awkward all of a sudden. It should be nice, exciting even, to know that they had something in common. They had something that they could talk about and maybe agree on. But instead, Alex just felt nervous.

What if Jefferson didn't like the same musicals as him? Was he just a casual fan? Or did he get into musicals as intensely as Alex did? Would he understand if Alex confided in him about how much he related to certain characters? How much he adored specific songs and lyrics?

Alex shook his head, mentally chastising himself. Why should he care what Jefferson thought about his musical opinions? If they fought, they fought. That's what they  _do_.

"What is happening right now?" James asked, clearly feeling the strange tension in the air. He hadn't expected them to get all quiet and uncomfortable. Honestly, he was prepared to listen to them bicker about bootlegs or something.

Jefferson cleared his throat and the strange atmosphere dissipated as he said, "It's getting dark outside. You've been driving all day. Do you need a break?"

"Yeah, kinda. I got a headache right here." James admitted, gesturing to between his eyes.

Jefferson nodded and said, "Let Hamilton take over."

"Don't volunteer me." Alex rolled his eyes, "Why don't you do it?"

"Uh, I don't drive." Jefferson ran his hands down his thighs, a nervous habit, Alex realized.

"What? You always got chauffeurs to take you everywhere?" Alex scoffed. "I'm sure your nails won't break if you-"

"Hamilton, would you be willing to drive, please?" James asked, cutting him off. And while he was clearly trying to sound polite, there was an intensity to his tone.

Alex shook his head, annoyed, "No, I'm not going to! We've both driven this entire time, Lee too. I haven't seen Jefferson do anything but sit around and sleep."

"Excuse you?! I do a lot of the heavy lifting around here, who else is going to grab supplies and shoot zombies?" Jefferson snapped, "You? That'd be a pleasant surprise."

"I meant while we're in a car, dumbass." Alex hissed. "That was obvious, to anyone with common sense."

James slammed on the brakes so hard that Alex almost hit his head on the dashboard. Once he regained his breath - sharp gasps and a seatbelt smashed into the tummy didn't help the whole binder situation - Alex looked ahead of them to see if there was another pregnant couple that wanted to steal their truck or something. The road was empty, and Alex couldn't figure out why James would stop the truck for no reason. Until he looked at the man's face. James appeared to be just the  _teensiest_ bit upset.

"Fine! We'll just sleep here for tonight." James huffed.

Jefferson shook his head, saying, "James, no, we should keep moving-"

"Are you going to drive?" James interrupted him. Jefferson froze, his face going a bit pale. James clearly took that as a 'no', and looked to Alex, "Are you?"

Stubbornly, Alex shook his head. He wasn't going to let Jefferson get away with this laziness. It wasn't fair to the rest of the team.

"Then this is our camp for tonight." James almost growled. He opened the door and climbed out. Jefferson scrambled to follow, leaving Alex alone in the truck. He groaned and rubbed his eyes.

He almost had whiplash from how intensely things change for them. From arguing to weirdly kind of civil to fighting again in the span of five minutes. It had to be the frustrations of the situation, right? If they had some food, water, rest, and, oh yeah, no zombies chasing them down, things would be a lot less tense. He hopes.

Alex sighed and took a minute to observe their surroundings. They were on some highway, headed north, as usual. To their left was the beginnings of some small woods. Trees grew tall, perhaps as an attempt to absorb the CO2 from the cars that once ran up and down these roads. Or maybe they were here first, and humans tore them down, ripped them up, to plant their own cement seeds. To their right, just off the side of the road, was some farmland. Alex couldn't see where the farmer's house was. He thinks cabbages or maybe cucumbers were grown here. He can't tell for sure though from this distance. Jefferson would probably know. He supposes it doesn't matter, anyway. The frost was no doubt going to kill all the crops in just a few weeks. Alex wondered if he'd have the same fate.

Speaking of cold; the sun was working its way down the sky. It'd be night soon, and Alex knew that they'd have to make sleeping arrangements. He finally climbed out of the truck, joining James and Jefferson at the back. They had popped open the trunk and were shifting through the supplies.

"What's up?" Alex asked as he leaned against the side of the vehicle.

"We're trying to find one of the fire starting kits." James informed him. "It's going to be cold at night and we don't have enough room in the truck for everyone."

"Won't a fire attract zombies?" Alex asked, resting his head against the truck bed cover.

Jefferson replied by gesturing to their surroundings, "We're not exactly in the middle of Manhattan, I think we can risk it."

Alex obnoxiously mimicked him, scrunching up his face and saying in a high voice, "I think we can risk it."

Jefferson glared at him and opened his mouth to reply, but stopped when James cleared his throat and shot him a dirty look. The man sighed and finally pulled a plastic box out from the back of the truck.

"Found one."

James found a spot on the side of the road that he deemed good enough for a fire. It was a weird mix of dirt and broken cement that faded into grass, just big enough for a makeshift fireplace. Alex was concerned that the fire would spread onto the grass and create some huge forest fire in the field, but the other two assured him it'd be fine.

Alex watched as Jefferson hopped over the lane line and walked across the rest of the highway to the woods. He was on stick-finding duty. James, meanwhile, pried open the fire starting kit to see their supplies. It appeared as if the kits - or this brand of them - came with matches, a lighter, some kind of flammable oil, some metal nail file thingies, something that looked like lint, and something that looked like marshmallows. It was nice of them to provide for s'mores. Clearly, Alex knew what was going on.

James seemed about as lost as him, he picked up the lighter and matches, but then ignored the rest of the supplies. The two waited for Jefferson to return.

"What was up with that musical thing?" James asked after a moment of silence. "Y'all started acting weird."

"I dunno." Alex shrugged, he didn't honestly know the answer to that question. "It was just … unexpected? I didn't know what to talk about."

"Now  _that's_  unexpected." James said, looking out at the woods. They could see Jefferson bend down every once and awhile to pick something up. "I remember you'd come into the office and not stop talking about a new musical for  _weeks_. Thomas, too. It's one of the things that he's super passionate about. I'm surprised neither of you brought it up before this."

Alex kicked at the gravel a little. "It's just kinda weird to think that we're … similar. Like-minded. That's not normal."

"You've only known each other for, like, a month. Maybe less? I don't know anymore." James looked to Alex in question, who shrugged. "Either way. I don't think you've known each other long enough, or deeply enough, to figure out what's 'normal' yet."

Alex shrugged again, and then nodded, "I guess. I don't know. Maybe we'll talk about it again later without all that … whatever that was."

"Thomas is a pretty awkward individual. I kind of expected something like this happening sooner or later. I just didn't think you'd be equally awkward." James said with a smile.

"HEY!" Alex huffed, crossing his arms.

James chuckled and tapped his own forehead, "Shh, headache, remember?"

"Uh-huh. Sure."

Alex waited until Jefferson walked back to the median before he started to help. They handed off the wood and Alex hauled it over to James as Jefferson climbed back over the little cement wall.

"Tom, how do you make a fire?" James asked, a little sheepishly.

"You forgot?" Jefferson replied, clearly teasing. The man ruffled James' hair and took the lighter from him. He squatted down and observed the fire kit.

James shrugged and sat down on the side of the road, "It's been years since we last went camping. You can't blame me."

"And yet, I still do." Jefferson said, picking up one of the marshmallow looking things.

"Shut up." James laughed.

Alex watched as Jefferson set the marshmallow back down and picked up the lint. He was working quickly, putting the lint on the ground in a circle. He ripped some grass up from beside them and added that in with it. Alex sat down on the other side of him and glanced from James to Jefferson. Neither of them were speaking as Jefferson worked, and James didn't seem to be lost in the slightest. Alex was.

He spoke up, knowing that he'd have to learn how to do this, "What're you doing?"

"Building a fire." Jefferson replied without looking up.

"Yes, but how?"

Jefferson glanced at him, pausing in his movements.

Alex clarified, "Why're you doing that? Instead of just using the lighter to lite these branches?"

Jefferson pursed his lips and said after a second, "Well, the branches might not catch, if it's just a little ol' lighter trying to lite it. And, if we want to actually have a safe and contained fire, then it needs to be in a little fire place."

"And you're making one?" Alex looked down at the little circle in the dirt. The grass and the lint didn't look much like a fireplace to him.

"Yeah. Gimme a second, and you'll see." Jefferson said, as he started picking up tiny twigs from his wood pile. "This is the smallest part of the fire. You gotta build it first if you want any wood to catch."

Alex watched as he added little twigs in the center in a criss cross motion. A marshmallow was put in the center. Then, Jefferson grabbed small sticks and started building a tiny teepee with them. Alex watched as a little tiny home was built for the marshmallow, with a cozy grass, lint, and twig bed; and windows on all sides. It was lovely, really.

"What's that?" Alex pointed to the marshmallow.

Jefferson spoke as he worked on the teepee. "That's a fuel tab. I forget what it's made of. Chemicals, probably. But it's just a really flammable cube."

That still sounds like a marshmallow to Alex.

The home is complete. Jefferson gestured to his little teepee and said, "Now, we can light it. Then we can build an even bigger base around it."

Jefferson took the lighter back from James and carefully flicked it on. Alex frowned a little as the marshmallow burst into flames. The bed caught quickly after, burning the marshmallow's little tooshie. The fire spread; the walls caught next, the escape route was blocked by smoke. There was no way out. Disaster for the little marshmallow. Rip in peace.

"...ut I like the box method." Jefferson was saying. Alex snapped back to the present, forcing himself to pay attention to Jefferson's lesson. The man was carefully building walls around the teepee with sticks and branches. Once a square was successfully built, Jefferson started making a roof on top with more wood.

A cube of flames was formed.

Alex had to admit, he was pretty impressed. The fire was incredibly hot - duh - but it didn't seem super dangerous, since it was contained in the little box Jefferson made. He wasn't sure if he could make a fire like this on his own. His fire would probably die after a few minutes, and would be incredibly unsafe. His gaze turned away from the fire and to the man in question, who was laughing at something James said. Alex wasn't exactly sure why he stared at the other man for so long, his mind simultaneously blank and racing. This arrogant southerner was full of surprises, wasn't he?

They had a quick discussion about their dinner plans.

"Do we have anything to eat?"

"We can heat up one of these cans of beans."

"Anything to drink?"

"Well, Gatorade, but we'd have to share one."

"We have enough for each of us to have one."

"We have to ration it."

"But I'm so thirsty!"

"We're all thirsty."

"So we should all have our own!"

"No, Hamilton."

"Fine."

And then heated up and ate said dinner. Alex was sitting across from the other two, with the fire between them. They had found random boxes and totes from their supplies for them to sit on. Alex watched as Jefferson rested his head on James' shoulder while they ate. Even when Jefferson sat up, the two were still sitting pretty close; shoulders brushing, knees bumping, on occasion, hands touching. Alex couldn't help but observe it. The physical closeness the two had was somewhat strange, but Alex found himself longing for it. Not with them, but for his wife. Eliza and he would no doubt be sitting in each other's laps, turning to whisper in each other's ears, cheeks brushing, hands resting on knees…

Alex bit the inside of his cheek and tried to push down the pain. His wife was gone. He was alone. That's all there was to it.

After a while, James stood up, announcing that they should figure out their sleeping plans. "I was thinking two of us could sleep in the truck, while the other keep guard. We could switch off every four hours or so."

"Who's on first?" Jefferson asked, stretching his hands over his head, letting out a soft groan.

James started his usual reply, "What's on-"

"Why do you guys always say that?" Alex interrupted.

The two men turned to look at him, a bit surprised. Jefferson spoke after a second, "Say what?"

Alex gestured to them, "You know. 'Who's on first?' and 'What's on second.' What is that?"

Jefferson stared at him for a moment, his eyes wide. Finally, he mumbled, "An inside joke."

James smiled and shook his head, "It's a comedy act. Abbott and Costello. Thomas and I had performed it together multiple times."

Alex sat up straight, interested. He smiled as he asked, "You guys do comedy?"

James chuckled and shook his head, "No, no. Not me, at least. See, Thomas," the man in question had his arms crossed and was looking down at his feet, "wanted to be an actor all growing up. And I was his only friend, so I was stuck reading lines for him and playing along. 'Who's on First' is the first skit we ever got down perfectly."

Alex chewed his lip, trying to hide back his excitement. He absolutely  _loved_  watching actors do their thing. And they all needed a good laugh lately. "Will - will you perform it for me?"

Jefferson shook his head, waving him off, "No, it's been way too long, I'm sure I don't even remember the lines."

"Oh." Alex pouted, trying to ignore the way his heart sunk a little in disappointment. He prodded the fire with a chard stick, resting his chin in his hand.

James sighed, a strange mixture of fondness and annoyance crossing his face. He looked around for a moment, before picking up a stick about the size of his arm. He held it loosely before swinging it twice in the air, like a bat.

"Now." He said, "The first thing you need to know is that baseball players have very strange nicknames."

Thomas tensed, turning to look at his friend, "Don't you do this to me."

James continued, completely unfazed by his friend. "So if you wanna be a part of the team, you gotta learn their names, see?"

"James Madison Jr." Thomas warned. Alex grinned, sitting up straight again, he watched with excited anticipation as James swung his bat-stick again.

"On the Saint Louis team we got -"

"Don't you dare."

"Who's on first, What's on second, and I Don't Know's on third and-"

Thomas stood up, placing his hands on his hips, "That's what I wanna find out, I wanna find out the names of the fellas on the Saint Louis team."

James grinned, knowing full-well that Thomas was in the zone. "I'm tellin' ya now. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third."

"You know the fellas names?"

"Yes."

"Then who's on first base?"

"Yes."

"I mean the fella's name on first base."

"Who."

"The fella playin' first base for Saint Louis."

"Who!"

"The guy on first base!"

"Who is on first!"

"What're'ya askin' me for?!"

They continued the bit, and Alex found himself cackling throughout it. His cheeks hurt from smiling wildly at Jefferson and James acting out such a bizarre conversation. For the first time in a little while, Alex felt completely at ease, just listening to the two men pretend to bicker. He leaned back, taking a moment to catch his breath. A wide smile spread across his face, and it was in that moment that Jefferson decided to look at him.

Alex watched as something strange happened. Just as their eyes locked, Jefferson's eyes widened slightly, his lips parted and his cheeks seemed dark in the low light. Maybe it was the fire projecting the best possible lighting on him, but Alex found himself mesmerized by the picture before him. His own smile fell into something softer, something he couldn't quite control.

James repeated his line after a moment of silence, and Jefferson quickly stuttered out his response. His face grew red as he forced himself to turn more towards James, tearing his gaze off of Alexander.

"And that's the joke." James said finally as he sat down on his spot around the fire.

Alex chewed his lip, wondering why Jefferson couldn't possibly look him in the eye after some silly baseball joke. He shook the strange feeling off and asked, "So, can I be a part of it?"

"What do you mean?" James asked, a bit surprised. "There's only two roles."

"No, I mean, you always ask 'who's on first'," Alex nodded to Jefferson, "You always reply with 'what's on second', but can I say the third base part?"

Jefferson scowled, shaking his head, "Absolutely not."

James laughed, nudging his friend gently, "Hey, come on. Let him be a part of the group. You don't own the skit."

Alex found himself staring into Jefferson's eyes once again, the fire dancing between them, enhancing the sparks in his eyes. Alex swallowed as a strange expression crossed Jefferson's face. He chewed on his lip before muttering a quiet, "Yeah. Fine."

Alex's face lit up into a bright grin, although he wasn't exactly sure why he was so happy about Jefferson's acceptance. "Awesome! So, what do I say? Who's the third basemen?"

"I Don't Know." Jefferson replied.

"How do you not know the name? You just did the entire skit about him." Alex asked, frowning.

"No, his name is-" Jefferson paused, looking up to see Alex grin at him. His tension washed away as he let out a soft chuckle. He shook his head, smiling. "Yeah, you got it."  
James watched them, a subtle smile spread across his lips. Finally, he stood up and brushed off his pants. "Well, if you don't mind, I was hoping to take first nap tonight. I was going to suggest Thomas stand watch first, me second, and Alex third, but I suppose it's up for discussion."

"No, I can do that." Jefferson waved him off, "Go get your beauty sleep."

James looked to Alex, who just nodded and shrugged. He didn't care when he was supposed to watch, his chances of getting any good sleep were pretty low anyway. James nodded and set his watch to go off when it was his turn to watch over the others.

"Hey." Jefferson grabbed James' hand before he could walk shuffle off to find a comfortable sleeping spot. James looked down at him, curious. Jefferson tapped his cheek, "Goodnight kiss?"

James scoffed and swatted at Jefferson's head playfully. Jefferson laughed and relented, allowing the other man to settle down a few feet away, inside the truck. Alex felt something twist in his chest at the exchange, but he wasn't really sure what it was. Maybe he was just tired and his body was trying to tell him to go to sleep. But he didn't really feel like sleeping right then. He had too much on his mind.

The two men sat in silence, staring into the fire and glancing around at the dark surroundings. For a while, no one spoke. Alex looked up to the sky, there wasn't a cloud in sight. The stars were a rare sight for this New Yorker, but with no lights, and therefore no light pollution, they were breathtaking. Alex looked back to Jefferson to inform him about the beauty above them, but the words died in his throat when he made eye contact with the other man. Jefferson was watching him watch the stars. Not for the first time, Alex wondered what he could be thinking about. Jefferson glanced away, shifting in his seat.

"So, uh," Alex broke the silence, feeling his cheeks heat up for some unknown reason. "You wanted to be an actor as a kid?"

Jefferson didn't reply. He picked up a stick and poked at the fire, his expression clearly guarded. Alex huffed in annoyance, but tried to stay civil. He tried a different tactic. Instead of interviewing Jefferson, he'd instead offer something up about himself. That's how conversations worked, right?

"I wanted to be an author when I was younger. I kind of am, but not in the way I expected." Alex said, looking down at the flames. The heat of them burned his eyes, but in a pleasant kind of way. He always liked camp fires. Eliza and him would build them when they went to visit her father's estate. They had a fire pit in the back, and the kids would always beg them to make s'mores. Eliza was usually in charge of making the fire, she was much better at this kind of thing than him. A sad smile spread across Alex's face at the memory. He sighed before he remembered what he was saying. "Uh - I wanted to write novels for a living. Instead I write speeches and legislation. In the end, I guess it's the same. Writing is writing no matter what medium."

It was quiet for a moment. Alex wasn't expected Jefferson to respond, and he was now lost in his own mind, thinking about his wife and kids and marshmallows and chocolate. When Jefferson spoke up, Alex's gaze snapped up to watch him.

"I had too many ambitions as a kid." Jefferson said quietly. "I wanted to be everything under the sun. Botanist, actor, musician, inventor, linguist, author, politician…"

"So what made you pick historian?" Alex asked, leaning forward.

Jefferson shrugged, "I don't know. I like history. In college, I was on track to be a politician, but I, uh, quit that."

"Why?" Alex rested his chin in his hand, curious.

Jefferson chewed his lower lip, unable to make eye contact. He took a deep breath and admitted softly, "I have horrible stage fright."

That wasn't the answer Alex was expecting. He raised an eyebrow and watched as Jefferson slowly revealed more and more about himself.

"I knew if I was a politician, I'd have to give speeches in front of crowds, on camera, and I just-" He swallowed hard. Alex watched as he licked his lips and shook his head, "I couldn't do it. So I just … changed my major."

"Is that why you didn't become an actor or musician, either?" Alex asked.

"Yeah." Jefferson admitted quietly. "Then it was between botanist, linguist, author, and historian. I was kind of all of them for a while. My family's got a farm, I work on it every once and awhile. But that wasn't  _mine_ , you know? I wanted to be my own man, not just another Jefferson. I had a big family. And my college ran out of languages for me to learn. I started to study them on my own, which is fine, but that doesn't get you a degree in it. I've written some things that've gotten published; essays and historical papers. I guess that means I'm an author. So I went the history route. Got my doctorate. Worked as a professor…"

Alex sat up straight, his eyebrows furrowing, "But, that involves talking in front of crowds. My history class was a huge lecture hall with, like, two hundred students."

Jefferson laughed a little. Well, it wasn't really a  _laugh_ , per say. It was something soft, quick, but light. The sound of it made Alex want to laugh, too. Jefferson smiles and glances over at the truck, parked beside them. "So. I was a bit of a bad boy."

"Oh?" Alex asked, already grinning.

"Yeah, a real rebel." Jefferson said, humor sparkling in his eyes. "Everytime I had a large lecture, I would, uh, take a hit before class."

"A hit…" Alex's eyes widened as he realized, "Oh my god! You're a pothead!"

Jefferson  _did_  laugh that time. He snorted and hid his face in his hands. He was grinning when he looked up and said, "It was all that helped! I tried to drink, but then I'd forget what the lecture was about. And I couldn't do it on my own! So I just, ya know."

Alex cackled, finding great joy in the idea of Jefferson smoking a quick one in the teacher's bathroom before he had to go and talk about history for an hour.

"Alright, it ain't that funny." Jefferson said, but he was still smiling.  
"Sorry, it's just…" Alex shook his head a little, "You don't seem like the shy type. This entire time you've been all" Alex waved his hand in the general direction of the other man, "macho and confident and proud and brave."

Jefferson looked away, the flames of the fire did something weird to his face then. Alex thought the shadows made it look like Jefferson was blushing. "I told ya I was an actor."

"No one can act that well, all the time." Alex said, shaking his head.

"It's not too hard." Jefferson said, "It's all smoke an' mirrors. It's kinda like lying. Lying isn't hard. Or keeping a secret. Have you ever had a big secret that you kept from people for a long time? And it just becomes natural to do what it takes to keep people from knowing?"

Alex's face was carefully blank, meticulously casual, as he said, "No, not really. But I think I get what you mean."

Jefferson shrugged and continued, "Yeah. So that's what it's like for me, I guess. I always put up this confident facade in front of my students and coworkers. No one knew I was terrified."

"I get that." Alex said quietly. Jefferson looked over at him, raising an eyebrow. Alex bit his lip and clarified, "For a long time, I wasn't really sure if I was even, you know,  _good_  at being a politician. I was just… loud. I mean, logically, I know I'm good. I went to school for this, I've been studying this my whole life, basically. But there's this voice in my head that's telling me that I'm not doing good enough. That I have to do better, be better, and no matter how hard I try, it's never satisfied."

"That's called anxiety, Hamilton." Jefferson said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's, uh, it's not a fun one."

"Yeah." Alex agreed quietly. "Well, I didn't want my coworkers to think I was doubtful or worried or anything. So I was the arrogant, annoying teacher's pet. I knew that people hated me, because of it. But it was the role I was given, you know? So, yeah. I kinda get what you're talking about. Only, I don't think I was near as good at hiding it as you."

Jefferson stared at him for a long moment. He didn't say anything, just watched him.

Alex offered him a closed-mouth smile, "I'm kind of a wreck."

That got Jefferson to snort. He grinned and said, "Yeah, I got that much."

"How dare."

"I'm just agreeing with you!"

"I didn't ask for your agreement!"  
"Well, ya got it anyway. Don't get used to it."

"Oh, fuck off."

They continued in this way, bantering back and forth, until James crawled out of the truck, ready for his turn to keep watch. He stared at both of them, smiling and joking, surprised. When he commented that Alex should've gone to bed a long time ago, the immigrant blushed and scrambled up.

"James's right. I should, uh, I'll just-" Alex almost tripped when he walked backwards to the truck. He caught himself, his face darkening even more. Jesus, what was wrong with him today? He muttered, "Wake me when it's my turn."

As he disappeared into the truck, he heard James comment to Jefferson, "What's goin' on with you two today? Anything I should know?"

He didn't hear Jefferson's reply, but he could hear James' laugh in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	10. Ev'rybody Sing!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (small tw for suicide: they find a body, no blood mentioned)

They drank their last gatorade. Alex knew he would be okay for another three days, at most. But the sight of the empty bottle sent a shiver down his spine. It was clear he wasn't the only one contemplating the situation. Jefferson glanced at every river or lake they passed, licking his lips wantingly. James stared at the sky and cursed the dry spell. Alex's throat grew cracked and aching the longer the days went on. He grew to hate the taste of his own spit, needing something  _more_  than it could provide.

Strangely enough, he found himself craving fruit above all else. Yes, a glass of ice cold water would be  _devine_ right now, but he was itching to get his fingers on some oranges, apples, watermelon, kiwi - sweet and tangy and juicy and fresh. He imagined sinking his teeth into some fruit, piercing the thin skin, and letting the sticky juices run down his chin as he chewed.

Eliza's favorite fruit was strawberries. She's always get excited when they were in season; happily putting two boxes of them in their shopping cart. Alex loves mangos. He always gets a bit messy when eating them, but that's because you're  _supposed_  to be messy afterwards. So is the way of the mango. Philip was a traditional apple lover. It didn't matter if it was tart or sweet, soft or crisp, he loved all apples. Little Angie, although, perhaps too young to have any real opinions about much of anything, adores grapes. Ever since she was little, she would squeal in excitement when she saw a grape nearby. Alex had to pay for a half-empty bag of grapes one too many times, the child wouldn't wait until they got home before she started munching.

For a moment, Alex's mind shifts from missing fruits to missing his family, and suddenly, the pain in his throat isn't that harsh anymore.

"JemmyJames, pull over." Jefferson said, breaking Alex out of his thoughts.

"Why." James didn't even really ask the question. It was just a word, spoken from exhausted lips.

"I'm gonna fuck that river." Jefferson was looking out the window, his face pressed up against the glass, at a raging river that ran near the road.

James let out a long sigh. "Thomas, no."

"We can boil the water, that makes it safe to drink, right?" Jefferson said, more to himself than to James. "Let it cool for a while, fuck, I'll even drink it boilin', I don't care…"

"How're you going to get water from that?" James asked, gesturing to the river with one hand, "That thing is pissing currents like a racehorse. There ain't no way you wouldn't slip and fall in and drown."

Alex closed his eyes and refused to look at said river. He couldn't hear it, over the rumble of the truck, but he  _felt_ it, deep in his bones. The rushing, swirling water clogging up his mouth and shooting up his nose, choking the life out of him. Suddenly, he wasn't very thirsty any more.

"I'll be careful, it's fine." Jefferson said, "Look, we're thirsty, we all need a drink, lemme get some water, boil it, and serve it right up for ya."

James snorted, "With your shitting balance and those steep slopes? I think the fuck not."

"Desperate times, Jemmy!"

"I ain't that desperate yet."

"Fine then. Hamilton, you're the tie breaker."

Jefferson jostled Alex, forcing him to open his eyes and look at the two men. Alex swallowed hard and said in the calmest voice he could manage, "We should keep going. Find another town, look in there for water. If we don't have anything, we can come back, or find a better river."

"A town is riskier than some dumb river." Jefferson said, "Town's got zombies."

"River's got rocks." James replied, a little smug. "We keep driving."

"Bullshit, none'a'ya'll want me to live anymore." Jefferson sighed dramatically. "You're planning my slow and painful death. I can tell. You've been whispering about it. Gonna eat me first, because I got the tastiest ass."

James didn't even look away from the road as he said, "Thomas, the very last thing I would think about is eating your ass."

"Well, now I'm insulted." Jefferson huffed, crossing his arms.

Alex laughed and kept his own comments about cannibalism, eating ass, and eating  _Jefferson's_  ass to himself.

* * *

Alex has no idea where they are. He stopped reading road signs a while ago. All he knows is that they're breaking into some lonely house on a hill; maybe a farmer's, maybe an introvert's, he doesn't care.

"Ew!" Jefferson said as he kicked down the door and looked inside.

"How bad is it?" James asked.

"About as bad as a rotten corpse could be after a month and a half." Jefferson replied.

Corpses. Great. Alex had considered himself pretty lucky in the not-having-to-look-at-dead-bodies category so far. Yeah, he'd seen zombies and dead zombies, but actual human corpses were a bit different. If he stopped to think about how zombies  _were_  human corpses that decided they had to take up a day job to feed their dead families,  _but still._

His point being, he hadn't seen a suicide case so far. And he didn't really want to, considering his own Tragic Backstory and mental instabilities. But he refused to be That Guy that didn't go into the creepy abandoned house because there was a decomposing dead body inside. He grimaced and stepped inside after Jefferson.

James gagged as he saw the corpse before them. Thankfully, there was no real blood. They decided to go the overdose route, if the many pill bottles on the couch next to them was any indication. That didn't make them any less enjoyable to look at, though.

Their cheeks had sunken in, skin pressed thin against cheekbones and teeth. Fluid that Alex really couldn't identify had long since dried around the corpse's mouth and nose. Their hair was dirty, brittle, and had fallen out completely in some spots. Alex could count the bones in their fingers clearly. Flies and bugs crawled around the body, biting off skin and digging deep into the megar amount of muscle left. The worst part was the smell. Alex put his hands over his nose and breathed through his mouth in an attempt to ignore the podent odor.

"Let's find some water and get the hell out." James said as he swatted at a fly.

They shifted through the house, fairly confident that there wouldn't be any zombies in there with them. James disappeared somewhere upstairs while Jefferson and Alex looked in the kitchen for anything to eat or drink.

"This bitch aint got nothing." Jefferson muttered as he picked up an expired can of tuna.

"I bet they waited until they ran out of food and then decided it wasn't worth the risk to go out and find more." Alex commented as he opened the fridge in hopes for water bottles. What he got instead was a rat, chewing away at some moldy bread.

Alex screamed and slammed the fridge shut. He gasped out a breath and glanced up at Jefferson, who saw the whole thing, and was trying not to laugh.

"Damn, Ham, your face is hilarious right now." He said, unable to keep the joy from his voice. He snorted and soon a laugh was falling from his lips.

"Fuck off." Alex growled, pushing him. Jefferson's laugh cut off as he stumbled backwards, his arms waving in the air as he tried to catch himself. Luckily, kinda, his back hit against the cupboard, and he didn't fall to the ground. But he will certainly have a bruise on his spine. Alex immediately felt guilty, "Shit, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to push you that hard, I-"

"I'm fine!" Jefferson snapped, his voice sharp and angry. He pushed himself off the cupboard slowly, wincing a little.

"Are you okay? Let me see your back-"

"Fuck no, now you sound like James. It's fine. I'm fine. Let's find some fucking water and go." Jefferson stomped off towards the bathroom. Alex watched him limp a little bit and can't help but feel remorseful. He really didn't think he pushed him that hard; he was surprised the man even felt it, let alone fell. Alex followed him into the bathroom and watched as he put his foot up against the piping of the sink. He kicked it a few times, but it barely budged.

"I'll find a wrench or something." Alex offered.

"You do that." Jefferson sneered.

Alex huffed, crossing his arms, "You don't have to be a dick. I apologized, I didn't meant to hurt you, so-"  
"I ain't hurt!" Jefferson replied, "A tiny ass bruise ain't gonna kill me."

"You were  _limping_!" Alex hissed.

Jefferson's eyes widened for half a second before he rolled his eyes and growled, "I  _do that_  sometimes. Fuck off, go find a hammer."

Alex huffed, but turned and made his way to the garage. It wasn't hard to find a tool box. The homeowner had a little work station in the far corner of the garage; behind a rusty car. Alex, being the official Petty Brat of the team, grabbed the entire twenty pound tool box and carried it back into the house. He dropped the entire thing in the doorway, causing a sound that was similar to that of thirty metal wrenches being thrown down the stairs at once. Alex smugly grinned when Jefferson yelped a little in surprise.

"What the fuck?" Jefferson hissed, glaring down at Alex and the mess he made on the floor. That glass tiling is absolutely broken, hope the corpse doesn't mind.

"Your tools, your royal dickishness." Alex said with a dramatic bow.

Jefferson glared at him and then sat down on the floor. One of his legs was crossed close to his body, while the other was spread out next to him. It left his body in a strange angle, especially in the small space of the bathroom, but Alex wasn't going to comment on it.

Alex leaned against the door frame and watched as Jefferson worked through multiple wrenches until he found one the right size. He slotted it in place against the nut on the pipes; twisting it to the left. Despite his efforts, it didn't budge. Jefferson huffed and shifted his body a bit so he had a better angle. He grabbed the wrench with both hands and tried again. Nothing.

Panting heavily, Jefferson dropped the wrench and picked up a hammer instead. Alex winced as Jefferson slammed the hammer against the side of the pipe, a loud  _thwing!_  noise ringing throughout the house. The pipe indented, but didn't break.

"What the fuck." Jefferson huffed. "Hold this."

The hammer was thrusted into Alex's hands as Jefferson moved forward, wrapping his hands around the dented pipe. Once he had a good grip, the man pulled with his entire body weight; throwing himself backwards.

The metal didn't budge.

"God  _damn it_!" Jefferson growled. "Gimme the fucking water! I know it's in there!"

"Want help?" Alex asked, watching with an unimpressed expression. He grew great satisfaction from the fact that Jefferson had to look up at him.

Jefferson hesitated, and then shifted on his spot on the floor. "Yeah, I guess, if we-"

"What the  _fuck_  is wrong with you two?!"

The boys turned to see James standing behind them, looking annoyed, as usual. "You're shaking the whole damn house. It's like as soon as I left y'all decided to make the loudest noises possible. Do you want to tell the zombies where we are?"

Alex winced. It's a good thing they're in the middle of nowhere. They  _had_  been pretty loud. He keeps forgetting that the world is different now. He can't put fighting and his pride above safety and caution. He shifted on his feet and apologized, "Sorry, James."

"What're y'all even doing?" James asked, his gaze pointedly dropping to Jefferson and the tool box on the floor.

"Trying to break these pipes, so we can get the water inside." Jefferson gestured to the sink before him.

There was a very long, distinct pause, where they stared at James and he stared right back at them. Alex shot Jefferson a curious glance as James let opened his mouth and then closed it again.

"That's- that's not how pipes work." James said, sounding a little bit astounded.

"What?" Alex asked.

"Why would the water always be in there? What if the pipe broke? Your bathroom would be flooded." James said, shaking his head, "The water's stored somewhere else, in a tank or whatever, and when you turn the sink on, some motor pushes the water where it needs to go. It- it's not always just sitting there."

Alex and Jefferson looked at each other, neither one aware of this famoninon. James groaned and hid his face in his hands, "How are you two the smartest men I know?"

"Maybe you should get smarter friends." Jefferson said with a shrug, clearly a little embarrassed.

"Options are kinda limited now." James replied as he stepped over Jefferson's legs to get to the toilet. He rested a hand on Jefferson's hair as he walked, which the other man happily leant up into. "There's no water in the pipes, but there should be water in this."

Alex watched as James lifted up the glass lid of the toilet tank. He looked inside and grinned, nodding. Setting the lid down on the floor, he gestured for them to come closer. Alex moved to step over Jefferson as he looked inside. All of these tanks contain a mechanism to flush the toilet, as well as some water. The water in this tank hadn't evaporated yet, but… it makes Alex's skin crawl.

"I don't want to drink from a toilet like a dog." Alex said, taking a small step back. His heel bumped Jefferson's leg, and he made sure to be careful not to step on the man. For some reason, he hadn't bothered to stand up yet.

"Yeah, I'm with Ham on this one." Jefferson said, leaning back a little so he could see around Alex. "I ain't that thirsty."

James rolled his eyes, "It's not from the toilet bowl, it's fine. No one's shit in this water, if that's what you're worried about."

"I'd literally rather die than drink that, James." Jefferson said without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice.

"Well, I've searched the entire house, and the only water in this place is going to be in the two toilet tanks. So, dying of dehydration might be your only option." James said crossing his arms.

Alex spoke up, raising his hands in a calming motion, "Okay, okay, idea. What if we take this nasty ass toilet water, keep it as emergency water, and … go find more water somewhere else."

"Where do you think this magical supply of water's gonna come from?" James asked, looking Alex up and down. "It doesn't exactly grow on trees. Every place we look is going to be the same. So we either find a river to take water from, or we go around stealing toilet water. Your choice."

Alex internally groaned but closed his eyes and said, "We'll ... find a river. Not the one we passed, it was too dangerous. A calmer one. Preferably a lake."

"Fine." James said.

"Fine." Alex repeated.

"Fine." Jefferson added, before holding his arms up to James, "Help me up."

They found reusable sports water bottles in one of the cabinets and carefully scooped the tank water into them, filling them up until both of the toilets in the house were empty. There was only two and a half bottles, at the end of it. But they took what they could get.

Climb back into the truck, buckle in, and hope for rain; their normal routine as of late.

* * *

It was some time after noon and many hours later, when James pointed to a lake off the side of the road.

"It doesn't look too bad. I bet we could park the truck right there." James said, gesturing to a fairly large grassy patch by the shore.

"This was probably a fishing spot." Jefferson commented idly. "You know. Before everything."

"Hey, that's a good idea." James said as they pulled off the road. The truck bounced and wobbled over rocks and uneven ground. Alex closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe in and out. "Do we have any fishing poles or anything?"

Alex heard the rest of their conversation, but only distantly.

"No, but we could use a blanket as an improvised net?"

"How long would it take to dry, though? I don't want a wet blanket in our supplies; it'd get everything moldy."  
"Well, we could just stay here for the night? Make a fire and use that to dry the blanket."

"Or we could have you hold onto the blanket out the window while we drive, flying down the road at top speed."

"I like my idea better."

James laughed and Alex felt the car stop completely. He opened his eyes to glance at James' face. He seemed weirdly sympathetic as he said, "I know, Thomas."

Alex glanced at Jefferson, but the man was smiling, except his lips were a bit pinched at the corners. Before he could comment on the odd behavior, the two were getting out of the truck and stretching. Alex's eyes skittered over the edge of the water and he squeezed his eyes shut one last time, before he shuffled out of the truck with a sigh.

"Let's get a fire going first, so that way we can boil the water." Jefferson said, "As the water's boiling, we'll see about that fishing thing."

James chuckled as he said, "And I assume you'll want us to bathe?"

Jefferson grinned and nodded, before he suddenly gasped and groaned, " _That's_  what I forgot! When we were stealing shit from those stores, I forgot shampoo, hand sanitizer, soap-"

"I think we'll be fine." James said, still smiling.

"What's soap made out of? Can we recreate it?" Jefferson was saying to himself, ignoring James. "What do vegans do? I know I watched a DIY video about it once…"

Alex smiled as he watched Jefferson pace a little. Not soon after, they got to work. Alex helped Jefferson make the fire, while James looked through the trunk for a pot or something to boil water in.

The next few things happened in a blurr. Alex didn't move from his spot by the fire as Jefferson went down to the water's edge and got a pot full of water. They had made a makeshift stand with sticks that held the pot over the fire. He watched as the still water heated, bubbles rising to the top until the pot looked more like a tiny hot tub. His gaze shifted past the pot to see James and Jefferson on water's edge. While James was knee-deep in the water, Jefferson, oddly, stayed on land, instructing the other man from afar.

"C'mon, JemmyJames!" Jefferson called, "Y'all ain't never gonna catch fish like that!"

"Oh, fuck off!" James said, before yelping and jumping. He turned to them and yelled, "Something just touched me!"

 _Please be careful_ , Alex wanted to call out. But his voice wouldn't rise. He just watched, a little relieved, as James regained his balance. It's okay. He's only knee-deep. He'll be fine. The water won't rise. It's fine.

"Yeah, that'd be called dinner." Jefferson drawled. "You shoulda grabbed it!"

Alex spoke up for the first time in a while, "If you're so smart, why don't you do it?"

Jefferson turned back to look at him. He glanced down, and then replied, "In that nasty muddy water? No thanks."

James sighed and started to wade back, "This isn't going to work. I'm not coordinated enough to catch a fish with a blanket."  
"You're also a sissy." Jefferson added.

James flicked water at him and shoved the wet blanket against Jefferson's chest. "I'll try again later. In the meantime, we can use one of our canned foods."

"Yay." Jefferson said sarcastically. "I love having a single bite for dinner."

"Don't complain."

They ended up spreading the blanket across the truck, hoping that the sun would dry a majority of it. Jefferson carefully removed the pot from the fire and set it aside for the water to cool. He and James inspected the water, deciding that it would probably be safe enough.

"There's still dirt in it." Jefferson grumbled quietly.

"Yes, but it's clean dirt." James replied. "The bacteria is all burned away."

Alex doesn't talk much even as they sip their lake water and share a can of beans. The sun has started to go down, creating the most beautiful reflections on the water's surface. The longer they sat next to the lake, the less Alex kept glancing over at it.

Eventually, James got up to get more wood for the fire, leaving Jefferson and Alex alone. Alex watched the fire until his eyes felt like they were going to fall out.

"You've been quiet." Jefferson commented suddenly. When Alex looked up at him, he found the other man watching him carefully.

Alex shrugged. "It happens."

Jefferson shifted awkwardly at the obvious dismissal. They were quiet once more.

It took Alex a moment to hear it. But after a little while, it was clear. There was music, a song, in the air. It took him another moment to realize that the song was coming from Jefferson. He was humming.

Alex watched as the man hummed quietly to himself, holding his cup of lake water in both hands and watching the small waves roll a few feet away. The sun was below the treeline, now, and the only light came from the fire next to them. Alex watched the shadows dance across the other man's face.

"That's 'Lovely Night' from  _La La Land_ , right?" Alex nudges him, gaining his attention. Jefferson startles, looking down at him for a moment. They stare in silence for a beat too long and Alex awkwardly clearifies, "The song you were humming."

Jefferson clears his throat and glances away, "Yeah. That's right."

"I only saw that movie once, I think. Eliza wanted to go see it in theaters, so I took her." Alex said, to fill the silence. He added after a second, "Eliza's my wife."

"My Martha and I loved that song. We'd sing duets all the time." Jefferson smiled softly, "One time she woke me up in the middle of the night just to sing it."

"I think I know the lyrics. Kinda a funny song to sing if you're already married and in love." Alex commented. "Isn't it, like, sarcastic or something?"

"She was a sarcastic woman." Jefferson shrugged, turning to watch Alex carefully. His voice was strange as he spoke, "I must have a type."

Alex wanted to ask what that meant, but his mouth surprised him. Instead of inquiring about the strange phrasing, Alex suggested, "Sing it for me?"

Jefferson's eyes widened at the request. Alex didn't know why he said that, but now that it was out in the open, he desperately wished Jefferson to go along with it. If his simple humming put Alex in a good mood, got him out of his nervous funk, what would the rest of his vocals do to him?

Alex watched in fascination as a dark blush covered Jefferson's cheeks, Alex mentally kicked himself when he remembered that Jefferson had stage fright. He must be nervous or embarrassed. If he didn't want to do a simple comedy skit, why would he fucking  _sing_  in front of Alex? Alex was quick to fix his mistake, "You don't have to, I just-"

"The sun is nearly gone," Jefferson interrupted him quietly, his voice deep and soothing. He glanced up at the darkening sky; the first stars appearing before them. Instantly, Alex felt his body relax at the sound of it. Alex stared up at the other man, catching Jefferson's gaze once more, neither one looking away as Jefferson softly sang. "The lights are turning on, a silver shine that stretches to the sea. We've stumbled on a view, that's tailor-made for two. What a shame those two are you and me."

Alex smiled a little when Jefferson gesture between them. He watched as Jefferson's eyes lit up and he got more into his song. Jefferson set his cup down and stood up, turned away from him. What a dramatic child. Alex couldn't help but smile as the man continued his next lyric.

"Some other boy and guy, would love this swirling sky." Jefferson's voice was so good; he had an amazing feel to his tone that made everything seem emotional and real without it being melodramatic. Alex stood up as well, without really knowing why he did so. Jefferson turned to look back at him, his expression falling a bit as he sang, "But there's only you, and I. And we've got, no shot."

He took a small step forward, reaching out for Alex only to pull his hand away right before they touched. Alex had to hold back a giggle. "This could never be. You're not the type for me-"

" _Really?_ " Alex crossed his arms, grinning.

"And there's not a spark inside." Jefferson shook his head, trying to hide his smile. He practically sighed out his last lyric, "What a waste of a lovely night."

Alex took a few steps forward, his hand brushing up Jefferson's arm as he sang, "You say there's nothing here? Well, let's make something clear," He leaned forward, tipping his chin up to smirk in Jefferson's face, "I think I'll be the one to make that call."

He's not the best singer, certainly not as good as Jefferson. And he's not a soprano or tenor, so he lowers the notes to match his range, ruining the beautifully composed harmony. He tries to not feel embarrassed at his lack of skill, instead forcing himself to enjoy the strangely pleasant moment he created.

"W-what's your call?" Jefferson asked as Alex stepped away again.

Alex turned to look at the road they had been driving on all day, his arms wrapping around himself, "And you know I looked so cute in my zombie bloodstained suit."

Alex  _thinks_  he heard Jefferson mutter something like, "That's true.", but he's sure he misheard. Or maybe Jefferson couldn't figure out another way to match the rhythm?

"You're right." Alex turned to look at Jefferson, rolling his eyes, "I'd never fall for you at all."  
Alex almost looked away from Jefferson purely because of how he was watching him. So intensely, his gaze taking in every second and committing it to memory. It was no wonder the man had stage fright. This was terrifying.

"And maybe this appeals, to someone wearing heels," Alex shrugged at his change in lyrics, making Jefferson snort. Alex huffed, knowing he couldn't let the other man get away with laughing at him. So he stepped up to him once more, still singing, "Or to anyone who feels," He presses himself close to Jefferson's body, one hand resting over his heart - does it always beat that fast? - and the other cupping the back of Jefferson's neck. He could feel the heat of Jefferson's breath on his lips as he sang quietly, "There's some chance, at romance..."

He let that lyric hang in the air for a moment, his eyes flicking up to meet Jefferson's wide, wild ones. Alex chewed his bottom lip, feeling a deep blush form on his cheeks. Acting. He reminded himself; they're just acting. Jefferson's an amazing actor, he would've gone far if he got over his stage fright issue. Alex almost believed the man was affected by his flirting.

Alex moved away then, completely missing the miniscule movement Jefferson made towards him; and the following disappointment flash across his face. Alex closed his eyes, shaking his hands like he touched something slimy. He opened them again and pulled an annoyed face, singing, "But. I'm frankly feeling nothing."  
Jefferson let out an awkward chuckle, scratching the back of his neck as he sang, "Is that so?"

"Or it could be less than nothing." Alex was grinning now, enjoying how fun it was to tease Jefferson. Why hadn't they sung like this before?

"Good to know." Jefferson put his hands in his pockets, appearing aloof and relaxed, "So you agree-"  
"That's right."

They sang the last lyric together, grinning like idiots and completely ruining the scene they'd created. "What a waste of a lovely night."

But Alex didn't want the moment to end, so he grabbed Jefferson's arm and pulled him closer, spinning them around in a dance.

"Wait, Ham, I can't-" Jefferson tried to warn him, but it was no use. Alex tripped over Jefferson's foot, which was in the wrong spot for their dance, and they tumbled to the ground. Jefferson let out a sharp grunt as Alex fell on his chest. Alex flinched at the impact, his hands tightening in Jefferson's shirt. When they settled in the dirt, Alex opened his eyes, looking down at Jefferson. The other man's hands were on his hips, holding him steady; his eyes were wide and his lips were parted.

Alex felt himself blush, unable to look away from the man sprawled under him. Jefferson didn't blink as he finished his sentence, "I can't dance."  
"Oops." Alex offered sheepishly. He licked his lips and saw as Jefferson's gaze darted down to watch the movement. He heard a breath hitch, but he doesn't know if it was his or Jefferson's. Everything seemed so intense and distant at the same time. If a zombie came up to them right now, they'd be  _fucked_. But Alex wasn't thinking about any of that. All he was thinking about was how hot his hips were from Jefferson's touch, and how strong his chest was under him, and the curious way they fell into each other's eyes.

"What kind of weird-ass flirting did I just witness?" A voice called from above them. Jefferson pulled Alex closer to his chest with one arm, as his other reached for the knife he kept in his pocket; while at the same time he twisted his body a bit so he was a barrier between the newcomer and Alex. It happened so fast, Alex practically blinked and missed it, because a second later Jefferson caught sight of the person and relaxed, releasing Alex entirely. Alex twisted around to see James staring at them, completely bewildered.

' _Honestly, same._ ' Alex thought. But then James' words caught up with him.

"We weren't flirting!" Jefferson said at the same time as Alex practically yelped, "Ew! Gross!"

James looked unimpressed, possibly because Alex was still sprawled on top of Jefferson, breathing hard and red-faced. He raised an eyebrow and said, "Uh-huh."

"We- we were just singing." Alex explained, unable to keep eye contact.

"No, I saw that part." James nodded, "A good majority of that part."

Alex's face only darkened further, because while they were singing, Alex kind of  _was_  flirting. That was his intention. In an acting kind of way. Because Jefferson was attractive, and he missed his wife, and flirting is fun, and acting is fun, and there's nothing wrong with that. He turned to look at Jefferson for some help, but the man had his hands covering his face, and wasn't moving. Alex poked him in the side, hoping he wasn't dead or something.

"Are you okay?" Alex asked.

"Fine." Jefferson said in a strained, clipped tone, "Migraine."

"Any way I can help?" Alex wondered if the man hit his head in the fall.

"Get off me." Jefferson groaned, still covering his face.  
"Oh, right." Alex mumbled, climbing up. He didn't make eye contact with James, who was still grinning. Alex waited until Jefferson lowered his hands, now staring up at the sky. His face was awfully red. Alex hoped he was okay, but he desperately needed to get away from the situation. "Can I take first nap tonight?"

James gave him a knowing look, smiling, "By all means."

Alex scrambled into the truck and curled up in a ball. After a few minutes of mild panicking, he uncurled and shifted lower in his seats, so he was below the windows. He quickly took off his binder; taking in a deep breath. On occasion, he risks wearing a bra, but their buried so deep in the trunk, hidden, that it's a hassle to get to them. He folded his binder and shoved it in his jean's pocket. He quickly put his shirt back on and sits back up. His hair's a mess, but his chest felt better. Sighing, he watched James and Jefferson through the windows. Instead of helping Jefferson get up, James sat down next to him. They were talking. Alex turned away when James ran a soothing hand through Jefferson's hair.

His mind was scrambling, screaming, and oldy silent, all at once. He wished his wife was here. He'd hold her, and laugh and joke about what he just did; instead of feeling weird about it. There's nothing wrong with singing a love song to another man who you occasionally fight with and is super attractive. Curse his libdo. Maybe if he got laid, he'd stop having weird, intrusive thoughts about the other man. Although, his only options for some sexy times are either James, which - no, that'd be weird; or Jefferson, who's the problem to begin with. Unless they found some other uninfected people; but Alex doesn't really wanna trust anyone after some not-pregnant lady stole their bus. Maybe he could fuck a zombie?

Alex physically shivered at the idea. No. Not a good thought. Very bad imagery.

"Oh, Eliza, what am I doing?" Alex asked, turning his gaze to look up at the starry sky through the windshield. "What is this doing to me?"

Alex curled up into himself, resting his head against the back of the seat and wrapping his arms around his waist. He fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming about warm hands on his hips. Halfway through the dream, the hands shifted from being soft and small to large and dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	11. He Struggled and Kept His Guard Up

The next morning, they were still at the same fishing spot by the lake. Alex's anxieties about the water have almost disappeared, seeing as how the waves have not tried to drown him in his sleep. Jefferson remade the fire and was on water duty; he made sure that any container or bottle that they had was filled with freshly boiled lake water.

"You know. This probably isn't even super clean or anything. We can probably still get sick from this." He said as he held up a water bottle and looked at the slightly-foggy liquid inside.

"If you're dehydrated, you can't run. Think of it like that." James said. "I'd rather get a stomach bug than be infected by a zombie."

Jefferson shook his head, "Nah, man, I'd much rather get bit. This face does not look pretty when sick."

"It's not pretty to begin with." Alex replied, walking up to the two. James laughed at Jefferson's betrayed expression, and Alex chuckled along. He kept talking before Jefferson could insult him back, "What's the plan for today?"

"Cleaning." James replied, "We have some work we gotta do before get back on the road. Thomas has already started with the water. I was going to try and catch us a fish again, but if that doesn't work out, then we'll just skip breakfast. We  _desperately_  need to organize the truck and see what all of our supplies are. That includes packing those backpacks we got; we should start keeping those with us in the front at all times."

"We need to take baths." Jefferson said, "We haven't done that yet, and it's been too long."

James paused, and then glanced out at the lake beside them. "About that. Thomas, I want you to look around the clearing. What do you  _not_  see?"

Alex watched as Jefferson's gaze scanned the area, clearly confused. Alex did the same and decided to take a guess, "Cover?"

James nodded, his voice strange as he spoke, "There's nowhere private to bathe. Everyone could see…"

Alex could tell there was something hidden under that tone. He was referring to something that only Jefferson would understand. But Alex was hoping to  _God_  that Jefferson wouldn't be a stubborn dick about this, because there's  _no way_  Alex could possibly bathe in front of them without everyone knowing he was trans. He couldn't let that happen.

Thankfully, Jefferson understood what James was talking about. His face twisted into a conflicted pout. He chewed his bottom lip as he thought, his eyes kept flicking over to Alex nervously. "Uh, we could have our backs to each other…?"

James shook his head slowly, his expression unimpressed. "You'll just have to wait until the next chance."

"Do you realize how gross and greasy and sweaty and nasty we all are?" Jefferson asked, crossing his arms. "If I have to be stuck in a tiny truck with your dirty asses then-"

"Is it worth it?" James interrupted, "Are you actually going to strip right now and take a bath? In front of  _everyone_? Or are you arguing for nothing?"

Jefferson closed his mouth and looked away. He crossed his arms and shifted on his feet awkwardly. He glanced at Alex again.

James clicked his tongue, "That's what I thought."

When it became clear that they weren't going to get into the lake for a bath, Alex let out the breath he was holding. Thank you, James. Alex would be totally screwed without that man.

It's quiet for a moment, as the men watch the waves roll across the muddy shoreline. The sun has just barely risen over the treeline and Alex finds himself peacefully content at the sight of it. A new day, another start.

"You always sound like Martha when you do that." Jefferson said, quietly. He sounded a bit sad, and Alex glanced over to gage his expression. It's distant, lost. Jefferson cleared his throat and offered James a small smile, "When you shut me down like that."

"She was good for you." James agreed in a soft tone.

The two look at each other for a long moment, and Alex feels like he's intruding on something, but then Jefferson glanced at him and said, "Those two would always team up on me. The wife and the best friend, against one poor, innocent farmer boy."

James rolled his eyes, "You are neither poor nor innocent."

Jefferson chuckled and put his hands in his pockets. He stared down at his feet for a second, his smile fading. He swallowed before he said, "I miss her. I miss her so much."

"Of course you do." James said, not unkindly. His tone was understanding, accepting. He put his hand on Jefferson's shoulder and mumbled, "We all miss our families."

Jefferson's talking to Alex now, as he said, "My Martha was something else. We met through my cousin, Gil, and we hit it off right away."

"You guys were disgustingly cute." James said, resting his head on Jefferson's shoulder.

"Nah, that was you an' Dolley." Jefferson smiled at Alex and asked, "You ever get to see him and his wife together?"

Alex grinned, thinking, "Once or twice, at a company party. They barely talked to anyone else but each other, and held hands the entire time. They always sat in the corner and whispered to each other."

James had a boyish grin on his face as he looked away and muttered, "We was gossiping."

Jefferson let out a snort, hiding his face with one hand. "JemmyJames and Dolley  _love_  to people watch. I bet you told her all of the office scandals."

"Oh, every single one." James agreed. "I'd come home, take off my jacket, ' _Baby, you'd never believe what happened today!'_ "

Alex shook his head, holding back a laugh, "Liza and I are the same! I'd come home, ready to spill all the beans, and she'd pour us some wine, and we'd just sit there and gossip about everyone!"

Jefferson nodded, "I feel like all couples do that. And if they don't, they don't know how to be a couple."

Alex made a noise of agreement. There was a slight lull in conversation, until Jefferson turned to Alex and asked, "How did y'all meet? I met Martha through my cousin, James met Dolley in college. How'd you meet Eliza?"

Alex hesitated, "Um."

"I don't think I know this story." James mumbled to himself, "How did you meet Eliza?"

"Well, I don't like to talk about it much…" Alex shifted awkwardly, glancing away from the men.

"You don't like to talk about how you met your wife?" Jefferson asked, clearly confused. "What, is she a mafia boss or something?"

"No, it's just…" Alex looked at James for help, but the man was obviously not seeing what might make Alex uncomfortable right now. "Well, uh, most people wouldn't find it super romantic."

"That's alright. It doesn't always start romantic." Jefferson said, "How'd you meet?"

Alex decided that he'd only tell half of the story; like he usually does to people who aren't super close to him. "Okay, so, um, we met at a gas station."

"A gas station?" James asked, "Not at a party or something?"

"No." Alex bit his lip and looked away, "I mean, I was leaving a party, kind of. And I went to a gas station. It was New Years, so I guess that part's kinda romantic. But I went to this run down gas station on the other side of town, and she was working there. It was late at night - or, early in the morning, and we just talked a lot, since she was bored and no one was there."

Jefferson and James exchanged glances. Jefferson shrugged and said, "And that's all?"

"Yeah. Kinda." Alex said, not making eye contact. "It was kind of embarrassing."

"What was embarrassing about that?" James asked.

Alex flinched, realizing his mistake. "Nothing, really. I'll, uh, tell you later, if you want, I guess." He very obviously glanced at Jefferson as a way to say  _when he's not here_ , which James  _finally_ understood.

"Right. Of course." James mumbled, curiously watching Alex.

Alex desperately tried to come up with a new conversation topic, since the attention was still on him. Jefferson was glancing between the two of them suspiciously. Alex tried to sound casual as he asked, "So, uh, who cooked?"

James was trying to hold back an amused smirk as he replied, "Dolley and I switched off every other day."

"I cooked for us." Jefferson said slowly, still a bit confused about what was happening, "Especially when Martha became pregnant."

"Eliza was the cook in our house. I was always working late, so I couldn't help out much in that field..." Alex said, relaxing a little, "She'd have the kids help a bit. Pip working in the kitchen with her."

James nodded to Alex and said to Jefferson, "He had two kids. I only saw them once, when the youngest was about two?"

"Yeah. That was a long while ago. Years ago." Alex smiled, remembering when Eliza brought the kids to his work to coax him into leaving early. "When this all went down, Angie was ten, and Philip was fourteen. They were … fantastic, you know?"

Jefferson's eyes grew distant again, "Yeah. I thought I loved Martha more than anything in the world. And then, when Minnie was born, I realized that what I felt for Martha was  _nothing_  in comparison. I was willing to kill for that kid." He cleared his throat quietly, blinking rapidly, "I never thought I'd actually have to, um..."

Alex's eyes widened as he realized that Jefferson was trying not to cry. He looked over at James, who soothingly rubbing Jefferson's back. Alex hesitated, unsure if he should press. But he was never really good at being quiet, so he asked in a gentle tone, "What happened?"

"Alex." James started in a warning tone. His gaze grew sharp and his shoulders squared a little. Like Alex was about to kick his child. There was no doubt that these two were close, but in that moment, Alex saw the raw protection James felt for the other man.

"No, it's okay." Jefferson said quietly. He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. Alex and James looked at each other, equally surprised. Jefferson ran a hand down his face and explained in a broken voice, "When the first wave came through… and people became infected… well... my little Minnie Martha got sick. At first we just thought it was the flu but…"

Alex found he couldn't look away as the first tear rolled down his cheek slowly, wrapping down his chin and sliding below the collar of his shirt. The tear didn't seem to want to let go of the man, unwilling to drop to the ground like one would expect. It clung desperately to Jefferson's skin, refusing to be forgotten. Alex's gaze snapped back up to the man's face when he continued speaking.

"She was so little. Could barely even walk. But she was hungry, when she turned - or, or maybe she knew who we were, and was trying to get to us…" Jefferson rubbed at his eyes, clearing his throat. He let out a long, shaking sigh, when he mumbled, "I - I don't know…"

Alex suddenly remembered what James had said to him back on the bus a month ago: ' _Thomas wasn't as lucky. He had to do the job himself.'_

The world felt like it stopped spinning the moment Alex realized what must have happened. He couldn't hold back the gasp that slipped past his lips, he didn't even realize that he had spoken until the words were already heard, "You ... killed her?"

"I had to!" Jefferson said, his voice a mess, and his face not much better. He turned to Alex and suddenly all that intensity was focused on him. Alex took a step back, surprised by the raw emotion seen there. Jefferson's hands were shaking as he cried, "I - I had to- to shoot them both. Minnie and Martha! I - I had to look my baby daughter in the eyes and shoot her dead so she'd- she'd-"

"Shh, Thomas, it's okay." James said. Jefferson turned to him and crumpled himself against the smaller man. His face was pressed against James' chest, his fists shaking, buried, in the other man's shirt. Alex swallowed hard, not knowing what to say or do to help. He looked away, finally, and allowed the men a small bit of privacy.

He chewed his lip and wondered. Wondered what he would do if he was in the same situation. If Angie was bitten and Alex had to make a decision in the moment of what to do. Is it better to save his own life and shoot his child? Would it really even be his kid anymore? Or just a zombie? He thinks about the zombie child that he had to fight back in Schenectady. Yes, it was strange, a bit hard, to kill that kid. But he wasn't emotionally attached to it. What if that was his his daughter? His son? Could he have defended himself?

He doesn't think so.

* * *

Not too long later, Jefferson had calmed down. There wasn't even a trace of his previous greif on his face; back to normal, like it never happened. Alex finds himself shifting uncomfortably at the idea of it. He wants to tell the other man that his emotions are valid, and that there's no need to hide his past. But he doesn't think his input would be appreciated, so he stays quiet.

They get started on the chores that James wanted to get done. Jefferson and he are pulling things out of the back of the truck so that they can organize it better. Previously, they just shoved everything in place in a mad rush; not caring where it went. Even Alex could admit that they desperately needed some order.

For a while, they worked in silence; struggling to take off the roof, deciding to keep it on, reaching inside and pulling stuff out one at a time, and setting it on the ground beside them. While they did that, James tried again to catch a fish.

Alex was sat on the ground, three big backpacks in front of him. He had to decide what was important enough to put into these bags, in case they ran out of gas in the truck and had to walk. So far, he's only shoved some clothes and a blanket in one of the bags. He stuffs lighters and bottles full of lake water in as well. The work is simple and kind of calming. He rather enjoys the sorting, making sure that each of the bags have equal amounts of supplies. While he's always found busy work annoying, this kind of mindless task was somewhat satisfying.

This bag will hold the big fire starting kit. This bag will hold a small one. This bag, the one Alex mentally deemed as his own, will hold the medical supplies - including the pads and tampons Jefferson grabbed. One backpack gets extra food. One gets a pan and some silverware. One gets an extra blanket. Alex makes sure that any one of the bags will give the user a fighting chance on their own.

Alex breaks the peaceful silence as he holds up an oversized sweater that he doesn't remember picking up. It's far too soft for its own good; a pale blue that makes his heart skip a beat at the sight of it. "Eliza had a sweater like this. Hers was much smaller, of course. But otherwise…"

Jefferson pauses for a moment before he said, "I snagged that at one of the stores we raided. It looked comfy."

"It is." Alex reaches up and hands the sweater over to Jefferson to feel. "It's soft. This is the kind of thing I'd wear on game night."

"Game night?" Jefferson asked as he rubbed the sleeve of the sweater thoughtfully.

"Yeah. Well, we don't do it a whole lot anymore, but when my friends and I were in college, we'd have a game night twice a month. It was a lot of fun." Alex smiled to himself, taking the sweater back. He gently ran his fingers up and down the soft fabric, sighing. "We had a lot of fun those nights. Stupid, my friends were. But good people."

* * *

"I want to sit by Alex!" Pegs shouted as they wormed their way between Alex and John.

"You  _always_  sit by Alex!" John protested.

Pegs shrugged, "You live with him, you get to see him all the time. I only get to hang out with him every once and awhile."

John opened his mouth to argue, but Alex cut him off saying, "They're right. Pegs gets priority."

Pegs grinned and stuck out their tongue, "Take that, cis!"

John snorted and flicked Pegs' cheek, making them squeal. This was a common exchange at game night, Alex thinks it's more of a tradition by now than any real want to sit next to him, but he doesn't bring that up.  
Everyone gathered around the table that they usually used. A dining room table at the Schuyler's place; a room that was only used when they had company. Angelica, Eliza's older sister, sat at the head of the table, picking at some chips and dip. Eliza sat next to her, with Alex on her other side. They held hands under the table and grinned at each other when something funny happened. Pegs, Eliza's younger sibling, sat beside Alex. John and Hercules took the other side. The boyfriends got distracted by each other easily and had to be kicked under the table in order for them to focus on the game.

They played many different games; from cards to board games to trivia. They were playing a pop culture trivia game on that day. Alex was losing, but he blamed that on Eliza being too cute.

"Okay, my turn." Angelica said as she took a card from the center of the table and read it outloud. "The card says, 'What is love?'"

"What kind of love are we talkin' here?" Pegs asked, "Romantic, familial, platonic?"

"That's all the card says, 'What is love?'." Angelica replied, flipping the card around to show them, careful to keep the answer hidden under her thumb.

Pegs thought for a moment, and then replied, "Well then, I'd say that love is a chemical reaction based on instinctual need to not be alone."

John shook his head, making a thumbs down, "No, no, no! Love is sharing your food!"

After he said that, he looked pointedly to Alex, who was munching on some grapes. Alex sighed and rolled his eyes, but passed the fruit over to the other man. John grinned happily and blew Alex a kiss.

"I'd say that love has to do with sex." Hercules said. "Good old fashioned fucking. That's love."  
John rolled his eyes and nudged his boyfriend, "Of course you'd say that."

"I only do the dirty with people I love." Herc replied, quietly. John's mouth closed silently around a grape and the two stared at each other for a long moment.

"Aaaand we lost them." Pegs said under their breath. "Al? Lizzy? What's your guess?"

"Can I add on to Herc's?" Alex asked, then continued, "Because, yeah, sex is great, but only if you really have fun while doing so. You know, like, laugh and joke around."

Angelica raised an eyebrow, "You think love is laughing while having sex?"

Alex shrugged, then nodded, "I think that's an example of love, yes."

The table turned to Eliza, who was the only one left without an answer. She thought for a moment, and then placed her hand on Alex's knee, "Love is … staying together, and being there for each other, no matter what."

Alex grinned, feeling his cheeks turn a bit pink. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Eliza's cheek, mumbling, "I like that answer, too."

Angelica cleared her throat to get everyone's attention again. Although she smiled at Eliza, she looked thoroughly unimpressed, "You guys are idiots. We're playing a trivia game. It's a fucking song. The answer was 'Baby don't hurt me, no more.'"

Pegs stood up and snatched the card from their sister, "I was the closest!"

"Bullshit!" John shouted, reaching across the table for the card, "My love was way better than yours!"

"I've never heard of this song in my life." Alex muttered as he watched his friends fight over the card.

"No one is gonna say it, but we all know my answer was the best." Hercules said as he joined in the fight for the card. "It was the most accurate!"

"No it wasn't!"

* * *

Jefferson was watching him, after he finished retelling his story of one of their game nights. Alex was expecting him to smile along with him, since it was kind of a funny story, but the man had a slight frown on his lips. Alex felt himself frown as well, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, it's just…" Jefferson paused. He looked over to James, who was knee deep in the lake, and then back to Alex. He was only able to keep his gaze for a second before he looked down at his feet, "How did you have so many friends?"

"...What do you mean?" Alex asked, a bit surprised.

"You named off, like, five people." Jefferson said, chewing his lip. Alex saw his cheeks darken a bit as he shifted from foot to foot. The man was embarrassed; self-conscious. "I've never had that many friends before. It's only ever been me an' James. And, like, my wife and my cousin, but those two don't really count, you know?"

"I think Martha counts." Alex said. "If I get to count Eliza, then you get to count Martha. Besides, you should marry your friend, so it only makes sense that you'd include her."  
"That's still only two people." Jefferson argued.

Alex shrugged, "Sometimes two's all you need. I didn't always have them. Before … before college, I had no friends. So I kinda, like, forced them to stay near me."

Jefferson watched him for a minute, before the strangely intimate look in his face disappeared and his normal cocky expression returned. He shrugged and said, "I just can't imagine that many people deciding they'd want to put up with you."

"Oh, fuck off." Alex said, shaking his head. "If it makes you feel better, two of those five were my girlfriend's siblings. And one was my girlfriend, so I really only had two friends, too. One, if you think your best friend's boyfriend shouldn't count."

"Not the same." Jefferson muttered, turning away to grab another thing from the truck. Alex's mind drifted off and he realized that he'd been seeing more and more of Jefferson as of late. The man before him isn't the same man that Alex met on that roof in New York. He was more open with him now; and Alex felt like he was learning something new about him every day. It was nice, but, also strange. Alex found he didn't really know what to say in times like these, where they weren't arguing or teasing or running for their lives. He hoped he'd figure it out soon.

"Why is there a bag full of bras in here?" Jefferson asked.

Alex's heart stopped in his chest. His head snapped to look up at Jefferson, who was holding one of the sports bras, frowning down at the rest. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-  _fuck_.

Alex's mind went unhelpfully blank, refusing to provide any solution, any excuse in this moment. He tried to come up with something clever, but his words failed him.

"Uh…" Alex said eloquently. He couldn't even feign ignorance at this point, it was too obvious that he was well aware of the situation and just didn't know how to respond.

"GUYS!" James shouted from the lake, "I DID IT! I CAUGHT ONE!"

_Thank you, Jesus._  Alex thought as he turned and ran over to the shore, "Awesome!"

Jefferson was by his side after a moment, congratulating James on his catch. It wasn't the biggest fish in the world, but it was bigger than they were expecting. The fish went from Alex's elbow to his thumb - skinny, but long - and it flopped in James' arms desperately. Alex had no idea what kind of fish it was. He couldn't tell a trout from a bass. But that didn't matter; fish means meat and meat means food.

"Let's grill this up!" Jefferson said, excited. All thoughts of the bras must've disappeared out of his mind. Alex shoots James a thankful smile, and the man only assumes it's for the fish. Alex is alright with that. He'll have to hide the bras better later. He decides he'll shove some of them in his backpack and hide the others with some different supplies or something. The hard part will be doing that when Jefferson isn't looking. Maybe he can get James to help. He's wearing a sports bra right now, and he has his binder in his pocket, but he really needs to find out what he's going to do with the rest. God, why didn't he get put on a team that had a woman with them? That would make a lot of this so much easier.

They watch as Jefferson skins the fish; wiping away stray scales. He carefully removes the fins and chops off the head. James gags and looks away from the fish's round, dead eye. Alex jogs over to the truck and fetches one of their pots that they stole in order to cook the fish. They position it over the fire in a way that won't immediately scorch the catch; handle facing outward for easy access.

Alex felt his mouth water at the sound of the fresh sizzle of meat heating up. His stomach growled loudly, making sure everyone was well-aware of his thoughts. Jefferson shot him a smile, something that made his stomach flip for other reasons. James licked his lips, now that their catch looked less fishy and more foodie.

It smelled delicious; Alex only wished that they had some kind of seasoning other than the smoke from the fire. He wasn't super fond of the taste of fish. He's always drown his cod in tartar sauce before even thinking about eating it. Fish sticks were pretty good, but they were so processed, there was no way they kept the original flavoring.

All these thoughts disappeared when Jefferson cut up the fish into thirds and served it to them. Alex's hands shook as he took the plate from him, his eyes wide as he realized he'd be eating food - real food - for the first time in a month. It won't be from a can, and it's enough to actually fill his stomach a considerable amount. He didn't even think about finding a fork or knife. He set the plate down on his lap and pulled the meat apart with his fingers. It burned a bit, he dropped the fish a few times before he finally got it in his mouth. But it was worth it.

He couldn't help the appricative moan that left his lips. When he opened his eyes - when did he close them? - he saw Jefferson and James having very similar reactions. Jefferson was licking his finger, trying to get every taste of the meal as he could. James had his eyes closed and was chewing slowly, his shoulders relaxed.

This was good. They needed this.

Alex let out a soft sigh as he picked up another piece. He shoved it in his mouth, having no time for finesse or class. The more he ate, the more he wanted to keep eating. He didn't realize just how hungry he was until the food was already in his mouth. It was like a domino falling, crashing into another, into another. He couldn't stop until he had eaten all of his portion. When his fingers bumped against the empty plate, with nothing else to grab, he let out a small whine.

"Same." James mumbled. He was brushing his plate like a cat would to a door when they wanted to go outside. His expression was a strange mix between forlorn and satisfied.

"JemmyJames, go catch another." Jefferson said, a twinkle in his eye. "You're the official fisher of our group."

"It took me hours to catch just that one." James said, shaking his head, "I don't want to stand in the water all day."

"There are worse things." Jefferson tried to convince him. "You could have to listen to Hamilton talk about his friends."

"Hey!" Alex gasped, but he was smiling. They were all smiling; laughing. Alex shook his head, shooting Jefferson a playful glare, before turning to James, "Really, though, this was amazing. Thank you so much for catching this."

"Yeah, Jemmy, you did great." Jefferson added, pulling the other man into a one-armed hug. Alex glanced away when Jefferson pressed a kiss to the side of James' head. Something in Alex shifted and he decided to get back to work. He stood up and went back to the truck. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure Jefferson wasn't paying attention, before he threw some bras into his backpack. He then bundled up the rest into a ball, wrapping them back up in the bedsheet. Frantically, he tried to find a place to hide them. He crawled into the back of the truck, trying to shift things around with one hand so he could hide the rest of his bundle. He knew it was stupid, they were just going to take them out again when they sorted through the rest of the truck, but they had to be out of sight right now. Maybe he could convince James to work with him in organizing and Jefferson can fuck off somewhere else. It doesn't matter where. They just need enough time to figure out what to do with his supply.

Alex's panicked searching was put on hold when he noticed a strange sound. He paused in his movements, focusing on the unusual noise instead. When he realized it was coming from behind him, he slowly crept back out from the back of the truck. He stood back on the ground and looked around. James jogged over to the truck, clearly as confused as he was. Alex shrugged and followed the noise up the small hill to the road. He knew that he recognized that sound. It was familiar. But he couldn't  _quite_ figure it out.

As he stood on the side of the road, he squinted down one way and found nothing. Then he turned the other direction. He frowned at what he saw. It was a car. A red Jeep Wrangler; flying far faster than any Jeep Alex had seen. He realized that the sound that he was hearing was the roar of the engine.

The Jeep must've seen him, because it laid on the horn as well, adding to the intense soundtrack. Alex flinched, stumbling backwards as the Jeep flung itself past him, down the road; horn still blaring. The sound only faded slightly as it got further and further away, echoing through the trees and across the lake.

"Those were people!" Alex shouted in surprise. They hadn't seen anyone alive and uninfected since the bus incident.

"Where were they going so fast?" James called from his spot by the truck. Alex turned to look at him, but froze at the next noise he heard. This noise sounded much like thunder over a gladiator's cage. He whipped around, hoping he was wrong, but knowing he wasn't.

The horn wasn't just a greeting. It was a warning.

Alex scrambled backwards, back down the hill, almost tripping in his haste. He ran to James, grabbing the man by the arm, and yanking him as he grabbed the backpacks in one quick motion.

"What is it?" Jefferson called from his spot by the fire.

"RUN!" Alex shouted as he shoved a backpack in James' arms and pulled him forward by the grip on his wrist.

"Run…?" Jefferson mumbled, and then, seeing what was behind them, screeched, "RUN!"  
James yanked his arm free, shouting, "NO, idiots, the truck!"

By the time he turned around, sick, angry monsters were climbing on top of the truck and clawing the air hungrily. James let out a whine, but continued running, urging the others forward.

The road was blocked by a screaming wall of rotten flesh, so they did the only thing they could. They ran along the lake, towards the cluster of trees that spread out into the distance. Alex couldn't hesitate - hesitation meant death - as he leaped into the woods.

The zombies' growls and snarls were loud in his ears and he didn't want to stop to see if it was just his fear amplifying their volume. He felt tears form in his eyes as he sped up, not wanting to be snatched away by the creatures behind him.

His heart was pounding in his ears and his lungs burned with each breath, but he kept moving forward, pushing past tangles of bush and branches. Leaves and twigs slapped against his skin as he ran. The backpacks in his arms acted a bit like shields as he plowed through the thicket.

He doesn't know how far he ran, how fast, how long, which direction, or anything other than that his chest burned and his legs had gone numb. He took as deep a breath as he could while he was still running and tried to force himself to calm down. It was only when he swallowed hard, still panting, did he find enough sense of mind to realize that the growling had stopped.

He wasn't being chased anymore. He slowed to a stop, breathing harder than he's ever breathed in his life. He thanked God that he wasn't wearing his binder, once more. As he stopped, he leaned against a tree and looked behind him for confirmation.

There wasn't a zombie in sight. But there also wasn't a human.

"James?" Alex panted, his voice raw. "Jefferson?"

His knees felt weak as he kept breathing. Black dots formed in his vision when he moved too fast. He took a risk and sat down, closing his eyes and tipping his head up to breathe easier. He needed to rest. Yes, he had to find the others, but if he passed out while doing that, he'd be dead in an instant.

After a minute, he opened his eyes, watching, just in case. While he was sitting on the floor, he shifted so that the backpacks were now on his back; one awkwardly strapped over the other. This left a lot of weight on his back, but he didn't want to be one of those poindexers that had a backpack on their front as well.

When Alex's breathing slowed back to a more normal rate, he slowly climbed back up, relying heavily on the tree for support.

He swallowed and then called out once more, "Jefferson? James?"

No response.

He didn't even know where to start looking. All of the woods looked the same to him; trees, trees, more trees, another tree, oh look - a tree. He didn't want to yell; he didn't want the zombies to hear him. He also didn't want to walk backwards, towards where the zombies were. But he has no idea what to do otherwise. They didn't plan for this. What were they supposed to do if they all go seperated in the woods?

Alex took a shaky step forward. Then another. He turned in a circle, trying to see through the trees. He flinched at the sound of birds flying from branch to branch overhead; cawing through the air. His breathing hardened as his eyes darted around helplessly.

"James!" He said, as loud as he dared. "Jefferson!"

Nothing.

Alex chewed his lip, trying to find the right thing to do. He took another shaking breath and then stepped forward in a random direction. At every sound, he froze, waiting in terror to see if something was about to jump out at him and kill him. Nothing ever did approach him, though, so he slowly crept forward; hoping beyond hope that he'd find his friends.

He stumbled over a root and almost tripped, but he caught himself on a tree, his hands getting scratched up by the bark. He hissed and looked down at his bruised skin, shaking off the dirt and small pieces of wood. Alex chewed on his lip, pouting down at his hands. They weren't bleeding or anything, but they still hurt. Like a paper cut's dirty older brother. He continued to walk, taking more care to watch where he was going so that he wouldn't trip again.

After walking for so long that his feet began to hurt, Alex stopped when he heard a noise. It sounded much like his own footsteps, but clumsier. The rustling of fallen leaves; twigs and grass that's being kicked around as something moved through them. Alex held his breath and froze, slowly glancing around, trying to figure out where the noise was coming from.

A bird cawed from overhead, and Alex sucked in a startled breath. His nerves were on edge, and he knew that if he were attacked right now, it wouldn't be an easy fight. He didn't have a weapon, and all he could really do is run. He still has two backpacks on his back, filled with supplies, and he was exhausted from running earlier; so it wouldn't be easy to sprint away from danger  _again._

Alex slowly creeps forward, his hands carefully raised in front of him. There was a rather large tree before him, and he swiftly moved to stand behind it, hoping to hide from whatever was approaching. The backpacks made it a bit hard to press up against the tree, but he made it work. He forced his breathing to come out in slow, quiet lengths. The shuffling grew nearer. Something groaned, low and deep, behind him.

Alex closed his eyes and hoped that whatever it was would just go away. No such luck. The leaves underfoot shifted once more. Then, it seemed like the thing grew to a halt. There were some more shifting noises, another grunt and a groan, and then silence. It had stopped. Alex realized that whatever had been making those noises was now waiting on the other side of his tree.

Alex internally groaned, trying to figure out his options. He could run, but the thing might give chase. He was tired and carrying twenty-five pounds of supplies. There's no way he'd out run it. He could wait here until the creature left, but it could shuffle around the tree and find him waiting; a perfect snack. His only other option was to fight. Alex glanced around and found a sizeable stick on the ground. It could work.

He carefully, slowly, so as to not make too much noise, reached down and picked up the stick. It was heavy in his hands, and would work well to hurt the monster behind him. He took a deep breath, tightened his grip on the stick, and whipped around the tree to attack.

He could tell that whatever it was was low to the ground. He started swinging before he even really got a look at it. He swung with all his might, feeling the impact of the stick against the creature. He heard squealing and screeching, just barely audible behind the sound of blood rushing through his ears.

"Whoa, whoa! It's me! Ham! Stop!" A voice frantically said.

That didn't sound like a zombie. Alex halted, dropping his stick. His eyes widened as he realized what he'd done. "Oh, shit! Jefferson?"

"Yes, dumbass!" Jefferson said, panting. He looked up at Alex, his hands raised to try and protect his face. There was fear in his eyes, carefully masked behind annoyance. He looked a mess, exhausted and dirty. Alex was sure he looked the same.

"Sorry." Alex breathed sheepishly. He's just happy that he's no longer alone. Alex lowered himself on shaky legs so he was squatting in front of Jefferson. "Are you okay? Did I get you?"

"Just my arm right here. It's just a scratch, though." Jefferson said, rubbing his right forearm gently. He inspected the small wound carefully before deciding, "I'll be fine."

"Sorry." Alex said again, reaching forward and taking Jefferson's arm in his own hands gently. It had small pools of blood that were too small to spill over and cause any real damage. He couldn't tell if it was dirty or not, though. The stick certainly wasn't clean. They'd have to wash it later; getting an infection wouldn't be ideal. Alex gave Jefferson another apologetic look before he let go of his arm. "Thought you were a zombie."

Alex took off his backpacks, groaning as his shoulders got a moment to relax. He could feel the tension in his muscles, and he wanted nothing more than to have someone dig into them and loosen the knots.

"Not yet." Jefferson grumbled, "God knows how. I shoulda been bitten back there… I have no idea how I got away."

"Yeah." Alex agreed quietly. "Where did they all come from? We didn't see any zombies for a while, and we're pretty far away from any cities."  
"Who cares." Jefferson shrugged, "They could've come from anywhere. This isn't our world anymore, it's theirs. They can just show up whenever they want."

Alex was quite a moment, thinking that over. He chewed his lip and asked, "Will it always be like this? Will anywhere be safe?"

"I'm sure in twenty years or so, when all of them starve out, things'll be different." Jefferson said, looking out at the trees surrounding them, "Until then? We keep running."

Alex sighed, sitting back on his butt. He hissed when his bruised hands pushed into a rock. He quickly shifted, holding his hands against his chest.

"You okay?" Jefferson asked.

"Yeah. I tripped and scratched up my hands." Alex explained, showing the other man his palms. Jefferson opened his mouth to say something, but they both froze when a squirrel ran by overhead. Alex felt his chest constrict, he didn't like the idea of being lost in the woods, knowing that zombies had followed them in. "We need to get going."

"I'm not leaving until I find James." Jefferson said stubbornly.

"What if you can't?" Alex asked, frowning. "You can't wander these woods forever."

"I can and I will." Jefferson said, crossing his arms. "Catch my dead ghost ass haunting these trees."

Alex sighed. He wasn't really going to fight him on this. But he wanted to at least put the thought in Jefferson's mind. False hope could only make things worse in the long run. They have to be realistic; there were a lot of zombies, anything could've happened. James could've tripped. He was carrying the other backpack, maybe it got caught on a branch. Alex clenched his teeth hard, hoping against all hope that he was wrong. Jefferson shifted, his eyes darting around. There was something in his eyes that made Alex's gut sink. There was desperation fighting in there; powerful and angry. Alex wanted to make that look go away, he wanted to see the man at ease once more. He didn't even stop to wonder why such a thing was so important to him; but he knew it was the right thing to do.

"Okay." Alex said after a long minute. "Let's go find him."

Jefferson looked over at him, slightly surprised. He silently nodded and watched as Alex stood up. He raised a hand, and Alex helped him to his feet. They each took a backpack, picked a direction, and started walking.

Already, Alex felt better, having someone by his side. He glanced over at Jefferson, taking in the man's focused worry. He nodded to himself and felt his determination grow. They'd find James, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Want some extra fresh angst? Read about Jefferson's sad flashback on [my tumblr!](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/post/172902269937/couldnt-seem-to-die-chapter-115)   
> Tw: blood, gore, attempted suicide, gun violence. This extra content offers no spoilers, so you can read it without fear!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	12. What I'm Gonna Say May Sound Indelicate

They were silent. Alex glanced over at Jefferson as they both stepped over a fallen tree; his exhausted muscles burning at the small effort of lifting himself over the trunk. Neither of them had said a single word since they set off to find James together. They each were carrying a backpack on their backs, and Alex was thankful that he didn't have to carry both of them by himself anymore.

The only way Alex could describe Jefferson would be with the word ' _tense_ '. He flinched at every small sound; squirrels in the trees and sticks snapping under their own feet. His eyes darted around, searching, longing, and Alex knew who he was looking for. He just hoped that the southerner would find what he needed.

Of course, Alex needed James, too. He was the glue that held their little group together. Alex couldn't imagine him and Jefferson getting along long enough to survive an apocalypse. And, more to the point, James was just better at this than either of them. If anyone had a chance at surviving all of this bullshit, it would be James.

Sometimes, Alex wishes he was bit back in New York. Then he wouldn't have to go through this. Realistically, he knows that he doesn't really have to keep going. He could just stop at any moment. There are plenty of ways to push Game Over.

So why does he keep going? Why does he force his body to it's breaking point? Why does he choose to have nightmares every night? Why did he decide to climb on the rooftops, starting this horrible adventure? Why does he do the things he does?

Jefferson grabs his arm, and they both freeze. Alex glances up at the taller man; he's staring into the trees, somewhere to their left. Alex's gaze follows his own as he prepares for a fight. But there's no reason to grab the pitchforks, because instead of a bloodthirsty zombie, standing in the middle of some bushes, is a large buck.

It's antlers stretch farther than Alex thought they would. He'd never seen a deer before, and they're surprisingly big. The deer stares at them, and they stare at the deer. Alex blinks as the animal's dark, inky eyes inquire a simple question - are you infected?

Alex can see the intelligence in this animal's eyes. It knows what has happened to the earth. It can see that a new predator stumbles through these trees. Alex shakes his head slowly, and the deer's ear flicks.

Jefferson lets out a small sigh, and Alex almost jumps in surprise. He forgot the other man was there. Jefferson said, quietly, so as to not spook the animal, "I feel like shit."

"Why?" Alex asked in the same soft tone.

Jefferson glanced down at him, his expression a bit guilty, "I want to hunt him."

"Is that unusual for you?" Alex isn't watching the deer anymore, although Jefferson turned his gaze back to the animal. The buck hesitantly munches on some leaves, unsure if the humans before it are going to leave or not.

Jefferson nodded once, "I don't like hunting. Not for sport, anyway. Everyone in my family does it, and I go on hunting trips with them sometimes, but I don't actually like the whole … you know. Shooting wild animals thing."

Alex considered this before he replied, "It wouldn't be for sport, though. Not anymore. Now it's for food."

Jefferson was quiet for a long moment, watching the buck. Finally, he shook his head, "Not this one. Not this time."

Alex glanced between him and the deer, curious. Jefferson nodded to the buck before continuing walking. Alex offered the deer a small wave and then followed behind Jefferson. The man said from over his shoulder to Alex, "Besides, we don't have a gun."

The conversation was dropped after that, and they travelled along in silence once more. Alex was just a little excited that he had seen a real, live deer. That never would've happened in New York.

The next few hours are spent in silence once more. They keep their eyes and ears open while they silently stalk through the trees, being careful to not make too much noise. It didn't  _seem_  like there were any zombies around, but that's the thing about zombies - they're invisible, silent and stalking, you don't know they're there until you've already been bit.

So they don't take any chances. They're careful and focused.

"Oh my God, just  _piss off_  already." The voice breaks through the silence, startling Alexander. Alex and Jefferson glanced at each other before quietly stalking through the bushes to find the source of the sound. As they got closer, they could hear sick snarling along with an annoyed, "No one wants you here. Get lost!"

Alex pressed up against a tree and peered around the edge. He let out a small gasp at what he saw. Sitting high in the branches of an old oak was James. He had his legs pulled up next to his chest and he was holding onto some branches around him as he sat out of reach of a zombie. The creature was prowling around the tree's trunk, reaching up to try and grab James, but it obviously couldn't reach. It only had one arm, and it's left ankle was twisted. It never would reach James, thankfully.

It would almost be funny, if it weren't a terrifying situation. James, however, didn't seem scared. He just sat there, staring down at the zombie, muttering curses at it.

"James!" Jefferson gasped softly. Alex turned to speak to him, only to find the other man pressed up against him, thoroughly invading his space. Alex huffed a little, but between the tree and the southerner, he had no real escape.

"He looks okay." Alex assured quietly. "We just have to get rid of Bitey-Boo over there and we're golden."

Jefferson didn't even blink. He was staring at James, not responding to Alex at all. Alex waved his hand in front of Jefferson's face, snapping a few times, until the man jerked back in surprise and looked down at him. Alex raised an eyebrow expectantly. Jefferson set down his backpack as quietly as he could and said, "We have to get rid of that zombie."

"Wow. Wish I thought of that." Alex muttered dryly.

Jefferson pulled out a knife from his pocket and nods to a large branch on the ground, "Ready for round two?"

"Oh, yeah." Alex grinned as he picked up the branch. It was big and heavy, Alex was already prepared to swing it like a baseball bat.

Jefferson just barely held back a smirk as he said, "Just make sure you hit the zombie this time."

Alex rolled his eyes. Jefferson started to move, but Alex stopped him. He had caught James' attention, and now Alex knew that he knew that they were there. Alex leaned his branch against the wall and signed clearly to James, ' _You okay?'_

James nodded and replied with, ' _What're you going to do?'_

' _Fight it.'_

' _Don't!'_

' _Too late. Keep distracting it!_ '

Jefferson watched, enthralled as he and James signed back and forth. "You know sign language?"

"Yes, clearly. Shh." Alex whispered as James signed something back to him.

' _There's only one. Another ran that way, but it's long gone. It heard something and thought it would have a better chance with that than me._ '

' _Lucky you. Ready?'_

James sighed, but nodded, signing a last, ' _Be careful!_ '

"When did James learn sign? Why do you know sign?" Jefferson asked, still baffled, "I know seven languages, but I don't know sign!"

"Shut up and fight. We're up." Alex said, ignoring the other man completely.

The two crept forward while holding their weapons at the ready. Alex was on the zombie's right, Jefferson on it's left. They moved carefully, so as not to make any noise.

"You're so dumb, you don't know that you're about to die. You don't know that your efforts, while admirable, are completely in vain. You don't even know what I'm saying." James said, taunting the zombie. "Of course, even if you  _could_  understand me, you wouldn't even know what to do with this information. Face it, buddy, this is the end for you. It was nice that you kept me company, though."

A twig snapped under Alex's foot and the zombie turned to look at him just as Alex swung his branch as hard as he could; hitting the monster right in the face. It howl and snarled and stumbled backwards from the force, right into Jefferson's waiting arms. The man grabbed the zombie's shoulder, gagging a little at the  _squish_  sound it's rotting muscles made, and slammed his knife down into the zombie's head from behind. Alex looked away from the action, but he could still hear the screeching from the zombie as it was stabbed over and over again.

Finally, the screaming stopped, and Alex looked over to see the zombie's body hit the floor by Jefferson's boot. Alex sighed, satisfied that the unpleasantries were over with. He dropped his tree branch and turned to James, who was slowly making his way lower and lower.

"Thank you kindly." James said as he accepted Alex's help in climbing down from the tree. Alex smiled, thankful that the man was alright. He didn't know what he'd do without him.

"What were you doing up there?!" Jefferson asked as he frantically grabbed James and checked him for injuries.

"Oh, you know, chillin', what did it look like?" James sassed. "The zombie was chasing me, so I climbed a tree. It's not rocket science."

Alex shook his head, still smiling a little, "Okay, the gang's all back together. Now, let's figure out where we are and where we're going."

"Doesn't matter where we are. We're going north." Jefferson said, looking up at the sky. "Which would be … that way."

Alex frowned, "Why north?"

"Canada's north." Jefferson said, smiling a little. "No matter where you are, Canada will always be north."

"Yeah, if you're in continental America." Alex snorted. "Alright, lead the way, North Boy."

And so they started off, walking through the woods, once more. Alex kept glancing over at James, just to make sure he was still real and with them.

* * *

They've been walking for so long. Well, "walking" is putting it nicely. It's been more like "stomping", "hiking", "climbing", maybe even "tripping" would be a good way to describe it. But the sun was starting to go down now, and Alex was so tired he felt like he was going to cry from exhaustion.

"James." Jefferson said, leaning against a tree, "My feet are about to fall off. We have to stop for the night."

James glanced around before he nodded to a small clearing in the trees. "Okay. We'll settle down right there."

"Thank God." Jefferson muttered to himself and shuffled the last few feet over to where James had gestured.

"How're we gonna be safe?" Alex asked, setting down his back pack. He stretched as he spoke, popping his back with a small whine. "We couldn't climb a tree or something?"

Jefferson immediately shook his head, "No. No climbing for me, we can just have someone keep watch."

"All night? It was fine when we had the truck, but there's no cover here." Alex said, frowning.  
Jefferson gestured around them, "There's trees all over the fucking place. And bushes and rocks and shit. It's not like we're in the middle of a field. No one,  _nothing_ , will see us."

"But-"

" _No_ , Hamilton!" Jefferson snapped before plomping down on the ground against a tree. The man closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

James sighed, "Thomas." The southerner didn't respond, feigning sleep. James rolled his eyes and muttered, "Whatever. I'll make the fire, then."

"I'll help." Alex offered quietly, "If we make it over there, so his dumb ass freezes."

James was already picking up sticks and fallen branches. He took a second to ponder the idea. Jefferson opened an eye to peer at him. James looked over to Alex and shrugged, "Tempting, but no."

Alex expected that answer. He was still mad, but with the sun going down, the air was chilling. They'd have to work fast if they didn't want to freeze. Alex and James worked in silence as they searched through their bags until they found some matches. In just a few minutes, they had a campfire going.

Alex sighed as he sat down next to it and held out his hands to be warmed by the flames. Neither he nor James suggested that they find some food. Alex couldn't even remember if he shoved some extra cans into their backpacks or not. He was hungry, of course, but he wasn't really thinking much about the deep pit in his stomach. Instead, he glanced over at James, who had shifted so he was sitting with his back against Jefferson's chest. The taller man had his arms wrapped around James' waist and his face was pressed into the crook of his neck. Jefferson was fast asleep, his soft snores in time with the crickets. James didn't seem to mind the close position of the other man. He was staring into the fire thoughtfully.

"Why do you let him do that?" Alex asked quietly.

James blinked and his gaze snapped to Alex. He shifted a little, leaning further back into Jefferson's embrace. "Throw tantrums? I don't know. He's just always been like this. I know that he means it, he wouldn't complain over nothing. Thomas is … particular, but he's not selfish. He … he has his reasons for why he acts the way he does."

Alex nodded and said, "Sure, but I meant …" Now he was uncomfortable, "Why do you let him touch you like that?"

James opened his mouth and then closed it again. He ran a hand down Jefferson's arm and said, "...What do you mean?"

"You two touch  _all the time._  Like, from the first time I saw you guys together until now. You hold hands and cuddle and he tries to kiss you and you play with his hair…" Alex listed the things off, remembering more as he goes. "You guys are just touchy."

Surprisingly, James chuckled. He smiled to himself and absentmindedly played with Jefferson's fingers. "It's all Thomas' fault. He wasn't held enough as a kid. He was one of, what, seven children? And his parents were gone often. So … he craves touch more than the average person. Especially now, since the world's so crazy. He's …"

"He's touch starved." Alex supplied. He knew a thing or two about that. His childhood left much to be desired and he could remember the nights he would curl up and just  _pray_  for someone to come and hold him while he slept. "How long has he been like this?"

"As long as I can remember." James sighed, tilting his head back a little to look up at the stars. "He would be so stressed all the time; incredibly anxious and he'd, he'd do this thing where he just disappeared deep into his mind and he wouldn't really respond to anything. I figured it out, that he got that way when he really  _really_  needed a hug, but he didn't know how to ask for it. So I told him, you know, that I didn't mind him clinging to me. And the rest is history, I guess."

Alex watched as Jefferson shifted in his sleep, his arms tightening around James' waist. He let out a whimper and James quietly soothed him. A nightmare. Alex glanced back at the fire. As he watched the flames flicker and dance he thought about his own lazy days with Eliza, how he loved resting his head on her chest, how she'd stroke her fingers through his hair while she played on her phone. If he thought hard enough, he could recall the feeling of a warm body pressed against his side. He closed his eyes and imagined holding and being held.

Yeah. He could see the appeal of that.

* * *

The next day has much of the same. Walking, walking, and hey, guess what? More walking. Alex has never sweat this much in his life. He's just thankful he's been wearing a sports bra for the past two days. He couldn't imagine walking this much, this fast, with his chest constricted.

For a while, everything's fine. But then Jefferson starts bitching again.

"James, I gotta take a break." He said for the third time that day.

"Jesus Christ," Alex growled. He was fine with it the first time. It made sense, they had been walking for a while, and a small break was acceptable. The second time, it bugged him a little, because he had just gotten into the groove of tromping through a pathless woods, just for them to halt once more. Now, Jefferson better have a good fucking excuse for why he's having them stop again after just an hour since their last break. They're never going to get anywhere at this pace, and the sooner they find the edge of the forest, the sooner they don't need to be scratched up by thorns anymore.

Jefferson leaned against a hickory tree and huffed. "No one fucking asked you, Hamilton."

James paused from where he was at the front of the group. He looked around, anxiously wringing his hands. "Can you at least make it to the top of the hill?"

Jefferson looked up at the rest of the small mountain they were climbing. He groaned and shook his head, "I can't, Jemmy. I'm so sore."

"We're  _all_  tired, Jefferson." Alex crossed his arms, "But we can't keep stopping every two seconds because your fucking princess ass can't walk ten feet."

Hurt flashed in Jefferson's eyes, before it hardened and he growls, "Shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about, dipshit."

"Thomas." James said in warning.

Alex shook his head, "Oh? I don't know what I'm talking about? I live in this fucking hellhole, too, idiot. I have to watch my back because if I don't, it'll be eaten by some undead bitch with one leg. So don't start that 'holier than thou' shit with me, okay? We're all trying not to die, here, so-"

"Alexander." James raised his voice a little.

Jefferson scoffed and muttered, "Yeah, I bet it's real hard work being carried along."

"EXCUSE YOU!?" Alex nearly lost it, "Says the whiney bitch that wouldn't even help us make a  _fire_  last night! Oh yeah! You were too tired then, too! Do you need to take a nap you fucking baby! I  _swear_  I've never met anyone so fucking-"

"ENOUGH!" James shouted, startling Alex into silence. His fingers were digging into his scalp with frustration. His gaze snapped up and Alex actually took a step back in fear. He had never seen the man so mad before. "Do either of you realize what is at stake here?! Your  _fucking_  petty arguing is a  _complete_  waste of time and I'm  _sick of it!_  If either of you say another  _goddamned_ word I'll leave you here to get bit and rot! Am I understood!?"

Alex fought down his surprise and ignored how intimidated he felt. He huffed and said, just as loud and harsh as James had been, "But Jefferson is-"

"Thomas needs breaks because he's fucking disabled you dumbass piece of shit!" James said, his hands shaking with fury as he spoke. His voice was tight and high pitched as he clearly had reached his limit.

"JAMES!" Jefferson shouted, horrified.

"He was going to find out eventually!" James turned to the other man, a bit apologetic, but mostly still mad. He gestured to Alex and said, "You couldn't've kept it hidden forever!"

Jefferson didn't say anything, his mouth hung open in shock. He stared at James, the betrayal obvious in his eyes. He took a stumbling step backwards, turning so he could hold onto the tree, hoping it would support the weight he could no longer carry.

Alex didn't know how to react. His gaze darted around Jefferson's body, searching for some kind of hint as to what James meant. Disabled? Disabled how? Where? He  _looked_  abled-bodied, but Alex had never really seen his skin much, aside from his face and hands. Maybe it was an internal thing, like his lungs or heart? Alex's mind was racing, and everyone knew it.

"It's his leg." James said, quiet this time. Jefferson didn't even look up at them from his spot crouched on the ground. "The left one. It's amputated at the knee, and that's why he can't walk as far or fast. His prosthetic wasn't meant for this kind of travel."

Oh.  _OH!_

That made sense, Alex decided. He started to piece all the little bits of the puzzle together as he realized the answer was staring him in the eyes the entire time. His shitty balance, his unwillingness to be undressed around him, how often he trips, how much he sits down, the awkwardness in how he stands up or lays down. It wasn't much on it's own, but now that Alex realized it was part of something more, it was all so obvious.

Thomas Jefferson only had one leg.

Alex was still stunned by the news that he almost missed Jefferson's pained, shakey whisper, "Why would you do this?!"

James looked over to Alex and paused. He took a long breath through his nose and said, "I can make it even. Alex has been hiding something, too."

"No." Alex said, a little breathless. Then, louder, and with more fear, "No! NO!"

James maintained eye contact with Alex as he said, "Thomas, Alex is-"

Alexander hurtled himself across the clearing into James' chest, the both fell to the ground, landing on rocks and roots. Alex pounded on the man's chest with his fists, screaming at the top of his lungs. James grabbed onto his wrists and twisted them until he had Alex pinned down. Alex kept screaming, thinking he could, perhaps, drown out the other man.

"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KILL YOU!" Alex screech, over and over.

James hollared over the sound of Alex's voice, "ALEX IS TRANS!"

And just like that, Alexander was silent. Like someone hitting the mute button, all of his screaming was halted immediately. James sighed and looked over to Jefferson, who was sitting, horrified, watching the whole fight.

"Alexander is a trans man." James said, sounding exhausted. "I've known for years. He didn't want you to find out." He took a deep breath and he said, "Alex is trans, and Thomas is disabled, and now everyone knows everything."

"I fucking hate you." Alex said with tears in his eyes. "I absolutely fucking hate you, Madison."

Madison sighed, "Alexander…"  
"Get off me." Alex pushed Madison until he could sit up on his own. He immediately climbed to his feet and stalked off further up the hill. He didn't hear anyone coming after him, which was probably for the best. If someone touched him right now, he'd probably outright deck the person.

He imagined himself doing various violent things to Madison as he stomped up the hill. He had so much to think about, so much to rant about, so much to cry about, and shout about, and write about.

Yeah, he's been outed before. And he's come out willingly before. Each and every time, it's a terrifying experience. He never gets used to it. For so long, he'd gotten used to passing, to looking cis, that he would barely even think about it anymore. But now, all of his fears and anxiety and dysphoria and anger came rushing back to him full-force. He couldn't believe this, he  _trusted_ Madison. The man had never done something like this before, and now? Now Alex wondered if he could ever trust the man again.

He was crushed, he looked up at the stars, barely visible between the trees, and sighed a deep, shuddering sigh. He wrapped his arms around his waist and silently begged for his wife to come and hold him until he was better. He prayed for his children to be there, to make him smile, just once. He wanted his friends, who loved him, who would never do this to him. He just wanted someone - anyone - in this world who would love him like his dead friends and family did. Why, why, why, why was he left alive, when they got the sweet peaceful embrace of death? Why was he left here, on a dying earth, with people who absolutely hated him? What had he done to deserve this kind of torture?

He didn't even care that Jefferson didn't have a leg. He was just absolutely furious that Madison would so thoughtlessly out him like that. Alex groaned and stued in his own hate and anger long until the sun went down. When it was dark, Alex stalked back to where the other two were sitting. A fire had been made, Madison was asleep. He and Jefferson were not touching.

When Alex approached, Jefferson looked up, grabbing his knife. He relaxed when he saw it was just Alex, and relaxed further when it was clear that he wasn't infected. Alex sat down on the opposite side of the fire, far away from Madison's sleeping form.

Jefferson looked at him for a moment, he sighed and said quietly, "We need to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)  
> And if you wanted to read that bonus chapter that had spoilers from way back in chapter 6, you can read it now without fear, since now you know the spoiler. You can [click here,](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/post/170651169212/couldnt-seem-to-die-chapter-55) for that!


	13. It's Quiet Uptown...

"See, your problem," Pegs said as they scooped a spoonful of ice cream into their mouth. They continued around the dessert, their words muffled, "is that you're so focused on passing."

They were in Pegs Schuyler's room. Alex was spread out on their bed, his hair fanned out around his head as he laid on his back. Pegs was at their desk, sitting in a spinny chair. They had ice cream and were wearing fuzzy purple socks.

Alex sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, watching as Pegs' ceiling fan spun in the same dull circle slowly. "Isn't that the point? Isn't that what we're  _supposed_ to want? For everyone to look at me and think, 'that's a boy'."

Pegs hummed thoughtfully. "Well. I think we all have that secret wish deep down. But." They waved their spoon around as they talked, "You realize that even the  _concept_  of passing is transphobic. The idea that the only way someone can  _be_  a man is if they look, act, and sound how society has deemed men should look, act, and sound. Passing may be a goal, sure, but it shouldn't be your life focus. You should be comfortable with your gender and yourself no matter what you look like."

Alex twisted to stare at Pegs from across the room, "Clearly, you don't have crippling dysphoria."

"I'll admit, it's different for me." Pegs agreed. "My gender fluxuates, so if someone thinks I'm a chick, I'm okay with it, because chances are, I might feel like a chick that day." They shrug, "But I've also felt super dysphoric before. I've cried because my hair wasn't manly, or because my outfit wasn't androgynous enough. So I get it."

Alex reached out for the tub of ice cream in Pegs' hand. They handed it to him with their lips pursed in thought. Alex rolled onto his stomach so he could get a scoop of ice cream without making a mess.

"But I also think you're too hard on yourself. I know you're a boy. So does Liza and Angie and all of your friends. What's it matter what strangers on the street think?" Pegs smiled, pulling their knees up to their chest. They paused, their smile fading a little bit. They said quietly, "And, real talk? I think you might have a bit of internalized toxic masculinity. Which could be a part of your dysphoria. If you realize that you can be a boy and still, you know, wear nail polish or braid your hair or whatever, I think it'll be easier for you to accept who you are."

"My hair's not really much of an issue." Alex grumbled. "I like my hair."

"Perfect! We're halfway there!" Pegs grinned. "Now, how about makeup? You already know the basics, but I can show you some techniques to make your contour more masculine."

Alex smiled, "I'd like that. Did that shirt I send you fit?"

"Yeah! And I looked  _great_  in it. Are you sure I can keep it?"

"Of course, I won't wear that kind of crap anymore."

"I might have some shirts that'll make you look taller, give me a sec." Pegs stood up and walked over to their closet. They disappeared inside for a moment, still talking, "How do you feel about stripes? I think you could rock the Blue's-Clues-host vibe."

Alex shrugged, looking down at the ice cream, "I dunno, I think-"

"Alexander?"

Alex looked up suddenly. He gaze darted to the open door, where the most beautiful girl in the world stood. She seemed surprised to see him, her gaze settled firmly on his face.

Alex's cheeks burned darkly as they made eye contact. He froze up, unsure of how to talk to her. She always made him nervous. "I-I, hi, um, Pegs invited me over? They wanted me to listen to  _Something Rotten_  with them and then we had ice cream and..."

"We're talking about boys!" Pegs yelled from inside the closet.

Alex's eyes widened as he looked from the closet back to Eliza, "No! I mean, technically, yes, but not like, I don't have a crush on a boy or anything, they just meant, we were being gay, but not in the kind where-"

Eliza, bless her heart, interrupted him before he could make more of a fool of himself. "Do you want to stay for dinner? I didn't know you'd be here, but we can set another spot at the table."

"Yeah! Yes!" Alex replied immediately, "That'd be great, cool, sure."

Eliza smiled kindly and disappeared back down the hall. Alex groaned and fell back onto the bed. Pegs emerged from the closet, striped shirt in hand. They leaned against the doorway and shook their head at him. "Yikes."

"Yikes indeed, my enbie." Alex sighed, covering his face with his hands. "Why does she make me so nervous?"

"Because you like her. Duh." Pegs snorted, dropping the shirt on his chest. "Just ask her out. She's just as into you as you're into her."

Alex sighed and nodded. "I will. I just gotta figure out the best way to do it. It's gotta be perfect, you know? She deserves the best."

Pegs rolled their eyes, but was smiling. "Okay, Romeo. Now try that shirt on, I wanna see the results."

* * *

Jefferson hadn't said anything as Alex sighed deeply out his nose. He closed his eyes and wrung his hands and waited for the yelling to start. The air was hot and heavy around them, it weighed down on Alex's neck and shoulders, making it hard for him to lift his gaze enough to make eye contact with the southerner. The crickets even seemed to be silent tonight, like they too, were disappointed in him.

"I..." Jefferson started, then stopped, and tried again, "It…"

Alex didn't look up, he stared down at his shoes, his arms on his knees, his body bent over to protect his organs as Jefferson took his shots at him. He didn't know what he expected. Homophobic slurs, transphobic ones. For Jefferson to yell? For him to punch and kick? Would Madison feign sleep as the other man beat him? Would Madison join in? Alex screwed his eyes shut tight as he tried to push away the violent thoughts in his mind. He heard voices in his head that told him he was fake, he was stupid, or lying. He wanted to scream, but his mouth wouldn't open. His teeth were clenched so tightly that his jaw hurt. He wanted to die.

"It was a car accident."

Alex paused, opening his eyes enough to watch the shadows dance by his feet. He held his breath, but listened as Jefferson continued.

"I was driving, my cousin, Gilbert, was in the passenger seat. It wasn't rainy or snowing or dark out. I wasn't drunk and neither was the other driver. It just was one of those things that … that just happens. It was unavoidable." Jefferson cleared his throat as he said, "The tire blew out. And they lost control, I couldn't hit the brakes fast enough and we slammed right into them."

Alex rubbed one of his thumbs with the other in a subtle attempt to calm himself. He reminded himself that they weren't talking about him right now, which means Jefferson probably isn't super mad about him being trans, which means there's nothing to worry about. If Jefferson was transphobic, he would start interrogating Alex as soon as he sat down, right? Or would he ignore the subject completely? Alex tried to focus on Jefferson's story, but his mind was still wild.

"Gil broke his wrist. He was flung forward on impact and used his hand to try and brace himself. It worked, he was fine, except for the wrist. He got a cast and was good within a day." Jefferson let the words linger for a moment before he added, "Clearly, I wasn't as lucky."

"What happened?" Alex asked, his voice a little raw.

Jefferson shook his head, "Honestly? I don't know. It was all so fast and I had blacked out from the impact, the next thing I knew, I was in the hospital and my leg was gone. Doctor said that the door smashed into my leg. That some metal was lodged into the muscle, that it shattered my knee beyond repair, and that I was lucky to be alive. Said that  _God_  saved me that day."

Jefferson scoffed and threw some grass into the fire. He clearly had different ideas about that, but Alex wasn't going to get into a fight about religious beliefs right then. He had more pressing matters at hand.

"Anyway." Jefferson sighed. "They gave me a new robot leg. I had to learn how to walk again. It took forever, and it hurt -  _Jesus_ , it hurt. Each and every step was agony. But Gil was by my side every second of the day. He refused to leave me, even when I told him to go."

"Sounds like a good man." Alex muttered.

"He's my best friend." Jefferson agreed.

They were quiet once more. Alex cleared his throat awkwardly. He scratched his head, his hair tangled and greasy. He looked up to Jefferson and let out a little sigh, "I'm sorry. For being a dick. I- I didn't know you were in pain."

Jefferson glanced over at Madison's sleeping form. He shrugged and shifted awkwardly, "It's fine."

Alex shook his head, genuinely apologetic, "No, it's not. If I had known you were disabled, I would never of-"

"Don't  _say_  that!" Jefferson interrupted. He glared daggers at Alexander, his fists tight in his lap. "Don't call me  _that_. I hate that word.  _Disabled_. I'm not fucking-" He took a deep breath, "I can do everything you can. There's nothing wrong with me, so don't just…"

Alex watched as Jefferson took a shuddering breath, his head ducked, his thighs trembling with tension. Thrown off his balance, Alex had no idea what to say. He struggled to think of something other than just 'I'm sorry', which now sounded pitying.

Jefferson let out a sigh, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. He looked over at Alex and shrugged, "Well, now you know. And if you say anything, one leg or not, I can still kick your ass."

Alex chuckled a little, "Yeah, no. Don't worry, I won't… I'm not gonna talk shit about this."

The wind shifted, and with it, the fire danced in it's breeze. Alex looked up to find Jefferson was still staring at him. Even when being caught staring, Jefferson doesn't look away. He squints harder in the dark, his gaze tracing around Alex's features.

"What?" Alex asked, getting annoyed.

"You don't … look like a girl." Jefferson said finally.

Alex's irritation flared, "Funny, that'd be because I'm not one."

"But… James said-"

"Madison betrayed my trust and blabbed his big mouth when he shouldn't have." Alex crossed his arms over his chest and Jefferson's gaze followed the movement. Alex shifted away when he realized that Jefferson was now staring at his chest. "Dude! Stop!"

Jefferson's face flushed and he looked away. He glanced back at Alex's face and frowned. "I'm sorry. I just … Can I ask questions?"

"No." Alex replied instantly. "I don't have to tell you shit."  
"No, you don't. But, it'd be appreciated." Jefferson said, his voice nonthreatening. "I come from a small town in the south. All of my family, my friends, we're all conservative. This gay stuff, I- the only thing I know is that sometimes guys like guys and girls like girls, a-and," Jefferson glanced away, his face burning a little, "and sometimes guys like guys  _and_  girls, so…. Anything else is lost on me."

Alex stared at the fire, his arms wrapped tight around himself. He didn't look at Jefferson during his little speech. He was too busy trying to figure out if he wanted to deal with any transphobic comments, even if they were accidental or innocent.

"Madison didn't have to ask me a thousand questions." Alex said. Which is mostly true. When Madison first found out about Alex, in that bathroom forever ago, he didn't pry. It was only now, that their lives are in danger every day, that the man has asked for more information.

Jefferson shook his head, "James is more …  _worldly_  than I. He understands this kind of shit. It always just goes over my head."

Alex let out a deep sigh. The look on Jefferson's face doesn't seem malicious. He's just confused. Concerned? Alex figures he might as well educate the man, and if Jefferson says something stupid, Alex could always hold it over him forever. He rubbed his forehead and grumbled, "Alright. What do you want to know?"

"So… you're a boy?" Jefferson asked after a minute of thinking.

"Yes." Alex said, resting his chin in his hand.

"But you … weren't born one?" Jefferson said slowly.

"Not physically."

"Do you…" His gaze darted down to Alex's chest again, then even lower. "Have a…?"

"You can't ask me about my genitals. They're none of your business." Alex said. He leaned back and looked up at the sky, "Although, if you've been paying even the slightest bit of attention, you'd already know the answer."

Jefferson's eyes widened as he realized, "The bras."

Alex almost smiled at the awe in the other man's voice. He shook his head playfully and eyed the other man through his peripheral. "Thanks for those pads and tampons, by the way."

Jefferson smiled a little, shaking his head. "Damn. I wasn't even - they were literally just giant band-aids in my mind."

"You scared the fuck out of me." Alex was smiling now, too. "When you did that. I thought that was your way of telling me that you figured it out."

"No, I had no clue." Jefferson confirmed. His smile fell a little as he thought. He shifted in his seat as he said, "Can I ask…?" Alex braced for the worst. He waited with baited breath as Jefferson gathered the courage to say something. Finally, the man continued, "How did you and Eliza have kids?"

That… wasn't the question Alex was expecting. He frowned for a second, confused. "Uh. Well, Angie, my youngest, is adopted. She's from Brazil. Adorable little girl. But Philip, my oldest, um, we had my friend John be our sperm donor. It was Eliza's idea."

"So… John is the father?" Jefferson asked.

"Biologically, yes. But he's really more like a cool, gay uncle." Alex shrugged. "I'm still Pip's dad."

"Huh." Jefferson said quietly.

Alex thought about it. About his family dynamic. How his son ended up having three dads, a mom, an aunt, and a pibling. He never worried about if it was the right choice; letting so many people be involved in his children's upbringing. He had no one when he was young, so maybe he overcompensated by letting everyone and their brother be a part of his children's lives.

"We had some neighbors." Alex is telling the story before he even knew the words left his mouth, "Who approached me one day. They were concerned because Philip very obviously doesn't look like me. And they've seen John come by our house plenty of times. They thought Eliza had cheated on me and Pip was their love child. I had to explain to them that, no, John was just a surrogate father. I told them that I was infertile or whatever, and that it was all consensual and there's no problems with my marriage." Alex shook his head, smiling at the memory of it. "It was annoying, to say the least, but they were just concerned."

"That's funny." Jefferson commented. He frowned then and asked, "So, are you infertile?"

"No." Alex shrugged, "It was always on my to-do list, but then I married Eliza. I'd never have sex with someone with a penis again, so there wasn't really much point. And, if I ever got bottom surgery, then it would've been pointless."  
Jefferson's frown only deepened, "Bottom surgery?"  
"Yeah." Alex said, but didn't elaborate.

"As opposed to…?" Jefferson prodded.

Alex blinked a few times, "As opposed to top surgery?"

"There's- there's two surgeries?" Jefferson asked, thoroughly confused. "They don't just do it all at once?"

Alex closed his eyes and sighed. He thought this one would've been common sense. "No, there's definitely two different procedures."

"Oh." Jefferson mumbled. "Learn something new every day."  
Alex sighed. "Are we done here? Do you have any more questions?"

Jefferson shrugged, "What was your girl name?"

"What?" Alex reared back in surprise.

"What was your girl name? Was it Alexandra? And now you're Alexander?" Jefferson asked.

"No!" Alex shook his head, "And I'm not telling you! No one has called me by my birth name in over two decades, so no, I'm not telling you it now."

Jefferson frowned a little, "Why's it matter? It's just a name."  
"It's not, though. It's everything I was before I transitioned. It's called a dead name because it's dead to me. No one speaks it; it doesn't exist." Alex growled, glaring at the other man. "You wouldn't get it."

Jefferson holds up his hands in defense, "I didn't mean to make you mad. I was just curious."

"Well, don't be. It's just Alexander, that's all it'll ever be." Alex said, making sure that the other man won't start pulling out baby name lists and read through them until Alex winced.

Jefferson nodded, "Okay, understood. So… nothing has changed?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"You're still, like, Alexander Hamilton, and you're a boy?" Jefferson asked, clearly a little worried.

"Yes." Alex said slowly.

Jefferson relaxed, "Okay, great. I thought I'd have to learn some new name and pronoun or something. If nothing's different than before, then there's really nothing that'll change now, you know?"

Alex nodded after a minute, "So you're not gonna treat me any differently?"

"Will you treat me differently, now that you know I have one and a half legs?" Jefferson asked, using the same tone and inflection Alex just did.

"No."  
"Then, no."

"Good."

"Good."

Alex looked over at Madison, who was still asleep. "I'm still pissed at him, though."

Jefferson followed his gaze and scoffed, "You and me both, brother."

And Alex knows that they just had an entire conversation about how he was a boy and Jefferson was going to respect that; but hearing the other man so bluntly correctly gender him the second they finished their conversation made Alex smile. He wasn't sure why. Jefferson had been referring to him as a boy this entire time, but now that he knows Alex is trans … Alex expected him to be a dick or slip up or something. But Jefferson was right. Nothing had changed. And at the same time, everything had.

* * *

Alexander woke up from the cold. He was shivering so badly that he bit his tongue in his sleep; the pain of which jolted him awake. He gasped and sat up, frowning and poking at his sore tongue. Once he was fully awake, he turned to look at the other two.

The fire had gone out some time during the night. Both of the other men were asleep, they were lucky nothing ambushed them, when they had no guards. They shouldn't be so careless, they're going to get burned doing this.

Alex turned and looked at Madison, who was curled up in a ball, attempting to keep as much body heat as possible. A spike of irritation ran through his body as he remembered what had happened the day before. Alex searched around before finding a stick nearby. He chucked the stick at Madison's head, causing the man to flinch and startle awake. He sat up suddenly, fearing his own demise as zombies rushed to eat him. But there were no zombies; there was only a mildly annoyed trans immigrant.

Alex rolled his eyes and turned to look at Jefferson. The man's head was tossing back and forth and he was mumbling in his sleep. Despite the early morning chill, a noticeable sweat was forming along his forehead. Alex crawled over to the sleeping man, leaning over him with concern in his eyes.

"Jefferson? Jefferson, wake up." Alex said, gently shaking the man's shoulders.

"M'sorry." Jefferson mumbled in his sleep, "Martha, Minnie, m'sorry."

"He's having a nightmare." Madison called from his spot a few feet away. Alex bit his lip so he wouldn't snap ' _Yeah, no shit_.' Instead he sighed and shook Jefferson a bit harder. He spoke a bit louder, although not harshly; he didn't want to scare the other man any more than he already was.

"Thomas! Wake up!" Alex said, tapping on his cheek until the man's eyes flicked open.

The southerner sucked in a sharp breath; clearly still lost in his mind. He blinked rapidly, glancing around before his eyes settled on Alex's face. He closed his eyes, still breathing hard, and lifted a hand to wipe at his brow. Alex paused before he said, "You were having a nightmare…. Are you okay?"

"Fine." Jefferson said quickly. He sat up, wincing a little as he moved. Alex was sure that sleeping on the hard forest floor did little to help his sore body. Alex's own back hurt like a bitch and he thinks he slept on his arm wrong, since it hurt whenever he moved it.

They skipped breakfast, deciding to just keep moving since they didn't have much supplies-wise. James said, "The sooner we get out of the forest, the better."  
To which Jefferson replied, "Ham, the sooner we get out of these woods, the better."  
And Alex responded with, "Excellent idea, Jeff."

Madison let out a deep sigh, but followed the two of them as they walked off into the woods together. Alex knew he probably shouldn't take pleasure in Madison's misery, but that didn't stop him from doing it. He found himself grinning smugly every time he heard Madison huff. It was the price he should pay for blabbing his big mouth.

"Are you going to be like this all day?" Madison asked, running ahead to stand in front of Jefferson. "Will you talk to me?"

"Non." Jefferson said, waving the man off, "Je suis encore fou de toi."

Madison groans a little, "Thomas, please, don't do this. You know I can't speak French."

"Et bien, c'est pas mon problème." Jefferson sniffed a little, crossing his arms and looking away from the shorter man. Madison chewed his lip, his eyes wide with worry.

"Tu parles français?" Alex asked, surprised. He pointed to himself, his excitement clear in his voice, "Je parle français!"

Madison sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "Great."

Jefferson turned to him, a smile forming on his lips. "Quelle agréable surprise. Quand as-tu appris?"

"Ma mère m'a appris." Alex smiled, a little shy. He hadn't spoken French in a while, but it was so ingrained into his mind, it was like riding a bike. He barely even had to think about what he was saying. "Et toi?"

"Mon cousin, Gilbert." Jefferson waved it off, "En fait, du côté de mon père, ils sont tous français. Ça m'a semblé important d'apprendre. Et, j'ai presque été un linguiste à la fac. Alors..."

Alex nodded along, smiling, "Tu m'as pas dit. On aurait pu faire ça tout le temps."

Jefferson snickered and nodded over to Madison, who was sulking a few feet away, "Ç'est l'auraient rendu fou." They shared a smirk as they watched Madison from afar. "Faisons-le, comme un remboursement."

Alex couldn't agree more. And so, they didn't speak a lick of English the entire morning. Alex could tell that Madison was getting more and more annoyed each second. He could see the anxiety in the other man's eyes, how he shifted on his feet when they looked at him and spoke words he couldn't understand. Was it petty? Absolutely. Did Alex care? Not at all.

They moved through the yellow forest slowly, Alex finally taking the time to allow Jefferson rest, should he need it. When Jefferson took a break, Alex and he continued their conversations, chatting away in French, while Madison would peer into the bushes and try his best to not snap at them.

"Will you please just say something?" Madison asked after a long time of listening to what he would consider gibberish.

Jefferson rolled his eyes. "J'ai parlé toute la journée."

"In  _English_ ," Madison begged, "Please, I hate fighting with you."

Jefferson looked like he was about to forgive him, but then he shook his head and turned back to Alex, "Comme je le disais…"

Madison groaned and stomped off, leaving the two to watch him. Alex almost felt bad, but it's what Madison deserves. He ruined their trust, how can he demand to know what they're saying, now? He should feel bad for what he did. He should suffer.

Besides, in Alex's opinion, this isn't too bad of a punishment.

The two men didn't follow Madison, since the man looked like he was about to have a temper tantrum. Plus, they were supposed to be ignoring him. So they stayed in the same spot, waiting for him to return. There was no doubt in their minds that he'd return.

"Tu fais un drame pour rien." Jefferson crossed his arms, continuing their previous conversation. " Il obtient la fille, et alors?"

"Non. C'est injuste pour elle." Alex shook his head, remembering the plot of the musical well, he stated, "Christine ne l'aimais pas. Mais elle sort avec Jeremy, de tout façon."

"Oui, et?" Jefferson seemed unimpressed.

" _Et_  ça personnage est censé etre une féministe. Mais elle ist juste une autre histoire d'amour." Alex said, Jefferson shook his head, laughing a little.

The taller man ran a hand through his curls, snorting, "Qui s'en soucie? Toutes les bonnes histoires doivent avoir une histoire d'amour."

"Je suis en désaccord." Alex crossed his arms.

Jefferson laughed and muttered, "Bien sûr que si." Alex frowned and looked around. It had been a while since Madison left. Jefferson had a strange look on his face as he continued, "Tu veux dire que tu ne veux pas un peu d'amour dans ta vie?"

"Wait." Alex said, barely hearing the question. "Where's Madison?"

"He walked off." Jefferson said, turning to look in the direction the man went.

Alex nodded, still concerned, "Yeah, but, why isn't he back yet?"

When Alex turned to look back at Jefferson's face, he could see the exact moment his anxiety kicked in. Alex's eyes widened as he realized what he had done. He held up his hands and said in placating manner, "I'm sure he's okay."  
"What if something happened to him? Why didn't we follow him? Why's he not back yet?" Jefferson said as he pushed through the bushes to try and see further into the woods. He cursed under his breath and then turned back to Alex, "Stop  _distracting_  me! If he gets hurt, that's on me!"  
_No it isn't_. Alex wanted to say.  _He's a grown adult_.

But he didnt' speak his mind. Instead, he placed a hand on Jefferson's shoulder and said, "Hey, we shouldn't go running off into the woods. We should stay right here, that way when he comes back, he'll know where to look. If we end up going in a different direction than him, we'll never find him. We just have to wait."

Jefferson frantically glanced around, the fear obvious in his eyes. When his gaze settled on Alexander's, he shook his head, "No, no, I can't. I have to find him, what if he's hurt?"

"You were just mad at him ten minutes ago." Alex said making a vague gesture.

Jefferson pushed past him, taking a few steps further into the woods, "Yeah, mad at him, but that don't mean I want his dumb ass to die! Ham, if anything happened to him-"

"Nothing bad will happen." Alex said, holding up his hands. "Look, he just walked off to blow off some steam. He's just mad that we're mad at him. He's fine, he's safe."  
Jefferson wouldn't take that as an acceptable answer, "You don't  _know_  that! You can't promise me that!"

Alex was about to say something else - what, he wasn't sure just yet - when he looked past Jefferson's shoulder to see a figure moving behind him. Alex sucked in a breath, already anxiously anticipating a attack. Jefferson saw Alex's expression and whipped around, pulling a knife out of his pocket. He stood between Alex and the oncoming threat, ready to fight.

"Calm down," The oncoming threat said, sounding more annoyed than it had the right to be. "It's just me."

"James." Jefferson sighed in releif, instantly forgetting that he was supposed to be mad at the other man. He put his knife away and pulled Madison into a hug before the shorter man was even detangled from the bushes yet.

"What the fuck?! Where did you go?! Why did you leave?! I was worried sick! My Number One can't just walk off like that!" Jefferson was saying, not letting Madison get a word in edgewise. "What if you had gotten hurt? I never could've lived with myself."

"You done?" Madison asked as he pulled away from Jefferson's grip.

"One more thing." Jefferson said, smoothing down Madison's shirt as he spoke, "I'm still mad at you, but, also, I love you."

"Good to know." Madison said bluntly, he gestured behind himself and said, "I found a cabin."

Jefferson turned to look at Alex in surprise. He looked back to Madison, a small smile on his face, "Oh. Well. Lead the way."

* * *

The cabin was on the top of a hill. An old dirt road with many potholes led up to it before disappearing in the woods. A road, that meant a way out. Alex mentally cheered. He was tired of tripping over roots and he was positive Jefferson felt the same.

There were no cars sitting outside the cabin; the lights were off (obviously) and the trash cans outside were knocked over. Madison's backpack was sitting on the porch swing and it was only then that Alex realized the man wasn't wearing it previously.

Madison walked up to the front door, the other two close behind him. Jefferson placed a hand on Madison's shoulder, "Are you sure there's nothing in there?"

"Positive." Madison said, "I banged on every window and didn't hear a single growl. It's safe."  
Even still, Alex held his breath as Madison broke the lock and swung the door open. They waited, muscles tense, but nothing jumped out at them. Slowly, they creeped into the cabin. Light from the door and windows spilled into the room; making it fairly easy to see.

Alex felt his lips quirk in a little smile at the simple rustic style of the building. It was only one large room, save for what Alex assumed to be a bathroom off to the side. The livingroom and kitchen were all down in front of them, while the bedroom appeared to be a lofted second floor, similar to a balcony, and the only way to get up there was by a wooden ladder. When Alex climbed up the first few steps of the ladder, he was able to see that almost the entire second floor was a king sized bed. Large, fluffy pillows sat across the back wall and many extra blankets sat in a thick pile to the side. Alex grinned; they were gonna sleep well tonight.

"Wow." Jefferson said as he turned in a small circle to look around the room. His hand brushed against the back of the couch as he walked over to the kitchen. "This is amazing."

James closed the door, he was fiddling with it in an attempt to make sure it would stay closed, even without the lock.

"I just stumbled upon it when I walked off." Madison said, "I looked around it for a bit and then decided, 'yeah, I'll share it with those idiots.'"

Alex made a noise in the back of his throat. "Comme c'est généreux de ta part."

"Hush." Jefferson breathed in Alex's direction, a smile on his face. He turned to Madison and held out his arms, "JemmyJames, thank you!"

Madison hesitated, as if he thought it was a trap, but he let himself be pulled into Jefferson's embrace. He smiled and hid his face in Jefferson's chest, satisfied that he was forgiven. Alex huffed to himself and jumped down from the ladder. It certainly didn't take much for Jefferson to change his tune.

"There might be some food in the kitchen. This kind of place looks like a summer home. Or a rentable vacation spot. So I think it would have some non-perishables." Madison explained, he nodded over to the kitchen.

"Hopefully." Jefferson agreed, and soon they were looking in the cabinets and the panturey. They set things out on the counter that they could eat and were pleased to find a small feast of crackers, beef jerky, and raisins. They also found trail mix and stale pretzels. Alex was so happy, he could cry. He never would've thought he'd be excited for stale pretzels in his life, but here he was.

"Thomas, you hate beef jerky." Madison laughed as the other man tore open a package. Jefferson took a huge bite, moaning in delight.  
"Not no more." Jefferson said around his mouthful. Alex just stared at the other man and had the desperate want to be him; eating gross, salty dried meat. He reached for the package of beef jerky, quickly shoving some into his mouth. He sighed happily, not even caring that he'll be chewing on this for the next twenty minutes. Madison laughed as Jefferson mumbled around the jerky, "Never had something this disgustingly good before."

Alex chewed on the salty meat as he rummaged through another cabinet. He let out a happy squeal at what he found, "You guys! You missed the best part!"

He turned around, showing his prize to the others. Jefferson grinned while Madison frowned a little. Alex turned the label around to read it, "It's unopened, I think it's blue raspberry."

In his hands was a large, glass bottle of blue vodka. He searched around until he found cups for them to drink from.

"It might not be a good idea to get drunk." Madison said, reaching for the bottle, "There could be zombies or something knocking down our door any minute."

"You worry too much." Alex said, pulling the bottle out of Madison's reach. "If we don't make a lot of noise or use a lot of light, no one will notice us. Besides, if there were zombies around, we would know by now."

"Okay, but you don't have a lot of food or water in your body; alcohol won't help you nutrition-wise." Madison continued, crossing his arms.

Jefferson shrugged, "If you're really that worried, then you don't have to have any. I, however, intend to get smashed."  
Madison chewed his lip nervously, but didn't stop the two from pouring their shots. They clinked their glasses together and threw back the drinks. Alex coughed and sputtered at the sharp burn of the vodka. His eyes watered a little, but he was laughing either way.

"Oh, that's good." Alex muttered, turning to grab some raisins. He chewed on them, planning on taking his time with the bottle. They had all night, and he really didn't want to end up throwing anything up. That would only make his body hate him even more.

In the end, Jefferson and Alex ended up on the couch, some snacks and the vodka sitting on the coffee table in front of them. Madison had found some candles and lit them as the sun started to sink below the tree line. He hovered around them as they drank, careful to keep an eye on them at all times.

"You're babysitting!" Jefferson gasped suddenly, turning to look at Madison.

"Someone has to." Madison replied, wrapping a blanket around Jefferson's shoulders.

Jefferson shook his head, "No, quit babysitting, here, let me see you sip it." He shoved a cup in Madison's hand.

"Thomas, I already said I wouldn't…" Madison said, pushing the cup back.

Jefferson rolled his eyes and muttered, "You could  _not_  be responsible for once."

Madison shook his head and walked back over to the kitchen, nervously glancing out the window as he went. Alex shrugged and took another shot.

At some point they got out the leftover water bottle from the lake. There wasn't much, soon they would be all out. Alex hoped that this fall would be a rainy one. He tried not to think about that kind of thing as he drank, though.

"Is that the gross lake water or the gross toilet water?" Jefferson asked, taking the bottle from him.

"No idea." Alex replied, "Still tastes better than this, though."

Jefferson laughed as Alex gestured to the vodka, and in that moment, Alexander realized that Jefferson had a really nice laugh. He found himself laughing, too, his cheeks a little flushed. From the alcohol, of course.

Jefferson turned to Madison and giggled, "You know what I want?"

"What?" Madison asked, he sounded tired. He always sounded tired, lately. Alex was sober enough to feel bad about the stress they were probably putting on the other man. He frowned at himself and decided that those kinds of feelings weren't for tonight. He took another shot in hopes to drown his conscious.

"I wanna smoke." Jefferson said, smiling wistfully. "I really wanna smoke."

"We don't have any weed, Thomas." Madison sighed, "You can't."  
"I know." Jefferson sighed, "God, I'd fuck whoever gave me a blunt right now. I'd suck a dick for a blunt. I'd happily eat some p-"

"Okay, okay, I get it." Madison shifted his weight uncomfortably. His cheeks were a little dark and he looked away, "You really want a blunt."

"Man, fuck zombies." Jefferson groaned, pouring another drink for himself. "If they weren't a thing, I could be high right now."

Alex raised his glass, "Amen to that."

They clinked their glasses together and downed their drinks. It was getting easier, the drunker they got. Alex frowned in thought as he turned to Jefferson, "Where… where does weed grow?"

"In a pot!" Jefferson snorted, laughing at his own joke. Madison groaned from across the room. Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head. Jefferson eventually responded with, "All over the fuckin place. People've grown it up in the mountains, and there's these huge fields of it in Mexico." He turned to Madison, shaking his head, "That's where we shoulda' gone. Fuck Canada, we shoulda' just gotten real high in Mexico until we died."

Madison rolled his eyes, "No, Thomas."

"You never let me have any fun." Jefferson pouted, but he was unable to keep the smile off his face. Alex didn't listen to the rest of their conversation, he was already lost in thought. His mind was pleasantly buzzed, and he hummed to himself as he closed his eyes and relaxed.

With each shot they got more and more drunk. Alex, at one point, went into the bathroom and took off his bra. He stared at himself in the mirror for a long time, squinting at his reflection.

He was gross. He wasn't going to deny that. His hair was too long and so greasy he looks like he bathed in McDonald's fries. His scalp itches in the way that starts to get uncomfortable; like a bug was digging into his skin. His breath stinks and his teeth felt grainy. He scratched at his front teeth with his nail, trying to get rid of some of the plaque there. And he had body hair everywhere. Even when he started actively dressing more masculine, he never really enjoyed body hair too much. Leg hair was fine, but anything else kinda grossed him out. Now, it was all over him. He was starting to feel like a monkey. He knew he reeked of B.O. but there wasn't a whole lot he could do about any of this. It was the way the world was now. People were gross.

Curious, Alex turned to the shower that was in the bathroom. He held his breath and turned the shower handle, hoping that water would come out of the faucet. No such luck. Alex sighed, he really should get used to disappointment.

He wondered back into the main room, leaning heavily against the wall until he plopped down on the couch next to Jefferson. The man grinned at him, leaned forward and whispered, "I'm drunk."

The immigrant could feel Jefferson's hot breath against his cheek. He could smell the alcohol on his breath. Alex's heart skipped a beat and his cheeks turned a bit pinker. He leaned a way a little, nervous about what he'd do if he didn't distance himself.

Alex snorted and reached for his cup, "Guess I should catch up, then, huh?"

Jefferson giggled and rested his head on Alex's shoulder, chattering away about something that Alex wasn't really paying attention to. He took a drink and found his arm on the back of the couch, innocently resting on Jefferson's shoulders. He didn't know when it got there, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to move it. Jefferson, who at the beginning of the night was a respectable distance away from him, was now pressed up against his side while they lazily talked. Alex didn't mind that, either.

"We should restart the world." Alex gasped, patting Jefferson's knee to get his attention. "But not in a bad genocide way. Like in uh - a healing way. Like rebuilding."

Jefferson looked up at him, blinking slowly. He took a second to reply, his mind dulled by the alcohol. "Yeah?"

"Yeah!" Alex grinned, "We can be the new government. But this time, we'll do it right."

"Yeah!" Jefferson nodded, "No corruption! No shitty politics!"

"Yeah!" Alex cheered.

Madison snorted and rolled his eyes, "God, you guys are drunk."

He was ignored. Jefferson was leaning on Alex's shoulder as he slurred, "We should use a trade n' barrer system. Money's jus' paper. We not need no paper." Alex hummed in agreement, resting his cheek against the top of Jefferson's head. He closed his eyes, taking deep, sleepy breaths through his nose. Jefferson mumbled, "Errythin' will be equal. An' we'll be the kings."

Alex rolled his head, his voice a strange half-whine, half-laugh, "Noooo."

"No?" Jefferson sounded confused. He turned to look at Alex, pressing his forehead against the other man's cheek. "Why no?

"No kings. That's a … a social class." Alex said, his eyes crossing a little. "There's gotta be no classes."

Jefferson started laughing a little, the alcohol in his system making him a little giggley, "But we're gonna make it. If it's our idea, then, then we should… we should be the kings."

Alex gasped and pulled away from Jefferson, making the other man loose his balance; he scrambled to catch himself, looking up at Alex. The immigrant put his hand on his chest and stared down at Jefferson accusingly, "No! Are you even communist!?"

Jefferson blinked slowly, he replied, "I'm an atheist."

"Thomas, you're embarrassing yourself." Madison said from across the room. Jefferson turned around and looked at Madison. He squinted at the other man until his drunken mind figure out who he was. Once he realized it was his friend, Jefferson grinned wildly and crawled over to the other man. He rested his head in Madison's lap, closed his eyes, and hummed happily.

Jefferson's voice slurred as he mumbled, "I love you so much."

"No." Alex replied, without thinking, "It is I, that loves you so much."

Jefferson buried his face in Madison's lap and laughed. He looked up, grinning, "Tha's wha' the heteros said."

Alex could hear the laughter in Madison's voice as he said, "Are you tired? You should go to sleep."

"With you." Jefferson replied, his smile falling a little, "Dun' wanna be 'lone."

"Alright." Madison said after a moment. He looked over to Alex, who was frowning at his empty glass. "Alexander, it's bedtime. Come help me get Thomas to bed, please."

So Alex stood up on wobbly legs and walked over to Jefferson and Madison. He helped the drunk man stand up and led him over to the ladder. Jefferson whined at the sight of it.

"Jeeeeemmmmyyyy!" Jefferson complained, "Don't like climbingggg!"

"Just go." Madison swatted at Jefferson until the drunk man slowly started to climb up the ladder.

They watched until Jefferson disappeared over the edge; they could hear the rustling of fabric as he no-doubt climbed into bed. Madison sighed and turned to Alex, "Alright, your turn. Upstairs."

Alex squinted at Madison, his drunken mind slowly figuring out what he wanted to say. "Hey." He poked Madison in the chest, trying his best to look intimidating. "I know Jeff- Jefferson is all buddy buddy with you now. But-" he hiccuped, "but I'm not! What you did wasn't cool and some booze and a fancy cabin won't - it won't fix that."

Madison nodded to himself, glancing away. He spoke quietly, so as not to alert Jefferson of the conversation, "I know. I know it was wrong, and I am sorry about telling him. But … it had to happen, Alex. Both of you, keeping such big secrets, it was a liability."

"Then you could've told  _me_  to do it. I woulda told him, if you just gave me a good reason to." Alex said, his voice getting emotional.

"Alexander, you're drunk. We can talk about this tomorrow." Madison said, carefully coaxing him towards the ladder. "It's in the past now, there's nothing we can do to change it."

Alex frowned at him, wanting to push the other man, but refraining to because he kinda forgot how to do that. Instead, he just pointed at him again and declared, "You're a dummy and a jerk."

"That's nice, Hamilton."

"Hey!" They looked up to see Jefferson staring at them from over the edge of the loft. "Hold my leg."

Madison had very little time to prepare for the prosthetic that was practically thrown at him. He caught it, though, and growled in frustration. "Thomas! Don't break this!"

He didn't get a reply, as the man had already crawled away from the edge. Alex, still fairly drunk, stared at the prosthetic for a long while, fascinated by it. He reached out to touch it, but Madison wisely pulled it out of his reach.

"Your turn. Upstairs, go." Madison instructed. Alex squinted at him but turned and started to climb up the ladder. He wobbled a little, but he was sure he wouldn't fall. The ground was slanted, to his drunk mind, and he leaned in the other direction to counteract it.

His head popped up over the side of the loft to see Jefferson already curled up under the blankets. He took the left side of the bed, and his eyes were already closed. Alex crawled as quietly as he could to the right side of the bed. He sighed happily as he snuggled under the blankets. His spine practically sung as he laid down on the soft mattress. He closed his eyes, until he felt something poke him. He looked up to see Jefferson staring at him.

"Hey." Jefferson whispered. "Where's Jemmy?"

"Dunno." Alex whispered back.

"...Downstairs?" Jefferson asked. Alex nodded silently. He watched as Jefferson hesitated, a deep frown pulling at his lips. The drunk man sniffled a little and clumsily wiped at his face.

Alex felt a bit like he was watching a movie, like he wasn't fully a part of the scene. The world around him seemed a little foggy, but not necessarily in a bad way. He heard himself ask, "Was' wrong?"

"Don't wanna be alone." Jefferson replied.

"I'm here." Alex said, his eyes never leaving the other man's face. Jefferson studied him, his frown never leaving. He reached out his arm, and his fingers just barely touched the tip of Alex's nose.

Alex watched as Jefferson shook his head and dropped his arm. "Too far."

Deep in Alex's mind, he remembered something that Madison had told him; about Jefferson and physical touch. How he desperately needed it. He was sure that the need would only increase when the man was drunk. It made sense to Alex, then, that it was his civic duty to touch Thomas Jefferson.

Alex wiggled across the bed until he was pressed right up next to Jefferson. Then, he picked up the other man's arm and moved himself even closer, placing the arm back down over his side. The arm understood the situation faster than Jefferson did; because it tightened it's hold around Alex, as the other man let out a quiet, "Oh."

Once he understood he was being given permission to cuddle, Jefferson sighed happily and wrapped his arms tight around Alex's shoulders. Alex tucked his head under Jefferson's chin and slid his arms around Jefferson's waist. He yawned and his eyes fluttered closed almost instantly.

He hasn't felt so warm; so safe and protected ever in his life. After everything they've been through; everything he'd seen and felt; he really needed this. It was comforting, nice. Alex slept peacefully for the first time in two months.

* * *

"Hey, Al, I'm headed over to a friend's, I'll be back late, so don't wait up." John said in a rush as he put his coat on. Alex was immediately suspicious. He stood up from the couch and jumped in front of John; crossing his arms.

He stared at John's anxious expression, frowning, "Which friend?"

"Oh, just someone from class." John said evasively.

"Which class?" Alex asked.

John squirmed, clearly trying to come up with a good lie. "Okay, fine, it's Herc."

Alex groaned, throwing his hands in the air, "Jack!"

"I know, I know, but listen, it's almost like a real date this time." John said, fiddling with his sleeve, "We're gonna get something to eat before we..." He trailed off and looked away, running a hand through his hair.

"John…" Alex sighed, "Hey, it's okay."  
"Why are you so anti-Herc? Why can't I just … have this?" John asked, sounding drained. "It's- it's not like I'm gonna marry this guy or whatever. I just want to hang out with him! I don't care if we're just friends-with-benefits or whatever we are…"

"You don't even know what you are." Alex mumbled, he shook his head, "I just want you to be safe. After last year, with Seabury-"

"Herc isn't like Sam." John said, taking a step away, "He's different. He's- he's good."  
Alex reached out for John, but the man took a step away. Alex wrapped his arms around himself, feeling guilty about bringing the subject up. He said quietly, but firmly, "You thought Seabury was good, too. Am I going to see you with bruises in a few weeks? Because Herc is so  _good_  to you?"

John closed his eyes and said quietly, "It's not like that…"

"Does he know  _anything_  about you?" Alex asked, clearly trying to prove a point. "Your major? Your favorite movie? Your  _last name_? Does he know that your a vegetarian?"

John shifted his weight nervously, "I'll tell him tonight, when we go to eat."

"John, that's the  _very first thing_  I learned about you. It's a pretty big detail." Alex raised an eyebrow. "Has he even bothered to ask you questions like that? Does he even  _want_  to get to know you?"

John's voice was unsure as he looked away, "I'm sure he was going to at some point…"

"You're a sex toy to him!" Alex shouted, "That's all he'll ever see you as if you don't fucking  _talk_  to him about how you feel!"

John raised his voice, "Fuck off- just fuck off! Like you know any better! You've never dated  _anyone_  in your pathetic little life so don't come in here acting like the king of romance!"

"I'd rather be alone than trapped in a relationship I hated." Alex said.

"But I  _don't hate it_!" John's hands were shaking, his eyes wide, "I don't hate Herc, I'm okay with our situation right now! He's not like Sam, he's  _nice_ , damn it! And if you'd just  _try_  to get to know him instead of just being intimidated by how he looks-"

Alex rolled his eyes and stepped away. "Fine. Fine. Go and have your brains fucked out by some guy that doesn't care about you. Whatever. But if things go south, don't come crawling to me."

John's jaw was clenched tight as he looked away. He stormed out of the apartment, keeping his head down. Alex flinched as the door slammed shut behind him. He sat down on the cough and let out a shaky breath. He could feel tears forming in his eyes; he bit down on the back of his hand to stop himself from sobbing.

How is he supposed to help the people he loves if they don't want to help themselves?

* * *

Alex woke up happy for the first time in months. He sighed as he snuggled up against the warm heater next to him. He smiled to himself, keeping his eyes shut for just a moment longer. Right now, he was at peace. He wasn't afraid that a zombie was going to break in and eat his brains. He wasn't scared of people stealing his bus, or holding a gun to his head. He wasn't afraid of anything. He had no worries; all that mattered was that he could just stay safe and warm for another ten minutes.

A hand brushed through his hair gently and Alex couldn't hold back his satisfied sigh. Alex opened his eyes, a little confused, to see that the heater he was snuggled against was a human being. That human being was, apparently, Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson was stroking his hair and holding him close.

"What…?" Alex mumbled, sleepily.

"Sorry." Jefferson muttered, clearing his throat. He started to pull away from Alex, but the smaller man stopped him.

Alex glanced away, his cheeks darkening a little, "No, it's okay. Feels good."

Neither men would look at the other as they both mentally figured out what they were going to do next. The peaceful bubble that had surrounded them had popped, and while Alex wasn't on edge just yet, he certainly wasn't at ease any more.

"Oh, good." Madison said, climbing up the ladder to talk to them. "Y'all're awake. C'mon, we need to get moving."

"Can't we just stay here?" Alex asked, trying not to whine, "Forever?"

Madison shook his head, "Unfortunately not. We've already eaten all the food, and there's no water. We could stay here a little longer, but the longer we do stay, the colder it's going to get. There's already frost outside on the grass. We need to keep moving until we find a more permanent place."

Alex shook his head, "Isn't that just more of a reason for us to stay? There's no guarantee that we're going to find a place that'll protect us from the cold. What about when it starts to snow? We can just stay here all winter and-"

"The longer we stay in one spot, the more likely we'll be found." Madison interrupted him, his voice harsh, "We keep moving."

"You're being stupid!" Alex raised his voice, "The cold'll kill you before the zombies will! Winter is coming and you want to move  _north_? To  _Canada_?! When we don't even have a car? How does that make sense? We should stay here until the spring!"

"Great idea! And then, instead of hypothermia killing us all off, it'll be our own starvation!" Madison snapped, "We keep moving."

"But-"

"No, Hamilton!"

Alexander huffed and turned to look at Jefferson, "Well?"

Jefferson shifted uncomfortably, his gaze shifting between the two men. He scratched at his neck as he said quietly, "James is right… We should get going."

He really shouldn't be surprised. Of course Jefferson would take Madison's side. Of course he'd let their friendship blind him to the reality at hand. Of course Alex had no say.

"Not to," Jefferson cleared his throat, "Not to piss you off even more, but, uh, can you get out of bed first? Like, go downstairs?"

"Why?" Alex almost growled, his irritation rising.

Jefferson shifted awkwardly on the bed, his gaze darting over to the prosthetic leg that Madison no doubt brought up once they were asleep. "I have to, um…"

And, yes, Alex is mad. But he's not a  _total_  dick. So he gripes and grumbles to himself as he climbs out of bed and down the ladder, giving Jefferson the privacy to put his leg back on.

Alex glared at Madison while the other man was busy packing up all there stuff. He was obviously stealing things from the cabin, taking whatever he deemed necessary. Alex sulked in the corner while Madison opened a closet that he hadn't seen previously.

"Oh, look at this." Madison said, pulling a hunting rifle from the closet, "Protection."

"We can use that to hunt for food and stay here during the winter." Alex said.

Madison shrugged, "Or to kill any zombies that try to eat our brains, but sure, your idea is cute."

Alex ground his teeth together,trying hard to hold back his temper. Madison wasn't making it easy, however. He was still pissed that the man outed him, and now the southerner was walking on thin ice. He wasn't afraid to start a fight with the other man.

Jefferson joined them a moment later, avoiding all eye contact. Alex muttered angrily in French, but neither men paid him any attention.

"Tu es stupide et imprudent." Alex grumbled, "Et tu vas nous tuer."

* * *

The dirt road that led up to the cabin seemed to last forever. Alex sulked behind the group as they walked, dragging his feet unnecessarily. He couldn't stay in the cabin without them. The thought didn't even cross his mind. Wherever they went, he would follow. Even if he thought it was bullshit.

Jefferson was the one in charge of holding the rifle. He had it slung over his shoulder, along with his backpack. The air was still, and, despite it being late into the morning, no birds chirped. Strangely enough, the only sound was of their soft footsteps on the hard dirt. Alex had the strangest feeling that something was standing right behind him, at all times, breathing down his neck. He glanced over his shoulder with almost every other step, anxious about what might be following them.

The sun was high in the sky and Alex's feet were killing him. He didn't complain, though, because he was sure Jefferson had it worse. He glanced at the man, observing the way he walked. It wasn't so unusual that someone would notice it automatically, but since Alex was looking for it, he could see the slight limp; the irregularity in how he swung his leg.

And then, Alex remembered last night. How he slept in the same bed as Jefferson. How he was - his cheeks darkened and he was mighty glad he was behind the other two and out of sight - pressed up against the other man. He didn't even notice the missing limb, then. Although, he was drunk, and he was on Jefferson's right side, but still. And speaking of which, should Alex feel weird about cuddling with Jefferson? He really didn't mind it at the time. And even when they woke up, he wasn't super embarrassed or anything. Jefferson didn't seem weirded out by it. They didn't do anything inappropriate. So, maybe, it was fine. Jefferson just wanted to hold someone, and to be held; Madison wasn't available, so that just left Alexander. There's nothing wrong with that.

All these thoughts were giving Alex a headache. Or maybe that was the hangover and dehydration. Either way. He decided he wasn't going to ponder it any more.

At some point, they took a short break. Alex stretched his arms over his head and groaned at the pull of his muscles. He wanted nothing more than to turn around, march back to that cabin, and curl up in bed for the rest of his short, miserable life. But they had walked for so long that Alex wasn't even sure he knew where the cabin would be anymore.

Jefferson set down his bag and the rifle. "Gotta take a piss."

Alex watched as the other man walked into the woods off the side of the dirt road and disappeared. He turned and picked up the rifle, slinging it over his shoulder. Madison raised an eyebrow at him, but Alex wasn't going to explain himself to him.

He just thought that the other man was carrying too much. Anything to make things a bit easier for the southerner. Besides, Alex like the weight on his shoulder; it made him feel more secure. There was also the voice in the back of his head that told him he needed to carry his weight on the team, lest the other two decide to drop him off at the nearest ditch. With how quickly they disregarded his ideas, his insecurities made sense; at least, to him, they did.

Jefferson returned not too much longer and they set out walking once more. He glanced at rifle on Alex's shoulder and simply shrugged, teasing, "Don't choke."

Alex chuckled and bumped his shoulder against Jefferson's, "Don't worry, I've had plenty of practice in that front."

He winked and snickered at Jefferson's rapidly darkening cheeks. In front of them, the dirt road turned and twisted into the woods at a sharp angle that really wouldn't be safe for cars driving fast. Madison slowed to a stop a few feet ahead of them. He peered into the woods carefully.

"JemmyJames?" Jefferson called, his own steps pausing for a moment. There was, perhaps, eight feet between them, so Jefferson raised his voice just enough to be heard, "What's up?"

James turned and looked at them, his expression thoughtful, "Nothing. I just thought I heard something."

Jefferson opened his mouth to make a joke, but the noise died in his throat as a messy, bloody creature jumped out of the bushes and sunk it's teeth deep into Madison's bicep. Alex's heart stopped as the creature let out a deep growl; Madison's blood seeping out of it's mouth and dripping on the ground.

"No-" Jefferson choked, running forward, "No!"

Madison's eyes were wide as he slowly looked down at his arm where the zombie still hung from. He gasped in shock and pain, yanking his arm out of the monster's grasp. Alex saw a chunk of Madison's flesh and muscle fly away from the force. Madison stumbled backwards, holding his arm close to his chest. His breathing was uneven and he was making pained noises as his body went into shock.

Alex stood there, unable to get his body to move, as Jefferson stabbed the zombie with his knife - it slumped over without a fight. The gun was in Alex's hands. Alex should've seen the zombie coming, should've shot it before this happened, should've shot it after, should've done something, nothing came to mind, nothing but pure, unadulterated panic.

Jefferson caught Madison and slowly helped him down to the ground. Alex felt himself shuffle closer without his mind's consent. It didn't feel real - like he'd blink and this was all a bad day dream.

Madison was pressing down on his arm; which was bleeding so much Alex couldn't tell what color his shirt sleeve originally was. He closed his eyes and his body swayed; the pain and shock making him dizzy. Alex couldn't hear what Madison said next, but Jefferson tightened his grip on his friend's shoulders.

"James, I  _can't_." Jefferson refused.

"You have to." Madison said, his voice scratchy. "I was bit. I'm going to change. You have to."

"Don't make me do this!" Jefferson whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks, "Don't - I can't do this again. Not again, I- I can't lose another person I love."

Madison's eyes were taking longer and longer to open between blinks. He brought a shaky hand up to Jefferson's cheek and winced, "T-Thomas, you- you gotta kill me. I can't- I- I won't be able to stop myself, when I-"

"Shh. No, no." Jefferson brushed back Madison's hair, trying to steady his own breathing, "I-I don't want to shoot you."  
Madison's lips quirked upwards in just the tiniest fraction of a smile, "Sure you do. I'm annoying enough… Just close your eyes, and think about all the shit I put you through, and… and be brave."

Alex flinched as Madison let out a gross cough. Jefferson shook head, unable to pull away from his friend as he was gasping and hacking for breath. From over Jefferson's shoulder, Alex could see Madison's eyes growing red and his pupils dilating. The smaller man was sweating buckets as his muscles flinched and spazzed uncontrollably. He made intense grunting noises between labored breaths, and that's when Alex knew that they didn't have much time left.

"Uh, Jefferson, we should-" Alex shifted awkwardly, his anxieties rising each second.

"Don't- don't make me do this!" Jefferson repeated, his hands holding Madison's head still so he could try and look into his eyes. "Fight it, you can fight it, James.  _Please_ , you have to."

Madison gave a weak smile, even as a drop of blood started to spill past his lips, "Don't work like that, Tommy."

Before Jefferson could respond, Madison choked on his own blood and saliva, he closed his eyes and let out a low groan. Alex scrambled to pick up the hunting rifle, his fingers shook as he reloaded it, cocking the barrel.

"Bite me." The words were so quiet, Alex almost missed them. He froze and looked down at Jefferson, who was shoving his wrist into Madison's mouth. Madison tried to keep his lips shut, squirming desperately away from the other man's tight grasp, but it was no use. Jefferson grabbed onto Madison's jaw with his other hand while still pressing his past Madison's lips. Jefferson was sobbing now, his voice broken and pained as he shouted, "Bite me! Bite me you son of a bitch!"

"Hey! Whoa! No no no no!" Alex frantically grabbed onto Jefferson's arms, pulling with all his might to get the man away from their dying friend. He couldn't let Jefferson do this - if Jefferson became a zombie, too, then Alex would be all alone. The thought terrified him more than he liked to admit. Jefferson fell back on his butt, Alex's fingers still dug into his shirt. Jefferson twisted around, angry tears still in his eyes.

"Stop! Stop it!" Jefferson shouted, pushing Alex away, "Let me do this!"

"No, you stop!" Alex shouted back, his own eyes watering. He was shaking too much to do anything other than sit back and watch as the anger grew in Jefferson's eyes. "You- you can't die! This isn't right! James wouldn't want this!"

"I don't care!" Jefferson growled, "I can't do this without him!"

James made a deep noise from behind them, Alex gasped and reached for the gun that he had dropped in his scramble to stop Jefferson. Alex looked up just in time to see James slink forward on unstable legs, his head rolled to the side, blood pouring from the bite mark on his arm. His mouth hung open slightly, pink drool sliding down his chin as he stared down at them with hungry eyes. Alex felt himself jerk backwards, his eyes snapping shut.

 _BANG!_   _BANG!_

For a split, horrifying moment, Alex thought that he had shot Thomas Jefferson. His mind had short-circuited and it took him perhaps a moment too long to realize what had just happened. The rifle was no longer in his hands; Jefferson had ripped it out of his grip and done the job himself.

Once again, James dropped to the floor. Only this time, he wouldn't be getting back up. Alex stared in horror at the limp body before them, still warm. Alex swallowed hard, his hands reaching up to cover his mouth. He closed his eyes, but that didn't stop the images flashing in his mind.

Alex pulled his knees up to his chest; wrapping his arms around his knees. He peeked out from his hiding spot and watched with silent tears as Jefferson slowly set the rifle back down. He crawled carefully up to the body. He wrapped his arms around James' shoulders and pulled the dead man up to his chest. Alex blinked hard, biting down on his hand as Jefferson gently brushed the blood and tears off James' cheek. All of Jefferson's movements were stunted, almost jerky, as he was no doubt trying to function with no engine.

Time seemed to slow as the sharp wind cut though the road; blowing Alex's hair and freezing his skin. Alex flinched hard at the sudden deep wail that escaped Jefferson's lips. It was a kind of pain he had never heard before; not even when he was in the hurricane in Nevis. He sat there, like a stone, trying to absorb the unimaginable.

It can't be real. It can't be. James was the one who was supposed to survive this. He was the smart one; the safe one; the one who always had a plan. He wasn't damaged or irrational or impulsive like Alex and Jefferson. He was supposed to be the winner of this shitty game they've been thrown into. How could this have happened? It should've been him. He should've been the one to get bit; get shot. It should be his dead body laying on the cold, dirty ground. He failed at even this simple task.

All at once, the world fell into silence, and Alex didn't know how to turn the volume back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come yell at me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)!


	14. And I Pray...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and actions. Nothing too bad happens, but they discuss it a bit.

Have you ever braced for a pothole that ended up being unimpactful? You can see it coming up on the road; and the clock counts down the seconds it takes for you to get closer, closer, closer, to impact. You tighten your grip on the wheel; you grit your teeth; brace yourself, this'll be a big one. For a split second; you wonder if you could swirve and miss it; move to another lane; but it's during heavy traffic and it'd be safest to just face this monster head on. Maybe you stop talking or singing along to the radio, expecting the car to go flying into the air on impact - but it doesn't. Your wheels glide over it gracefully, you don't even notice the pothole was there. A false alarm.

This wasn't like that.

The pothole that Alex hit wasn't clear to his sight until seconds before and he had nowhere to turn. He had no expectations because the idea that a pothole that big existing was ludicrous to him. So, unprepared, he runs straight into the beast; and his car flips; spiraling out of control; spinning down a hill; crushing metal and glass alike as it rolls It's over so quick that he's not even sure it really happened. If it weren't for the pain in his chest, he would think that he imagined it all.

He crawls out from under the car with no visible damage. Not a scratch in sight; for the pain he feels is so much deeper than his skin. The pothole that he hit was one that didn't care for bruises or scraped knees. It was out for the blood of a different kind; the soul, the joy, the peace of mind that one takes advantage of until it's gone.

This pothole would never be filled with cement. It was beyond repair, just like Alexander.

* * *

They bury James next to the dirt road, under an oak tree. Alex wasn't sure if it was wise for them to stick around the area long enough to finish the task, but he wasn't going to deny Jefferson this. They stay there until Jefferson silently decides that it's time to move on. He stands up from where he was kneeling by James' grave, and he walked past Alex without batting an eye.

"Thomas?" Alex asked, jogging to catch up with him. Thomas was carrying everything, save for Alex's backpack; he had both his bag and James' and the rifle. Alex wanted to comment on it, but he wasn't sure this was the right time to do so. Thomas didn't look at him, didn't stop to wait for him, didn't do anything except to keep marching forward on the dirt road that his best friend had died on.

He needed time, Alex knew this. But he wasn't sure how much time either of them had, and he didn't want what they had left to be filled with dispayer. Even still, he couldn't push the other man. He'd let him cope, however he needs to.

They walked in silence; looked for zombies in silence; watched the leaves fall in silence.

* * *

They had been traveling for a few hours, and now Alex found them on top of a hill. The forest had opened up a little bit to show a small farming town, something lost to time. It was strange; Alex never expected this kind of stuff to be scattered around New York - he had no doubt they were still in New York, the state seemed to last forever.

The sun was starting it's decent downwards; and soon the sky would be painted red with the blood of the angels that had lost the battle today. Alex glanced back at the forest they had just walked out of, it seemed dark and looming now that they weren't under it's grasp. He sighed, looking back to Thomas. He had a job to do; a mission.

Suddenly, Alex held out his hand, stopping Thomas in his tracks. "Thomas." He said, his gaze flicking up to stare at the other man. Thomas took the expression in stride, barely blinking at him. "We need to talk."

Thomas lets out a soft sigh out of his nose, but turns to fully face him. He raised an expectant eyebrow; a signal for Alex to continue.

Alex took a deep breath, preparing himself. He had been thinking about this for the past few hours, and it needed to be done, even though he really really  _really_  didn't want to have this discussion. He figured he'd start with the simple stuff.

"Okay, well." Alex muttered, his voice gaining in volume a bit as he carried on, "First thing's first: I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. I've lost so many people I love…" Alex nervously trailed off at Thomas' unimpressed expression.  _Yes, obviously,_  It said,  _Everyone we know is dead_. Alex fumbled forward, his skill of being a wordsmith failing him, "So, just keep that in mind. I'm here for you and stuff."

Thomas rolled his eyes, sighing in annoyance.

Alex carried on, not deterred in the slightest, "I miss him, too. He was a good friend of mine, and… and I honestly, genuinely, miss him."

He's not even mad that the man outed him anymore. That seemed like a stupid thing, now that the man was buried. Alex's heart ached, but he was sure that Thomas' was broken in half.

"Number two," Alex said, rubbing the back of his neck, "You don't have to talk. I, uh, noticed that you haven't said anything in hours, and that's okay. I get that way, too, sometimes. So did my daughter, Angie. You don't have to speak ever again, if you don't want to. I get it. I'll even teach you sign, like I did with James."

Thomas quickly glanced at him and then looked away, the only sign that he was paying attention. Alex couldn't tell if he was interested in the offer of learning sign language, or if he was just upset at hearing James' name spoken so casually.

All of this brings Alex to his last topic, the one he was trying to avoid, "Number three…"

Alex felt his anxieties rise, his chest tightening and his mouth going dry. He hated this, he hated it. He didn't want to talk about, didn't want to think about it. But Thomas was looking at him expectantly and there was no backing out now. It had to be done.

"I want your knife." Alex stated as calm as he could manage. Thomas' eyebrows shot up in surprise, he reached down and felt the knife in his pocket, his eyes never leaving Alex's face. Alex took a deep breath and forced himself not to back down, "I'm not going to steal it from you or force you to give it to me, but … I would like it - I would feel better if it was no longer in your possession."

Thomas stared at him, his eyes squinting a little, but Alex wasn't sure if it was in thought or anger. He tried to keep his voice as non-threatening as possible as he spoke, "After what you did with James… putting your wrist in a zombie's mouth … you're lucky that James wasn't fully changed yet. Thomas, you would be dead right now if James hadn't tried to push you away."

Alex flinched, hearing Thomas' panicked, frustrated shouting echo through his mind, ' _Bite me! Bite me you son of a bitch!_ '

He looked away and licked his lips, "That's not good. I'll let you keep the gun, because it'd be kinda hard to shoot yourself with a rifle, but… just know I'll be watching you. And, and I don't want you to think I don't trust you, because I do. This is me, trusting you, to be honest with me and make the right choice. If you think you can handle having the knife on you, then, you can keep it. But if you have even the slightest doubt … I would like it if you gave me the knife."

When Alex looked back, Thomas wasn't looking at him anymore. The man was staring down at his feet, the knife in his hands. He fiddled with the handle, his eyes glazed over a bit. Alex held his breath, terrified of what Thomas will do. If he keeps the knife, that means that there's nothing to fear, the man is in no danger of harming himself (or he's lying, but Alex doesn't want to think about that). If he gives the knife to Alex, then that means that he's already thought of or done the act of harming himself; which is something Alex never wants to think about again.  
"Thomas, please, I've seen what those disgusting scars look like first hand." Alex's fingers brushed against his chest, he swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, "I don't want you to end up like … like that."

 _Like me_.

"But if I'm being stupid, if this isn't going to be a problem," Alex said, "then keep the knife."

Thomas closed his eyes; his lips trembling slightly and his shoulders shaking, as he handed the knife over to Alexander. Alex felt a pit fall deep from his chest. It was an admission; a confession. Alex's fingers stiffly wrapped around the knife, unable to tear his gaze away from Thomas' face. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat. That's why he asked for it. He needed to know, now he does. He shoved the knife deep into his pocket, where no one will touch it.

"Thank you." It was whispered, and he wasn't even sure if Thomas heard it. The man stepped around him and continued walking, keeping his head low. Alex watched him as he got further and further away with each step.

The knife was a heavy weight in his pocket, and Alex knew he would have to fight to keep his fingers off of it. How counteractive would that be; taking a weapon away from one suicidal idiot and letting it fall straight into the hands of another?

He wished James was here. There always has to be someone to hold the knife.

* * *

The little farm town was maybe not so much of a town, as it was three buildings that were in the same vicinity of each other. There was a house, a barn, and a church. A wooden fence wrapped around the field surrounding the barn. Three dirt roads met in the center of the town and then led off into the distance. It was kinda cute, Alex thought.

They strolled through the buildings easily; taking time to look at the old wood and chipped paint. The wind was lazy, causing the long grass to sway in time. Alex led the way into the little white church. The doors were propped open, and Alex easily slipped between them.

There were eight pews in total; two rows of four, with an aisle in between them. The interior was a beautiful old feel to it, with dark wooden beams. Alex couldn't tell what the stain glass windows were supposed to be. They might've been angels, at some point, but the colors had faded and some of the glass panes were missing. A bird chirped from one of the ceiling poles, a nest settled just barely out of sight. A dead body sat slumped over in the last pew, it was so peaceful looking, Alex could've almost tricked himself into thinking the person was just asleep. At the front of the church, hanging on the wall, was a huge painting of Jesus on the cross. Someone had slashed at the painting, tearing the canvas, where Jesus' feet were supposed to be.

Alex slowly walked forward, feeling the sunlight flutter across his face from through the window panes. He knelt down on his knees, staring up at the giant Jesus above him. He was silent for a moment, a calm washing over him.

There was a shuffling behind him, and Alex looked over his shoulder to see Thomas, staring down at him.

"Can I pray for you?" Alex asked quietly. The question spilled out of him without any thought; like he was possessed to say it. He never really thought he'd be the type to do such a thing. Yes, he was Christian, and he and Eliza would go to church with the kids; but he was also the kind of person who would avoid eye contact with the people handing out free pocket bibles on college campuses. Times are changing, he supposed.

Thomas glanced away, but shrugged. He sat down next to Alex on the floor and watched as the immigrant folded his hands and prayed.

"Dear Lord, we don't know why You've done this; but we know that Your plan is bigger than us. I pray that You help us along our journey; that You give us the strength to carry on, even when You test us so. I ask for You to give Thomas the ability to move forward, and the peace of mind knowing that James is watching over us; ensuring our safety. That Martha and Minnie Martha are finally safe and free in Your kingdom; that they hold no ill will for what he had done. Lord, I pray that You ease our minds in any way You can. Send us a sign that we're doing the right thing,  _please_ , Lord… In Jesus' name we pray, amen."

Alex looked up to see Thomas watching him with a strange expression. They were quiet for a moment, Alex not wanting to break the silence. The air was strange around them, not necessarily thick, but there was a noticeable difference in the atmosphere. Thomas held out his hand, and Alex looked down at it.

He gasped a little, "Where did you…?"

Sitting in Thomas' hand was a beautiful rosary, with dark wooden beads and a little cross. Alex lifted it out of Thomas' hand gently, his fingers brushing against the old wood. It was used and worn; clearly someone devout had used this for years. Alex held it close to his chest and looked up at Thomas, repeating his question, "Where did you get this?"

Thomas nodded over to the dead body in the back pew. Alex frowned a little, but decided that the little necklace had done its job for that person; and now it was Alex's turn.

"Well, this is a rosary, and they're Catholic." Alex said slowly, looking back to Thomas, "And I'm Christian. But, I still appreciate it. Thank you."

When Alex carefully put on the necklace, Thomas' lips quirked up in what could've been a smile. Alex was going to take it. Baby steps, this kind of thing takes time; that's all they have left, it seems.

They stood up and walked out of the church, Alex turned back to give the sanctuary one last glance. His eyes lingered on the painting of Jesus on the cross that hung in the front. He can only hope that his Lord is watching over him now. Otherwise, what chance did he have?

"Oh, aren't you just the most beautiful thing ever?" Thomas said.

Alex's heart skipped a beat and he wasn't sure if it was just because Thomas was speaking again or if it was because of what was said. He scratched at his cheek, a little embarrassed. He turned around, saying, "Well, thank-"

Thomas wasn't talking to him. The man was kneeled on the ground, petting a very excited yellow lab. It had a bright red collar, and one of it's toes was brown instead of blonde. Alex's cheeks darkened as he realized that the complement was not for him at all. He desperately hoped that Thomas hadn't heard him.

"You're so pretty," the southerner cooed, his hands never leaving the dog's fluffy fur. "Oh, a good, girl, very good girl."  
Alex paused and took one last look at the Jesus painting. He had asked God for something to help Thomas through this. Was this dog a guide? Something given to them to help provide strength?

Thomas was fiddling with the red collar, looking for a name tag, "What's your name, girl? Huh? What're y'all called?"

The collar had no identification marks, so they had no way of knowing what the dog's original name was. It didn't seem to matter to the dog any, her butt would not stop wagging. She barked and tried to lick Thomas, who laughed and gently pushed her away.

"I'm gonna call you Chien! Do you like that, huh?" Thomas asked, holding his hand out to Chien, who licked at his fingers.

Alex snorted, "Really? You wanna name her 'Dog'?"

"Yup." Thomas popped the 'p' at the end of the word, his eyes never leaving the animal. "Her name is Chien and I love her."

Alex couldn't stop smiling at the pure joy Thomas got from seeing the dog. He wasn't sure which one was happier, Chien or Thomas. Briefly, Alex wondered how long Chien had been wandering around this little farm, waiting for her owners to come back. The thought made his heart sink. He made a decision right then, they were definitely keeping the dog.

Chien excitedly lead them to the farm house. She showed no fear in entering through the open door, which led them to believe that there was no threat of zombies inside. Still, Alex stayed behind Thomas, who held the rifle at the ready. The house was empty; except for Chien, who hopped up on the couch and laid down.

They did their usual routine of searching for food and water through dead strangers' kitchens. They found just enough to have a decent meal, or, decent in their standards. Thomas filled up a small bowl with the rest of their lake/toilet water and put it on the ground for Chien. While they were searching for food, Alex found a bag of dog food in the pantry, which they put into a bowl as well.

Chien ate like she was starving, which she probably was. Thomas happily patted her head while she gobbled down the dog food and water.

While wandering around the house, Alex found the bathroom. He took a moment to step inside and check to see if they had any water. He flicked the faucet, but nothing came out. He huffed, but he wasn't surprised. He was hoping that this little farm house would have it's own generator, but it appeared not. He paused, catching his reflection in the mirror. It was strange, lately, seeing himself. It felt like every time he saw his own face, something had drastically changed; not in structure, but in miniscule details. He looked older than he really was; tired and dirty.

His eyes had sunken in slightly, and his jaw and cheekbones seemed a little sharper. He frowned as he realized it - he had lost weight. Like, a  _lot_ of weight. Shakily, he raised his shirt just high enough to see his stomach in the mirror. What had used to be a little soft and pudgy was now missing. He could count his rips, seeing the outline of each of them. His hipbones were pronounced, jutting out in comparison. He didn't even  _want_  to know how small his breasts were now. Yes, he wanted them gone, but not through starvation. All he knew was that his binder was almost comfortable, instead of compressing. These were the kinds of things that only he would notice.

At the beginning of all of this, he had a loved body; one that was fed well with the food from his wife. That was gone now; he was walking with a new body; one that had never known Eliza's touch. It was jarring. Alex felt dizzy for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, forcing himself to not think too deeply about these things.

Alex dropped his shirt back down and left, joining Thomas back outside in the main room.

Before too long, they found the bedroom and got ready for the night. The bed looked clean enough, and they didn't really have any more options. For a second, Alex thought about the night in the cabin, when they cuddled up with each other while they slept. He found himself hoping that this would be like that night.

It wasn't. Thomas stayed on his side of the bed, curled up on himself and didn't speak to him for the rest of the night. Alex's heart sank; he wished he knew what the other man was thinking. Did he upset him?

Alex stayed on his side of the bed. Before he fell asleep, he could feel Chien jump up on the bed with them. She found a very comfortable spot between her two new friends and promptly fell asleep with her nose by Thomas' hair and her tail on Alex's leg. Despite everything, Alex smiled and gently pet the animal until he drifted off as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	15. Let's Ride!

Alex woke up to Chien barking. He sat up instantly, his heart in his throat as he prepared to fight for his life. In his slumber, he had forgotten about their new buddy, and was startled nearly to death at the sound of her.

"Shh, god, what's wrong, Chien?" Alex asked, petting the dog. She was standing on the bed, and when she noticed Alex was awake, she climbed over to stand over him and keep barking. "Shut up, Jesus."

The dog jumped off the bed and whined. Alex slowly crawled out of bed and looked over to Thomas' still sleeping form. How he managed to stay asleep through that is a miracle. The other man was curled away from him, like he hadn't moved at all during the night. Alex took a second to watch him, his heart sinking a little at the sight. He could only imagine how upset the man was.

Chien trotted out the room and barked until Alex followed her. He was led to the little bowl that they had set on the ground for Chien. It was licked clean by a demanding consumer. Alex sighed, rubbing his eyes, and poured some more dog food into the bowl. For a second, he thought about just dropping the bag of dog food onto the floor and letting Chien go at it. But then he realized that the animal would eat everything now, since she has no concept of rationing. He made sure to leave the bag out of reach of the dog.

He sat and watched Chien eat as he nibbled on stale saltines. He closed his eyes for a minute and imagined what this house was like three months ago; alive and lived in. Chien would've been well-fed, and happy. A farming family that rose early and came to bed late; who liked food from scratch, and slow music. He could feel the warm sun on his skin and hear the birds chirp in the distance. He sighed softly, wishing that he could go back to that time; where things were better.

After Chien finished eating, the sun was high in the sky, and Alex decided that they'd better get a move on, unless they planned to stay here for forever. He slowly made his way back to the bedroom, curious as to what was taking Thomas so long to wake. He was usually one of the first ones up, his nightmares kept him awake most nights.

"Thomas?" Alex called softly, standing in the doorway. Chien walked past him, her tail wagging. She jumped up on the bed and sat down, panting. Thomas didn't move. "Thomas? It's time to get up."

Alex crept closer, making his way around the bed until he was able to look down at the other man. He frowned a little bit when he noticed that Thomas was very much awake. His eyes were open and he was staring at the wall in front of him. Alex knelt down in front of him so they were at eye-level. He let out a soft sigh as Thomas didn't even seem to see him.

"Thomas…? Can you sit up for me? We need to get moving soon." Alex said, his voice imploring.

Thomas blinked, and Alex could see a tear slowly roll down his cheek. The man had been crying, if the clear tear streaks were anything to go by. Alex reached up hesitantly, unsure if his touch would be wanted, and brushed away the moisture there.

"Shh, it's going to be alright." Alex whispered, "I know it's hard. But you're strong, you'll be okay."

Alex wanted to cheer when Thomas' gaze refocused and he glanced up to stare into his eyes, instead of at the chipping paint. Thomas let out a long, deep sigh, and Alex could only mimic him. Despite having just woken up, the man looked so tired. Alex wanted nothing more than to curl up with him and stay in bed until starvation or a zombie ended them. But he couldn't, because James wouldn't've wanted that.

"Can you sit up?" Alex asked again.

Thomas shifted, closing his eyes and forcing his arms under him. Alex watched as the man slowly sat up, his head hung low. Alex was now looking up at him, leaning forward a bit so that he could make eye contact with the other man.

"Good." He praised, reaching up to rub Thomas' thighs comfortingly. He halted, however, before he could really touch the other man, due to the fact that Thomas wasn't wearing his prosthetic. As soon as he realized it, he tore his gaze away. Was it rude to stare? He didn't know. He didn't want to make Thomas feel any worse. Alex instantly felt awkward, pulling his hands close to his chest so there'd be no accidental touching. "Uh- do you need help putting on your…?"

Thomas stared at him, blinking slowly. After a moment's pause, he shook his head, back and forth, minutely. Alex swallowed and nodded, feeling his ears turn red.

"Right, okay." Alex said, "I'll, um, be waiting in the kitchen? If you're not down in twenty minutes or so, I'm going to come back and check on you, so, uh, yeah. I'll see you in a bit." Alex fumbled, scrambling away. He left the room, closing the door behind him. He took a deep breath and tried to steady his beating heart. Why was he so awkward around Thomas all of a sudden? Yeah, he didn't really know how to act about the leg thing; but, surely, that wouldn't make him this nervous. Would it?

Alex shook his head and forced himself not to think about it. He sat back down in the kitchen, and after a few minutes of waiting, he realized that he didn't actually know what time it was. In fact, he had no real way of measuring time. Thomas could've already been there for twenty minutes, he had no idea. He didn't have a watch. He watched the clouds outside the window and decided he'd wait until he grew impatient. But he knew he wasn't very good at patience; so he told himself he'd wait a little longer after that.

The  _tap tap tap_  of Chien's paws were the only warning Alex had that Thomas was entering the room. The man's own footsteps were near silent.

"Eat some saltines." Alex said, pushing the half-full package of stale crackers over. "It's not much, but…"

Thomas did not eat the saltines. Thomas didn't do anything except walk past him to look out the window. He stood there in silence, his gaze distant. Alex chewed his lip, wondering how to best move forward. Thomas needed to eat, but he didn't want to force the other man. Especially not when he couldn't verbally defend himself. Alex knew how that felt, and he didn't want to purposefully corner the other man. Sighing to himself, Alex decided that he'd wait, and convince Thomas to eat later today.

"North is that way, if you still want to go to Canada…" Alex said, moving to stand beside Thomas. As expected, he got no response. Thomas looked down at him and then turned, walking away from the window. Alex watched as he packed their small amount of stuff into their bags, including the dog food, and put them on his back. He reached down to pet Chien and then walked towards the front door. Alex scrambled to grab his bag and follow after him.

A voice deep in Alex's mind whispered about following behind Thomas like a lost puppy, but he - strangely - didn't feel too upset about the idea.

As soon as they were outside, Chien started ran off down the road. She turned around, ran back to them, and then down the road again; barking all the while. Alex and Thomas glanced at each other, shrugged, and walked after the dog. She led them towards the barn, barking and jumping around in excitement.

She slipped between the open barn doors, leaving Alex and Thomas to climb in after her. Thomas stepped into the barn first, raising his rifle, just in case. Alex shuffled in next, glancing behind them as they went.

The barn had no windows, but a part of the ceiling was cracked, so enough light shone through to see by. Alex peered into the darkness to see Chien, standing a few feet ahead of them, wagging her tail happily. She was looking up at something, but Alex couldn't tell what.

Thomas let out a soft gasp, and Alex turned to look at him. "What is it?"

Thomas was grinning, a smile that surprised Alex, given the man's earlier gloom mood. Thomas handed the rifle to Alex and walked towards Chien, holding his hands out. Alex frowned, still confused, and moved forward, trying to get a better look.

Something whined loudly, and Alex recognized the noise. "A horse?"

Thomas nodded, his hands on the horse's face, brushing it's short hair. He was still smiling, and Alex felt himself relaxing.

"Darlin', did you know we were gonna travel?" Thomas hummed. His voice seemed different, quiet and unsure, even though it was clearly pleased. He looked down at Chien, who barked wildly. "Yes, you didn't want us to walk, did ya? Introduced us to your friend?"

Alex watched as Thomas opened the horse's gate just enough to step inside the stall with it. He stepped closer to see Thomas put the saddle and reigns onto the horse. Alex shifted nervously, "I've never ridden a horse before."

Thomas glanced at him as he led the horse out into the main part of the barn. He shrugged, mumbling, "S'not hard."

Alex wondered how Thomas could be so warm and joyous when speaking to animals, but closed off and quiet when speaking to him. He tried to not let it bother him. He failed.

 _He needs time_. He told himself.  _He needs time_.

Thomas tugged on the horse's reigns enough so the animal ducked its head. Thomas pointed at his leg, "Do you see this? This isn't human. Here, smell it. It smells weird, right? All complex and metal? Yeah. That means you gotta be careful with me, okay? I can't fall off horses like I used to."

Alex smiled as Thomas spoke to the horse. He guessed he didn't mind being in the background for a while, which was really strange for him, but for Thomas, it weirdly didn't bother him. He let out a soft sigh and covered his smile with his hand as Thomas patted the horse's head.

"You're a good one, ain't ya? Y'all're calm, I can tell. You won't be no trouble." Thomas praised the horse.

 _God, he's adorable_. Alex thought. His smile suddenly dropped off his face. Wait.  _Adorable_? No. No no no no. Thomas wasn't  _adorable_. Thomas was  _hot_  or  _sexy_  or  _attractive_. He wasn't  _adorable_. Because adorable, to Alex at least, was an adjective for someone's personality, while the rest of the ones he listed were purely physical. That's all his little attraction to Thomas was supposed to be: physical. Eye candy. That's all Thomas was. He wasn't supposed to start to like Thomas for his personality. He wasn't supposed to be adorable, no siree, not at all.

Why would Alex think that? It must've been an intrusive thought; something he couldn't control. He didn't  _really_  think that, right? He was just hungry and dehydrated and tired, that's all. His mind wasn't working right.

Alex looked up at saw Thomas smile, and his face instantly flushed red. Oh  _shit_. It hit him, he knew what the electricity in his chest meant. He was very familiar with the gentle waves in his stomach. He knew what it was.

Alexander Hamilton had a crush.

A crush?! A fucking crush!? What was he, thirteen? God, how did it come to this?!

He stared down at his boots, his lips pressed together. He knew his face was red as he rushed through this realization. He had a crush on Thomas Jefferson. When did this start to happen? It wasn't when they first met, on that rooftop. No, he'd only thought the guy was hot, then. What about when they sang and danced together? Did Alex have a crush on him then? He didn't know! He couldn't remember! If he did have a crush, he wasn't aware of it. But now he was very  _very_  aware of the fact.

An image rushed to his mind of him and Thomas holding hands, such a simple, innocent act, and he thought he was going to choke on air. How the hell was he going to properly function around Thomas now? John used to love to joke about how Alex became a blushing schoolboy around his crushes. He was a mess and he was always so  _obvious_  about it, too. Thomas would figure out his feelings in an instant.

He felt - happy? Nervous beyond belief? Terrified? He couldn't even tell what emotions were rattling around his chest. He swallowed hard and shifted his weight anxiously. His hand reached up to fiddle with his rosary - the rosary  _Thomas_  gave him. He glanced up at Thomas, who was now hooking up some kind of wagon to the horse. Suddenly, he was struck with the thought -  _would he ever even like me_?

When Alex was much younger, before he realized he was trans, he spent a lot of time wondering if he was pretty. He knew he wasn't. He knew he wasn't a cute child; no one would ever fall in love with him. Then he went through puberty, and he got a little more attractive, but it didn't help his self-confidence at all. Then he started transitioning and went through puberty again, and only  _then_  did he look in the mirror and think himself as handsome. Now, as he watches Thomas, he feels like that child again; well aware of how ugly he was in comparison to his peers.

"Are you ready?"

Alex looked up to see Thomas watching him. He froze, his mind going blank. He stared into Thomas' eyes, and all he could do was mentally scream at himself,  _LOOK AT HOW GORGEOUS HE IS! HE'S SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON! PROTECT AT ALL COSTS! AAAAAHHH!_

Alex's face grew a dark red and he resisted the urge to squirm. He tore his gaze away and muttered intelligently, "Um."

Thomas smiled, walking over to him, "Don't be scared. It won't hurt you."

"Uh-" Alex's eyes widened the closer Thomas got. "I-"

"Here, I'll help you up." Thomas said, gently pulling Alex next to the horse. Alex couldn't find any words to say as Thomas instructed him on where to put his foot and how to hoist himself up onto the horse's back. Alex properly got on the saddle, with minimum help, thank you very much. Thomas stayed on the ground, he grabbed all of their supply bags and plonked them onto the wagon behind the horse. "Is this too much, darlin?"

"M' fine." Alex mumbled to himself, unable to turn and look at Thomas. His face was burning, but it appeared as though he didn't speak loud enough; Thomas didn't respond to him.

Once again, the man was speaking to an animal and not Alex. Thomas walked up to stand in the horse's line of sight and continued speaking, "Is it too much weight? Don't worry, we won't go fast. You can just trot along, alright?"

The horse snorted loudly, and Thomas seemed to take that as an affirmative. He grabbed the horse's reigns and walked forward, slowly leading them to the barn doors. He opened the doors wide enough to fit the wagon through, and then walked back up to Alex.

"You doing okay?" He asked.

"Me or the horse?" Alex responded. He wasn't going to keep making this mistake.

Thomas' lips quirked up a little and he said, "You."

Alex shifted a little bit, nervous not to lose his balance. "Um. It's strange. I don't really like not having my feet on the ground. And it's weird to suddenly be so tall - don't smile like that, I'm serious." Alex grumbled.

"Are you scared?" Thomas asked. He wasn't mocking; his tone was concerned. It comforted Alex enough to be able to tell the truth. He fiddled with his rosary and mumbled, "Yeah? Kinda?"

Thomas paused for a second, watching him. Then he pressed a hand to Alex's lower back, saying, "Here, scoot forward."

Alex did as he was told and twisted a little to watch Thomas. "What are you-" He stopped talking once he realized what was happening. Thomas slowly pulled himself up and swung his good leg around until he was sitting on the saddle with Alex. There wasn't exactly a whole lot of space on the saddle for the both of them, and so that meant that they ended up being pressed close together; Alex practically in Thomas' lap.

"Now you won't fall." Thomas said, his voice right by Alex's ear, "I'll catch you."

Alex let out a soft squeak, and nodded mutely. He didn't know what to do anymore. Because Thomas's chest was pressed against his back; warm and comforting. And Alex liked Thomas now. How the  _fuck_  was he going to survive this?

"I got this," Thomas said, taking the reins from Alex's hands, "This is a vehicle I don't mind driving."

That was all fine and dandy, except for the fact that this now meant that Thomas had his arms under Alex's, pressed against his sides, almost like a hug. Alex didn't know where to put his hands, awkwardly keeping them close to his chest.

Thomas nudged the horse a little with his foot and suddenly they were moving forward. Alex wasn't expecting the movement; he hissed out a breath and grabbed Thomas' wrists without thinking. Thomas chuckled a little and Alex could feel the rumble of his chest on his back.

"Don't worry; I got ya." Thomas murmured. Then he voice was slightly further away, he turned to look down at the dog that had been watching them, "Chien, you coming?"

The dog barked and ran around them in a large circle, not spooking the horse in the slightest. The bigger animal was clearly used to her. Briefly, Alex wondered if the two were friends. Thomas directed the horse to go down the path that lead north, down the worn roads and out into the wilderness once more. The only sound was of the horse's footsteps; Chien's occasional barking; and the wagon rattling behind them. It was actually … kinda peaceful. Alex felt himself lean back a little and relax into the warm embrace behind him.

It was actually really nice to not have to walk. They just had to sit there and the horse would do all the work for them. The animal must've had a fair supply of hay in it's barn, because it didn't seem nearly as hungry as Chien was. Alex was thankful for that.

Thomas didn't speak much again; they fell into a silence. Alex would say it was comfortable; but he honestly didn't know if it was or not. He was still a little panicked about the fact that he was apparently  _in like_  with Thomas and no one  _informed_ him of this little fact. He was sure Thomas' silence wasn't the of the relaxed variety, either. He couldn't twist around to look at him - far too risky, definitely would fall and die - but he was sure that the distant look was back in Thomas' eye. Alex could almost feel it in the way the southerner sat ridgedly behind him.

A small fishing hook wrapped itself around Alex's heart and  _pulled_  sharply. He frowned and looked down at his hands, curious as to how he could fix this. Deep down, he knew this wasn't something he could just  _fix_. Thomas was going to be sad for a while. That's just how these things work. Nothing he could do would change that.

But that doesn't mean he won't try.

"Do you want to know the story now?" Alex asked softly, his fingers hesitantly tapping on Thomas' wrists to get his attention, "Of how I met my wife?"

Thomas shifted a little behind him and that's how Alex knew he was paying attention. He tightened his grip on the reins; Alex could see the veins in his hands; his fingers curled around the ropes. Alex felt a shiver run down his spine when Thomas' breath brushed across his neck. He spoke in a voice so quiet, Alex almost didn't hear it. "'Kay."

Alex took a deep breath, "You can't laugh. Well, I mean, you can. Eliza laughs about it sometimes. But. Okay. Here we go. It was my sophomore year of college."

* * *

It was New Years Eve, and Alex was alone. Normally, that wouldn't bother him. He was never really into the holiday, seeing as how time is a human invention, pointless and inconsistent; and New Year's resolutions are arbitrary. But for whatever reason, this year, Alex wanted to celebrate it.

Maybe it was because it was his first full year in America, and he was doing fantastic at college. Maybe it was because he would soon be turning twenty, a feat he never thought he'd concour. Maybe it was just because he  _deserved_  to party, dammit. Regardless of the reasoning, Alex wanted to go out and enjoy his night.

"No, Alex, I won't go clubbing with you." John sighed for the fourth time that afternoon. He was laying down on his bed, scrolling through his phone boredly.

Alex whined and flopped down across John's lap, causing the other man to whimper. "Why not? I thought we were buddies! Amigos! Meilleurs amis!"

John scrubbed his hands over his face, dropping his phone next to him. He groaned and sat up to the best of his ability, "Okay, okay. I wasn't going to tell you until  _afterwards_ , but I can't go and party with you tonight because I'm inviting a boy over."

Alex frowned, twisting around to look John in the eye, "A boy? Like, a  _boy_  boy?"

"Yeah, a  _boy_  boy." John rolled his eyes while smiling like a dork. "A really  _cute boy_ boy."

Alex sat up, shifting on John's bed so they were face each other. "What do you mean by 'inviting a boy over'? What kind of boy is this? Is it someone I know? Is this just a one night thing, or something more? Do I have to threaten him? I'm very good at threatening."

John's cheeks darkened, bringing out his freckles. He couldn't make eye contact as he mumbled, "No, you don't have to threaten him. His name's Herc, and he's in my figure drawing class. And, uh, it might just be a one night thing, but I want - I want it to not be?"

Alex paused, he sat back a little and watched his friend, "You're going to be careful, right?"

"Yeah, of course." John said, "Don't worry, it won't be like last time."

"Okay. But if you even  _think_  this thing is gonna go south, I wanna know immediately." Alex said, "We don't want you to fall back into that toxic mindset."

"No, yeah, I know." John wouldn't look at him now. He took a small breath and said, "Don't worry. This one's different."

"I'm just lookin out for you." Alex said, holding his hands up in defense.

"I know. Thanks, Alex." John smiled a little.

Alex broke out into a smile and clapped John's back, "I'll admit, I'd rather you come party with me, but  _hell yeah_ , John,  _get some_!"

"Shut the fuck up." John mumbled, hiding his red face his hands. Alex could see he was grinning uncontrollably. The tense air had dissipated, and now they were just friends goofing around again.

Alex sat back, still smiling, "Seriously though, I'm proud of you, I know asking guys out isn't your forte."

"Gee, thanks." John deadpanned. Neither of them mentioned the real reason why John had been reluctant to start dating again.

Alex cackled and checked his watch, "When's he coming over?"

"In two hours."

"That gives me just enough time to get ready and skedaddle." Alex said, rolling off John's bed. He winked at him and added, "Unless you'd like to add a little Carribean to your night?"

"Go away, Al."

Alex laughed, leaving John's room. As he got to the door, John's phone rang. He picked it up, and Alex paused to look back at him. John's face was already red as he sputtered, "He-hello? Hey! Hi! Um, yeah, yeah totally. We're definitely still on for tonight! Uh-huh. I'll text you my address. Oh! Uh - wine is fine? I like red. Okay, cool!"

Alex smiled at John's expression. The boy was clutching his phone to his ear with both hands, a wide smile across his face, his eyes alight. His light blush went halfway down his neck, and his knee was bouncing nervously.

He must really like this boy. Alex just hoped it was for all the right reasons.

Not long later, he posed in front of John, showing off his dark jeans and his sleek shirt. John gushed over how hot he looked, confirming that his jacket went with his boots, before they took selfies and Alex grabbed his wallet and left.

The club he ended up at was a gay bar. He didn't decide to go there, it just sort of happened. He didn't mind, though. The flashing lights and unironic Lady Gaga song was exactly the kind of mood he was in. When he saw some drag queens take body shots, he knew he was in for a great night.

He might've spent two, maybe three hours, just grinding on random guys and accepting drinks. He shouted lyrics until his throat hurt and he stumbled over to the bar to get a glass of water. After flirting with the bartender and getting nowhere, Alex took a second to check his phone.

No new messages, but he did have a few twitter notifications. He mindlessly squinted at the small text, taking a bit too long to decipher the words. Oh yeah. He was just a little teeny tiny bit drunk.

Apparently John had posted one of their selfies and tagged him in it. Nice. John was right, he looked  _good._  Although, after three hours of drinking and dancing, he probably looked a wreck. His chest hurt and he knew that if he wasn't drunk, he'd be dying of pain, but that's the price of partying.

A smooth voice startled him out of his revere, "You abandoned me, mon chou."

Alex looked up to see a tall man with dark skin. His curly hair was pulled back into a bun; he was wearing a white shirt that stretched thin against his muscular chest and ripped jeans. Alex took a moment to remember who he was, before he realized that this was one of the men he'd been grinding against all night.

"I'm thirsty." Alex said, smiling apologetically.

"Aren't we all?" The man coo'd, his gaze unabashedly flicking up and down Alex's body. "How has your night been going, chou?"

"Uh, good." Alex nodded, ready to ask the same of the other man, but he was cut off before he could return the question.

"Would you like to make it better?" He asked, a coy smile spreading across his lips. He easily grabbed Alex's hand and brought his knuckles up to his lips. "I have an empty spot in my bed about your size that's just begging to be filled."

 _Wow, that was direct_. Alex thought, but he couldn't really find it in himself to care. He's been unwantedly hit on before, and this wasn't like that. He wasn't uncomfortable or looking for the nearest exit. He found himself leaning closer to the taller man. Afterall, this guy was attractive, they were both a healthy amount of drunk, and Alex found himself a little smitten by his confidence. "Actually, yeah. Lead the way."

Alex never learned the guy's name. He was sure the guy never learned his either. But that didn't matter. What mattered was that Alex was being held up, back pressed against a wall, legs wrapped around the mysterious French guy, while lips were attacking his own.

This guy, whoever he was, was an  _amazing_  kisser. Alex would almost be satisfied with just making out all night. Almost.

Alex blindly pulled on the guy's jacket, trying to get him naked  _now_. He pulled back and chuckled at Alex's needy whine. "You are … What is the word? Edger?"

"Désireux. Eager." Alex mumbled, mouthing at the man's neck, "Je suis désireux, monsieur."

The guy purred, his eyes lighting up, "Et tu parles français! Tu es parfait!"

"Parler moins." Alex growled as he tugged on the man's clothes again, "Embrasser plus."

The man chuckled and shifted his grip on Alex's ass, moving them away from the wall and further into his apartment. Alex squeaked in surprise, but was not at all upset by the idea of being thrown around by this guy. He never realized all the potential he's wasted at not demanding that his lovers carry him, because this is  _sexy as fuck_. He supposes there are benefits to being a tiny boy.

The man lowers Alex down onto his bed. Alex takes a second to register the expensive, silky white sheets. He doesn't have much time to think about them, though, because the Frenchman was now hovering over him, pressing needy kisses to Alex's neck. Alex sighed happily and wiggled under him.

He tugged on the Frenchman's shirt again and the man chuckled darkly, pausing his kisses. "Okay, okay, I can take a hint."

Alex snorted and watched as the man sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. Alex felt his jaw drop. He knew that this guy was hot, but he wasn't expecting him to be so outlandishly gorgeous. The guy had muscles upon muscles with smooth tight skin that Alex instantly wanted to run his fingers over. He had a waxed chest, which Alex personally preferred, and a tattoo in beautiful, dark, cursive letters that looped around his heart.

Alex's eyes didn't leave the tattoo as he traced the letters with his finger. "Séparé, mais jamais seul." There was a question in his tone, curious but not willing to ask directly.

The man's gaze turned soft, "It's a reminder. My best friend and I live in different countries; he is American while I usually am in France - I'm here for a business visit. Anyway, we got these matching tattoos to remind ourselves that we are never alone."

"Are you going to see him while you're here?" Alex asked.

"I don't know." The man frowned a little, "We both have very busy schedules, and he doesn't live in New York. It'd be a long travel."

"Not as long as from France." Alex commented, "You should visit him, before you leave the country again."

The Frenchman stared at him for a moment, a smile spreading across his lips. He said, "I will." And it sounded like a promise. He gestured to Alex, "Now, it is your turn to undress?"

Alex laughed and sat up a little, "Right, right."

He didn't even think about it as he took off his shirt, his mind was a happy buzz from the leftover alcohol and the pleasant company. He didn't notice anything was wrong until he looked up at the Frenchman's face to see it in utter disarray.

"What?" Alex asked. He looked down and immediately realized his mistake. He wrapped his arms around his chest, his face on fire. He couldn't make eye contact as he sputtered, "Shit! I-I-I'm sorry, I should've said something before- I didn't- fuck- it wasn't my intention to- please don't be mad- I-I can go, I'll just-"

"Oh, baby boy…" The Frenchman sounded upset, disappointed, even. Alex squirmed, wanting to get out of his sight; wanting to put his shirt back on. His stupid, dumb, idiot ass forgot - he forgot he was trans. What kind of drunken bullshit - who forgets that kind of thing!? Alex felt his face heat up with embarrassment and he looked away from the other man. He was ready for the anger, the attack, the yelling. He was ready to be kicked out of the apartment, onto the streets, forced to walk home. He was ready for the worst. But what came out of the Frenchman's mouth was, "Do you not have a proper binder?"

Alex's gaze snapped over, he looked up in surprise, "...What?"

The man tapped Alex's chest gently, just under his collarbone, high enough to not touch anything he wasn't supposed to. "You should not use these bandages, mon ami. They will cause a great deal of damage to your ribs and spine."

"I- I know that."Alex said, sitting up a little. "I'm saving up for a binder!"

The man shook his head, "I will find you one, come morning. It will be here in no less than an hour."

"How…?" Alex asked. "And also, why?"

"Because I am a good person." The man shrugged, a small glint of cockiness in his voice. "And, worry not. I have my ways."  
Alex frowned a little, still confused, "So… do you…. Are we still gonna…?"

"Out of all of the men in that bar, it is a good thing  _I_  took you home." The man said as he pressed a kiss to Alex's cheek. "No, darling, I do not mind. Now, would it be okay if I take these horrible bandages off of you?"

Alex nodded, "Yeah, that's fine."

"If you would like your shirt back, that's understandable." The man said, "I've known a few who would rather not be reminded of their chests while I have my way with them."

Alex felt himself relax. He was in good hands; this man wasn't going to harm him; he was kind and considerate. "What- what's your name?"

"My American friends call me Lafayette." The man said. "You can scream Laf, if you'd prefer. Now, shirt - oui ou non?"

"Non." Alex laughed, "I'm Alex, by the way."

"A handsome name for a handsome boy." Lafayette purred, leaning close to him once more.

"Thanks, I picked it myself." Alex grinned, tilting his head up. They kissed and, it was kind of strange - almost intimate, how soft the man treated Alex. It didn't feel like a one night stand - dirty and rough and fast. It's careful slowness brought a blush to Alex's cheeks.

Lafayette worked to remove the ace bandages around his chest; with each circular motion, Alex felt his muscles relax and his body take inventory of it's pains. Yeah, the bandages were really a bad idea, Alex thought as his lungs screamed at him. Lafayette threw the bandages across his room with a look of disgust. He then turned to Alex and brought their lips together once more.

As they kissed, Alex let his hands roam up and down Lafayette's body. He felt the other man shiver and sigh at the contact, pressing closer and closer until every inch of them was touching. Alex doesn't know when they started grinding, moving their hips in a delicious dance, but soon he wanted more-

* * *

"Okay, I really don't need to hear your porno." Thomas interrupted, clearing his throat. At some point during Alex's story, he seemed to had found his voice. Alex tried to look at him over his shoulder, but he couldn't get a good view. "So you fucked some French guy, who cares? What does this have to do with meeting your wife?"

Alex frowned at the strange tone in Thomas' voice. He tried to decipher what that could be, but he wasn't sure the intention of it. Finally, he ignored it and carried on, "Right, uh, sorry. So, after me and this guy had the most amazing sex ever - like, honestly, it was probably the best sex of my life. He was just absolutely-"

"Hamilton!"

"Okay, sorry." Alex grumbled, "Jeez, you never got grumpy with sex talk before."

"The story, Alexander! How'd you meet your fucking wife?!" Thomas sounded exasperated; and Alex felt his cheeks darken.

Reluctantly, he carried on, "Right. So, come morning, I'm still in this guy's bed…"

* * *

Alex woke up to an annoying alarm. He groaned and shifted closer to the warm body next to him. He felt the body chuckle, a deep rumble that almost lulled him back to sleep.

"Pardon moi," The body whispered, sliding away, "I must get ready for work."

Alex peaked an eye open to watch as a naked Frenchman crawled out of bed and puttered around the room. "It's still dark outside."

"I know." The man said softly, "I have an early meeting out of town."

Alex sat up slowly rubbing his eyes. He tugged the blanket up with him, to hide his chest. He glanced around for his shirt and tiredly grabbed the first one he saw. It was far too big, old and soft, he realized only after he put it on that it was definitely not his. The bakery logo on it was very clearly in French.

The man paused by the door, "I'm going to take a shower. You're more than welcome to join me, or you can go back to sleep. If you want breakfast, I can make it, if you just give me enough time to get ready."

Alex nodded silently and laid back down. A shower sounded wonderful, but he was too tired to move right now. His body was exhausted, sore in all the right ways. He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes for a while longer.

He could hear the water running in the next room over, and he didn't think too much of it. He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. He wiggled a bit, trying to get comfy again. It was when his legs brushed against each other that he froze suddenly.

That felt … odd.

Strange, sticky, kind of wet…

Surely, that wasn't left over from last night? Sweat and fluids, that just dried on him weird…? Confused, Alex slowly sat up. He pulled his blanket away and, in the dark, gently brushed against the inside of his thigh. It was wet; there was no doubt about it.

Alex twisted and turned on the lamp by the bed, blinking in the sudden light. He rubbed at his eyes and shifted to look back at his legs. He sucked in a sharp breath at what he saw.

The expensive, silky white sheets had turned a deep red in the middle of the night. Alex's legs were painted with the sticky, smelly liquid. He groaned, realizing what had happened - his period had started while they were asleep. He knew it was coming up, but he wasn't expecting it to happen now of all times.

And then, the panic set in.

This wasn't his bed. As nice as this guy was last night, he wouldn't be happy to discover gross period blood all over his sheets. Alex didn't know what to do, in a panicked fury, he scrambled out of bed and put on his clothes; forgetting to grab his own shirt, since he was wearing the Frenchman's. He didn't even think as he threw his clothes on and grabbed his phone, wallet, and keys.

He only slowed down when he got to the bedroom door. He opened it a crack and peered out, the bathroom appeared to be down the hall. The light was on, shining from under the door, and the shower was still running. He could hear Lafayette humming softly. Alex quickly snuck out of the house, moving as fast as he could while still being near silent. He had to get away, his face was flushed with embarrassment and he didn't know what he'd do if he got caught right now.

He flung the front door opened, closed it as tightly as he could and ran off into the night, never looking back.

* * *

"So that's the embarrassing part. The reason why you wouldn't tell us the story?" Thomas asked, his tone curious.

Alex shrugged, his cheeks heating up. God, he was telling this to his crush. Yeah, this'll totally make him look attractive. He really hated himself sometimes. "Well, yeah. It was mortifying, I didn't know what to do. And if I told you this story earlier, you'd realize I was trans."

"Right. Um, did you ever see that guy again?"

"No, never."

There was a beat of silence, and then Thomas said, "I still don't know how Eliza fits into this."

Alex nodded, shifting a little on the saddle. He bit his lip when he realized that his movement only brought him closer to Thomas. "Uh, y-yeah, right. So, I had no idea where I was, walking through New York. At night. While trans. And every minute my underwear was getting more soaked with blood."

"Yikes."

"Exactly."

* * *

Alex ran into the nearest gas station he could find. Surprisingly, it was open. Unsurprisingly, no one was in there. He was tired, panicked, and he felt gross all over. It was safe to say that he wasn't thinking clearly. He made eye contact with the worker sitting behind the cash register. She was a pretty woman, who was reading a worn paperback. She looked up when he stormed in.

She frowned a little at his obviously distressed state. "Can I help yo-"

"WHERE ARE THE PADS!?" He shouted without thinking.

The woman silently pointed to one of the aisles, between the chips and the alcohol. Alex almost sprinted over to them. He didn't take long to observe which kind he wanted; he just grabbed the first brand he recognized.

The woman was watching him with slightly wide eyes as he slammed the box of pads down at the counter and frantically dug through his pockets. He dropped a few crumbled bills down in front of her. He impatiently waited for her to scan his item and give him his change. Once the transaction was complete, he snatched the box and ran to the public bathroom in the back of the store.

He stayed in there for a while; just panicking. Even after he had done what he needed to and he knew he should be on his way home, he stood there in the men's bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He gripped the sink in front of him; his body shaking uncontrollably. This was a nightmare. He wanted to scream; but he couldn't, not in some dirty gas station bathroom.

Tears started to burn behind his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He splashed water in his face and took deep breaths.

Finally, he left the bathroom; open box of pads under his arm. He wanted nothing more than to leave immediately and go home. But guilt and embarrassment ate at him. He slowly approached the cashier. She was watching him carefully. He took another deep breath, "I apologize for my earlier behavior. I'm … a little shaken right now."

"It's alright." She smiled, waving it off. "I've certainly had much ruder customers. Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, but even he could tell it wasn't believable. "I've just … had an intense morning."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" She asked, gesturing to the empty gas station, "I'm not doing anything."

Alex chewed his lip, "It's a little embarrassing."

"I won't force you." She said, "You can leave and go on your merry way. But I'm a total stranger, me knowing about it doesn't affect your life in any way. Talking about it could be good for you. Besides," she smiled, "I'm sure I've done something as equally embarrassing."

Alex found himself charmed by the girl. He smiled with her, his cheeks turning a little pink. He nodded a little and said, "Okay, um, so, long story short, I was sleeping with this guy…" he hesitated, unsure if she was going to scowl and be homophobic now. She didn't, so he continued, "And it was all good. But then I woke up, like twenty minutes ago, and I realized that my period had started in the middle of the night."  
"Oh no." She said, her eyes widening, "Did you know this guy?"

"No, he was a stranger from a bar." Alex said, "So I guess that's good. I'll never have to see him again, but…"  
"That is embarrassing." She muttered, sympathetic. She shook it off, "But don't worry. We all have bad period stories. One time, I was on my first date ever. It was my sophomore year in high school. And I was super excited, because I really liked this guy, right?"

Alex nodded along, his eyes drifting over her face as she talked. She really was beautiful. She seemed classy, better than a gas station attendant. He wondered why she was here instead of being a waitress or something.

"Anyway, we went to a movie and then got frozen yogurt afterwards. I wanted red velvet, because it's my favorite." Her smile widened, turning a bit embarrassed, "And I was wearing white pants."

"Oh, no." Alex grinned, already seeing where this was going.  
"Oh, yeah." She snorted, "My  _sister's_  white pants, no less. Well, I stupidly drop my red ice cream all over my lap. The pants were ruined; it looked like I bled all over them. I was horrified."

Alex snickered a little, feeling better. He shrugged, "At least yours only  _looked_  like you bled. And it was your clothes. I  _actually_  bleed on some guys silk sheets."

She thought for a second and then asked, "Was he asleep when you left?"

"No, he went to take a shower." Alex replied.

"You should've taken the bed sheets." She told him. "That way, he'd never know your period started. He'd just think you're some weirdo who slept with him, then stole his fancy sheets."

Alex laughed, "I didn't think of that. I was just too busy freaking out."

She waved him off, "Don't worry about it. You'll never see him again, so it's fine. Just go home, take a shower, drink some hot tea, and go back to sleep."

Alex nodded, feeling himself relax, "Okay, yeah. Thanks."

"Do you have any cramps?" She asked, "Do you want some ibuprofen?"

Alex hesitated, "Um, actually, yeah, that would be amazing."

She dug through her purse behind the counter and returned with two pills and a bottle of water, "Here."

"Thank you." Alex breathed, taking the pills and swallowing them with a mouthful of water. He sighed happily and held out his hand, "I'm Alexander Hamilton, by the way."

There was a moment pause, where she looked at him carefully. It was in that moment that Alex realized she was figuring out his gender. This entire time, they had been talking about menstruation and boys; he wasn't wearing the ace bandages, it was the one thing he left behind. At this point in his life, he didn't have his beard or anything. He realized then that she thought he was a girl. He cringed and almost pulled his hand away, wanting to run away before he had to deal with her reaction. But before he could, she took his hand and shook it, smiling at him kindly.  
"Eliza Schuyler." She smiled, "Nice to meet you, sir."

Alex almost combusted, his face was so red. He smiled and kept smiling the entire way home. When he opened his door, his apartment was a mess. He walked over to John's room, peeking in to find the man asleep; his head resting on a stranger's chest. Alex ducked away, going to his room, letting the men sleep. He started a shower, and as the water heated, he checked his phone.

He had a new message from James Madison. It simply said ' _Happy New Year_.' And Alex realized that his year started off kind of intense. On one hand, he had a horribly embarrassing experience and he could never see that French guy ever again. But on the other, he met a really cute girl, one that he wants to meet again. He wasn't sure if it was a good or bad omen, but it seemed fit that his year would start so chaotically.

* * *

"The first thing you said to this girl was, ' _where's the pads'_ , and she looked at you and thought, ' _yeah, I'll marry that_ '." Thomas said, amusement obvious in his voice.

"Basically." Alex agreed, grinning. He looked over his shoulder at Thomas the best he could, "I must be special or something."

Thomas watched him, a strange look on his face. Alex's stupid, smitten mind told him that the other man looked  _fond_  of him. He cleared his throat, looking away, a light blush on his cheeks.

"Yeah." Thomas mumbled, his arms around Alex's waist tightening slightly, "Must be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	16. Peggy Confides In Me

They continued to chat idly. Nothing as intricate as Alex's story, but small things that made the time pass a little faster. Alex tried to hide his excitement at getting to know more about Thomas. He asked small, insignificant questions, hoping to get closer to the other man.

"What's your least favorite food?" Alex asked, curious.

"Any kind of dried fruit." Thomas said immediately. "Fruit shouldn't be dry. I hate raisins and stuff like that. What about you?"

Alex shrugged and swung his feet a little. He's gotten used to being on the horse, and was starting to enjoy the soft rocking motion. His legs were starting to burn a little though. "I dunno. I don't like cinnamon."

"So, no Fireball?" Thomas asked, a smile in his voice.

Alex gagged, "God, no. I tried it once and I almost died." Thomas chuckled and Alex felt his heart skip a beat. He cleared his throat and quickly carried on, "Uh, what's your favorite holiday?"

It was kind of annoying that Alex couldn't see Thomas' expression. He wanted to watch the other man as he thought. Instead, Alex's view was of a dirt road and falling leaves. The wind blew in long gusts, rattling the branches ahead of them.

"Probably Christmas. I know it's not a unique answer, but I just love having my family around me." Thomas shrugged, his voice distant, "I don't get to see them much, and it's the one time when everyone actually tries to be together. We all sit around and drink wassel. Pass around presents. Kids running around..."

Alex could feel the other man's despair growing inside him. He internally cursed himself. It seemed like no topic was safe anymore. Everything he knew had to do with the past, the world they had ripped from them. Holidays mean nothing anymore, they don't even know what day it is. What's the point in having a favorite food when they're both just going to starve to death anyway? Small talk only seemed to bring up old memories.

Quietly, Alex mumbles, "My favorite is the Fourth of July." He licks his lips, his body growing cold as he tried to keep the conversation going, "It's funny, because I'm an immigrant, but I love the Fourth more than anything. I don't really know why. I guess I just am thankful, that I was able to come here. Of course, I know this country isn't perfect, there's more work to be done. I'm trying to fix it. Or … I was." He took a deep breath, "Anyway. I love Independence Day. It's kind of sad, because Eliza hates it. It's her least favorite holiday. She dreads it every year."

"Why?" Thomas asked.

Alex let out a sigh. "It gave her flashbacks. The fireworks, the loud noises. She had PTSD and every year she would hide in our room and listen to loud music, so she couldn't hear anything. It didn't always work. I just wanted us to be a family; me, her, and the kids. Have burgers outside and play with sparklers. It always ended up just being me and the kids, once it got dark out. Which is fine, I would rather have her feel safe, but … it was unfortunate."

"I'm sorry about that." Thomas said.

Alex shrugged again, "It's one of those things that just happens, you know? You can't change it or control it, you just have work with it the best you can."

The horse whined then, loud and annoying. Chien barked in response, trotting beside them. The horse stopped walking then, and Alex squeaked at the sudden halt. Chien ran around the horse's legs, as happy as can be.

"Hey, why'd ya stop?" Thomas asked, nudging the horse with this foot, "Giddy up."

The animal didn't move. It sneezed and shook its head. Alex turned as best he could to look at Thomas, raising an eyebrow. Thomas as staring into the woods before them, searching.

"There might be something up there." He said as he carefully got off the horse. Alex's gaze darted between him and the trees. He felt his heart rate skyrocket in anticipation and anxiety.

"What are you doing? Get back up here!" Alex hissed.

Thomas ignored him and grabbed the rifle. He slowly crept forward. Chien had stopped barking and was now standing in front of the horse. She wasn't wagging her tail. Alex grit his teeth, his hands tightening on the reigns. The horse shifted under him, stamping it's hooves. The air grew quiet, even the wind was holding its breath.

"Thomas!" Alex hissed, clumsily scrambling off the horse. He jogged up behind Thomas, chewing his lip.

Thomas glanced at him over his shoulder, "Get back!"

"Be careful!" Alex said, staying in place. He pulled out the knife from his pocket, anxiously fiddling with it. His gaze darted around the area, expecting something to jump out at them. Chien slowly crept forward, sniffing the ground as she went. Alex waved at the dog, trying to get it to stop, "Chien! Heel! Stop!"

Chien's tail started wagging suddenly and she barked wildly. She darted into the bushes and Alex gasped. A second later, something small and brown sprinted out of the bushes, across the street, and into the other stretch of trees. Chien followed it, running at full speed, tongue flapping in the wind.

Alex relaxed, turning to look at the horse, "You were scared of a squirrel, really? You're so dumb, I love you so much."

"No, it's I who loves you-" Thomas sighed and turned around. Alex opened his mouth to say something, already grinning, but Thomas' expression made him choke on his words. Thomas instantly lifted the rifle, pointed right at Alex's head.

"T-Thomas?" Alex asked, his eyes wide. He held up his hands, the knife still clutched tightly in his grip, "It's me, it's Alex?"

Thomas' gaze was distant, his hands surprisingly steady, as he stared Alex in the eye. Alex felt his heart in his throat. He licked his lips and tried to not let his voice shake as he said, "Thomas, what's wrong?"

Thomas' face twitched slightly, an eyebrow lowering, his lips pressing together, a small inhale. That was the only warning Alex had before Thomas pulled the trigger.

* * *

Alex was drunk. This happens on occasion, especially when one has four glasses of wine and three shots of cherry vodka. He was sitting in his boxers, an oversized shirt hanging off his shoulders. He waved his empty shot glass around as he spoke. They were all sitting on Pegs' bed - many things tend to happen in Pegs' bed, Alex learned.

"I's not tha' hard!" He said. Pegs nodded in agreement and Eliza snickered at him. "She should use your- your correct pro'ouns!"

"I know!" Pegs, who was equally drunk, shouted. "Liza can do it! Liz, you're sooo amazing, you know that? You're the best sister, you're my favorite."

Eliza sipped her glass of water, her beautiful smile spreading wider with each second. "Thank you, Pegster."

"Ugh, a godsend." Pegs said, clinking their glass against Eliza's. "I don't get 'er, Angie should just figure it out already."

"She's trying." Eliza said.

"Try harder!" Alex shouted, slamming his glass down onto the bed. He pouted when the glass didn't make a dramatic noise upon being thrown down on the soft blankets.

Pegs pointed at Alex, nodding, "She always gets Al's pronouns right! Mine shouldn't be any harder!"

"Alex introduced himself as a boy. Angie grew up knowing you as a girl." Eliza said calmly, "It's different."

Pegs rolled their eyes and set their drink down on the bedside table. They took a deep breath and said, "I get that, but it really shouldn't be that hard, you know? You use the correct pronouns in the same conversation as her, and she still misgenders me. I'm going to start correcting her, because I can't handle this anymore."

Alex frowned, seeing the sad expression on his friend's face. Even while super drunk, he knew not to do anything that would upset them further. He rested his head on Eliza's shoulder, yawning. Suddenly, he was exhausted.

"Peggy-" Eliza started.

"Pegs." Pegs interrupted, their voice hard and their gaze sharp.

"Pegs …" Eliza corrected herself softly. "This is a process. It's going to take time. I'll talk to her, but you have to realize, she's not doing this on purpose to antagonize you. She's just … learning."

Pegs picked at their nails, hiccuping a little. "No- no, I know that. I'm just … sad." They couldn't seem to think of a word that better described themself, in their drunken state. They shrugged and ran a hand through their hair. "And mad."

"Smad!" Alex mumbled, his eyes closed, his face pressed against Eliza.

"Smad." Pegs agreed, a smile returning to their voice.

Eliza reached out and took Pegs' hand, "I'll talk to her. Don't worry, this'll get better. I got your back."

Alex opened his eyes enough to watch as the siblings hugged. Pegs said, their face hidden in Eliza's chest, "Lo'e you."

"I love you, too."

Pegs pulled away and ran their hands down their face. Taking a deep breath, they shook their head and cleared their mind. "Okay. Get out of my room."

Eliza laughed and crawled off the bed. "Drink some water."

"You're notta boss of me." Pegs mumbled, crawling under their blankets.

"Good night, dear." Eliza said, pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Leaving?" Alex asked, tried.

"Just to my room. It's bedtime." Eliza explained.

"Oh." Alex blinked dumbly before clumsily making his way over to the head of the bed. He crawled under the blankets, next to Pegs, and closed his eyes. Eliza made her way to the door, turning off the light as she went.

"Good night, Pegs. Good night Al."

"Night, nerd."

"G'night, deares'."

* * *

Alex opened his eyes slowly, his body was tensed up, the ringing of the gunshot still loud in his ears. His ears were ringing painfully; but that was the only part of him that hurt. He hesitantly relaxed, looking up to see Thomas standing in front of him still; the rifle was lowered now. It took Alex a moment to realize that Thomas wasn't staring at him at all; he was looking past him. Alex swallowed and turned. He couldn't hear his own shoes kicking the dirt as he moved.

The horse next to him had it's mouth open; it's eyes wild. It jumped up on it's back feet, and stomped down on the ground. Chien was running around and her jaw opening and closing wildly. Still, Alex heard nothing over the ringing.

Numbly, Alex turned further; seeing what was behind him. The collapsed body of a zombie was bleeding out just a few feet away from him. A bullet was clearly lodged into it's head; blood oozing out. Alex didn't know if he wanted to sigh in relief or scream in frustration. On one hand; Thomas wasn't going to shoot him. On the other; he could have fucking  _said that_.

Alex whipped around, choosing to go with anger. He jabbed Thomas in the chest and started ranting. His mouth hung open after a moment, once he realized that he wasn't making any noises. He frowned, his mouth opening and closing, his tongue curling and twisting, his vocal cords vibrating - nothing. He wasn't making any noise.

His anger vanished instantly, and instead, he was filled with a great and powerful fear. His hands grabbed Thomas' shoulders as he shakily spoke. He knew what words were supposed to be falling from his lips, but none of them came out.

_Can you hear me? I- I can't hear me! Oh God, am I talking- I- I- can't- oh my God!_

Thomas' expression was blank and he didn't move, even as Alex felt tears rolling down his face. Alex's hand reached up and grabbed his throat; he could feel it moving, he could feel the vibrations, but he could hear no words coming out. Alex's hand slid up to his hair, his fingers digging in tightly and pulling at his roots. At some point he had closed his eyes, black dots have started to form in his vision.

A hand gently touched his own; coaxing it away from his scalp. Alex felt a palm on his chin, and he hesitantly looked up. Thomas' eyes were clear now, he was looking at Alex, rather than through him. Undenyable concern was painted on his face. His lips were moving, but Alex couldn't tell what he was saying.

Thomas's hands moved to his shoulders, he gently shook Alex until the man stopped sputtering nonsense. Alex stared into his eyes, terrified. Thomas started speaking again, slowly and clearly. Alex's gaze darted down to read his lips. He never really was the best at this kind of thing, so even while giving it his entire focus, he still struggled to understand.

 _It's okay_. Thomas said, his hand reaching up to brush down Alex's hair. Alex leaned into the touch, trying to take deep breaths. Alex took deep breaths as the muddled ringing start to fade. He blinked hard, clinging to Thomas pathetically. He could hear the deep murmur of Thomas' voice, it felt far away; like he was listening to it under water. "...will come back. It was the gunshot; it was too close to your ear."

"Hurts." Alex heard himself say; his voice was watery and more scared than he'd ever heard himself.

"I know." Thomas said apologetically, "I'm sorry. Give it a minute and it won't hurt no more."

Already, Alex was able to hear a little better. His ears still hurt, but he was able to calm down. He took deep breaths and wiped his eyes; looking away from Thomas. Embarrassment rose to his cheeks. He feels like he overreacted, panicked at nothing. But it wasn't really nothing. It hurt and it scared him.

"Are you okay?" Thomas asked, his voice was quiet, and Alex wasn't sure if that was genuine or because of his hearing.

"I think." Alex mumbled, reaching up to poke his ears. He shook his head, "I'll be okay."

"We'll have to be more careful. Shooting guns all the time will fuck up our hearing." Thomas said thoughtfully. He gave Alex another long look. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."  
"It's fine." Alex opened his jaw wide, feeling his ears pop. "You were saving me, so…"

"I hurt you." Thomas said, his tone made Alex look up at him. The man had a strange expression on his face, he was looking away; his lips pressed together. "I hurt everyone."

Alex stepped forward, "It was an accident."

Thomas stepped back, keeping out of Alex's touch. He wouldn't meet Alex's eye. "Let's just keep moving."

* * *

They didn't speak anymore after that. The silence was both a comfort and a burden. On one hand; it gave Alex's ears time to rest. But on the other; Thomas was upset once more, and Alex didn't know how to fix it.

Neither of them got back on the horse. Alex walked a few feet behind Thomas, watching the other man. Chien would run up to him, stick in his mouth, and wait until he threw it. Even as he played with the dog while they walked, Thomas didn't crack a smile. Alex wanted to drag his feet, but he knew they couldn't waste more time.

Eventually, the horse stopped again, only this time, it wasn't out of fear. The large animal walked over to the edge of the road and started chewing on the grass there. Alex watched as Thomas didn't try to pull the horse forward. Instead, the man tied the horse's reins to a low hanging branch, and started to unlatch the wagon that held all of their supplies.

"Are we done walking for today?" Alex asked. Thomas nodded silently. Alex sighed, but agreed. Even though he spent a lot of their travel sitting down; his body still hurt and he desperately needed some rest. Once everything was settled and a fire was made, Alex sat down in the dirt with his back against the wagon. Chien plopped down beside him, sending dust everywhere. She had her tongue sticking out and was happily watching the birds in the tree branches. Thomas soon joined them, sitting on Alex's other side. He didn't seem much happier now that they were resting. Alex thought of some kind of way to fix things.

"The horse is super helpful." Alex said quietly, watching as the animal ate its fill of the green grass. Chien set her head down on her paws and closed her eyes, tired from the day's travel. "It's nice to not have to carry our bags anymore."

"Yeah. I love it." Thomas said, his voice empty and flat. It didn't really  _sound_  like he loved it, but Alex knew that was just his mood talking.

"So much?" Alex asked.

"So much?" Thomas repeated, his eyebrows lowering.

"Do you love it so much?" Alex said, leaning back, "Because I actually love it. So much."

Thomas watched him for a second, and then a slow, wide smile spread across his face. "Shut up."

Alex snorted, feeling successful in the fact that he made his friend smile. He wanted him to keep smiling, but the moment was fading fast. He pulled his knees up to his chest and continued to watch Thomas carefully. The other man let out a soft sigh.

Alex mentally went through the facts:

Fact 1: Thomas is sad.

Fact 2: Thomas is sad because James died.

Fact 3: James died because of zombies.

Fact 4: Zombies suck.

Fact 5: His life, also, sucks.

Fact 6: He's very hungry.

At that point he had forgotten what the purpose of these facts where. But they got the ball rolling; and he was now thinking about other things he knew. Things about Thomas. He knew that he liked Thomas. He knew that he wanted Thomas to be happy - or as happy as possible in a zombie apocalypse. He knew that Thomas really needed someone right now. He probably needed a hug.

Wait.

What was that thing that James had said?

_He would be so stressed all the time; incredibly anxious and he'd, he'd do this thing where he just disappeared deep into his mind and he wouldn't really respond to anything._

That sounds familiar...

_I figured it out, that he got that way when he really really needed a hug, but he didn't know how to ask for it._

Oh.

Realization dawned on Alex. He cleared his throat; his cheeks burning slightly as he realized what was happening. Thomas was hurt, and he needed a hug. It was as simple as that.

"You can do it, you know." Alex said quietly. He slowly shifted forward, swallowing hard. His cheeks were burning a little and he couldn't make eye contact. Thomas looked up at him, his blank expression shifting into one of confusion.

"Do … do what?" He asked, his gaze shifting up and down Alex's body; curious. Under his gaze, Alex's nerves grew. He licked his lips and cleared his throat. God, why was he so intimidated by this? He was just doing this to help; it didn't mean anything. He was just being friendly.

Alex cleared his throat and said, "Touch me." Thomas' eyes flew wide and Alex frantically carried on, "I-I- I mean, I know how much physical contact means to you, and after... After what happened, I think you'd need the comfort."

Thomas shifted, glancing around wildly before his gaze settled back on Alex's eyes. "W-what?"

Alex scooted even closer, their knees brushing together. Thomas stiffened at the contact; his gaze darting down to look at their legs. Alex started again, his hand shaking a little as he reached for Thomas's shoulder. "It's okay. James told me ... he told me why you would hug him all the time, and I get it. It's alright. I know I'm not him, but if you ever need to like … hug or something…"

He trailed off, searching Thomas' face for some kind of response. Right now, there was nothing but surprise spread across his expression. Alex only hoped it was the good, pleasant kind of surprise.

Alex's anxieties started to rise and he shook his head, his cheeks heating up a bit, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cross any lines or anything, I just-"

"I-" Thomas started, then stopped. He cleared his throat and looked away. Alex froze, wondering what was going to happen next. Thomas' eyebrows were scrunched and his jaw was tight. Alex could feel the hair on the back of his neck rise as he waited for an answer. Without looking back at him, Thomas raised his arms in an obvious invitation. Alex let out a soft sigh of relief and carefully, slowly, crept forward. Thomas glanced up at him, his cheeks surprisingly dark.

 _Cute!_  Alex thought as he smiled down at him. Thomas' hands hesitantly landed on Alex's sides, and the shorter man brushed a hand through Thomas' hair. Alex felt the sudder that ran through the other man.

Like a dam breaking loose, Thomas fiercely pulled Alex closer; his fingers digging into the fabric of Alex's jacket. He closed his eyes and hid his face in Alex's chest. The immigrant let out a soft squeak of surprise, but he didn't pull back. He forced himself to relax, to wrap his arms around the man he liked, and to hold him tightly.

"I got ya." Alex heard himself say. Not a second later, he felt the deep inhale that wracked through Thomas' body. Alex tilted his head a bit when he realized that Thomas was crying. The man was shaking like a leaf in Alex's arms, soft whimpers escaping his lips. Alex felt his heart break. This man didn't deserve this kind of pain. He tightened his grip on Thomas; making sure that he felt as safe as possible.

"It's okay. I'm here." Alex whispered, rubbing Thomas' back and letting the other man bury himself in Alex's embrace. "I'm here. I got ya."

They stayed like this, pressed against each other, until Thomas was too exhausted to cry anymore. Alex was able to coax them into a more comfortable position; with him sitting up - on guard for the night - and Thomas resting his head on Alex's chest, his arms wrapped around his waist. As Alex sat there and listened to the crickets, fire crackling a few feet away, he ran his fingers up and down Thomas' back in a soothing motion.

He looked down at Thomas' sleeping form; felt the warmth of the other man pressed against him, and felt peace for the first time in a while. It was weird, wasn't it? The very thing that almost annoyed Alex was now something that he actively encouraged. He remembered the first time he realized how much Thomas and James touched, it weirded him out a bit. But now, now he was in that position, and he loved every second of it. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would happily open his arms to this man, whenever he would need it.

Besides, who doesn't love cuddles?

* * *

"I don't think I'm capable of love." Pegs said, laying on their bed. They stared up at the ceiling, their hands resting on their tummy as they spoke. Alex looked over at them; he was laying next to them, in his pajamas. Angelica didn't allow him to sleep in the same room as Eliza when he spent the night; so he always ended up sharing a bed with Pegs. He didn't mind; they always stayed up late and gossiped.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked quietly.

Pegs sighed and ran a hand down their face. "I don't know… I see you and 'Liza together all the time, and I just think… I'm never going to have that."

Alex frowned, shifting on the bed to get a better look at them, "What- of course you'll find someone. You're smart, hilarious, gorgeous-"

Pegs shook their head, interrupting him, "No, I know all that." Alex snorted and they shared a quick grin. Pegs' smile fell and then they carried on carefully, "I just mean… I don't think I'm ever going to connect with someone. I've dated before, in the past, and it's never ended well. I can't ever be open and honest with other people, I just… I don't know what to do."

"Well, don't try and force it." Alex said after a minute, "I know it seems lonely now, but you'll find someone that you connect with."

Pegs scoffed, "Yeah, right."  
"You don't seem to have any trouble talking to me." Alex said, to which Pegs rolled their eyes.

"You're different." Pegs said, "You're my friend, you're dating my sister, it's not the same…"

Alex watched them for a long moment before saying, "You'll be able to find someone who you're comfortable with. These kinds of things just take time."

Pegs scoffed and pulled the blankets higher. "Some people don't get happy endings, Al."

Alex shook his head, sighing out his nose, "But you deserve one."

"I guess." Pegs shook their head, "But who would want someone like me? I'm different: my gender changes every day, I hate physical contact, and I'm annoying as hell."

"Different is interesting. No one wants a boring partner." Alex said, "Try not to worry so much about it. You're young and beautiful. You have time. You'll find someone eventually."

Pegs was quiet for a long moment. So long that Alex thought they might have fallen asleep. Then, they sighed and said in a shaky voice, "I just can't shake the feeling that I'm going to die alone."

"Shh, hey, come here." Alex said, opening his arms. Pegs slid across the bed and let themself be comforted by their friend. Alex gently ran his fingers through their hair and held them close. He was staring at a family picture on the wall across the room. Even in the darkness, he could see Eliza's bright smile as she stood next to her siblings. He took in a deep breath and said, "I understand. I've almost died ten times over now. ...Some of them by my own hand. I know that feeling; the fear, that you'll stop breathing and no one will be around to even care. But… that's not how you'll always feel. One day, you'll open your eyes and realize that the most wonderful person - the person you love and who loves you - is there. They'll always be there. No matter what. And then, with time, you stop having those scary thoughts."

They were both quiet, listening to each other's breathing. Pegs shifted a little and said, "Damn, Al. You've been dating 'Liza for three months and now your abandonment issues are cured."

Alex laughed a little, pushing Pegs. "Shut up. I don't have abandonment issues."  
"You totally do." Pegs snorted, "You look like you're terrified every time Eliza leaves the room."

"Nu-huh!"

"Like a little puppy."

"Go to sleep, you brat."

* * *

Alex blinked awake without knowing how long he had been asleep. He was still leaning against Thomas; the man had wrapped an arm around him at some point. Thomas' eyes were closed and his head was bowed; his breathing deep and slow. Alex glanced around, making sure there were no zombies nearby. The man had dozed off and forgotten to put at on guard for the night. Well, he figured the horse and Chien would make good guards - they certainly wouldn't be quiet if something came slinking up to them in the middle of the night. Regardless, they can't be so careless anymore. They won't keep getting lucky. Alex let out a bitter snort - as if the shit they'd been through was considered lucky.

The wind picked up suddenly and Alex let out a soft whine. He pulled the blanket closer to himself and turned to hide his face in Thomas' chest. The fire they made earlier was dying; now just lumps of hot coals. Alex sighed and relaxed a little; enjoying the feel of Thomas' strong, warm chest under him.

Alex frowned as a small drop of water fell on his cheek. He looked up to see the grey clouds looming overhead. He gasped as realization struck him. He turned to Thomas, shaking the other man awake, "Thomas, it's- it's raining!"

Thomas looked up just in time for a drop of rain to land on his forehead. He was still sleepy and confused for a moment, reaching up to touch the water on his skin. Alex could see the second realization struck. Instantly, the man jumped up and scrambled to their bags. He dug through them until he found empty water bottles. He handed one to Alex, quickly screwing open the lid to his own.

They held up their water bottles toward the sky, grinning ear to ear as water slowly started to fill them up. Alex laughed as his hair grew wet with the rain. He looked to Thomas, laughing at the wide smile on the other man's face. The rain grew thicker and heavier almost instantly. Alex had to blink away the water from his eyes every few seconds, peering through the thick raindrops.

"Oh my God!" Thomas laughed, sticking out his tongue to catch the raindrops. Alex did the same, trying to catch as much water as possible. They both laughed and reached towards each other. Alex laughed as they stumbled into one another's arms; holding hands, their clothes soaking more and more each second. He held the water bottle up higher; clinking it against Thomas'. Chien happily barked around them; ready for a party. She trotted up to a growing puddle and started to lap up the water.

Alex drank the small amount of water that had piled in his bottle. He then handed it to Thomas and ran off down the street, jumping in a puddle. He whooped as the water splashed everywhere. Chien barked in agreement and Alex could hear Thomas laughing behind him. He looked up, flipping his hair out of his face, to see Thomas spinning in a slow circle, his head thrown back and his arms wide. Alex paused in his splashing, standing there, breathing hard. He felt his smile grow softer, fonder, as he watched the other man. Thomas opened his eyes and looked over at him, still grinning. He gestured for Alex to come back to him, and giggling a little, Alex sprinted across the clearing; hurtling himself into Thomas' arms.

The man cackled, grabbing Alex and pulling him close. Their clothes sloshed together; wet and baggy. Alex could feel the cold setting in. But he didn't care; he panted, his lips pressed against Thomas' warm, wet skin, and just allowed himself to be happy, for just a moment.

Eventually, they moved stuff around in the wagon to make enough room for them. They didn't want to sleep on the muddy ground and this was their only other option. It was small and cramped; but it was better than nothing. Under the cover of the trees, they were able to avoid most of the rain. Alex knew he was going to be freezing, once his adrenaline stopped. Thomas was already thinking ahead, as he pulled dry clothes and a blanket out of their supplies. They turned away from each other and changed into their new clothing as quickly as possible. Alex already felt a little bit better. He pulled his knees up to his chest and peacefully rested his chin on them, closing his eyes.

His gaze snapped open when he felt something being laid across his shoulders. He reached up and felt the blanket draped around him. Glancing over, he could see that Thomas was sitting a foot away, staring out at the rain. His expression was unreadable, but there was a tension in his shoulders. Alex let out a soft sigh. He was hoping that the rain would've been a good enough distraction, but it only lasted for a while, it seemed.

Alex scooted over until he was right next to Thomas. He maneuvered the blanket until it was around Thomas' shoulders as well. The man looked down at him and smiled a little. He was holding his water bottle, rubbing his thumb up and down it absentmindedly.

Neither of them spoke. Alex yawned and leaned his head against Thomas' shoulder. He closed his eyes again and let his body relax. He must've fallen asleep quickly, because he dreamed that Thomas reached down and intertwined their fingers together. It was a pleasant thought that made Alex's chest warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	17. Say No To This

The first time Alexander and Eliza took a shower together, it was because Alex had quietly informed his girlfriend that he hated bathing more than anything. Between his PTSD over the hurricane and his dysphoria over his body; spending excessive time naked in water was not his favorite past time.

"Would … it be helpful or hurtful for me to be there with you?" Eliza asked slowly, shyly. A rosey pink spread across her cheeks. She glanced away and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Um. I could take a shower with you, if- if that'd help."  
They had been dating for a month or so now, and had already seen each other undressed a fair amount of times. It's not like there'd be any surprises. But Eliza still seemed unsure to suggest it. Not for herself; but for how Alex would react. Would he want her there? Or would he rather suffer in silence?

Alex shrugged, not making eye contact, "Help…?"

"Have you ever showered with someone before?" Eliza asked, moving to sit down next to him. She took his hand, and the action made him smile a little.

"No, never." Alex replied, "It's always just half an hour of misery alone."

"I'll wash your hair for you." Eliza said, brushing her hand through his hair slowly. "We can chat and I'll play some music. Would you like that? Or do you want me to just wait here for you?"

Alex swallowed hard, looking up into Eliza's eyes. He felt himself smile at her earnest expression. He mumbled, a little embarrassed, "I'd like that..."

Smiling in relief, Eliza pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead and said, "Okay. Get your things, dearest."

This is what Alex was thinking about when Thomas stopped the horse by a lake that was just small enough to be considered a large pond. Alex climbed down from the horse as Thomas unhooked the wagon and led the animal over to the water so it could get a drink. Chien happily followed them, immediately throwing herself into the cool waters. Thomas shook his head, smiling at the dog's antics. He turned to Alex, his smile fading a little as he said, "Do you think we have enough time before sundown for a bath?"

Alex shifted anxiously, looking over at the sinking sun. "Um. Could we maybe … not bathe?"

"We haven't bathed since the Hudson. We're gross and dirty and sweaty." Thomas said, frowning. "Why the hell would we  _not_  bathe?"

"I don't like water?" Alex said quietly.

Thomas scoffed, "Well, suck it up. I don't like diseases."

Alex flinched and closed his eyes, his voice turning frantic, "Please, I- I really don't want to-"

"Give me a good reason." Thomas interrupted; he crossed his arms over his chest, his expression an angry kind of curious.

Alex stared at him, his heart in his throat. He could feel his eyes watering a little and he forced himself to keep his breathing even. "I-I almost drowned when I was a kid. And- and I still have panic attacks from it. I hate showering and baths and storms and swimming and- and I hate my body and there's zombies around - probably - so I really  _really_  don't want to take a bath."

"Fuck, Alex." Thomas said quietly, uncrossing his arms, "I had no idea."

"It's fine." Alex mumbled, wiping moisture from his eyes. He crossed his arms across his chest and glanced down at his feet. Chien climbed out of the lake to shake water onto Thomas. She barked loudly, jumping around. Thomas picked up a stick and threw it into the lake, effectively distracting the dog. Chien ran off into the lake to retrieve the stick.

Thomas slowly approached, like Alex was a wild animal. He held out his hands in a placating manner. "We don't have to, if you really don't want to." He said softly.

Alex shook his head, "It's fine." He repeated. He felt weirdly numb; like he didn't know what to do anymore. Thomas was right; they couldn't avoid bathing forever. But he  _really_  wasn't looking forward to climbing into dirty, muddy water. He cleared his throat and muttered, "We'll take the bath."

"Are you sure?" Thomas asked quietly.

"Yeah."

"How can I help?" Thomas asked suddenly, his voice firm. It wavered only as he said, "What- what did James do, at the Hudson?"

"Um." Alex looked up, seeing the determination in his eyes. "He just talked to me, I guess. And he helped me wash my hair."

"I can do that." Thomas said, "If you want."

Alex hesitated, but eventually nodded. "Okay."

"Okay." Thomas smiled, and Alex couldn't help but weakly smile back.

Thomas undressed first. Alex turned around so he wouldn't see anything as Thomas took off his clothes and his prosthetic. Alex only turned around when Thomas gave the all-clear. The man was a few feet into the lake; the water coming up to his navel. Alex felt heat rise to his cheeks as he realized that he'd be next to a naked god. He waited until Thomas turned around to play with Chien before he undressed himself.

Alex walked up to the edge of the water; the mud squishing between his toes. The horse snorted next to him, making him jump. Alex took a deep breath and kept his eyes on Thomas' back as he stepped into the water. It was cold and dirty; but it was calm. Unlike the Hudson, there was no current that was trying to suck him down and drown him. The realization of this gave him some calmness. He forced himself to move forward, into the deeper waters.

Thomas started to turn around as he heard Alex approach. Alex immediately dropped down into the water until it came up to his shoulders. "Don't- don't turn around!"

Thomas halted, and Alex could see his profile. He frowned a little, clearly confused. "Why?"

"I-I don't want you to, you know…" Alex mumbled, glancing away. His blush returned darkly.

Thomas tried to glance at him from the corner of his eye, still unsure, "...No? I don't know?"

"See my breasts." Alex muttered at last, wanting nothing more than to die in that moment. He felt shame and embarrassment rise in him; God, he was pathetic. He watched as Thomas' expression twisted up even more before suddenly bursting into realization. The other man turned around fully so his back was to Alex; his spine was ridged.

Alex could hear something in his voice that he couldn't quite place. Thomas sounded … almost nervous? "O-oh- oh my god, I completely forgot- I'm so sorry-"

"It's fine." Alex said. It seemed like he was saying that a lot lately. His cheeks were red and he slowly rose up a little from the water; letting it stop just above his collarbones. He cleared his throat, "It's- it's okay to turn around, I guess. The water's too murky to see anything…"

Still, Thomas hesitated for a second. Slowly, he turned around, his gaze averted. He cleared his throat and said, "Um, how do you feel? You, uh, doin' alright?"

"For now." Alex mumbled. He swished his hand over the top of the water; watching the waves ripple. "It's not that bad, I guess."

"Good, good." Thomas said, still looking away. "Um, I found some shampoo in one of the bags. We don't have conditioner, though."

Alex saw the half-full shampoo bottle floating a few feet away. He nodded; feeling himself space out. He felt like his mind was two feet to the left of his body; like he was being controlled by someone else and he was along for the ride. He reached for the bottle and placed it in Thomas' hand. The taller man sucked in a sharp breath, one that Alex didn't catch, under his touch.

"Um. I can wash your hair first, so you can get out sooner?" Thomas said, "Is that alright?"

Alex nodded, reaching up to fiddle with his rosary. "Kay."

Thomas glanced down, looking at the cross in Alex's hands. His lips twitched upwards for half a second before he shook his head and cleared his throat. His cheeks were a bit dark as he said, "Do you want to turn around or…?"

Alex silently turned around, sighing at the tension in his body. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore the panic building inside him. He heard Thomas approach him, the water shifting around them.

"I'm going to get your hair wet." Thomas said, keeping his voice soft and soothing. "I'm going to pour handfuls onto your head, okay?"

Alex took a deep breath and nodded, bracing himself for the inevitable. He flinched as Thomas did exactly as he said. Small bursts of water fell onto his head as Thomas slowly and thoroughly wet his hair. The other man was careful to keep his face dry; which Alex was thankful for.

Having his eyes closed only made Alex feel more panicked; his mind tricking him into thinking he was years and miles away. Alex felt his breathing speed up, but he couldn't find it in himself to open his eyes. He knew, logically, that he was safe; but he couldn't stop the racing of his heart.

"Shh, you're okay." Thomas whispered; his hands coming up to rest on Alex's shoulders. Alex flinched at first, but felt himself lean back into the touch. "I'm here."

Alex let out a soft, embarrassing whimper when Thomas started to massage Alex's shoulders. His thumbs dug into the tight knots there, and Alex felt his toes curl. He sighed and tipped his head forward, offering Thomas more room to work.

"Do your ears still hurt?" Thomas asked, trying to distract him.

"Um, no. Not anymore." Alex replied shakily. He gently poked them with his fingers, but stopped when it made them wet. "I-I don't think I'll go deaf any time soon."

"Even if you did, you know asl, so it wouldn't be the end of the world, I guess." Thomas muttered, continuing to massage Alex's shoulders. "I don't know it, though. You'd have to teach me."

Alex blushed at the thought of him holding Thomas' hands, showing him the proper way to make a sign. He swallowed hard, mumbling, "Of course."

"Good boy." Thomas mumbled distractedly as he poured shampoo on his hand. Alex missed the massage and mentally reminded himself to ask for another, longer one sometime. Thomas spoke a little louder as he said, "I'm going to put soap in your hair now."

"Kay." Alex sighed. He relaxed as strong hands started to massage his scalp; rubbing soapy bubbles into his hair. He felt his worries wash away long with the dirt. He tilted his head up a little; into the touch. Thomas' hands moved down his head, to his neck and shoulders; warming his skin and his heart.

Alex felt himself suck in a sharp breath as the realization hit him. He was naked. Thomas was naked, too. Thomas was touching him. While they were naked. Alex's mouth went dry as he looked over his shoulder to see dark, smooth skin. His cheeks darkened; he felt so hot he thought the water around him would start to boil.

"Shh, deep breaths. You're almost done." Thomas whispered, misinterpreting Alex's wide-eyed expression. Alex couldn't be more thankful for a miscommunication. Still, he was enthralled by Thomas being so close. He couldn't find it in himself to turn back around. Thomas frowned a little, but didn't comment. He continued to massage Alex's head, making sure his hair was soapy and clean. For some reason, Thomas found it difficult to maintain eye contact. The man was looking away, over Alex's shoulder, at the horse on shore. Alex watched droplets of water slowly slide down Thomas' body. He forced himself to look away from the toned pecs, and up to Thomas' face. The man glanced at him, and his gaze stayed; their eyes locked on each other's. Alex licked his lips subconsciously. He felt Thomas' fingers tighten in his hair; which only made Alex's breath hitch again.

Thomas suddenly pulled back like he had been burned, he tore his gaze away; turning to he wasn't facing Alex anymore. "O-okay, y'all're good; you can, um, rinse off an' go dry off now."

Alex hesitated, "Um…"

After a second of not hearing any movement, Thomas looked over his shoulder, "Everything alright?"

"Will you …" Alex blushed in shame, hating himself for having to ask for this. "Will you, um, hold my hand… while I…?"

Thomas chewed his lip but nodded, "Yeah, yeah, 'course."

Alex held out his hand, which Thomas firmly grasped. Alex gave Thomas a shaky smile before he took a deep breath and dunked himself under the water. He instantly regretted the decision as he felt like he was sinking down into the mud, never to be seen again. He shook his head, his hand gripping Thomas' furiously. Just as Alex felt the panic start to take over him; a strong arm wrapped around his middle and pulled him to the surface. Alex coughed and gasped as he clung to the warm body next to him. His vision was fuzzy and he couldn't exactly remember where he was. He spit out water and hid his face in the warmth.

"Shh, you're okay, you're safe, darlin', I'm here, I got ya." Someone was saying, but their voice sounded far away. Alex tried to focus on it as someone moved his hand to rest over a chest. It moved slowly up and down in a rhythmic motion. "Breathe with me; in … out."

Alex did as he was told; forcing himself to take slow, deep breaths.

"Good." The voice said. Alex blinked the water away and looked up to see Thomas staring down at him with worried eyes. Alex let out a soft sigh. Thomas. He remembered where he was now. In a lake; not in Navis. He was safe. Alex was so grateful for Thomas' presence. In that moment, a wave of affection washed over him. He smiled a little; soft and shy. His smile grew when Thomas' own lips parted a little in his own grin.

 _I could kiss him_. Alex thought happily, his gaze drifting down to Thomas' lips. His tongue swiped along his own lips thoughtfully; wondering what he'd taste like. Shaking the thought from his head, Alex's gaze returned to Thomas'. The man had a strange expression; almost dazed. It made a shiver run down Alex's spine. He cleared his throat awkwardly.

Alex looked away, still feeling a little shaky. "I-I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for your trauma." Thomas said, gently brushing some hair behind Alex's ear. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how bad it was."

"S'okay." Alex said, resting his cheek against Thomas' chest. He closed his eyes and focused on breathing. Thomas' heart was loud and soothing under him; even if it was beating weirdly fast. Alex listened to it for a second before he remembered that they were both naked. Instantly, Alex pulled himself out of Thomas' grasp; his arms coming up to cover the chest that Thomas no-doubt felt. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!"

"I-I didn't look!" Thomas said, glancing away again, his face was already dark and he didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, "Or touch or anything! I-I mean, I felt them, but- but only because you were pressed up against me and- and- I'm sorry!"

Mortified, Alex started to back away, "Um, I'm going to, uh, get dressed, and we can forget this ever happened."

"Yup. Yeah, that's- yeah." Thomas agreed quickly, still unable to look at him. "Sorry."

"Not your fault." Alex said, quietly. He caught Thomas' gaze and they both froze as they stared at each other. The world fell silent except for the sound of his heartbeat. Alex swallowed hard once more; his mind unable to comprehend just how gorgeous Thomas looked, shirtless and dripping wet. Alex felt himself speak, "Sorry for, um, making you feel uncomfortable."

"I wasn't-" Thomas started, but quickly clamped his mouth shut. Alex squinted a little at the obvious panic on Thomas' face.

Shrugging to himself, Alex turned and gestured to the shore. "I'm gonna…"

"Right, yeah, right. I'll, uh, face that way." Thomas said, turning around.

Alex slowly made his way out of the water; freezing at the cold air that sucked up against his wet skin. He quickly dried off using his old clothes before he put on new ones. He then found a nice, big rock on the shore for him to sit on while he washed the old clothes to the best of his ability. When he glanced up, Thomas was rising out of the water with dripping hair; washing the soap off. Alex paused his work to watch as the sexy man unknowingly put on a show.

 _Get your head out of your ass, Hamilton_. Alex mentally chided himself.  _It's never going to happen._

After a while, Alex closed his eyes and Thomas got out of the water and dressed. Alex had washed Thomas' old clothes as well, and now they were all laid out on the rocks to dry. Thomas smiled at him as he sat down next to him.

Alex cleared his throat and scratched his neck, "Thank you for…. I appreciate… Um…"

"You're welcome." Thomas nodded, smiling a little. He fiddled with his wedding ring as he said, "And thank you for, you know, dealing with my depressed ass."

"Of course." Alex replied softly. He glanced over at Thomas, "How do you feel, by the way?"

Thomas paused, thinking. "Right now? Not too bad. Later? ...I don't know."

"Me too." Alex said, looking out at the water.

"Hey." Thomas nudged him, not continuing until Alex looked at him. "We're sticking together, okay? Ride or die."

Something about that made Alex smile. He said, a little teasingly, "Promise?"

"Pinkie promise." Thomas grinned, holding out his pinkie. The two looped their pinkies together and shook on it, chuckling to themsleves.

"Now you'll never get rid of me." Alex grinned, leaning into Thomas' space. The other man laughed and stood up, stepping away. Alex frowned a little at his sudden departure, but didn't bring it up.

Thomas looked nervous as he walked over to the horse that was chomping on some grass. "Yeah, yeah. Hey, uh, have you seen Chien?"

Alex was easily distracted by the change of topic. He stood up as well and looked around. He frowned when he didn't see the animal in sight. He tried to keep his voice casual as he said, "She probably ran off to chase squirrels. She'll come back. Don't worry."

Thomas didn't look so sure, "If you say so…"

The sun was still in the sky, so they decided to keep moving down the road. Alex wrung out their clothes as Thomas hitched the wagon back onto the horse. They climbed onto the horse's back once more and started down the road.

"Are you sure Chien will find us?" Thomas asked.

"Yeah, she'll be able to smell us." Alex assured him. "I promise you, she'll come trotting up in no time."

Thomas was quiet after that, and Alex wasn't sure if it was because of the missing dog or not. He chewed his lip and tried to not let the other man's mood bother him.

The birds chirped lazily as they trotted down the road. Riding a horse on cement was far different than riding a horse on gravel or dirt roads. The wagon was quieter behind them; the ride smoother. Alex was almost lulled to sleep by the rhythmic rocking of the horse's steps. The only thing that was keeping him awake was the anxious fingers that tapped on his hips. Thomas allowed him to hold the reins, while he wrapped his arms around Alex's middle. Every once and awhile, Thomas would lean forward a bit and rest his head on Alex's shoulder. Alex tried not to tense up each time he did it; because when he tensed, Thomas would pull away.

Alex wanted to desperately yell, ' _Come back and cuddle me!',_ but his pride wouldn't allow it. So he suffered in silence as Thomas danced behind him, just out of reach.

"Are those buildings?" Alex asked.

"Looks like it." Thomas nodded. "Another farm house?"

Alex hummed in agreement. "Doesn't look like a farm, though. Just some old buildings."

"Let's check 'em out." Thomas said, his voice right beside Alex's ear. Alex felt a shiver run through him at the feeling of it. He wanted to press his hand to the back of Thomas' head and guide the man's lips to skin. "It'll be dark soon."

They trotted past a car repair shop that had seen better days; an old cafe, and a general store, before they found the first little house. One of few; the town was no larger than four or five football fields. As they rode past, they ignored the rotting corpses that were sitting in the shade. None of them got up to chase them, so there was no point in addressing them.

Thomas smartly picked the house that had a fenced backyard. They got down and unhooked the wagon once more, leading the horse around to the backyard so it can stay in an enclosed yard. Thomas took the gun and broke into the house, while Alex decided he'd check out the little shed that was in the back. He used his knife to try to jimmy the lock. When that didn't work, he just broke off that part of the door and swung it open. He braced himself, just in case, but nothing jumped out at him. Stepping into the dark shed, he looked for some weapons or tools. He frowned when he saw nothing of the sort. A tye-dye tapestry was hanging on the ceiling and there were bean bags on the floor. An old tv sat on a box, a gamecube connected to it. Alex frowned to himself as he stepped further into the shed. Why would someone have a tool shed with no tools in it? If the owner wanted a chill room, why didn't they just use the space in their house?

Alex walked over to a desk that was in the back of the shed. He frowned at the glass objects that were gathering dust on the desktop. Opening one of the drawers, Alex realized what the purpose of the shed was.

"Ah." Alex said, picking up a plastic baggie that had some little green nuggets in it. This was the tamest drug in the desk. Alex scowled at the needles that laid in between an empty pill bottle and a package of white powder. He closed the drawer again. He stared down at the baggie that was in his hands and chewed his lip as he thought. He hesitated, but eventually shoved the baggie in his pocket. After a second's pause, he grabbed one of the glass objects as well.

Alex left after that, heading into the house. The horse ignored him as he walked past, satisfied to just eat the grass and relax.

"Thomas?" Alex called as he stepped into the house. It was dark, but still brighter than the shed. Alex could see where he was going at least.

"Whoever lived here had a thing for candles." Thomas said as a greeting. He was lighting a candle as he spoke, "I found, like, thirty in the kitchen. I bet an old lady lived here."

"I sincerely doubt that." Alex muttered to himself. He walked up to Thomas, taking the lighter from his hands to help light some more candles.

"There's only one bed." Thomas said, clearing his throat.

Alex forced himself to not smile, he tried to keep his voice casual as he muttered, "Damn. What a shame."

He glanced at Thomas and saw the man was already looking at him, a small smile on his lips. They both started to giggle a little, looking away from each other. Was this- was this flirting? Alex wondered. No, he was imagining it. Alex was certainly excited to share a bed with him; but the feeling wasn't mutual. Clearly.

"Have you checked for food?" Alex asked.

"Not yet." Thomas gestured to the candles. "I thought light was slightly more important."

"Fair enough." Alex took one of the candles - it smelled pleasantly of sugar cookies - and headed into the kitchen to look in the cabinets. Upon opening the first cabinet drawer, Alex almost cried out in joy. Trust a druggie to have piles of junk food on hand. He set down the candle on the counter and instantly started grabbing bags of chips and boxes of cookies. Cereal, fruit snacks, crackers, granola bars; anything Alex had been craving, it was sitting there, ready for the taking.

Alex returned to Thomas with arms full of food. He was grinning ear-to-ear as he said, "Tonight we feast like kings!"

Thomas gasped and excitedly grabbed some of the food from his hands. "Oh my god, thank you Jesus, I'll never doubt you again!"

Alex laughed and followed Thomas into the bedroom. They set up their candles around the room, providing enough light for them to see the snacks in front of them. They ate until they felt sick, and then they moved the food off the bed for later consumption. Alex stretched out on the bed, groaning as his muscles protested. He looked over to see Thomas watching him, the candle light making his already perfect skin even more lovely. Alex wanted to reach out and touch him.

Then he remembered what was in his pocket. He sat up suddenly, saying, "Oh, I got you something."

"It's not even my birthday." Thomas said, a curious tone in his voice.

Alex handed him the glass pipe and the baggie at the same time. "You talked about wanting some, so-"

"Holy shit, I love you so much! Is this real?" Thomas said in a rush, snatching the objects from Alex's hands, "This isn't real, oh my god, there's no way! Thank you weed god!" Thomas opened the baggie and inhaled deeply. He let out the most  _beautiful_  groan as he said, "Ugh, this shit's loud!"

"Um. Loud? No, it is I who loves you so much…?" Alex mumbled to himself, amused and excited and embarrassed all at once. He was smiling and felt his cheeks burn a little.

Thomas picked up one of the nugs and pointed to a small part of it, excited, "See how this bit's purple? And the rest is green? This is a hybrid strand; no doubt. Might be medicinal. Oh, this is gonna be good."

"Wait." Alex realized, his senses coming to him. He wrung his hands as he said, "Is- is it a good idea to smoke? What if something happens? What if there's zombies around?"

"Now you sound like Ja-" Thomas huffed. He couldn't finish the word, though, as a shudder ran through him, his eyes suddenly wide and distant. He swallowed hard.

Alex placed a hand on Thomas' shoulder. "Thomas?"

"Please, let me smoke this." Thomas said quietly, his voice shaking a little, "You don't have to, you can stay sober and watch out for danger, if it'll make you feel better. But I- I need this."

"Okay." Alex nodded. "I got it for you, I wanted you to have it. I just didn't want us to forget the risks."

"Thank you." Thomas said, offering him a small smile. "Close the door, for extra protection."

Alex climbed off the bed and closed the bedroom door, locking it just in case. He didn't think of anything about it until he climbed back into bed with Thomas. He paused slightly, realizing that if they were in a different time, a different world; such a thing would have very different implications.

"Do you smoke?" Thomas asked.

"Smoke what?" Alex dumbly replied.

Thomas grinned, shaking his head, "Pot, Hamilton. Do you smoke weed?"

"Oh. No." Alex said, "I probably won't tonight, either. You can have it all, I'll watch over you."

Thomas paused in his pulling the herb apart to look up at Alex. He smiled a closed-mouth smile, his shoulders lowering slightly and his eyes softening. Alex felt heat rise to his cheeks for the umpteeth time today.

 _It means nothing it means nothing it means nothing_. Alex repeated to himself. His stupid, hopeful mind supplied no heterosexual reason for that look, but Alex knew he was just fooling himself. Thomas was just thankful, that's all.

"Thanks." Thomas said softly. "I appreciate it."

"Yeah. Ride or die, right?"

"Right." Thomas grinned and got back to his work of pulling apart the nug. He carefully put the small pieces into the bowl. He was obviously excited - he licked his fingers after he was done handling it. "Now, the question is, do I wanna save it, or smoke it all right now?"

"You should ration it." Alex advised. "You don't know if you'll ever get more."

"Only the strongest of stoners can ration their weed." Thomas told him, picking up the bowl. He held his thumb over the carb and had the lighter hovering over the bowl. He winked at Alex and said, "Moment of truth."

Alex watched as he lit the bowl and inhaled, closing his eyes as he did so. When Thomas tilted his head up and exhaled the smoke, Alex decided he had never seen something so hot before in his life. Alex grabbed his rosary when Thomas moaned and looked at him with half-lidded eyes.

"Man, this shit smacks." Thomas informed him, grinning lazily, "You sure you don't want none?"

"No thank you." Alex voice sounded tight, even to him. But Thomas made no comment and simply took another hit of his bowl. Alex sat in silence and watched as Thomas smoked the entire bowl.

At some point, Alex decided they should get ready for bed while Thomas waited a minute before he packed another bowl. They didn't really have any pajamas, so their version of 'getting ready for bed' was really just 'take your jeans (and binder) off'. So they did.

This is how Alex ended up in bed with a pantless, high Thomas Jefferson. They were still sitting up, their backs against the headboard. Alex was trying to get the dirt out from under his nails as Thomas smoked his second bowl. Alex looked up to see Thomas staring at him with a dopey smile that took up half his face. His eyes were red and he seems to have forgotten that he still had some weed left, because his bowl sat in a limp hand on his lap.

Alex felt self-conscious the longer Thomas stared at him. "What?" Thomas' grin grew and he burst into small giggles, still staring at Alex. Alex started to smile, too, although he was still confused, "What? Why are you staring at me?"

"Nothin', nothin'." Thomas mumbled, tilting his head a little, as if he were trying to find the best angle to stare at Alex. "Y'all're just a cute-ass motherfucker."

Alex felt his face heat up at that. He blinked rapidly and let out a nervous giggle, "Uh- yeah? Um- thank- thank you?"

"You is!" Thomas grinned, leaning forward. He set his bowl and lighter down with great care, taking far too much time to make sure they were safe, before he turned back to Alex. He set his hand down on Alex's thigh, higher than sober Thomas would ever dare. "Did you know that? Did you know you're a cute-ass motherfucker?"

This isn't happening. There's no way this is happening. Maybe Alex fell asleep and this is a dream? Alex's heart was beating so loud he thought it was going to explode. The zombies would be able to hear his heartbeat from miles away. This is how he dies: by zombies or self-combustion, either way it'll be Thomas' fault.

"Thomas-"

"Oh, shit, I'm high." Thomas said suddenly, pulling away. He almost looked sober for a second, with the realization dawning on him. But then he started giggling again and sang to himself, "I'm so high and so dry, I'm sailin' in the sky..." He laughed and looked to Alex, "… I forget the rest."

Alex shook his head and huffed out a laugh. He settled back against the headboard and figured to not worry too much about what Thomas says right now. He's not thinking clearly. So if he compliments Alex, he shouldn't take it too seriously. That being said, he was definitely going to enjoy every second of this.  
Thomas remembered that he had more weed in his bowl then, and he took another hit, happily blowing a ring of smoke. He grinned and stuck his finger through the ring, watching as it faded away. He turned to Alex and froze, staring at him once more.

Alex's blush had just started to fade. He was calming himself down when he looked up at Thomas. The high man slowly started smiling, his gaze darting up and down Alex's face.  
"Why do you keep staring at me?" Alex asked, grinning.

"Cuz I forget how pretty you are 'til I lookit ya." Thomas said, a little shy. His eyes widened suddenly and he grabbed Alex's arm, "Am I allowed to call you pretty? Cuz you are! Boys can be pretty."

Alex laughed, nodding, "Yeah, it's okay to call me pretty."

"Good." Thomas said, relaxing. His hand stayed on Alex's arm. "Man, I skipped right past buzzed. I am- I am high."

"You've mentioned that." Alex grinned.

"It's cuz I haven't eaten. And I haven't smoked in forever." Thomas explained, waving his hand dismissively. "But you know what? I'm of the option-  _opinion_  that you can always get higher."

Alex shrugged and gestured to the bowl in Thomas' hands, "Go for it. I'll still be here."

"Promise?" Thomas asked, his voice sounding almost like a little boy's; scared and hopeful and sad all at once.

"Pinkie promise, remember?" Alex said, holding out his pinkie.

Thomas stared at it for a long time before he held out his own pinkie and squished them together. Different from normal pinkie promise fashion, but Alex was willing to allow it. Although the process was unique, the effect was still legally binding.

"Hella." Thomas said, taking his pinkie back to smoke some more.

It was quiet. From out the window, Alex could see the horse chilling outside. It ate some, then would walk two feet, and eat some more. Alex remembered reading somewhere that horses sleep standing up, and he was thankful that humans didn't do the same. His feet would fall off if that were the case.

Briefly, Alex wonders if he'd get a contact high from sitting next to Thomas. He doesn't feel any different yet, though, so he figures he's probably alright. Things were pretty quiet, even if he did get a little high, he doubts a zombie would come bursting into the room. He hopes.

"I wanna braid your hair." Thomas said suddenly.

Alex looked up in surprise, "What?"

"Can I?" Thomas asked, "Braid your hair?"

"Sure." Alex shifts so his back is to Thomas and the other man gently lifts his hair off his neck. Alex closes his eyes and enjoys the feeling of fingers sliding through his hair. It's calming; soft and soothing. Alex feels himself smile a little as Thomas curses quietly.

"Ah, fucked that bit up." He mutters.

A minute later and Thomas presents him with one thick braid going down his head. Alex smiles as he feels it with his fingers. "Not too bad."  
"I ain't got no rubber band." Thomas said apologetically, "It'll come out."  
"That's okay. I like it anyway." Alex assured him. "I don't have any hair ties either. All of mine broke."

Thomas pouted, "The apocalypse sucks."

Alex snorted, " _That's_  where you draw the line? Zombies are chill, but no hair ties? Unacceptable."

"Tis be true." Thomas said, shrugging. He leaned back and tilted his head up, looking at the ceiling. "I was learning how to braid hair for when Minnie got older. I was learning all kinds of hairstyles. I couldn't wait to do her hair before school one day. ...I never did."

Alex frowned, worried that Thomas would get upset again. Thomas' head rolled as he looked at him once more. He stared at Alex with a somewhat blank face. Alex had no clue what was going through his mind.

Suddenly, Thomas said without preamble, "Can I kiss you?"

Alex immediately felt his face burst into flames, "W-what?! Why?!"

Thomas shrugged nonchalantly, looking down at his lap, "Because I'm lonely. And high. And you're here. And cute. And I really wanna kiss you right now." He looked back up at Alex and raised an eyebrow.

"Because you're high?" Alex asked, his voice a little uncertain. He didn't want Thomas to want him just because he was intoxicated. He wanted something genuine, intimate, and real. Something he couldn't get in a zombie apocalypse.

"Is that okay?" Thomas asked, frowning a little at Alex; focusing on his expression. Alex didn't know the effects of cannabis very well; he had never done it and neither had his friends. So he wasn't sure what was going through Thomas' head. He figured it was best to be careful.

"...Yeah." He said after a moment of thinking. Thomas smiled brightly, and Alex quickly added, "But, uh, not on the lips? Since you're intoxicated, we shouldn't really do anything too … explicit. Keep it PG-13."

Thomas was nodding, his head bobbing for a few seconds too long. "Yeah, yeah, that makes sense." He stopped bobbing. He grinning and pointed at Alex, raising an eyebrow, "Thirteen year olds get away with a lotta shit."

"Nothing under clothing." Alex said firmly. "And no kissing lips. Not until you're sober."

"I'm basically sober right now." Thomas said, a slanted grin on his lips. He held out his arms in a wide gesture as he said, "I'm just living life!"

Alex snorted, shaking his head, "Somehow I don't believe that. I just watched you smoke two bowls."

"You are a good lawyer." Thomas giggled, a noise that made Alex smile and ignore his fluttering heart. Thomas then leaned forward, his hand coming up to cup Alex's cheek. It was warm and made Alex suck in a sharp breath. He stared into Thomas' dark eyes, enthralled by the intense focus the man had on him. Thomas licked his lips, his eyes locked on Alex's neck. "Hmm… can I leave pretty little bruises on your neck?"

Alex swallowed hard, already nodding before he could think through the consequences of the situation. "That's - that's okay."

In a flash, Thomas was instantly pressed against him. His hand moved to the back of Alex's neck, holding him in place, as his lips immediately found the juncture between Alex's neck and shoulder. Alex melted under his attention; letting out a sharp hiss as Thomas bit down on him. Thomas' tongue lapped at the bite mark, like an apology; before he sucked in the same spot. Alex closed his eyes, his breath hitching.

Thomas' hands moved to under Alexander's legs; without removing his mouth, the man picked Alex up and moved him on top of his lap. Alex groaned at the new position, letting his hands curl into Thomas' hair. Thomas moved up his neck, inch by inch, marking him up with all kinds of bites and scrapes. Alex couldn't stop the small, pleased noises that escaped his lips. His arms were wrapped around Thomas' head, keeping the man as close as possible.

"Fuckin' pretty boy." Thomas mumbled against his neck, "Pretty noises."

Alex couldn't help but let out a sharp gasp at that. Thomas' hands found Alex's hips, pulling him closer. Alex groaned at the strength behind those arms. Thomas could break him, easily; and yet, he always treats him so gently.

Just as Alex thought that, Thomas bit down on his collarbone, causing Alex to cry out. Thomas purred happily as he placed another hickey there. He moved up a moment later and bit Alex's shoulder. Thomas seemed to have a thing for biting. Alex didn't really mind.

Alex felt heat rise to his cheeks as Thomas sucked on his pulse point. The immigrant moaned and held Thomas there with all his strength, "Fuck- Thomas-"

"Hmmm." Thomas hummed, his hands traveling up Alex's body. He stayed above clothes, as instructed, and made sure to not travel too high or too low; keeping in the safe-zone of Alex's tummy. Alex told himself to praise sober Thomas for high Thomas' appropriateness. Alexander, however, was  _not_  following his rules.

He didn't realize he was rocking his hips until it was too late. By the time he realized it, he decided he wasn't going to stop. Thomas seemed to appreciate his movements and he didn't want to disappoint Thomas, right?

"God, you're gorgeous." Thomas whispered, his breath hot against Alex's skin.

Alex replied, just as breathless, "Look who's talking."

Thomas pulled back to look at him. He blinked rapidly, a wide grin slowly forming. He hid his face in Alex's neck, and Alex was sure that the heat there was from more than just his breath. Alex laughed at the feeling and mumbled, "What is it?"

"Nothin'." Thomas mumbled, "Nothin'."

"It doesn't seem like nothing." Alex grinned, feeling like he was flying. He was breathing hard and his body felt weightless. He was forgetting himself; letting himself believe that this was something he could have.

Instead of continuing the conversation, Thomas turned his face and bit down hard on Alex's neck. Alex groaned and his hips jerked. Thomas let out a growl as he fiercely pulled Alex's hips closer once more; keeping them in place as his own hips reached upwards.

Both men let out groans as their rocking got faster. Alex tugged on Thomas' hair and tilted his head up, staring into the other man's eyes. Their breaths intermingled as they panted rapidly. Alex  _almost_  leaned down and  _almost_ kissed Thomas, but then he remembered that the other man was high. His groan that time wasn't from the pleasure. Thomas whined as he pulled away, but Alex knew if his face stayed that close to him, he wouldn't be able to say no again.

Thomas returned to Alex's neck, moving to the other side. He gave it the same rough treatment as the first; now with the added bouncing of their hips. Alex cursed himself for setting up the PG-13 rule. Why would he do that when there was a gorgeous sex god that was desperately grinding against him? Why did he have to be responsible for once in his life? Alex let his mind wander; imagining all the things he could have had Thomas to do him, if he were a little more careless.

"My pretty boy." Thomas mumbled in Alex's ear, before he moved to kiss his jaw. Alex's already dark blush darkened even more at the words. He nodded enthusiastically, pressing himself against Thomas until there was no space between them. Their boxers left very little to the imagination; Alex knew exactly where to grind to get happily little gasps from Thomas. He could feel the moisture growing in his own boxers.

"T-Thomas, Thomas, stop." Alex heard himself say. He was sweaty and hot; his hands shaking from pleasure. He was gripping Thomas' hair, gently pulling him away from his neck. Thomas let out a disappointed groan, but looked up at Alex obediently. Alex rested his forehead on Thomas', taking a second to catch his breath. He swallowed and licked his lips, "We- we have to stop, or we'll do something you'll regret tomorrow."

"I won't regret this." Thomas said firmly, leaning up to press his lips against Alex's. Alex leaned back, turning his head away as he did so. Alex looked up at the ceiling and cursed God for putting such a difficult challenge before him. How was he supposed to  _not_  fuck someone so beautiful and helpless?

Alex let out a soft sigh, knowing what he had to do. He looked back at Thomas, removing his hands from his hair. He fiddled with his rosary as he said quietly, "You don't know that. You can't guarantee that sober you wouldn't be upset. I- I can't take that risk. You're all I have left and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt you. So, we have to take it down a notch."

Thomas stared at him for a moment; slowly he removed his hands from Alex's hips. He nervously fiddled with his shirt and glanced away. His voice was a little scared as he said, "Am I in trouble?"

"No! No! You've done nothing wrong!" Alex said, quickly trying to sooth the stoned man. "We just can't have sex!"

The man looked a little unsure. He reached forward, hesitantly, for Alex's hand. Almost like he was being held back, he couldn't close the gap. His hand stayed a few inches away from Alex's still reaching. Alex looked up from their hands to see Thomas was staring at the wall next to them. His next question was, "Can I keep kissing you?"

"Yes." Alex said, doing what Thomas couldn't and intertwining their fingers together. "But, like, be chill about it, okay?"

Thomas finally looked up at him. He saw Alex's small smile and relaxed; nodding. "Chill vibes."

"Chill vibes." Alex repeated, a laugh in his voice.

Eventually, they shifted until they were both lying down. Alex had an arm around Thomas' shoulders as the man rested his head on Alex's chest. Thomas' other arm was wrapped around Alex's middle. At one point, Alex carefully reached up and intertwined their fingers. Thomas was more than happy to oblige.

Thomas' kisses were long and lazy; slow drags of his lips against already red skin. It was calming. Peaceful. Alex felt his heart rate lower until he was sleepy. Thomas' arms were wrapped around him protectively, and Alex ran a hand up and down Thomas' back. Every now and again, Alex would gasp at the scrap of teeth, or a small nibble; or Thomas would let out the happiest sigh. Other than that, the two were silent as sleep washed over them. Even as he was falling asleep, Thomas still had his mouth pressed against Alex's skin.

Lazily, Alex turned his head and pressed a kiss to Thomas' forehead. The other man let out a very quiet, slightly surprised, "Oh.", which made Alex smile. Thomas pressed one last, tiny peck to Alex's shoulder before he dozed off entirely.

Alex forced himself to soak up every second of this, because he knew as soon as the sun came up that it wouldn't happen ever again.

* * *

Alexander woke up to a sudden cold and someone hissing out, " _Shit_!"

He blinked awake, squinting in the early light. He groaned and rolled over, looking for Thomas. The man was sitting up, staring down at him in horror. Confused, Alex sat up on his elbows, he yawned and rubbed his eyes, "Tom? What's wrong?"

"I-I am so sorry." Thomas said, covering his mouth with his hands. His gaze was staring down at Alex's neck. Alex forced himself to be fully awake then, sitting up. He placed his hand on Thomas' knee, his concern growing each second.

"What? Why are you sorry?" Alex asked.

"I wasn't thinking, I was high. I didn't realize it would be that bad and-" Thomas stopped, closing his eyes. He took a deep breath and said, "Go look in the mirror."

Still frowning, Alex got up and made his way to the bathroom. He found another candle, which he lit. As he stood in front of the mirror, candle in hand, it was clear to him what had horrified Thomas so badly.

He couldn't stop himself from shouting, "Thomas, what the fuck!?"

Deep, dark bruises covered almost all of Alex's neck. He felt like there wasn't one part of his neck that wasn't touched. Hickies up and down him, from chin to collarbone. He could see distinct bite marks in some places. His fingers gently brushed over one of the bigger ones. He shook his head, still staring at them.

"I look like I was beaten." Alex said, quieter this time. He swallowed at the sight of it. Even quieter than that, he mumbled, "Like I was  _claimed_."

He could hear Thomas' hesitant footsteps approach him. Alex cleared his throat and forced himself to stop thinking such gay thoughts. It didn't matter that the sight of the hickies made his heart flutter a little. He had more important things to think about.

Thomas hovered near the doorway, his eyes wide as he watched Alex in the mirror. Alex could see his hands were shaking a little, the man must be really worried about this. Alex frowned at that. Thomas spoke quietly, "I'm so sorry!"

"I can see your teeth marks." Alex muttered, tracing along one bruise.

"...Sorry." Thomas flinched.

"I have a job interview today, now I'll never get it!" Alex said, turning to glare at Thomas. He broke character when Thomas' eyebrows twitched in confusion. Alex couldn't help but grin, nudging the other man, "I don't care. It's fine."

"You're… not mad?" Thomas asked slowly.

"Nah. I was surprised, they look horrible."  _But they felt so good_. Alex silently added. He shrugged and patted Thomas' shoulder, "You're fine, don't worry."

He walked past the other man, going to pack up his things. He missed the look of utter relief on Thomas' face.

They didn't stick along for much longer. The cluster of buildings had little to offer. Thomas took a moment to call for Chien, but the dog was nowhere in sight. As they shoved everything into their bags, Alex glanced up to see Thomas staring at him. The man's face darkened and he looked away, leaving Alex to wonder just how embarrassed he was for his actions last night.

Should Alex apologize too? He was the sober one, he should have stopped Thomas from doing anything embarrassing. He told himself to have a better, longer conversation with Thomas over it later. Alex ran his fingers over his neck, where he new countless hickies sat innocently. He bit his lip to keep from smiling.

Regardless of the …  _evidence_  on his neck, Alex would happily let Thomas do it again. And again. Maybe tonight. Or tomorrow. He's not picky.

When they climbed back on the horse and started down the road once more, Alex caught Thomas' stare once more. The man was sitting behind him, per usual, and he licked his lips as the up-close sight of Alex's bruises. Alex smirked, shooting Thomas a wink, before turning around to face forward.

Thomas didn't wrap his arms around Alex's waist this time. He let Alex take the reigns and he kept as much space between them as possible on the small saddle. Alex tried to not over think things, but it was clear that this was bothering Thomas. He really should bring it up.

So, he started to plan an argument in his head.

 _It's okay that you made out with my neck like a starving vampire_. He would say.

 _Great, because I want to do it again._  Thomas would reply.

 _Perfect! Let's pull the horse over and make out right now!_  And then they'd have a glorious make out session on the side of the road, and since they're both sober, Thomas would kiss more than just his neck. And maybe they'd move some stuff around in the wagon, and use of the new space. And maybe they'd like it so much that they'd keep doing it. And Thomas would tell him that he loves him. And they'd get married. And a zombie would altar their wedding. And Chien would come back so they can have a dog again. And they'd live happily ever after.

No, no. He had to be  _realistic_  here. Alex scolded himself. It's fine to make-believe, but not when planning serious conversations. He has to  _focus_. Try again.

 _Are you okay?_  Alex would start. That's a good way to start serious conversations.

 _Yeah._  Thomas would say, because he doesn't want to worry Alex.

_You know we're alright, right?_

_What do you mean?_  Thomas would ask.

 _Well,_  Alex mentally paused, because he was supposed to be thinking.  _I don't mind the hickies. And I liked the kissing. You might have been high, but I was sober. If I didn't like anything, I would have stopped it. I did stop it. So it's okay. You don't have to feel guilty or awkward or anything. I had fun._

And Thomas would probably hesitate, unsure. Then he'd say something like,  _Do they hurt_? Because he's considerate.

 _No_. Alex would reply,  _Not really_.

 _So, do you want to do it again?_  Thomas would ask, all shy and adorable. And Alex would agree, and they'd pull the horse over and make out, and you know the rest.

Perfect.

Now Thomas just has to follow Alex's personal, mental script that he's not going to share. What could go wrong? Alex cleared his throat and said, "Uh, hey, Thomas?"

"Yeah?" Thomas said, already sounding unsure.

"I was wondering…" Alex said, turning around as much as he could on a horse. Thomas looked like he was holding his breath. Alex gathered his courage. This was so much easier in his head. Thomas glanced away from him, over his shoulder at the road ahead of them. Alex cleared his throat a little and said, "Are… are you oka-"

"What's that?" Thomas interrupted, leaning closer. But he wasn't looking at Alex, he was squinting at something in front of them. Alex turned around, confused. He completely forgot about what he was saying at the sight of a van on the side of the road. That wasn't the strange part, there were abandoned vehicles all over the place. What was strange was the noise.

It made Alex pause, as the horse got closer to the van and the noise grew louder. It was loud and shrill, rising and falling every once and awhile. Alex stopped the horse when they were five feet away. He gasped as the realization hit him.

"Thomas, that's a-"

But Thomas was already off the horse, running up to the van. Alex had a strange sense of deja-vu as he climbed off the horse as well. He jogged up to the van, watching as Thomas broke the glass in the back seat using the butt of his gun. The noise grew louder and Alex flinched at the sound of it.

Thomas, frantic, reached through the broken window to pull up the lock on the door. He then threw the door open and reached into the van. Alex covered his mouth with his hands as Thomas returned with a small, screaming bundle in his hands.

Breathing hard, Thomas' gaze snapped up to Alex's face, he didn't know what to say, and neither did Alex. It was clear neither of them had any idea what to do with the crying, terrified baby in Thomas' arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	18. When You Smile, I Am Undone

The baby was a little girl no older than five months. She had tan skin and almond eyes that were scrunched up as she screamed in defiance. Her crying simmered down slightly when Thomas held her close to his chest, allowing her to feel coddled and warm. Thomas bounced her gently, hushing her.

He shook his head, looking up from the baby to Alex, his eyes distressed. "Who the fuck would just  _leave a baby_  like this!?"

Alex stepped forward, glancing into the front seat of the car, "These guys, I guess."

Inside the car, in the front seat, was a mess of blood and grey matter. Alex scowled at the couple, clutching each other's hands tightly, eyes open and mouths agape. Flies were just starting to find their ways into the car. The man had a deep red - almost black - spot leaking in the middle of his shirt. The woman's hair was a mess with drying blood. The scene was fresh; the baby must've been alone for only a few hours. Alex swallowed and looked away.

He could feel Thomas move behind him, peering over his shoulder. Alex heard him such in a sharp breath, and he turned around to look at him. "Thomas?"

Thomas' voice was shaking as he said, "They- they just left her. They didn't even bother to shoot her too, they just-"

Alex put a hand on Thomas' shoulder, "Not everyone can do that kind of thing. It was selfish, but it didn't-"

"No, it's unacceptable!" Thomas interrupted, "Either she dies with you or you live with her, but you don't just abandon a baby!"

Alex looked away, pulling his hand off of Thomas. He scratched his neck and said, "Well, I mean, technically, she'd die with them, sooner or later."

Thomas' expression grew dark. "You want to leave her here?"

Alex hesitated, before sighing, "Thomas, we can't take care of a child."

"Why not?!" Thomas clutched the baby closer to him. She had calmed down now and was simply watching them bicker, unaware that her fate was in their hands.

Alex tried to keep his voice even as he said, "We have no food. We can't even feed ourselves, what makes you think we can feed a baby?"

"So you want to leave her here to die?" Thomas asked, his tone accusing. "You want her to starve? Or you want to suffocate her? Shoot her? Feed her to the zombies?"

"No, none of that!" Alex said, shaking his head, "I just want you to think rationally!"

Thomas scoffed, "I'm not being unreasonable. You can't justify leaving a baby out here, in the wilderness, like this."

"I can't." Alex agreed, "But… just… don't get too attached, okay?" Thomas' eyebrows twitched as Alex continued, "This baby, it… it's going to get hurt, Thomas. It's probably not going to survive. And I don't want you to set yourself up for heartbreak."

Thomas was looking down at the baby, his expression soft. "Yeah, well, too late."

"Don't name it." Alex warned, "You'll only get more attached."  
"I've been calling her 'Baby' in my head." Thomas said, brushing his fingers across Baby's cheeks. She babbled at him, grabbing for his hand. Alexander sighed. His point was already lost. The situation was out of his hands, now, it seemed. He just had one question.

"When are you going to stop trying to fix what you did?" Alex asked after a moment. He observed as Thomas froze. His shoulders stiffened and he cradled Baby even closer; like he was trying to merge with her. His teeth ground together, the tension in his jaw evenident. Alex paused, shuffling his feet, before he continued, "You can't bring Martha or Minnie back. You keep trying to make things better; with the pregnant woman, with Baby… When will this stop?"

"This isn't about that!" Thomas said sharply. He wouldn't make eye contact.

"Are you sure?"

" _Yes_."

The harshness of Thomas' tone made Alex pause. He swallowed and said, "...Okay. Okay. If you're sure, then… Let me hold Baby while you see if there's any baby supplies in the car. God knows we don't have any."

Thomas shifted, unwilling to let the infant go. When Alex held out his arms, Thomas finally, carefully, transferred Baby into Alex's arms. Alex stepped aside so the other man could explore the hot, smelly, dead-people-filled car. Thomas shot him a glare as he stepped closer to the van.

As Thomas opened the door a little further; all the disgusting stench of blood and slowly rotting flesh flooded out. Alex scrunched up his nose and backed up, keeping himself (and Baby) out of the range of the smell. Thomas gagged and made a sad noise in the back of his throat. He covered his nose with his shirt and dove into the smelly abyss.

Alex glanced around as Thomas searched the back of the car. He had a bad feeling about this; his gut curled as he shifted on his feet. Thomas made a pained noise, and Alex looked back at him. The man was stretched far into the car, his back muscles shifting under his shirt as he dug around. Alex's eyes travelled lower, lower,  _lower_  to the tight jeans that stretched over a rather toned ass.

Baby let out a loud screech and Alex was so startled he forgot about that glorious, wonderful ass.

 _Stop getting distracted_. Alex mentally scolded himself, focusing instead on the infant in his arms. She whined; kicking at him as she complained. Alex wondered, bitterly, if the baby wanted him to drop her. He wouldn't, obviously, but it certainly seemed like a possibility.

Ogling aside, that brings up a good point… Alex still needed to talk to Thomas about what happened last night. He knew that the other man was still embarrassed about it. And, secretly, Alex wanted to try to ensure that Thomas knew that they could definitely do such activities again. Every day. All the time.

"Baby bag!" Thomas called as he dropped a light pink bag on the ground behind him. The bag was full to the brim with baby stuff; which Alex was thankful for. He stepped forward a little and snatched the bag off the ground. He slid it onto his shoulder and situated Baby in his arms better.

She was still crying, which only made Alex flashback to a time when the baby in his arms was his own. The two instances really aren't that different. Alex: hungry, tired, and without guidance. A baby: unconsolable and angrier than thought possible. And a man: who Alex trusted dearly, although unexpectedly...

* * *

Angie was screaming so much, Alexander wanted to cry along with her. She kicked and swung her little arms around, demanding that her voice be heard. Alex heard her alright, he just didn't know what she wanted. Her diaper was clean and she had eaten only an hour ago. He racked his brain to figure out what was wrong; bouncing the baby on his hip as he thought. Every time he was close to a solution, Angie's pitch would spike and Alex's thoughts would scatter.

Philip had ran off to his room, just as grumpy as his little sister. Alex knew he had to take care of the toddler, too, but he had too much on his hands right now; there was no way he could juggle both of them.

He needed help, which is exactly why he called his friends.

John and Herc couldn't get away from work, but they promised to come by afterwards to pick up Pip. "Don't worry," John had told him, his voice crackling in the phone, "he can stay at his uncles' for a few days until you get your feet under you."

Alex wanted to kiss him; John had been like a second father to Pip; he always had Alex's back. But that was still four hours away, and Alex was exhausted on his feet. He swayed and gently patted Angie's back, hoping that would calm her down somehow. It didn't.

There was a knock at the door, and Alex jumped in surprise. The knock was immediately followed by a screaming from inside the house. Alex looked up and watched as Pip ran full speed, screeching, towards the door. His chunky legs didn't allow him to run very fast, but the four year-old still whipped past before Alex could react.

"Pip! Stop screaming!" Alex ran after the kid, holding Angie close to him. They met at the door, where Pip was too small to reach the doorknob. He was standing on the tips of his toes, reaching up, whining pathetically.

"Mommy?" Pip asked, hitting the door with his small hand, "Mommy! Mommy!"

"It's not Mommy, honey." Alex mumbled as he opened the door. Like an overexcited puppy, Pip tried to push himself out the door to get to whoever was on the other side.

"Mommy!" Pip shouted, before he was picked up by decidedly masculine hands. Pip stared at the face that was holding him, confused. "Not Mommy."

"Not Mommy." Aaron chuckled in agreement. He smiled at Alex, taking in the other man's pitiful appearance. He spoke over Angie's screams, "How's it going?"

"I-I don't know what to do anymore." Alex said, using his free hand to run his fingers through his greasy hair. "I needed help and I didn't know who else to call."

He let Aaron inside his home. The other man set Pip down, who sulked off once more. Aaron then took Angie from Alex's arms, allowing him a moment's rest. Alex shook the blood back into his hands as Aaron gently brushed his fingers over Angie's hair. The baby quieted a little, blinking up at Aaron between tears.

"She's not hungry or anything. She won't sleep, I don't understand - she wouldn't stop crying." Alex explained.

"Drink some water, take a breath, and sit down." Aaron ordered him, his kind eyes never leaving the baby. "Your anxiety is going to be the death of you. Don't worry about little Angie; I have her, she'll be okay."

Alex nodded in agreement, wholeheartedly willing to give up control for a few minutes. He slowly walked into the kitchen, his headache subsiding slightly as he filled up a cup and took sips of water. A soft tune drifted in from the other room, and, not a second later, Angie's cries fell silent. Thank you, Jesus. Or, in this case, Aaron. Same thing in Alex's mind.

Alex took another second to clear his thoughts before he returned to the living room, where Aaron was swaying back and forth, humming softly. Angie had fallen asleep in his arms, her face slack and peaceful. Alex felt his shoulders relax for the first time since Eliza left.

"She just wanted her pacifier." Aaron said, raising an amused eyebrow.

Alex groaned, "I'm so fucking stupid."

"It's okay, you look sleep-deprived." Aaron said, his eyes glancing up and down Alex's body. "It's not your fault. Sit down."

Alex did as he was told, sinking into the couch with a soft sigh. He closed his eyes and already felt himself try to drift off. He forced his eyes open, looking up at Aaron. "I thought I'd be okay on my own; it's not like I've never taken care of a baby before. But Angie doesn't like me, she cries whenever I hold her. She wants Eliza back."

"I think  _you_  just want Eliza back. Angie's an infant, Alex. She doesn't understand who's her mom and who isn't." Aaron said, "You just need to take a break, that's all. Go and take a nap, I'll watch over the kids."

Alex shook his head, standing up, "No, you don't have to-"

"That wasn't a suggestion, Alexander." Aaron said, holding Angie with one hand and using the other to steer Alex towards the bedroom. "Trust me. I left work for this. Washington thinks it's a family emergency."

Alex paused, frowning, "You could have just told him that I needed help with the baby."

"Sure, but then  _he_  would try to leave to come over and help." Aaron chuckled. "Now, go sleep. And change your shirt, you have baby puke on that one."

Alex glanced down and sighed at the sight of Angie's dried vomit. Begrudgingly, he shuffled away from Aaron, mumbling, "You're a life-saver."

* * *

"Here," Thomas said as he handed Alex the handgun that was in the woman's hand. Alex scowled, but put it in the baby bag. He didn't really  _want_  to use a gun that was a part of a double suicide, but they didn't really have a whole lot of options, here. Thomas started walking back to the horse, gesturing for Alex to follow him. "It looks like they ran out of food and gas, and instead of walking for forever, they decided to just…"

"Yeah." Alex said, bouncing a still-crying Baby. Thomas climbed up onto the horse first, settling himself at the back of the saddle. Alex grouched, "God, can you make her stop? I don't know what she wants."  
"Give her here." Thomas said, and Alex obeyed, carefully reaching up to transfer the baby. The man cradled Baby so gently, and the infant ceased screaming almost instantly. Alex scoffed, but Thomas beamed, when Baby turned to curl closer to Thomas' chest. "Aw, she likes me."

"Whatever." Alex grumbled, climbing onto the horse, careful to not jostle Thomas too much.

"Don't be jealous." Thomas teased, which only made Alex scoff again.

They started down the road once more, and Alex couldn't help himself from shaking his head. God, what were they doing? Taking a baby that they had no ability to care for. It didn't stand a chance, and Alex knew it.

The rocking of the horse's steps, along with Thomas' expert care, quieted the baby into silence. Alex was thankful for that, but then came another issue: If Thomas was holding Baby, Alex couldn't lean back into him.

And he knows that the jealousy quip was just a joke, but Alex still felt a little green monster awaken inside his chest at this realization.  _A child's life is more important than your dumb crush, Hamilton._  He reminded himself. And then reminded himself again. And again.

It was going to be a long ride.

* * *

They had to stop often for the baby. She wanted food or her diaper was full. Or she was too cold. Or the horse scared her. Or she just wanted to give Alexander a headache worse than a hungover rock concert.

Every time she screamed, Alex expected a hoard of zombies to jump out of the bushes and chase them down. He kept all these thoughts to himself, since Baby - however loud she may be - brought a smile to Thomas' lips.

No matter how many times the girl screeched or threw up on him, Thomas just brushed her little hair back and spoke kind words to her. Jealousy aside, it warmed Alex's heart to see the other man fuss over Baby. Thomas was such a gentle soul, which is completely unexpected, considering how he acted when they first met. It was bazaar, wasn't it? How much Alexander's opinion of him had changed. Alex wondered what Thomas thought of him.

Did he still think Alex was weak and annoying? Was he still willing to leave him to fend for himself? Or did he like Alex? Or, maybe, at least, find him useful enough to keep around?

Yes, a deep and powerful affection bloomed inside Alexander while he watched Thomas play with the baby, but so did a cold and painful doubt, and a sharp twist of envy that wound around the two; tying them together for eternity. It was in his design: Alexander could not experience love without also getting an accompanied dose of fear.

A voice, that sounded very much like the man he was thinking about, echoed in his head ' _That's called anxiety, Alexander'_. It sounded nicer when Thomas said it.

As night fell, they deemed it unsafe to continue travelling in the dark. The horse was tired, as were the humans, and it grew harder and harder to keep a look out for zombies.

They stopped on the side of the road, tying the horse to a road sign, while they sat around a small fire. Baby had thankfully fallen asleep easily. The poor girl was probably tuckered out; she had a stressful day. Alex munched on some chips he had taken from the druggie's house. Remembering where he got the chips reminded Alex of what happened there.

His eyes darted up to seek out Thomas. The other man was already looking at him, his lips parted, his gaze traveling up Alex's bruised neck.

Alex felt his face burn, he quickly looked away; choosing instead to stare into the fire. It was quiet, except for the bugs and the horse. Alex absentmindedly chewed at his nails, anything to keep his mind off his dumb, gay crush.

"Can I ask you a question…?"

Alex almost sighed. He knew that phrase very well. And that tone of voice, the nervous, hesitant kind of tone that hets got when they wanted to know about The Gays. Thomas had even used the same tone, the same phrase, on him before. He wondered what complex gay thoughts were confusing Thomas this time.

"Sure." Alex shrugged. Whatever Thomas wanted to know by now, it can't be that bad. They had already had the awkward coming out conversation. What would be next?

"Well, two questions, actually…" Thomas shifted. He was holding Baby, he seemed to like having the familiar weight of an infant in his arms. When Alex gestured for him to continue, he said, quietly and with a great blush, "Can you, like, feed Baby? With, um, you know, like…"

He cut himself off, clearly trying to not say ' _like a woman_ ', but his expression made his thoughts clear enough. Alex physically jerked back in surprise, that wasn't the question he was expecting. He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but a conversation about chestfeeding wasn't it. He felt his heart twist painfully, "No! Well, yes, but, no! I mean, technically, I probably could, just like you could, too. It's possible for cis men to produce milk. So. Um. Yeah." Alex cleared his throat, crossing his arms over his chest self-consciously. "But it would be… not good. For me."

Thomas nodded, looking away. "Okay, cool, cool. Sorry, I was just curious; I didn't know…." He took a deep breath and then mumbled, "My other question, uh…"

Alex glanced over at the other man when he didn't continue his sentence. Thomas was staring down at his feet, his fingers fiddling with Baby's blanket as he thought. Alex whistled, startling Thomas into looking at him. He raised an eyebrow and said, "The second question?"

Thomas stared at him for a moment, his eyes wide, then his gaze skittered off and he muttered, "Nevermind."  
"What was it?" Alex prodded.

"No."

"Tell me."  
" _No_."

"Thomas, c'mon, what's so bad that you won't even ask?" Alex said, a touch of annoyance leaking into his voice. He was playing with fire, he knew it, but what else could he do? If he ignored it, the curiosity would kill him. How often does Thomas think about him? And in what ways? Is he interested because being trans is a fundamental aspect of Alex's life; because he cares? Or does he simply see Alex as a science experiment? You can never tell with straights.

Thomas took in a sharp breath and said, all in one, "Are you gay?"

"W-what?" Alex sputtered in surprise. He sat up straight, running his hands down his thighs nervously.

Thomas couldn't look him in the eye as he backtracked, "I just meant, since you're married to Eliza, but you're, um, a transitioner-?"

 _Oh_. Alex thought, somewhat relieved,  _He's just being transphobic again._

"No." Alex sighed, unsure if he should feel grateful for the slight change of subject or not. "Since I am a man, and Eliza is a woman, our relationship would be considered 'heterosexual' in the eyes of cishet society."

Thomas looked uncomfortable again, "Was Eliza gay?"

"Not that it would matter, but she was bisexual." Alex said with a sniff, the cold wind whipping at him. "We both are."

"You- you are?" Thomas' eyebrows rose, his entire posture changing. He shifted, averting his gaze to look down at Baby, who was sleeping peacefully in his lap. Alex watched as the other man licked his lips, mouthing something to himself. Alex thought the conversation was over then, so he turned to look at the sky. He was surprised to hear a tentative, "But… you married a woman. You had kids."

Alex looked back at him, keeping all frustration out of his voice, he said calmly, "That doesn't make me any less bi."

"It doesn't?" Thomas sounded unsure.

"When you date a woman, are you no longer attracted to other women?" Alex asked. When Thomas shook his head, Alex made a vague gesture, "Same thing. Being married to a woman didn't make me any less attracted to both men and other women." Alex jabbed his thumb at himself and said with a lazy grin, "Married, still bi."

"...Oh." Thomas said quietly, looking up at the stars once more. The horse sneezed somewhere to their left. Alex wrapped his arms around himself to fend off the cold. A sudden voice made him look back over to Thomas. "How did you know?"

"That I was bi?" Alex clarified. When Thomas gave him a shaky nod, Alex shrugged. "I dunno. I guess I was just one of the ones that always knew. I didn't have a big gay realization or anything. I just always liked who I liked and I never really saw a problem with that."

He had enough on his mind juggling his gender dysphoria to worry about silly things like sexuality. It was obvious from the very beginning; Alexander Hamilton was bi, and he always will be.

Thomas didn't say anything else after that, and Alex was so cold he almost died. The fire was doing little to warm him against the cold night air.

Thomas, noticing his shivering, suggested that they move to the wagon. "It'll be good to get off the cold ground. And there's blankets."

Alex agreed instantly. The two men climbed into the wagon, carefully keeping Baby close to them as they settled. Alex somehow ended up on his side, pressed up against Thomas, on his right. Thomas' arm was around his back, and Baby laid on top of Thomas' chest, with Alex's hand over her small tummy. Alex had a leg across Thomas' waist, something he doesn't remember doing. Alex glanced up at Thomas, who shifted under his stare.

"Have to keep Baby warm, right?" Thomas sniffed; his way of asking if their positioning was alright. Alex hesitated, only just then realizing how close they were pressed up together. Was it normal to be platonically cuddling another man like this? Even in apocalyptic situations, such as their own? Did Alex even care what was considered "normal" anymore? He didn't know.

Alex closed his eyes, fighting his blush, as he snuggled closer and mumbled, "Yeah, exactly."

"Good." Thomas' voice was soft with strange emotions hidden underneath. Alex closed his eyes, his heart fluttering in his chest as he curled closer to Thomas. He put faith in the horse to cause a loud racket if a zombie approached, and gently lulled himself to sleep.

* * *

Baby's screaming woke Alex up. He startled, lurching forward, and in doing so smacked his head against Thomas', who was doing the same thing. They both hissed in pain and pulled away from each other. Thomas recovered faster, turning to pick up Baby.

Alex rubbed his head and glanced around, ensuring that there's no zombies approaching. They were safe. For now.

Thomas shushed Baby easily; she curled up against him, her tiny fingers gripping his dirty shirt. She continued to cry, although quieter now. Thomas checked her diaper before sighing, "She's probably hungry."

"There was baby food in that bag we stole." Alex yawned, turning to search for it in the supplies around them. He spotted it a few feet away and pulled it closer to them, looking inside. With a satisfied smile, he pulled out a bottle and a packet of formula. "It needs water."

"Use some of mine." Thomas nodded to his water bottle. Alex glanced up at him, wondering if he was aware that this meant that he would have less water for himself.

 _Well,_  Alex thought as he grabbed Thomas' water bottle,  _wouldn't you give Pip and Angie your rations?_

With that reasoning, Alex felt guilt rush in him. Should he be giving the baby his rations as well? Is he being selfish by not sharing? Is he supposed to feel morally obligated to help the baby, like Thomas is? Or is it also guilt that fuels Thomas' motives…

It is far too late to be thinking such things, Alex decided. He handed the bottle, now with formula-milk inside, to Thomas, who took it gratefully. Alex watched as the other man sat up and plonked the nipple of the bottle into the screaming baby's mouth. The infant stopped protesting immediately, happily slurping down her meal.

Alex yawned and shared a tired look with Thomas. He tried to smile, but it probably just came out as a grimace, "I haven't been woken up by a baby in, like, seven years."

"I guess I'm still used to it." Thomas said quietly, "It's like, instinctual, to just wake up and save them.  _What's wrong? Why are you sad or scared or angry? Are you hurt?_ It's the first thing I think, before I'm even fully awake."

"Hmm." Alex hummed in agreement, his half-lidded eyes watching Thomas intently. What was it about children that made guys look more attractive? He could tell he was going to drift off, watching the distracting man feed Baby. As he curled up and fell back into slumber, he thought he heard a soft humming.

* * *

Alex didn't complain the next time they stopped at a body of water, only because Thomas promised him that he didn't have to bathe. Instead, he watched as the man lovingly washed the dirt and sweat from Baby's skin. As if he couldn't get any more perfect, the man started to sing quietly to Baby as he washed her.

"Rubber ducky, you're the one…" He said as Baby splashed the water around her, "You make bath time so much fun. Rubber ducky, you're the one for me..."

"Boo!" Alex jeered, causing Thomas' head to snap up to look at him. He blushed a little as if he forgot Alex was there. Alex shifted at his spot on the shore; Thomas and Baby were only a few feet away from him, resting in the shallows. "How cliche, mix it up a bit. You don't want her to be basic, do you?"

Thomas rolled his eyes and continued to bathe the child. Alex laughed, and figured that he wasn't going to continue his song. He started to space out, but was jolted back to reality when Thomas did, in fact, continue his song. "I love my rubber ducky, I'm in this lake, all muddy, my ducky isn't fuzzy, I know my ducky loves me-"

Alex's mouth fell agape; he laughed, but immediately covered his mouth with his hands, in fear that Thomas would stop again. The man was - he was  _rapping_  about  _Sesame Streets_. Alex wanted to dance, this was amazing. He wished he could record it; keep this moment forever, watch it over and over and over again.

Far too fast, Thomas was done washing Baby, and the show was over. Alex was still smiling, even as Thomas raised an innocent eyebrow and strutted past him without a second glance. Even still, Alex could see the blush high on the other man's cheeks.

"Impressive." Alex praised casually.

"You'll come to find, I'm a man of many talents." Thomas said with a wicked grin. Alex shook his head and wondered what why that felt like a promise.

* * *

They've spent three nights with Baby, and it did not take long for Alex to fall back into the routines of early parenthood. When Baby woke them up with a great and mighty screech. Alex groaned and ran a hand down his face. He sat up and gently pushed Thomas back down.

"I got this one." Alex mumbled, getting up as Thomas laid back down.

Yawning, Thomas mumbled, "Thanks, darlin'."  
It was far too early in the morning for Alex to correct him. He smiled to himself, but forced his focus to remain on Baby. He took her into his arms, grabbed the baby bag, and climbed off the wagon to give Thomas some quiet. Alex hushed Baby gently as he sat down a few feet away. With one hand, he pulled open the baby bag and shifted through to find a formula packet. He glanced inside and frowned when he saw there were only six packets left. He shuddered to imagine what would happen once they could no longer feed her. He shifted uncomfortably and pushed away the thoughts. With minimal help from Baby, Alex was able to fill a bottle with his water - yes, he's sharing now, apparently. What? The kid was cute. - and the formula. He shook it up and promptly stuck it in Baby's mouth.

Silence at last.

Alex relaxed and tilted his head up to look at the slowly rising sun. He let himself take a deep breath, realizing just how exhausted he was. His body hurt; his heart hurt. Everything was so different from before, the world wasn't even recognizable anymore.

"I'm sorry, Baby." Alex said, looking down at her, "You'll never get to know an easy life. No child ever will again. Not with zombies on the loose."

He pauses, thinking. He stares at the clouds slowly slinking across the sky. He curls up closer to the child when the wind picks up a bit. It's getting colder. Alex clears his throat and continues, thinking out loud, "What's worse? To be in my generation; and to know a world of peace, and have it ripped away from you? Or to be one of you, the young ones, who will never be safe?"

Baby blinked slowly at him, starting to fall back asleep. He shrugged and looked over at the wagon, where Thomas soundly slept. "I don't know, either."

* * *

"Hello?" Alex answered the phone, sitting up in his bed. With a yawn, he glanced at the clock; it was almost three in the morning; one of the rare times Alex is asleep.

"Bitch, I'm pissed." A familiar voice said. Alex held back a chuckle as he shook his head and responded with his usual, "Tell me, bitch."

Pegs' voice flooded over him as he sat up and stretched. He knew he wasn't going back to sleep anytime soon. He could practically imagine Pegs pacing around their room as they said, "So I called the disability center and told them that I was having trouble in class and you know what they did? They gave me a fucking iPad, like that would  _help me_  somehow. And Angie doesn't see anything wrong with it, big shocker there, and I've been up all night on this dumb ass iPad,  _not doing homework_ -"

"Pegs," Alex said gently, "Do you want to go to the gym?"

The sigh that followed was full of relief, "God, yes, I need to punch something."

Alex chuckled, climbing out of bed. "I'll be by in a little bit to pick you up, okay? Let me get ready."

"Okay." Pegs sighed, "Thanks, Al. I didn't want to wake up Lizzy..."

"No problem." Alex waved it off, even though he knew they couldn't see him. "You'd do the same for me."

"Exactly. Okay, I'll see you in a bit." Pegs said before quickly hanging up.

Alex pulled his hair up into a ponytail and changed into sweats. He grabbed his keys and put his phone in his pocket, silently stepping out of his room; careful to not wake up John. He snuck down the hall swiftly before slowing at the sound of soft conversation. He frowned, was it the tv? John should be asleep, who else was here?

He halted just around the corner and listened intensely for some kind of clues.

"...sorry..." That was definitely John. "I-I didn't mean to drop all of this on you or anything, I just..."

"Hey, hey, hey, shhh..." That was Herc. Alex' frown deepened; he didn't know the other man came over. Why did John sound like he was crying? What did he do to him?! Alex was ready to rush around the corner and beat the shit out of the other man, but his next words made him pause. "You're so strong for telling me this... You didn't have to. I'm-I'm sorry that happened to you, but I would never do that."

Alex slowly peaked out at the duo. They were sitting on the couch; John curled up on himself, his face turned away. Herc was completely facing him, his eyes wide with concern. John wiped his nose with his arm.

"I-" John started, then stopped. He swallowed hard, and then tried again. His voice was so quiet that Alex almost couldn't hear him, "I'm sorry. I guess Alex just got in my head. He's intimidated by you, cuz you're so damn big."

Herc let out a breathy little chuckle - a playful scoff - that was quickly silence. He carefully took John's hands, "I promise you, I will never hurt you. Never."

"I know." John said quietly, his eyes averted. Alex wondered how many times he had been told the same thing, only for it to be a lie. Alex's heart ached, he just wanted to protect his friend. John took a deep breath, then said, still staring down at his lap, "I think I would like to date you."

Alex watched Herc's entire reaction. He saw how his eyes flashed wide, how his lips parted, then spread into a grin. He saw how Herc's gaze darted away, then back, then away again. He saw the little squirm the bigger man's body did; excited energy escaping. He even saw the forced calm that washed over him as he gently turned John's head to face him. John was stiff, unwilling to make eye contact. Herc ducked to get a better look at him, "I would love that. Yes, God, I want to be your boyfriend so bad."

John's gaze darted up, locking with Herc's. "What?"

"I want to date you, too." Herc said, almost giddy. "I've been trying to figure out how to ask you."

Alex stayed just long enough to watch John's face melt into excited wonder and joy. He snuck back to his room, deciding to give the two some privacy. He figured he could wait twenty minutes and then casually stroll out then. He texted Pegs to let them know he'd be late.

 _Guess I don't have to worry about Herc anymore_. Alex thought to himself as he replayed what he just saw over and over in his head. Peace washed over him for a moment; that's a huge weight on his shoulders. Now he just hoped that their relationship didn't crash and burn. He had no predictions; he really had no idea what the future would entail now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	19. We'll Bleed and Fight For You

Alexander woke up shivering; his teeth clenched together, just painful enough to jerk him into awakening. As he tried to stand up, his mind grew fuzzy and he could feel the world spinning a thousand miles an hour. He took a shaky breath and sat back down, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing.

The sensation passed a moment later, and Alex blinked his eyes open. He was sweating and panting, despite the fact that he could see his own breath. He looked up and his gaze instantly searched for Thomas' familiar, bushy afro.

Thomas was, bizarrely, doing push up in the dirt a few feet away from the wagon. Alex watched as his body went up, down, up, down, in quick succession. He found himself breathless once more.

Alex forced himself to look away, turning to the rest of the wagon, where Baby sat peacefully. She was asleep, but it didn't look like for long. She was squirming and her face was scrunched up. Alex could tell she was going to wake up soon. She must've read his mind, because she opened her eyes and gave a giant, angry, wail.

Thomas jumped up instantly, jogging over to them. Alex felt tired just looking at him. How did he have so much energy? Alex just wanted to lay back down and not get up again.

"Hey, shh, shh, shh," He said, picking the baby up carefully over the side of the wagon. He shot Alex a smile as he bounced Baby in his arms. Baby just continued crying. "Maybe she's hungry."

Alex shook his head, "Look at her fingers, they're turning blue, she's cold."

Baby only had her blankie wrapped around her, which wasn't too thick to begin with. Alex sympathized with her, he also woke up freezing and wanting to cry.

He took off his sweater and laid it out in front of him. He then took Baby from Thomas and carefully placed her inside his sweater. He folded up the bottom of the sweater, and then wrapped the sleeves of the sweater around Baby's small tummy twice, and tied the sleeves together. This effectively swaddled Baby, making her look more like a large, fluffy, screaming, tater tot. Baby stopped screaming once Alex cradled her close to his chest, and she finally fell back asleep.

Thomas let out a low whistle, "That's impressive."

"I know a few things." Alex shrugged, winking.

Thomas leaned against the wagon, smiling a little, "How'd you sleep?"

"Alright. I'm lightheaded now, though." Alex said, frowning in thought. His stomach ached and he itched to jump into a pool of water. It wasn't hard to figure out what's wrong.

"You're hungry." Thomas said.

"I'm starving." Alex corrected, with no sense of hyperbole. "You are, too, so you really shouldn't be doing pushups first thing in the morning."

Thomas shrugged, but nodded; like he knew what he doing was wrong, but he couldn't stop himself. "Exercising calms me down. I used to do it every morning, and I just- I guess I needed to get back into the routine."

"We can't afford for you to get back into the routine." Alex chided gently, "Thomas, we need to find more food, soon."

"I know. But we'd have to go into the next town we see, and I don't want to bring Baby in there," Thomas said, gently brushing his hand over Baby's covered head. "And I don't want to leave you alone with her."

"Then you stay with Baby, and I'll go into the city and get more supplies." Alex said, but before he even finished his sentence, Thomas was already shaking his head.

"No, no," He said, "I'd much rather leave you here, with the horse, who could take you far away if trouble happens. You don't need to go into the dangerous areas, especially not alone."

Alex scoffed, "Thomas, unlike you, I can run. I'm not worried about escaping out of a tricky situation, I've done it before."

Thomas growled, "Don't fight me on this, Hamilton. If I say you stay here, where it's safe, then you stay here, okay?"

"Who made you in charge?" Alex asked. He doesn't know why he's picking fights, but he couldn't stop himself. He was hungry and tired and his body was sore - it was hard to remember that they were on the same team.

Thomas blinked, startled, before he huffed, "Look, I'm just trying to keep my Number One alive, okay? I'm not the bad guy here."

"Well, neither am I." Alex muttered, ignoring the way his heart fluttered. Focus, Hamilton. He told himself, he just doesn't want to be alone with a baby. He nodded to Thomas and said, "I just want to make sure you don't do anything stupid and reckless. I don't know if you've heard, but that's  _my_  department."

Thomas watched him for a second, before he tipped his head back and groaned loud enough for God to hear him. He rubbed his face and mumbled, "We need a third person to settle our arguments."

Alex heard what he didn't want to say, what he couldn't say. It echoed in the wind around them, rustling with the falling leaves.

We need James.

Alex couldn't help but agree. A deep ache fills his bones and he wished, once more, that he wasn't in this situation. Briefly, he contemplated laying down in the middle of the road and not getting up. He imagined the weather changing, snow falling on top of him, covering him until there was no trace of a body under the white blanket…

Baby makes a whining noise in her sleep, she shifts closer to Alex, and both men find themselves sharing a smile. Thomas chuckles and brushes his fingers over Baby's cold cheek, "Yeah, sorry, darlin'. You're the third person, we know. Our apocalypse team wouldn't be complete without you."

Almost as if she heard him, Baby whined again, sounding far more satisfied. Alex chuckled, looking up at Thomas. The other man took a deep breath and then patted the wagon twice. "Okay. Let's get going, then. We'll continue this debate later." Thomas said, heading over to hook up the horse. Alex twisted around and watched him work. He hesitated, uncertain about moving. He spoke up once Thomas was done.

"Can I sit back here?" Alex asked, "With Baby?"

Thomas paused in his process of climbing up on the saddle. He frowned a little and moved closer to the wagon, inspecting him, "You feel okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Alex said, unable to make eye contact. "I just… need a rest?"

"And sitting on a horse isn't restful?" Thomas asked, his tone light and teasing.

Alex shrugged, "Not exactly."

Thomas waved it off, "No worries. You can even go back to sleep, if you want. Just make sure you don't squish Baby."

Alex bit his lip, guilt washing over him, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, no worries." Thomas grinned, and Alex wondered just how forced the expression was. He could never really tell when Thomas was genuine or not. But when he spoke next, his voice was soft and his tone warm. His eyes were gentle and Alex felt like he was being wrapped up in a blanket just from looking at him. A shiver went down Alex's spine as Thomas promised, "I'll take care of you."

He nodded and laid back down, holding Baby close to him. A moment later, he could hear Thomas climb onto the horse, and then they were off once more. Alex closed his eyes and cuddled close to Baby, hoping to keep her warm. The rocking of the wagon put Alex into a quick and much-needed sleep.

* * *

When Alexander woke up, the first thing on his mind was ' _I need to talk to Thomas_ '. It had been a few days since they were at the druggie's house, and Thomas got high and - ahem -  _enjoyed_  himself. But they hadn't talked about it. Alex tried, but every time he brought it up they got interrupted, or Thomas would change the subject. It was frustrating, to say the least, because Alex had no clue what Thomas was thinking half the time. Did he regret it? Alex certainly hoped not.

Baby was still sleeping, so Alex shifted around until she was settled in a safe spot on the wagon, and he could sit up to look around. Thomas was no longer on the horse, instead, he chose to walk beside it as they trotted along.

"Good morning." Alex said, startling the other man out of his thoughts. He turned and looked at him, quickly wiping at his face. It was clear the other man was upset, but Alex didn't want to pry. If Thomas wanted his help, he would ask for it. Besides, he was probably just upset about their situation; being alone with your thoughts wasn't a good option for those who had trauma. There wasn't a whole lot Alex could do to fix that.

Thomas cleared his throat, "Hey. You're up."

"Why are you walking." Alex asked as a response.  
"I got tired of sitting still. The horse is nice, but it gets … I don't know the right word, but, disorienting? Just sitting there, doing nothing all day." Thomas shrugged, "I needed something to do, even if it was just walking."

Alex nodded, "Who knew the apocalypse would be so boring."

Thomas chuckled at that, "It's certainly not like the movies."

And that's true. No one talks about all the dead time you have to waste, because there's nothing to do and nothing to distract you. It's like taking a long road trip, without any phones or books or music, and you just sit in silence because you're afraid that if you're too loud, another car will come by and smash into you, killing you and everyone you love. It's a strange mix between being constantly anxious and constantly bored.

Alex leans on the edge of the wagon, propping his head up with his hand. "So… my hickies are fading."

Thomas almost trips.

Alex watches with a smirk as the other man stumbled and regains balance, his face red and his gaze focused on the ground. Thomas doesn't reply, too busy imagining the error 404 window, so Alex continues, tracing the wood of the wagon with his finger, "It might be time to make some more…?"

"W-w-what?!" Thomas looks up at him, then. Alex thinks he sees fear in those eyes, and he forces himself to reel it back in. Okay, obviously, Thomas doesn't like him. He should stop while he's ahead.

Alex swallows hard, looking away. "Only if you want to. I just thought… since you needed something to do."

"I'm- I'm sober." Thomas said, his eyes boring deep into Alexander's. He looks like he's trying to project his thoughts into Alex's head, but the smaller man is just lost. What does  _that_ mean? He doesn't want to touch Alex unless he's high? Ouch.

"Ah. Right." Alex said quietly, leaning back. "Sorry."

"No, I mean-" Thomas said, before letting out a soft huff. Now Thomas looks - disappointed? -, turning to stare back down the road they were going down. The horse slowed to a halt, getting distracted by a puddle. It leaned down to drink the dirty water, swishing its tail as it did. Thomas came to a stop next to the wagon. Since Alex was sitting on top of it, they were almost eye-to-eye. It made Alex feel tall. Thomas shook his head and muttered to himself, "I'm so confused."

Alex sighed and looked up at the sky. His voice was quiet as he replied, "Me too."

Thomas sucked in a deep breath and then turned to Alexander, "Were you lying when you said I could touch you?" Surprised, Alex didn't say anything. He couldn't find the words. Thomas carried on, his eyes calculating, his tone even. But Alex could see the way Thomas' hands were shaking. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

"No, not at all." Alex said, shaking his head, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Thomas gestured to the fading hickies on Alex's neck, "Oh, you mean that little stunt just then?"

Alex frowned, his eyes narrowing, "Little stunt?"

"You're making fun of me." Thomas said, his hands clenched into fists, "Aren't you?"

Alex leaned forward, his pitch rising, "Why would I be making fun of you?" He forced himself to take a deep breath. Getting in a fight wouldn't help anything. Alexander's completely lost on why Thomas lashed out, but he wasn't going to fall for the bait. He gave the other man a smile, holding out his hand, "Thomas, if touching me helps you, then you can do it whenever you want. I thought you knew this."

Thomas blinked hard, his eyes locked on Alexander's hand. He carefully reached for it, like he thought Alex was going to snatch it away. When their fingers brushed, Thomas relaxed. Alex's smile grew to be more genuine and he brushed his thumb up and down Thomas' hand. Thomas shook his head, scoffing at himself, "I'm sorry. I'm in a weird headspace…"

"Are you okay?" Alex asked, giving Thomas' hand a squeeze. "I'm worried about you."

Thomas stared at Alex for a long time, his eyes darting between Alexander's, like he wasn't sure which on to focus on. He let out a shuddering breath and then leaned forward suddenly. His hand that was holding Alex's slid up to cup his face gently. He licked his lips, his eyes trained on Alex's mouth. Closer, closer, closer-

Alex squeaked and pulled back, Thomas' face only inches away from his own. His cheeks flushed, and his mouth went dry. He could only hear the thundering of his own blood in his ears.  
Alex's voice definitely did  _not_  squeak as he asked, "W-what are you doing?!"

Thomas' expression was raw, vaulerable, and Alex had no idea why. His hand dropped from Alex's cheek, leaving his skin cold without the contact. Thomas swallowed hard and said quietly, "I- sorry, I just, you said that …. And with James-"

"James never let you kiss him." Alex said, stupidly. In his head, his brain was screaming at him ' _What are you doing!? This is what you want! Let him kiss you!'_  But Alex just couldn't. He was too startled, too confused, he needed to know what was going on. He hated being in the dark and it feels like he was just plummeted into the deep ocean with no sunlight in sight.

Thomas opened his mouth to speak, but what came out instead was a cry. No, that wasn't Thomas. That was Baby. Alex turned to see the infant, wailing beside him. He found himself relaxing, knowing that the tension in the air had dissipated. Still, he kicked himself for interrupting them. Now he'll never know what could have been.

"I-I got it." He said under his breath as he grabbed Baby and held her close to his chest. She continued crying, and Alex realized that she hadn't eaten yet today.  _Make that two of us_ , he thought as he dug around the baby bag for something for her to eat. He looked up at Thomas, who was watching him carefully. Alex held up the formula packet, "This is the last one."

It took Thomas a moment to respond, his gaze slowly sliding from Alex's face to the packet. He nodded once; Alex could see the gears turning in his head. "Okay. ...Okay."

Alex fixed up her drink and watched as Thomas paced. He frowned a little, "You better not be planing anything stupid."

"Me? Never." Thomas replied without looking up. Alex pouted, but Baby had stopped screaming, so he figured the issue could wait a moment longer. Still, he looked down at the child in his arms, a dark feeling sinking into his chest. He knew this was a mistake the moment Thomas picked her up, but they were stuck on this ride now, and it was only a matter of time before they crashed.

* * *

It started raining, and this time Alex was less than excited about it. He had Baby in his lap, and wrapped them both up in a blanket. While Baby was dry and warm, the wet blanket stuck to Alex's shoulders, and made him shiver. Thomas was sitting in the rain, on the horse's back, keeping them moving forward. Alex watched as water poured on the other man, dripping down his back, flattening his hair.

"You're going to get sick." Alex called after a few minutes of silence. A particularly cold raindrop fell on the top of his head; Alex could feel it roll slowly down his face, dropping off his chin. A sense of unease filled him, for just a moment. He took a deep breath. He would not get scared. It was just rain. He would not freak out. He's not drowning.

Thomas shrugged, but didn't speak, nor did he turn around.

Alex frowned, his breath quickening. He called again, "Thomas. Come on, we need to stay warm."

Still, nothing. Alex's eyes snapped shut and the cold embraced him. Thunder boomed and Alex flinched. He felt like he was being sucked lower and lower, dropping through the floor and into the darkness. He could see Thomas looking down at him, getting smaller and smaller until there was nothing but the empty abyss of panic.

"THOMAS,  _PLEASE_!" Alex shouted, scaring Baby into crying. All Alex could focus on was the sound of the storm, the rain falling down on them, filling up the wagon, soaking, sopping, freezing, crying, dirty, drowning, dying-

"Hey, hey! It's okay, I got you, I got you." Strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer, and suddenly Alex felt like the baby. He pressed his face against the strong chest, focusing on the slow, even movements of the other man breathing. The heartbeat under his ear was pounding rapidly, and Alex tried to use it to block out the sound of the storm. Thomas was shaking, but his voice was firm, "I'm so sorry, precious, I didn't realize you were having an anxiety attack, I didn't mean…"

Alex swallowed hard, forcing himself to calm down. He was clutching Thomas, Baby still in his lap, the horse had stopped walking, and everything felt still. He opened his eyes to look up at Thomas.

"You're okay." Thomas tells him calmly. "If you're in my arms, you're safe."

Numbly, Alex nodded.

_Thomas' arms are safe. Stay in his arms._

The comment was damning; his mind had already decided that it was truth. A rule, a purpose. In order to survive, he must return to Thomas' arms. He relaxed, pressing himself against the other man's chest. He was in Thomas' arms and therefore, he's safe.

* * *

The rain lightened slightly, now just a drizzle. Baby had stopped crying once Alex calmed down, Thomas was able to sooth her as well. They were all sitting in the wagon, wet and cold and hungry. The horse trotted along slowly, not minding the cold as much as the humans. The road stretched forward; a large wooden house sits three hundred feet ahead of them. Alex was dozing, still pressed up against Thomas; wrapped in the other man's arms. His spoons were almost used up just from his panic attack.

Briefly, his mind drifts to Pegs. He's once again glad that his friend had not had to suffer through the apocalypse. While it's torture for anyone to go through, he's sure that others (perhaps Pegs included) would have had it worse than he. Death is a mercy, he decides. If only God were merciful upon him...

Suddenly, the horse whinnied loudly, turning it's head from side to side, like it was looking for something. Thomas sat up suddenly, his grip on Alex tightening, "Whoa, hey girl! Calm down!"

But the horse wasn't listening to him. It's tail swished in agitation, it's ears bent backwards as it shifted on it's feet.

"Maybe it's another dog." Alex joked quietly, his nerves in his voice.

"I'm sure it's nothing…" Still, as Thomas was saying that, he climbed out of the wagon. He walked forward, his hands raised, trying to calm the large beast. Alex shifted around, holding Baby tightly. He peered into the farmland surrounding them. The corn was high, and Alex could only imagine the scene from that one  _Jurassic Park_  movie when the raptors jump out of the high grass and eat everyone.

The air felt heavy, thick with the humidity of the storm. The wind blew, ripping leaves off of trees, and stinging Alex's face. Baby whined in his arms, kicking and squirming. Alex glanced down at her for a second, before looking back up.

The wind rustled the corn, and Alex's eyes were drawn to the movement. Something didn't feel right, and it put Alex's nerves on edge.

"Thomas…." Alex said in a warning, his gaze locked with the corn. Thomas glanced at him, before following his stare. A moment later, something stepped out of the corn, a dark shadow of anger and hatred. Thomas gestured for Alex to throw him the gun, which he did, and the other man caught. He cocked it, holding the shotgun up with perfect aim. Without hesitating, Thomas pulled the trigger.

The bang echoed around them, and the world fell silent, listening to the sound. Alex looked to Thomas, who stepped closer to the dead body. He examined it and then peered into the corn. He took a step back to the wagon and said, "Don't worry, there was only one-"

The zombies seemed to not know that; seeing as how twenty of them jumped out of the corn, one by one, snarling and biting at the air. Alex felt pure fear shoot down his spine. Instantly, Thomas cursed, turned, and slapped the horse's ass; sending the animal, and the wagon, sprinting down the road. Alex almost fell back from the movement.

Once he regained his balance, Alex turned back to the scene behind him. Thomas had his back to him, gun raised as he shot zombie after zombie. It seemed like every time he killed one, another took it's place. Alex screamed out, holding out his hand, "THOMAS!"

Alex watched as the man shot one more zombie, then he must've decided it was useless, because he turned and sprinted in the direction of the cart. The horse was running at top speed, making for a bumpy ride, and there was no way the crippled man would ever catch them.

The zombies took chase, Alex couldn't look away. Thomas was on his own, they only had one gun- no wait!

Alex scrambled, careful to not knock a crying Baby, to find the handgun that Baby's parents had used for their double suicide. It was inside a bag or something? Somewhere, somewhere- there!

Alex grabbed the gun and turned back towards Thomas and the zombies. Alex never considered himself the best shot in the world, especially since he only just started the practice, but he had to put faith in himself and in God that he wouldn't hit Thomas.

Alex tried his best to aim while the horse was running, the road uneven, but it was hard to lock onto the moving targets. He sucked in a breath and fired, unsurprised when he missed. He shot again and again, aiming for the zombies that were a little to the left or right of Thomas, praying that the man wouldn't be harmed. With each trigger being fired, Baby screamed louder and louder, terrified of the loud noises. Alex wanted to cry with her, but he had to be strong.

He realized, suddenly, that Thomas would not be able to run forever, and neither would the horse. Now, Alex didn't get a shit about the horse's life, but Thomas's he gave many, many shits about. And if anything were to happen to him - he didn't want to think about that.

Alex turned and looked forward, trying to find some escape. His eyes locked on the house that sat a few dozen yards away. There. The horse may be in danger outside, but Alex and Baby could hide in there. If only Thomas could run that far, run that fast. He knows he's asking a lot from someone without a leg, but damn it, it's their only chance. Alex could only hope that adrenaline had kicked in and Thomas wasn't in too much pain.

"THOMAS!" Alex shouted, pointing to the house, "THERE!"

The man seemed to realize what he meant, and digging deep, started to run faster. Alex crawled up to the front of the wagon. He stared helplessly at the reigns that flapped in the wind, beyond his reach. How do you control horses? Alex wished that he paid more attention to Thomas' commands. What would the horse respond to?

Alex grabbed the horse's tail - it was the only thing in reach - tugging it a little and shouting, "STOP! SLOW DOWN! HALT!" Then, with some clarity, he remembered, "WHOA! WHOA!"

The horse slowed to a stop, but wasn't happy about it. It reared up and yelled, kicking its feet around. A prey animal wouldn't enjoy being told to stop running away from a predator, Alex figured. Quickly, before it got spooked again, Alex grabbed Baby and jumped out of the wagon, choosing to sprint the rest of the way to the house. He doesn't know what the horse did; he didn't care. All that mattered right now was the relative safety that walls and doors could provide.

Alex, ignoring Baby's cries, kicked down the front door. It was dark - it's always dark in abandoned houses - but it seemed empty. Alex took a second to catch his breath.

Second over.

He set Baby down, still crying, on a couch in the front room. She would be safe there. He then sprinted to the wagon where the horse was still anxiously waiting. He reached in and grabbed the handgun, hoping to be some help to the man still running for his life. Alex held up his gun and shot, grateful when he watched a zombie fall to the ground. He continued until Thomas was only ten feet away from him.

The man was breathing heavily, he waved his arms in a universal 'go away' fashion, and shouted, "GET BACK! GET BACK!"

Alex hesitated, but turned and ran back to the house, aware that Thomas was behind him now. Alex jumped inside and grabbed onto the door, ready to close it as soon as Thomas entered. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, all he could do was watch as Thomas ran. He was close now, on the front steps, aaaaaand inside! Close close close!

Alex slammed the door shut, pushing his body weight against it, and hoping that the lock worked. His shaky fingers fiddled with the bolt lock, but he was too shaken to get it to work. The zombies were at the door now, pounding on it, screeching inhuman noises. Alex struggled against the door as it tried to open for them.

Thomas was by his side, slamming the door closed once more, he quickly flicked the deadbolt closed and the zombies were locked out. They both stared at each other, breathing heavily. Alex let out a little laugh, all nerves and anxious energy. Thomas chuckled along with him, sweat dripping down his face.

Baby was still crying, and Alex hesitantly left the door to pick her up. He set his handgun down where she once was, and focused his energy on calming the girl down. Thomas still had his shotgun up, watching the door with obvious determination.  
Alex was about to ask why he was still on edge if they got away, and then the window broke.

Thomas turned and pushed Alex backward, shouting, "Go!"

Alex stumbled, but was able to keep his balance, he watched as the first zombie attempted to crawl through the window, pushing through leftover glass. Thomas shot it, but another started to climb through. Thomas glanced over his shoulder and shouted once more, "ALEX, GO!"

He turned and sprinted into the unknown house, ducking into the first room he saw. He closed the door behind him, but kept running. His gaze locked on a large, wooden wardrobe in the corner of the room. He ran forward and pulled it open, jumping inside without a second thought. He pulled the doors to it closed and sat on the ground among the dress shoes and array of belts.

Alex looked down at Baby, who was screaming, and he tried to catch his wits. He's okay, he'll be okay. He's got two doors and a couple feet between him and the zombies. That means he's safe, right?

God, he  _sucks_  at being a strong, independent zombie fighter. Just when he thought he was getting the hang of this apocalypse warrior thing, he goes and runs off at the first sign of trouble. He groans and covers his head with his hands.

No, focus. This isn't the time for self-hatred. This is the time for … for calming down Baby. If she keeps screaming and - God forbid - the zombies get past Thomas, a hiding place will mean nothing. They'll be caught instantly.

He takes a deep breath and holds the child close, trying to think of how to calm her. What does Thomas usually do? Singing! Thomas sings to Baby a lot.

Well, here goes nothing.

Alex brushed his fingers over the baby's hair and whispered a little lullaby. He sang quietly and gently pressed a finger into Baby's mouth to act as a passifier. With some gentle rocking and a little luck, the girl was able to calm down.

"Hush little Baby, don't you cry," Alex whispered, singing the tune quietly, "cuz if they hear you we'll surely die."

There was a loud crashing sound from outside the wardrobe and Alex panickedly imagined another window breaking. The bangs of the shotgun were quieter from behind the walls, but still prominent. Shotgun noises were good. Shotgun noises meant Thomas was still alive.

"Oh, shush, Baby, don't say a thing," Alex was shaking, his voice wobbling with fear, "You never know who's out there, listening."

And then the shotgun noises stopped. There was a  _thud_  and then the sounds of a fight. Alex couldn't breathe, his fear for his friend overpowering any other emotion. The darkness of the wardrobe was disorienting, and Alex felt himself start to drift off, taken over by his anxiety. Baby kicked him, as if demanding that he continue his song. Alex shook himself, refusing to spiral.

"My precious Baby, I'm scared, too." He looked down at the squirming thing in his arms, his heart breaking for her, "Scared those monsters will get to you."

There were pounding noises outside, and Alex knew that the sounds were getting closer, getting louder. He felt a shudder run through his body. This is it, this is the end, he's going to finally die. He's not as excited about it as he thought he'd be.

"Hush, my Baby, don't give up hope," Alex took a deep breath, closing his eyes and hugging the child close to his chest. He pressed himself as far back into the wardrobe as he could, hoping that Narnia was on the other side. Maybe then they'd be able to escape. "Daddy'll find a way to save us both…"

The noises were right outside now, the door to the room burst open and Alex flinched. He held a hand up to his mouth and prayed that Baby would stay silent. He was breathing rapidly out of his nose - inoutinoutinoutinout - and his mind was silent except for the eternal buzz of fear. Tears were rolling down his cheeks, but he was too scared to wipe them away. He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he couldn't do anything except sit there and wait for the inevitable.

Suddenly, he was flooded with light as the doors to the wardrobe opened. Alex closed his eyes, curled tighter around Baby, and prepared to die.

"Shh, shh, baby, you're okay, I'm here, I got ya." Thomas said, kneeling down in front of Alex. The smaller man blinked his eyes open, looking up into a familiar brown gaze. Through his panic, it took Alex a moment to recognize him. Once he did, he felt his fear ebb away. Thomas reached forward, his hand about to brush against Alex's tear-stricken face.

Alex spoke then, nodding down to Baby, "She's okay. Just scared."  
Thomas faltered, his gaze dropping down to Baby, "O-oh. Yeah." His hand redirected, and brushed against Baby's head, soothing the girl. "Yeah… You're okay, Baby, Daddy's here."

Alex was too shaken up to worry about Thomas' weird expression. He just took a deep breath and leaned against the other man's side, focusing on his breathing. That was a close call, and frankly, he's surprised that wasn't the end of them. If he didn't have Thomas, he doesn't know what he'd do. The other man was all Alex had left. He needed to do a better job of protecting him.

"H-how did you fight them all?" Alex asked, scared to know the answer.

Thomas just smiled a little and shrugged, "I had to protect my Number One."

Alex felt a shiver run through his spine. He closed his eyes and nodded, accepting the answer. He wasn't at the emotional - or mental - capacity to react accordingly to that response. All he could do was cling to Thomas, hold him, touch him, confirm that he was alive and  _real_.

"I'm so glad you're safe." Alex whispered, tears filling up in his eyes. Thomas shifted and wrapped his arms around Alex's body, pulling the other man closer.

Alex felt Thomas' lips against his temple as the other man mumbled, "Me too."

They both were able to calm down, holding onto each other like lifelines. Alex closed his eyes and inhaled, smelling Thomas' sweat and pheromones. He felt his muscles relax only when the voice in the back of his head quieted to a low mumbled.

_Safe in Thomas' arms._

* * *

They didn't stay in the house. It was too risky, considering how many zombies popped out of the fields. Thomas wanted to get them out of there as soon as possible. Alex agreed.

Thankfully, the horse only ran a few more yards away, and they were able to approach it and climb back on. They road in tense silence, worried that they'd get an encore experience. They didn't, but the anxiety was hard to ignore.

Thomas was extra clingy the rest of the day, but Alex didn't mind in the slightest. While they sat on the horse, Alex pressed himself against Thomas' chest, leaned into the way Thomas would wraps his arms around him. They both kept touching the other, thankful that the other was still there.

"Can we crash early tonight?" Alex asked, "I think we deserve it after that."

Thomas nodded, "Agreed."

They found a spot on the side of the road (far, far away from any corn), and settled down for the night. Alex was shifting things around in the wagon and hanging some things on low tree branches in hopes that they dry. Thomas was unhooking the horse, letting the animal lay down and take a break. Baby was laying in a bundle on the ground, grumpy about being ignored.

The grump became grumpier and she started to cry. Alex and Thomas looked a each other and let out identical sighs.

"All you ever do is cry, when are you gonna pull your weight around here?" Thomas jokingly grumbled to Baby. He picked her up and rocked her softly back and forth. Alex climbed out of the wagon, groaning softly.

Alex walked up to him, grinning exhaustedly, "Talking to yourself again?"

Thomas scoffed, offended, and Alex laughed, bumping the other man with his hip. Baby was still crying, despite Thomas' best efforts. Alex sighed slowly out his nose, and brushed a hand over Baby's hair.

"She's hungry." Alex whispered.

"We don't have anything to eat." Thomas replied, thinking out loud. "At least, not for Baby. I could mash up some food? We could try to feed her solid food? Like a baby bird…"

That wasn't much of an option, either. They had a painfully small amount of food and there was little chance that she would take it, anyway. In their panic and unease, they didn't stick around that house to search through the dead zombie bodies for food.

Alex felt detached from his own body, like he was watching a movie or playing a first-person video game. His arms reached out and took Baby from Thomas' arms. He heard himself say, "Let me have her."

Thomas gave her over, and watched, confused, as Alex walked a few feet away. He turned so his back was to Thomas and sat down cross-legged on the ground. He could hear Thomas shift behind him.

"What are you…?" The other man started to say, but when Alex hiked up his shirt, his curiosity sputtered to a stop. It was silent, except for the crickets. Alex took in a deep breath. Thomas wasn't going to bother him, now that his intentions were clear; he was sure of that.

Baby was still crying, even as Alex took off his bra from under his shirt. Briefly, he was thankful that he didn't have to go through all of that mess today with his chest binded. He might have died from breathlessness.

Once his breasts were free, he sat the bra down on the dirt beside him, and picked up Baby gently. He cradled her in his arms and tucked her under his shirt. He closed his eyes and ignored the  _wrong wrong wrong wrong_ feeling in his chest.

Baby's lips clamped around his nipple almost instantly. He winced at the feeling of it. She wasn't hurting him, but she was  _hurting_  him. The process was  _hurting_  him. The realization that no matter what, even after all these years, he couldn't escape this simple fact: he was born a girl.

Baby was still whining, sucking as hard as her little mouth could. Alex looked down at her through the head-hole of his shirt. He shuddered, a dark pain stabbing him through the heart. He wasn't producing any milk. Why would he? He wasn't pregnant, and it's not like he can just switch his tiddies on like a water faucet. Why did he think this would work?

Still, he sat there, waiting, hoping that maybe if enough they both put in enough effort then something would happen. He pushed Baby closer to his chest, " _Please_." He prayed, " _Please, please, please_."

But no, it was no use. His hormones weren't high enough - weren't feminine enough - to produce milk. He knew it was a long shot, but he had to try, and - and - and he failed.

He's a shitty man and he's failed a woman. Where does that leave him?

He doesn't know, because he was too busy curled around himself (and Baby), sobbing. He couldn't hold back his wails, how his body shook with emotion. Shame flooded over him, stability was beyond his reach. He cried and cried, even as Baby adamantly continued to suck.

He wished he was better. He wished he was cis, then he wouldn't be in this situation. He wished the world wasn't ending. He wished he was dead. He wished- he wished- he wished-

He wished they never found this stupid baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	20. We'll Make It Right For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence, suicidal thoughts and tendencies, thoughts of self-harm, and transphobic language and actions. Stay safe and enjoy.

At some point, Thomas slowly approached. He didn't speak - or maybe he did, and Alex couldn't hear over the sounds of his own crying. Alex felt a hand on his back, large and warm. It rubbed up and down, then in little circles. Alex finally glanced up at him after who knows how long, and found the other man's eyes were glued to the ground, even as he squatted next to Alex.

 _What made you think you could do this?!_  He heard a voice in his head shout.  _It was pointless to try!_

"Come to bed." Thomas pleaded quietly. Alexander shuddered, leaning forward to hide his face in Thomas' shoulder. `

_You can't even feed yourself! How could you take care of a baby?_

Thomas carefully took Baby from Alex's arms. He hesitated, then stood up and left. Alex, with his hands now free, curled around himself. His fingers dug into his shirt, needing something to hold onto. Alex let out a loud sob. Angry images flashed in his mind, things he'd rather not think about. His head banging against a wall, over and over. A quick image of wrists, scared and bloodied throws itself to the forefront of Alex's mind, and he tries to push it away away  _away_ , but it won't leave his mind.

He doesn't realize that his hand was reaching under his shirt until his nails scraped up and down his skin, creating red, raw patches on his chest. The pain pulls him forward, sharpens his mind, but it doesn't help his spiral at all.

Hands are on him, pulling at his wrists, and firmly holding them in place, away from his chest. Alex had to look through his tears, peering at Thomas' furious expression.

 _Stupid stupid stupid_. Alex hissed in his mind.  _Now you've mad Thomas mad, stupid stupid stupid-_

"Looks like I need to hold the knife, now." Thomas said quietly. Averting his gaze, he shoves Alex's shirt down forcefully. Things are hazy, but the next thing Alex knows, Thomas' arms are wrapping around him, and he's being lifted off the ground.

Alex buries his face into Thomas' chest and tries to breathe. Thomas set Alex down in the wagon clumsily, before climbing in after him. He maneuvers the two of them until Alex is in his lap, facing him. Alex curls around the other man, pressing his face against Thomas' neck. The man rubs Alex's back and gently rocks them back and forth. Alex hiccups, but starts to calm down.

"I'm sorry." Thomas mumbled, "I shouldn't have let you do that…"

Alex's voice escapes him.  _It wasn't your fault._  He couldn't say.  _I wanted to try._   _It was a mistake._

But then the voice in his head turns angry, out of his control.  _Dumbass, you_ knew  _this would make you dysphoric and you_ still  _did it?! You deserve this. You deserve to be in pain. It's your fault._

Alex squeaks and buries his face deeper into Thomas' warmth. He holds Thomas tighter, tries to force the thoughts away. Thomas rubs his back as he cries himself to sleep.

* * *

Alexander glanced around as he pulled out his phone. The cold winter wind made his hair blow and he tugged his jacket closer around himself. He scrolled through his twitter feed, trying to distract himself as he walked home. It was dark outside, and he had just left his debate club. His dorm was on the other side of campus.

It was his first year at college, fresh off the boat, and he had yet to make any meaningful friendships. His roommate, Aaron Burr, was pretty cool. He didn't mind the whole trans thing, and that was really all Alex knew about him. Still, Alex liked his company. He wouldn't say they were  _friends_  though, not yet. But maybe buddies? Acquaintances? He wished he knew what Aaron thought of him, but he figured, in the long run, it didn't matter. He'd probably just get a new roommate next year, anyway.

Alex just retweeted a post about the importance of voting when someone shouted at him, "HEY TRANNY!"

Stupidly, Alexander stopped. He turned and looked behind him to see two big guys. They were in his debate club meeting, but Alex didn't know them. They don't usually show up to the club. Alex frowned, "My name's Alexander."

"You ain't foolin' no one, sweetheart." The first guy said, walking up to him. He made a crude hand gesture to his chest, resembling breasts, with a wild grin on his face. "We all know you're'a chick."

The second guy laughs and grunts, "Like she's not even tryin'."

Alex grits his teeth but doesn't step back. He won't back down, regardless of how much his heart is pounding. "Duly noted. Is that all?"

The two guys took another step towards him, cracking their knuckles and squaring their shoulders. The first one muttered, "Yeah, one more thing. See, we don't like trannies runnin' 'round our town. So either knock it off, or get your shit handed to ya."

Now Alex was getting worried. He glanced around, wondering if he could outrun them. He wasn't the fastest runner in the world, but he's got good relefects. If he could duck around a corner or sprint into a building, he might be alright.

He makes his decision, swallowing his pride, he turns on his heel and sprints. He doesn't get further than three steps when one of them grabs his backpack and yanks him backwards.

"Aw, she thinks she's quick." The second guy said, snaking an arm around her waist. Alex tried to elbow him, but the other guy grabbed onto his wrists. They both kept behind him, out of reach of his legs. He might be able to kick backwards, but he wouldn't be able to aim. Still, he struggled, screeching.

"Let go of me! Let go!"

The first guy nods to a back ally and Alex realized the fundamental problem with having buildings close together. They create perfecting hiding spots for creeps. One of the guys grabs his chin and twists his head so he has to look at them.

"Sucks that she's kinda cute." The first said. "Hate to have to mess up that pretty face."

Alex spit at him, and the man recoiled. He growled angrily and pulled back his fist. Guess Alex made the decision for him, cuz that man was ready to beat something. Alex closed his eyes and flinched, preparing for the worst.

"Hey! What're you doing!?" A voice called.

Alex twisted around as best he could while still in the other man's grasp. Great. Another man. But this one looked furious, he was storming down the alley towards them, pulling out his phone, "If you don't piss off, I'm calling the police."

"This ain't your fight, man." The second one said, "Just go on your way and it'll be fine."

The new guy didn't hesitate at all. Instead of calling the police, he takes a wild swing at the guy who was holding Alex. Since he had his hands full, he couldn't defend himself. He screamed and dropped Alexander, who scrambled away.

Alex ran to stand behind the new guy, which felt cowardly as all hell, but he didn't have many options. The first guy, shocked, stared as the second guy pulled his hand away from his nose. It wouldn't stop bleeding. Alex had never seen a broken nose that bad.

"You're next." The new guy said darkly, stepping forward. The two attackers scrambled, apparently unwilling to get in a real fight. They held up their hands and ran off, leaving Alex alone with the new guy. Which, really didn't make him feel much better.

"Um… thanks." Alex said warily.

The man bent down and picked something up. He turned to Alex and handed him his phone. He must've dropped it in the fight. Alex took it and checked to make sure it wasn't broken. It's still good.

"You're Alexander, right?" The man said, "My name's John. I think we have history together?"

Alex frowned, but nodded. "I don't know, I sit in the front… I don't really see who sits behind me."

John shrugged, "No worries. I'll sit closer next time." His smile fell slightly as he looked Alex up and down, "Are you alright?"

Alex nodded, "Yeah, they didn't hit me or anything."

John cleared his throat and gestured down, "You're fly is…"

Alex checked and, yup, the zipper was open. He didn't even know when that happened. He quickly zipped it back up and fought down the nausea. He didn't even want to  _think_ about what would've happened if John hadn't shown up.

Suddenly his knees went weak. He wobbled and stuck his hand out to hold onto the wall next to him. He felt sick. His vision turned a little black.

"Hey, whoa, calm down." John said. He reached forward, like he wanted to touch Alex, but he didn't. He kept his hands off of him. Alex wasn't sure if he was thankful for that or not. John made sure that they were making eye contact as he said, "It's okay, man. You're alright. No one's gonna hurt you anymore."

Alex shakily nodded, but he still wanted to cry. He didn't know what to do. He'd never been  _attacked_  before. Or assaulted or anything. Sure, people have been mean to him, rude to him, but no one's ever touched him like that. He was on the verge of panicking.

"I'm going to walk you home." John said, firm and demanding. "You'll be safe with me."

Alex agreed. He wanted nothing more than to be home right now. John confirmed that he was okay once more before they headed off down the street. Alex kept glancing around, still on edge. John kept his head high, and chatted easily, no doubt trying to calm Alex down. He did manage to get Alex to smile twice, so he considered that a success.

About a block away from Alex's dorm, John's cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked the screen. Alex saw the name 'Sam 3' light up. John frowned a little but answered the phone.

"Hey, baby." He said, then his frown grew bigger. He licked his lips and said, "I know I'm late, but… No, hey, that's not-"

John paused in his steps, shoving his free hand in his pocket. He suddenly looked very small. Alex stopped next to him, his arms wrapping around himself to combat the cold. John shifted on his feet, his eyes on the ground.

"There's this boy- no, babe, not like that, I swear. He was being- I-I'm walking him home." John glanced up at him, his eyes wet. Alex took a small step forward, but John looked away, hiding the emotion on his face. "I would never- o-okay. Yes, yeah. I'll be home soon."

John paused, listening to what the other person was saying. He swallowed hard and mumbled, "I love you, too."

He hung up then and Alex didn't even pretend to act like he wasn't listening. He put a hand on John's shoulder, convincing the other man to look at him, "You okay?"

John nodded, wiping at his face. "Fine."

"Was that your girlfriend?" Alex asked.

"Boyfriend." John replied quietly, "He's- uh - he's mad because he thinks I'm cheating on him or something. With you."

Alex frowned, "We just met."  
"He's paranoid." John shrugged it off, starting to walk again. Alex followed after him, the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, "He made you cry."

"No, it was my fault." John said, laughing it off. His laugh sounded weak and watery. "I was supposed to be home twenty minutes ago."

Alex scoffed, "You have a curfew?"

John shrugged again, quiet. He cleared his throat and said, "Your dorm is right up there, yeah? Can you make it the rest of the way on your own?"

Alex glanced at the building, he could see a few people walking in and out of the front doors. He nodded. "Yeah. Will you be okay?"

"Of course." John said with a big smile. "Never been better. Just take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you in History?"

"Sure. Sit next to me, if you think about it." Alex said, waving as John started to back away.

John nodded, still smiling, as he said, "See you later, Alex-gator."

Alex stood there, watching as John walked off. The man's shoulders were slumped and he was texting on his phone while he walked. Although the entire encounter was strange, Alex was thankful that he showed up.

Exhaustion weighed him down, he slowly made his way back into his dorm. When he opened the door, his roommate, Aaron, was asleep. Alex didn't blame him; he wanted nothing more than to curl up and drift off.

As sleep overtook him, the last thing he thought of was the funny stranger with freckles that saved him. He wondered what the future held for him, and if the man would really bother to sit next to Alex in their next class together.

* * *

When Alexander woke up, he was still wrapped up in Thomas' arms. They were in the wagon, and the horse was slowly pulling them down the road. The wind whipped far above them, rustling the trees. Alex blinked slowly, feeling warm and safe. He yawned and pressed his face closer to Thomas' chest. The man chuckled softly, and Alex looked up at him.

"Good morning, darlin'." Thomas said, "Sleep well?"

Alex shrugged and glanced over at Baby. She was asleep, curled up in an insane amount of blankets. She was fine. Probably as hungry as Alex was, but alive.

Alex let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes. Thomas shushed him and brushed some hair out of his face gently. "You're okay, you're okay."

The smaller man nodded, but didn't push himself up. He stayed pressed up against Thomas, his body feeling like lead. He couldn't move even if he tried; although his hands couldn't stop shaking. He wasn't fully sure why; although he felt bad, he wasn't about to have a panic attack. Maybe his blood sugar was low.

Alex snorted at himself. Of course his blood sugar was low, he was fucking starving for Christ's sake. It had been a while since he had a full stomach. His body agreed with him; his stomach growling loudly.

Thomas' hand landed on Alex's stomach, a familiar weight that calms him slightly. Thomas' eyes are darting back and forth as he was deep in thought. Finally, Thomas looked up at Alex and smiled, "Hey, let's pull over and heat up some food, yeah?"

Unable to speak, Alex nodded once more. After Thomas nudged him, Alex forced himself to sit up straight so Thomas could stop the horse.

Alex sat, fiddling with his fingers, while Thomas jumped off the moving wagon and brought the horse to a stop. Thomas then grabbed one of their bags and looked through it. Frowning, he set it back into the wagon, careful not to bump Baby. Thomas goes through their other two bags until he finds what he's looking for. He pulls out a single can of beans, looking up at Alex with worried eyes.

Alex glanced from the can to the bag, then to Thomas' expression. His heart sinks once it all clicks. He finds his voice. It cracks when he whispers, "That's all?"

Thomas nods silently. He takes a deep breath and then gestures to the side of the road. "I'll start a fire."

Alex doesn't move. He stares down at Baby as Thomas runs off to heat up their beans. Numb, Alex imagines them starving to death, slowly getting weaker and weaker until they both just collapse. And what about Baby? What could they possibly do to help her? She might just barely be old enough for solid food. It'd have to be mashed up…

Time passed quickly, because the next thing Alex knew, Thomas was coaxing him to climb out of the wagon. Alex holds onto Thomas' hands as he jumps down. He leans against the side of the cart while Thomas grabs Baby. Alex silently follows him to the makeshift fire, where the beans were heating.

Sitting in the dirt felt natural to Alex now; chairs were a luxury that they didn't have. He stared at the fire, huddling close to himself. Thomas shot him a worried look, but didn't say anything as he balanced Baby in his lap.

Thomas scooped out two spoonfuls of beans into one bowl, handing it over to Alexander. Alex stared down at the bowl in his lap. The thought of eating was nauseating, and yet, Alex wanted nothing more than to go to a buffett and eat everything in sight.

Finally, Alex pulled up the courage to pick up some beans and shove them into his mouth. The heat burned his tongue instantly, but Alex refused to spit the beans out. He angrily chewed, shoving more and more of the beans into his mouth. His fingers hurt and he wanted to swallow his own tongue, but he couldn't stop himself. With watery eyes, Alex looked up at Thomas.

The other man was mashing up the rest of the beans, which wasn't much, into a pile of mush. He then blew on the food to cool it off a bit. Baby was awake and glancing around, wiggling in Thomas' grip. She babbled and whined, getting ready to cry.

Before the baby could, Thomas pushed a finger smeared with beans into Baby's mouth. Baby's little lips wrapped around Thomas' finger. She frowned, clearly confused. Thomas removed his finger and Baby instantly spit the beans out. The goopy brown mess rolled down her chin and Thomas sighed. Fruitlessly, he pushed the beans back into Baby's mouth, but she wouldn't take it. Refusing, she spit the beans out again and again.

Thomas' frustration was growing, this much Alex could tell. Thomas muttered to himself as he grabbed another finger full of beans, "C'mon, c'mon, please, just-" Baby spat the beans out and squirmed, pushing Thomas' finger away. Thomas' voice rose angrily, "just-jUST EAT!"

Baby started to cry, wailing loudly. Alex scrambled forward, grabbing Baby from Thomas' lap, and holding her close to him. Thomas threw the bowl of mashed beans into the dirt in a fit of anger. He stomped his good foot and hissed out, "God _dammit_!"

Alex bounced Baby carefully, trying to sooth her. Meanwhile Thomas was breathing hard by his side, staring into the fire with wet eyes. Alex didn't know what to say. There was nothing that would fix this, nothing that would make him feel better.

"She won't stop crying." Thomas said, his hands shaking.

"Because you scared her." Alex replied, feeling anger boil inside him. Not anger towards Thomas, but to their situation. He was always angry at their situation, it seemed.

"I'm trying to save her!" Thomas shouted, which only made Baby scream louder.

Alex let out a sharp sigh and whispered to Baby a lullaby, hoping it would calm her down. He sang quietly, "Some bright morning, when this life is over, I'll fly away. To a land on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away."

Thomas' shoulders relaxed as Baby's screams quieted. She was watching Alex, reaching up to play with his hair, as he continued to sing, "I'll fly away, oh Lordy, I'll fly away, in the morning." Alex made eye contact with Thomas as he sang, "When I die, Hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away…"

Baby was quiet now, with just a few babbles and grumbles. Alex wiped the tears off her fat cheeks and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead. She blinked hard and let out a gurgle.

"Alex," Thomas said, his voice open and sincere. He was facing towards Alexander, his hands in his lap. His fingers were gripping his knees as if he were falling from a cliff and his own knees were the only way to safety. Alexander stared into his puffy eyes, watched his throat constrict as he swallowed. "I-"

Before Thomas could say anything else, a round of bullets shot through the air; destroying the silence like thunder. The horse whinnied and tried to run off, but Thomas had tied it to a tree. It stomped its hooves as the sound waves settled.

Alexander uncurled himself from around Baby, looking up to see a figure standing just a few feet before them. Thomas scrambled to his feet, but he didn't have a gun with him. He fumbled for the knife that he took from Alexander last night.

"What the fuck?" Alex whispered, ignoring Baby's screams.

The figure was human, that much was sure. They were too smooth, too confident to be a zombie. They were covered in dark clothes, that hid their face well. Slowly, they walked forward, their guns raised and pointed at each of them.

"Who are you residing under?" The person said. It was a woman's voice, that much was obvious. Alex didn't relax; he had no clue how to answer the question.

"W-what?" He asked.

The gun pointed towards him clicked threateningly. The woman repeated, "Who are you residing under? Jackson?"

"Uh- no, no." Thomas said, "My name's Thomas, and- and this is Alexander. We're just, you know, trying not to die."

Alex nodded frantically, "Yeah, yup, so let's keep that streak going, alright?"

The woman took another step forward. Alex wished he could see her expression. Her mask had white cat whiskers on it, and that was all. He couldn't tell if she was still angry or not. She spoke again, tone hard, "Give me the baby."

"What?!" Alex and Thomas said together.

"Give me. The baby." She repeated, her head turning slowly as she spoke. She was looking between them, no doubt, "Or I'll take it."

Thomas stepped in front of Alexander, raising his knife in defense, "Absolutely not."

The woman shot her gun into the air, causing both of the men to flinch, "Don't make me have to kill you for it."

Alex looked up to see Thomas' muscles tense. He stayed still, unmoving, as a human shield in front of Alexander. He shook his head, "You're not touching our baby."

"Pity." The woman sighed, "You're awfully cute."

She pointed her gun at Thomas' chest. Stupidly, Thomas started running towards her. He slashed at her with his knife, and she kept having to step back to avoid getting hit. It was working, since that meant she couldn't really shoot him.

Alex sat frozen watching the fight, clinging to Baby. Suddenly, the woman struck. She ducked down, leaned back, and kicked her leg right into Thomas' good knee. He crumbled instantly with a cry of pain. The woman turned her attention to Alexander. Alex reached forward and grabbed a flaming branch from the fire. He held it up, between Baby and the woman.

When the woman stepped forward, Alexander stepped back.

"Give me the baby." She said.

"Why do you want her?" Alex asked, his voice shaking.

The woman sounded delighted, "She's a girl?!"

Alex took another step back and waved his branch around threateningly, "What are you going to do to her?"

The woman didn't reply to him, instead, she put one of the guns into the holster that was on her hip. Alex doesn't know how, but the next thing he knew, the flaming branch was being twisted out of his grasp, and his wrist hurt like a motherfucker.

He yelped in pain, before he could recover, a fist was being thrown at his face. It landed on his right cheekbone, and Alex was seeing stars. He swung his free hand wildly, but it's impossible to fight with a baby in your arms.

The woman grabbed onto his free arm and yanked it around, pressing it already hurt wrist up against his shoulder blade. Alex almost dropped Baby then, but he refused to give up.

That is, until a gun was pointed at the small of his back. Alex froze up then, fear shooting through him like, well, like a bullet.

"Give her to me, and you live." The woman said into his ear, "Don't, and, well," she cocked her gun.

Alex shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant, "Do it. Existence is pain."

The woman scoffed for some reason before turning the gun towards Thomas, who was still lying in the dirt. "Really? Does he have the same opinion?"

Thomas looked up, realized a gun was pointed at his face, and then immediately looked to Alex. He shook his head minutely, like he was afraid too much movement would get him killed.

"Alexander." He breathed quietly, "Don't."

This wasn't a choice. Alex had no options. If he didn't give her the baby, Thomas dies, she shoots Alex, and then she gets the baby anyway. If he does, well, at least they live. But even then, once she has the baby was stopping her from shooting them anyway? Alex closed his eyes and thought, frantically trying to figure out some solution where they come out on top.

There were none.

He had to do it, or else they were going to get killed.

"Okay! Okay." Alex said quietly. The pain in his shoulder lessened slightly as the woman loosened her grip on him. Alex knew better than to try anything; the gun was still pointed at him. "Okay, you- you can have her. Just, just promise me you won't hurt him."

"Alexander!" Thomas growled, angry and in pain. He tried to get up, but once he put pressure on his good knee, he cried out and slumped back into the dirt.

The woman, gun still pointed at Alex, walked around him and held out her arm. Shakily, Alex handed Baby over to her. His knees were weak and he wanted to cry, but at least no one got hurt.

Just as Alexander thought that, the woman slammed the butt of her gun into Alexander's head and he blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	21. I Didn't Think That You Would Make It

Alex woke with a start, jerking awake as the memories of what just happened flash through him. He sucked in a sharp breath and hissed out, "Thomas!"

Panickedly, he turned and looked around him, he was still by the campfire, but it was the middle of the night. The fire had flickered to nothing more than hot coals, and the stars were shining brightly overhead him. For a second, he stared at them, and a part of him wondered how the universe could be so beautiful from far away, yet so painful upclose.

His gaze dropped to the limp body on the floor three feet from him. Alex pushed himself up to his hands and knees. With great difficulty, he crawled across the dirt and gravel until he was by his friend's side.

"Thomas…" He was whispering now, his shaking fingers brushing across bruised skin. Thomas' eyes were closed; his skin cold, a small cut was bleeding from above his eyebrow. Thankfully, he was breathing, but it was very slow.

Alex gently dabbed at the cut with his sleeve, hoping to stop the bleeding a bit more. When he was done, he shook Thomas' shoulders, saying, "Thomas, Thomas, wake up, I need you!"

Brown eyes flew open, immediately landing on Alex's own. Strong hands reached up and grabbed him, holding him still. Thomas was panting heavily, his gaze darting back and forth between Alex's. He was sweating, despite the cold air.

"Thomas!" Alex breathed, relieved He didn't know what he'd do if the other man didn't wake up.

But Thomas' expression wasn't like his own; his lips turned downwards and his eyes darkened. Alex felt Thomas' fingers dig deeper into his arms, to the point of hurting. Alex squirmed, "Ow! Hey!"

"I can't believe you!" Thomas pushed Alex away, sitting up enough to properly shout at him. "You never wanted her! You hated her!"

Alex jumped back in surprise, his emotions switching from being afraid for Thomas to being afraid  _of_  Thomas. He swallowed hard and leaned back, "No, no, I- that's not true!"

Thomas shook his head, his voice pained, "She was our  _daughter_!"

Alex fumbled for a moment, before (stupidly) replying, " _No_ , she  _wasn't_!" Thomas' expression darkened considerably, and Alex tried to backpedal, "Thomas, please, you are more important than-"

"You gave her away!" Thomas accused, interrupting him.

"I had no choice!" Alex hissed back, "That bitch was going to kill you!"

"I don't care if I die!" Thomas said.

"I DO!" Alex shouted, emotion far too clear in his voice. His heart was on his sleeve, and he realized it too late. Thomas' eyes widened slightly, and Alex glanced away; embarrassment coloring his cheeks.

An array of emotions flickered across Thomas' face before it settled on a small frown. He shook his head and muttered, "Well, you shouldn't."

Alex's heart felt hard and heavy, it sank low in his chest. Shakily, he asked, "What?"

"Nothing." Thomas said, he wouldn't look at Alex, keeping his gaze to the ground. "Next time, just save us both the trouble and shoot me."

_I could never_. Alex wanted to say. Instead, he watched as Thomas struggled to stand up, forced to put more weight onto his prosthetic than his natural leg; since that lady attacked him. Alex reached forward to try and help him, but Thomas jerked out of his reach, glaring at him.

Startled and confused, Alex sat silently on the ground while Thomas limped away from him. The smaller man wrapped his arms around himself and chewed his lip. Guilt ate away at him, but what could he have done? Was he really to blame?

He couldn't cry; he didn't want to. Not now. He felt stuck, like nothing he did mattered. Every time something good - or, good for them - happened, the world decided to kick him in the balls and remind him that he would never be happy again. There was no solution to any of their problems, it just kept building, building, building, and soon - the weight of it all will crush him.

That much was obvious by now.

* * *

Alexander had known hunger before, but this was something different. His stomach was retreating further inward, as if it was seeking out its own nurishment. Every time he moved too quickly, dark spots would scatter across his vision. His hands were constantly shaking and he wanted nothing more than to lay down and never get up again.

He sat on the horse while Thomas was laid down in the wagon. The other man's legs were hurting him, and he couldn't make it up onto the saddle. Alex also had the sinking suspicion that Thomas didn't want to look at him; and therefore chose to situate himself in a way that avoided any contact. That hurt, but there really wasn't much Alex could do about it.

It wasn't like he could hunt down the woman and find Baby again; the world was big and she could be anywhere. They just had to accept that she was gone.

Alex glanced over his shoulder at the wagon. Thomas' hair could barely be seen over the edge of the wooden wall. He wasn't moving. Alex let out a sad sigh before turning back to the front. He leaned forward a little as a wave of nausea hit him.

God, they needed food.

He stared at the back of the horse's head, his thoughts drifting. It came to his attention; the horse is an animal. Humans eat animals. They could… you know… the horse…

_But then you'd have to walk_. His mind reminded him. He  _really_  didn't want to walk. After having the horse for so long, walking sounded like a curse. No, he'd rather just slowly starve to death. At least, for a little while longer.

Now that it was getting colder, the grass was slowly dying, soon the horse would have some trouble finding food, too. Following that line of thought, Alex looked up at the sky, seeing the dark clouds that hung overhead. A storm might be brewing. He couldn't really tell, but at this point, he expected the worst.

Thomas made a grunting noise as they went over a large pothole. Alex twisted around to look at him, but the other man was refusing to acknowledge him.

"Thomas?" Alex asked. The other man stayed silent. Alex took a deep breath and then whispered, "I'm sorry. I just… I couldn't lose you."

Thomas sat up suddenly, twisting around to shoot him the angriest glare Alexander had ever seen. He said in a low, dangerous tone, "And I couldn't lose her."

Startled, Alex remained silent, watching as Thomas took a deep breath. He continued, "Alexander, I have lost two children that I could have protected. I watched them both get taken from me -  _by_ me. You can look crushed and guilty all you want, but it won't make up for what you did."

A small fight started to sturr inside Alex's chest. He replied, bitterly, "I lost two kids, too, you know. My family's been dead and gone since the beginning. And I liked Baby, regardless of what you may think. Losing her wasn't exactly a win for me."

Thomas shook his head, "It's  _different_. Your family died far away from you, out of sight. I stared my wife in the eyes as she bled out. I shot my toddler in the head." Thomas had turned around entirely now, his voice loud and frustrated. Alex could hear a hint of wetness in his words. "I had the one chance to fix things and bring some good into this fucked up world and I lost her! So don't bitch to me about loss!"

"Thomas…" Alex sighed, defeated. What was he supposed to say to that?

He didn't like how Thomas minimized his own pain and experiences - just because Eliza and their children had died far away from him, doesn't make it any less traumatizing. And he really wanted to call Thomas out on that. And, honestly,  _what_  could he have done for Baby? He only had to believe that that woman is going to keep her safe. Hell, maybe she'll even take better care of her than they were. God knows it wouldn't be that hard.

But he wasn't going to kick a man when he was down. So, for once, Alex kept his thoughts to himself. (Maybe he'd bitch about it later.) He took a deep breath, to clear his angry and hurt thoughts, and replied maturely with, "How can I make it up to you?"

Thomas stared at him for a minute, perhaps surprised by the response, before he scoffed and turned around, "Just keep us moving forward."

Alex muttered to himself, turning back to face forward, "That's what I've been trying to do."

They returned to their uneasy silence, listening to nothing more than the horse's  _clop clop clop_ s on the pavement.

* * *

After an entire day of near silence - it was basically forever, Alex counted - Thomas finally muttered, "Stop the horse."

Alex did and wondered why they never named the damn thing. The dog got to be Chien and the baby got to be Baby. Why didn't the horse get to be named Horse? Horsey? Horsington? Bojack?

Thomas interrupted his thoughts as he climbed out of the wagon and stretched his arms over his head. He twisted around, popping his back. Alex observed the other man, watching as he groaned softly. Suddenly, Alex's mouth was dry.

_No, don't be ogling him, you're angry at him_. Alex thought to himself as he struggled to get down from the horse's saddle. As one leg hung down, desperately trying to reach the floor, his arms struggled to lower himself slowly.

The next thing Alex knew, two strong arms were holding onto his waist; helping him to safely reach his destination. Alex looked over his shoulder to see Thomas standing right behind him. His hands were warm and fit perfectly around Alex's hips. Alex really  _really_  wanted to lean back into the other man's embrace, but then Thomas was stepping away without another word.

"Are you still mad?" Alex asked. Despite all of his degrees and studies and awards, Alex really could be dumb sometimes. Why didn't he just keep things as they were? Why did he always have to ask questions? What was the saying? Let sleeping dogs lie; lets you want to get bit.

Thomas let out a long sigh. He turned and looked at him. His eyes were tired, his shoulders slumped. "Alex, I…"

He never did finish his sentence, because just then something started growling from just beyond the bushes. Thomas stepped in front of Alex, gesturing for the rifle. Alex handed it to him silently, his eyes locked on the rustling leaves. The last thing they need right now was a zombie fight. The horse stamped its hooves nervously, and Alex placed a hand on it's flank, hoping to calm it.

The growling turned into barking, which then turned into a very excited ball of fluff bounding out of the bushes towards them. Thomas lowered his gun and grinned.

"Chien!"

Alex let out a surprised laugh, watching as the dog attacked Thomas with licks and tail wags. It was the same dog, that much was clear. She was blonde with a red collar and one toe was brown.

"Oh, I knew you'd come back, you're such a good girl," Thomas was saying as he pet Chien all over. "Yes you are, yes you are!"

Smiling, Alexander looked up from the two on the ground to see that they weren't alone. Something else was coming out of the woods. Alex's heart sunk as he saw a figure slowly creeping towards them, leaning to one side, watching them. Alex was about to scoop up the rifle and shoot the creature, when it, too, walked out from under the shadows.

Alex frowned, because, no, that couldn't be…

"Burr?!"

The man looked  _rough_. He was leaning against a tree, his clothes torn and muddied. Alex was sure he appeared just as bad, but seeing his friend in such a state sent a shock through him. Aaron swayed, obviously weak. Alex scrambled past Thomas - Chien excitedly raced after him - and he reached forward to catch Aaron before he could fall.

Aaron leaned against him, his glazed over eyes looking up at him. He was clearly confused, "...Hamilton?" Then, to Alex's surprise and delight, the man groaned loudly, "How in the  _fuck_ …?!"

"I know." Alex chuckled, wrapping an arm around Aaron to help him stand. He placed a hand on the other man's chest, just for extra support. "I ask myself that every day."

"You're alive…" Aaron mumbled, his brow furrowing slightly. Alex smiled and shrugged, which made Aaron laugh. He shook his head, but stopped when it made him dizzy, "I'm never getting rid of you, huh?"

Alex grinned, "Nope."

Someone cleared their throat from behind them. Alex turned to see Thomas awkwardly standing there. His arms were crossed, and he was frowning. He glanced between Alex and Aaron rapidly, "Who's this?"

"Oh, uh, Thomas, this is my friend, Aaron Burr." Alex said, "Aaron, this is my companion, Thomas Jefferson."

Aaron weakly nodded at Thomas, before he leaned more heavily on Alexander. He groaned quietly and mumbled, "I need'a sit down."

"C'mere." Alex replied, helping the man move to sit propped up against the wagon. Once he was sitting down, Alex grabbed his water bottle, opened it, and pressed it up to Aaron's lips. "Drink."

"Thank God." Aaron mumbled, taking the bottle from his hands. He desperately gulped down half the water, some spilling down his chin. Once he was done, he sighed and handed the water back. He didn't wipe the water from his chin.

Alex looked down at him, still amazed that he was alive. "Jesus, what happened to you?"  
Aaron shrugged, "The apocalypse?"

That was as good of an answer as any. Alex opened his mouth to speak again, but Thomas grabbed his hand and dragged him a few feet away. Confused, Alex glanced down at their hands, then to Aaron (who was resting his eyes), and then to Thomas' stormy face.

"Thomas?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Who the fuck is that?" Thomas hissed, glaring at Aaron over his shoulder.

Alex frowned, "Aaron Burr. He's my friend."

Thomas shook his head, "No I mean-" He growled in frustration, before trying again, "You've  _never_  mentioned him before. I remember all of your friends' names, and you never said shit about an 'Aaron'."

He wasn't going to mention that there was no way Thomas  _actually_  remembered all of his friends from his stories, but whatever. That wasn't the problem right now. Alex crossed his arms, "So? He was my first roommate in college. We worked together. Our kids were friends."

Thomas' jaw was tensely moving back and forth, like he was grinding his teeth. "I don't like this. What if he's infected?"

"Thomas, he's exhausted. Let me take care of him." Alex said, pleadingly. When Thomas didn't reply, Alex added softly, "You'd do the same for James."

That made the other man relent. He sighed, but nodded and gestured for Alex to return to his friend. As Alex walked back over, he glanced over his shoulder to see Thomas kick the dirt and curse to himself.

"Trouble in paradise?" Aaron asked quietly as Alex sat back down. He was already looking a little better, but that was relative.

Alex offered him a small smile, and apologized, "Sorry. He's just… paranoid. You never know who to trust, these days."

Aaron hummed in agreement. Chien, who had previously disappeared into the bushes, returned into the clearing. She was dragging a black backpack behind her, happily wagging her tail. Aaron raised a hand and whistled, patting the ground next to them. "Come here, Daisy!"

"Her name's Chien!" Thomas grumbled as he walked past them to dig through the wagon.

Chien - also known as Daisy - dragged the backpack over to them, proudly displaying her hard work. Aaron rubbed her head, smiling, "Good girl."

Chien barked in agreement.

Alex helped Aaron open his backpack and peer inside. The other man gave them a weak smile, "I don't know how much food you have, but this is all I got."

Alex was expecting a couple of sad crumbs, but Aaron's bag was full of food; a cereal box, a few cans of soup, a fucking  _apple_ , and a container of mixed nuts. It may not sound like much, but to Alexander, it was a feast. His stomach growled at the thought of eating  _any_  of those. Alex grabbed his tummy absentmindedly.

"I'm sorry," Alex replied, his voice soft, ashamed, "But we don't even have this much."

Aaron frowned a little, "How much do you have?"

Alex shot him a desperate look. As always, Aaron knew what he was thinking. He let out a low whistle and shook his head. Alex felt his face flush with embarrassment. How shitty were they at surviving the apocalypse? Did everyone else have efficient rations? Was he just the bottom of the survival food chain?

"Do you have any plans…?" Aaron asked. ' _To get more_ ', he didn't say.

Alex tilted his head back, bonking it on the wagon tiredly. "You know I don't."

Aaron was quiet for a long moment before he sighed and handed the container of nuts to Alexander. "Eat."

"No, no, you don't-" Alex said, pushing the nuts back. He couldn't take them. Food was so hard to come by…

"Alexander." Aaron said, his tone leaving no room for argument. Alex's stomach won his mental debate, and he relented far quicker than he wanted to.

Smiling gratefully, Alex took the nuts, frantically to yanking the lid off. The salty, woody smell drifted up, making his mouth water. Alex thought he was going to cry. He had been so hungry, and now he'd be able to feed himself; if only for a little bit. Aaron smiled at him, pulling out the apple. He took a bite out of it and sighed in content.

Thomas had pulled the bag of dog food out of his backpack. Alex was going to make a retort about how he was a hoarder, but something about the other man's body language told him to play nice.

Chien sat patiently by Thomas' feet, her tail going wild. She barked at Thomas to hurry up, but didn't jump at him. She was good like that; well-trained. Polite.

Thomas poured the dog food straight into the pavement in a little pile. Chien was already slurping them up before he could get his hands out of the way.

"Thomas," Alex held up the nuts container, raising an eyebrow. Thomas hesitated, glancing between Alex and Aaron. Like Alexander, his hunger must've won over his thoughts, because he shuffled over and sat next to Alex, far away from Aaron. His breath ghosted over Alex's cheek as he took the nuts, "Thanks."

A shiver ran down Alexander's spine.

"How long have you been traveling together?" Aaron asked. Alex turned to look at him - how long was he staring at Thomas? Burr's eyes were watching them carefully. Alex had seen that look in his eyes before, when he was reading over case notes.

Alex shrugged, "Since the beginning."

"Since New York." Thomas commented under his breath. Alex didn't know the difference.

Alex turned his attention back to Aaron, asking quietly, "Your family, are they…?"

Aaron's expression darkened, "Theodosia… didn't make it."

"And Theo?" Alex asked hopefully.

Aaron took a deep breath, "We got separated. I was following Daisy. I thought she was leading me to her…"

Alex squeezed Aaron's hand briefly. His fingers were cold, even to Alex. He gave him a tight smile, "She'll be okay. She's tough."

Aaron nodded, his eyes holding a sad kind of fondness, "She's her mother's daughter."

"Have you seen anyone else?" Alex asked.

"No." Aaron shot Alex a grateful look, "I was going insane from being alone."

Alex chuckled, "I understand that."

Alex missed the hurt look that ran across Thomas' face. The two continued to chatter and catch up, finding some much-needed comfort and familiarity in the other. The entire time, Thomas was silent, his arms crossed over his chest. The only time he moved was to gently pet Chien, who was resting her chin on his bad foot; or to grab another handful of nuts.

Eventually they got onto the topic of what once was and the times they shared. Aaron was chuckling as Alex recalled a drunken memory of an office party. "Then Lee fell flat on his face in front of Washington."

"And then James Madison almost died from how much he drank." Aaron remembered fondly.

Alex's smile fell. He turned and looked to Thomas, who was now standing up and walking away from them.

"Thom-" Alex tried, reaching for the other man, but he was already gone. Alex watched as he walked off down the road.

"Something I said?" Aaron asked.

"Sorry, James travelled with us. Sore topic." Alex slowly turned back to Aaron. "He, well, he's not…"

Alex couldn't find himself to say it. He died. James Madison died. It felt so long ago; Alex thought he was over it. But that's the thing about death - it's never really over.

"I'm sorry." Aaron said quietly.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you." Alex replied. "He was your friend, too."

Aaron nodded silently, his gaze distant. They didn't speak for a long moment. Until Burr took a deep breath and found the courage to move on. "So." Aaron nodded over to Thomas' distant form, "are you and Grumpy…?"

Alex frowned, then blushed, then smiled, then frowned again, all in the span of five seconds. "Me? Him? No! No. No, he, um, we're- don't-"

"Alexander," Aaron easily silenced him with a gentle hand to his shoulder. "Talk less."

Alex only blushed again and looked away. "I don't think he's interested. Or, maybe he was, but I ruined it."

Aaron hummed in the back of his throat, "Yes, that sounds like you."

Alex scoffed and the two sat in silence, watching the clouds. There was something echoing in Alex's mind. Something he hasn't thought of since he was a teenager. He looked down at his nails, absentmindedly tugging at the knots in his hair.

"Aaron…" Alex asked, his voice open, exposed like a fresh wound. "Am I… pretty?"

Aaron frowned as first, then, to Alex's frustration, he laughed. Not a mean laugh, or a loud one, because this was Burr. He kept his laughs at a reasonable tone. Realizing that Alex might have been serious, Aaron's smile faded a little, "No, Alex. You look disgusting. You haven't showered in months. You're malnourished. Nothing about you looks  _pretty_."

Alex realized that Burr was right, but it still wasn't what he wanted to hear. He forced a small smile, muttering, "Of course." under his breath.

Aaron's eyes zeroed in on him. Alex knew that he was being mentally dissected, and he wasn't fond of it; but this was Aaron Burr and that was basically a requirement for any conversations with him. Aaron replied earnestly, "Yes, you're very pretty, Alexander."

It still felt a little patronizing.

"What's this about?" Aaron asked. When Alex hesitated, Aaron glanced at Thomas, who was pacing somewhere behind Alex. "Is this about him?"

Alex frowned even as he felt his cheeks burn. His silence was the only answer Aaron needed. The other man sat back, staring at the trees he stumbled out of. "Huh."

"It's just…" Alex took a deep breath, "I like him. A lot. He's been my saving grace in this mess of a world and I genuinely know that I would've died at least ten times now without him. He's… all I have."

"So why don't you tell him that?" Aaron asked, nudging Alex a little.

Alex thought for a second, turning to look over his shoulder. Thomas ran a hand through his hair, and, feeling Alex's gaze, looked up at him. The wind blew suddenly, whipping Alex's hair out of his face. He swallowed hard, feeling like they were standing face to face. He wanted to go to him. He wanted to touch him. To hold him. He just didn't know if he was allowed to anymore. Neither of them did.

"Alexander?"

Alex turned away from Thomas, his thoughts scattered. Aaron raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. Alex hesitated, a rarity around Burr, "It's… not the right time. He's incredibly mad at me right now. I think I really hurt him..." Alex shook his head slightly, "I'd have to make things right again before he'd listen to me."

Aaron pursed his lips in thought, "With thinking like that, it'll never be the 'right time'." Alex looked up at him, seeing a wisdom in his eyes that few notice. Aaron carried on, "There's always going to be something that's holding you back, especially now. ' _It's too dangerous, what if one of us dies?'_  But that's the thing - you  _could_  die. Any second, any moment. Time is a luxury we no longer possess." Aaron smiled a little as he looked Alex in the eye, his voice imploring, "So why waste it?"

Alex let out a breathy laugh, running a hand through his hair, "I- I don't know…"

Aaron glanced over Alex's shoulder suddenly, his expression flickering slightly. He placed his hand on Alex's knee, patting it twice, "Think about it."

Before Alex could say anything, Thomas pushed past them, kicking up some dirt as he went. Alex frowned, observing Thomas' tense shoulders and clenched fists. What had upset him now? Alex sighed out his nose as Thomas grabbed a sleeping bag from the wagon. He set up his sleeping spot - alone - on the other side of the wagon.

"I suppose we should follow his lead." Alex muttered. "I can keep first watch, if you'd like."

Aaron smiled thankfully, "Please."

The shorter man watched as Aaron settled down, closing his eyes. Even Chien was turning in circles to take a nap. She was laying in the distance between Aaron and Thomas, as if she couldn't decide which one she wanted to sleep next to. Alex let out a deep sigh and stared up at the clouds. He was alone with his thoughts, once more.

Aaron Burr was alive. And hopefully, so was Theo Jr. If they had made it out of New York… could anyone else? Did… did his friends survive? Is he  _really_  alone in this world….?

For the first time in a long time, Alexander let himself have hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


	22. If You Had To Choose

"Ow! Fuck!" Alex grunts as Thomas rips the brush through his ratty, knotted hair again. One of Thomas' hands is on his shoulder, keeping him still, while the other manages the shitty plastic brush that Aaron had given them. That dick.

Alex shoots a glare at Aaron, who's watching them with barely hidden amusement. Thomas gently runs a hand down Alex's hair once in a soothing motion, and Alex tilts his head back to look up at him. He puts on a slightly posh accent as he says, "Please, sir, no more."

Thomas' lips quirk up - it was so hard to get him to smile lately - but he just silently pushes Alex's head back into place and continues brushing.

By the time he's done, Alex isn't going to have any hair left to brush. He winces as another fistful is yanked through the teeth of the brush, forcing knots to unravel against their will. Really, what was so wrong with messy hair? Why was this a necessity?

"This is cruel and unusual punishment," Alex griped, "and is in violation of the Eighth Amend _ment!_ " His pitch spiked at the end as the brush tugged too hard, burning his scalp.

Aaron hummed thoughtfully, "The court cannot confirm that the act of brushing your hair is a ' _punishment_ ' and therefore rules in favor of the defendant."

Despite the pain, a grin spread across Alex's face. He jumped on the debate, excitedly arguing, "Then the brush provides a clear and present danger - to my head - and requires a cease and desist."

Aaron chuckled, unsurprised by Alexander's enthusiasm. He raised an eyebrow and rhetorically asked, "A clear and present danger  _of a substantive Evil_?"

Alex paused for a second, before confidently confirming, "Absolutely."

"You've gotten sloppy, Alexander." Aaron teased, and Alex found himself laughing along with his old friend; a lite joy fluttering through his body.

Until the brush ripped all his hair off. " _OW!_  Thomas!"

"Sorry." Thomas muttered quietly. Alex turned to look at him once more; the man's expression was stormy, his shoulders tense, but Alex ignored that, choosing instead to look into the other man's eyes. They seemed darker lately. Sadder.

Alex wondered if he'd ever be able to help him. How can he fix what he'd done? How could he get Thomas to forgive him? To move on? The answer still wasn't clear.

Sighing, Alex turned and looked back forward. As he did so, he saw movement from the corner of his eye. Chien suddenly started barking. Gaze shooting up, Alex watched as a zombie stalked towards their little camp, hungry and determined.

Without missing a beat (and with beautifully brushed hair), Alex lunged forward and grabbed the pistol that was laying by the fire. He had no thoughts in his head; no cognitive process at all. He just pointed and shot, without blinking an eye. The resounding  _bang_  that echoed through his ears was enough to shake him back to reality.

Like stepping out of a trance, he lowered the gun and turned to Thomas. The other man's eyes were wide, he was staring at the zombie's limp body with shock. Alex watched as he swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. Thomas' eyes met his, and Alex licked his lips. He felt his chest tingle as Thomas' gaze flickered down to stare at the motion.

"Jesus." Aaron muttered, stealing Alexander's attention once more. "It got pretty close to us before we noticed."

Alex nodded, "We need to keep moving."

"There's a town not too far from here." Aaron nodded, "I saw a sign yesterday. We can restock our supplies."

"Perfect. We'll find some stores, break into some houses, the usual." Alex grinned, turning to look at Thomas, "right?"

Thomas glanced from Alex to Aaron, and the longer he stayed silent, the more strained Alex's smile became. Finally, he blinked hard, his body kind of jerking, before he nodded. "Yeah, right."  
Alex frowned as Thomas pressed the brush into his hands and walked off, his head low. Aaron steps up next to him, frowning, "What was that about?"  
"God, I don't know." Alex replied, sighing. "I feel like we're on opposite sides of an earthquake, and the sides are pulling themselves further and further away."

"Poetic." Aaron said, patting his shoulder, "You'll be fine."

Pouting, Alex stuck out his tongue while Aaron went to gather up his stuff. He wasn't quite sure - he couldn't put his finger on it - but there was something about their situation that reminded him of New York, when all this first started.

But then he looked over at Chien growling at the dead zombie body and he realized that maybe things were a little different after all.

* * *

"Okay." Alex said, leaning back in his swivel chair, "I have a question."

John Laurens, new best friend extraordinaire, and Aaron both look up at him. They were in Aaron and Alex's dorm room, studying. Well, Aaron and Alex were studying. John was doodling cats in his notes.

John gestured for him to speak, so Alex took a deep breath - or as deep as he could take with his bandages on. He fiddled with the corner of his textbook, his gaze skittering away from them. "So, I've been experimenting with some clothing, and…" He feels his cheeks heat up slightly, "...how do you wear boxers with skinny jeans?"

John and Aaron share a glance.

"Um." John said eloquently.

Alex carried on quickly, "Every time I put them on, they get all bunchy and uncomfortable. Is there some kind of secrete way to wear them or-?"

"Here." John stood up, his hands already at his belt. "You gotta, like, straighten everything out as you put on your jeans."

Aaron shook his head, finding amusement in the way John stumbled out of his pants. Alex watched with rapt attention, only looking away when Aaron said, "In short - you don't. If you're going to wear boxers, then you can't wear skinny jeans. You have to pick one or the other."

John nodded in agreement, even as he continued his demonstration, one leg still out of the pants. "Yeah, cuz even if you get it right, they'll just bunch up when you walk anyway. And then you have to fix them again."  
Aaron shot Alex a warning look, his tone serious, "But not in public. You're not a frat boy."

Alex nodded, taking all of their advice into consideration. He wanted to wear boxers, but  _God_  did he love skinny jeans. He might have to settle for briefs.

A phone went off.

John plucked the device off of Alex's bed, pulling his pants up with one hand. He worked on adjusting his clothes while he answered the phone. "Hey, babe."

Alex couldn't hear the voice on the other side of the phone, but he knew it was John's mysterious boyfriend, " _Sam"_. They hadn't met, and honestly, Alex would prefer to keep it that way. He doesn't think they'd get along.

John doesn't talk about him much.  
"Uh, I'm with Alex." John said, "No, babe, we're studying. I told yo- right. Sorry."

Now it was Alex and Aaron's turn to share concerned glances. John turned away from them, looking up to the ceiling, like he was praying for strength.

"Okay. Alright." John said agreeably. "Okay, just let me get my pants on."

The voice on the other side was  _very_  distinguishable now, as it shouted, " _YOUR WHAT?!_ "

John winced, and Alex didn't blame him. He wanted to curl up in a ball just watching as John kicked it into double time, throwing his pants on, grabbing his stuff, and striding to the door. He mouthed to Alex  _goodbye_  and was gone without another word. Alex was surprised that his hair was still in place from the wind that swept through their room with his departure.

"I worry about him." Alex sighed.

Aaron hummed in agreement, his eyes still on the door. Then, without missing a beat, he asked, "What did you get for number seven?"

"Uh," Alex said, twisting around to look at his homework, "I put false, because the plaintiff is a child."

"Then wouldn't it be true?" Aaron asked, "Children have less protection in terms of free speech, so then the defendant would've won the case."

Alex shook his head, falling into the debate with his roommate easily. They bickered back and forth about the homework until all thoughts about boxers or boyfriends were forgotten.

* * *

The town that Aaron pointed out was called Arietta, and it could only  _barely_  be considered a town. The entire place was just a collection of houses along one road in the middle of the forest. There was a general store and a hotel and honestly not much else. Alex would've found the place a lovely retirement destination, if it weren't for the fact that he needed supplies  _now_  and Arietta wasn't supplying him with much.

Regardless, they walked up to the first house they saw. Alex frowned when he reached the front door - it was already open. That's not  _too_  unusual these days - when a lot of people evacuated, they didn't even have time to let the door hit them on the way out, - but it was still a warning. Alex shared a glance with Thomas, both of them were holding their guns. Aaron was given the knife.

Alex slowly stepped into the house, careful not to make too much noise. He crouched low, squatting so that way Thomas would be able to shoot over his head, in necessary. A family of rats scrambled out of sight when Alex started his slow movement into the house.

The place was covered in dust. The couch was missing all its cushions, and there's an empty space in the middle of the living room where it looks like a table and chairs sat previously. The tv was untouched, as well as the lamps. But all the logs from the fireplace were missing.

"Clear." Alex said over his shoulder once he checked all of the first floor. Thomas nodded and moved upstairs, leaving Alex and Aaron alone. Alex worked on finding the pantry. He'd given up on fridges ages ago; anything worthy in there would've been rotten by now.

Alex frowned when he opened the pantry to find every single shelf was empty. Usually when they raided houses, there were slim pickings, but there was always  _something_. This place didn't even have moldy potatoes or a cup of sugar. It looked more like a dirty home that someone was going to move  _into_ ; clear and ready to be filled.

"Um." Alex said, just staring at the barren shelves.

"Check the cupboards." Aaron said over his shoulder. They both moved to the other side of the kitchen, throwing open drawers and doors. Alex's desperation only grew with each blank drawer bottom staring back at him.

"I found a junk drawer!" Alex called in excitement. Aaron glanced over at him, wiping away a cobweb.

He asked, "Can we eat anything in it?"

Alex checked. Papers, pens, paper clips, stabler… "No."

But, there was a fancy little leather book that was bound with a string. It looked homemade, and Alex instantly snatched it up. He opened the book, leaning against the counter as he read.

_OJ, cheese, tomatoes, mints_

How dare this previous fancy book owner use the fanciest book in the world as a fucking grocery list. Alex wanted to rip the page out, but he was worried it might ruin the journal. He figured he'd keep it, to honor the previous owner. Rip grocery journal dude.

Alex shoved the journal into this backpack, making sure to throw a couple pens and pencils in there as well. Aaron slams one of the cabinets in frustration.

"Someone got here before us." He said, running a hand over his head.

"I'll get Thomas, and then we can head out to the next place. There has to be somewhere in this place that hasn't been hit yet." Alex said. Aaron nodded and gestured for him to go.

Alex left him alone downstairs, trusting that he would be safe by himself. Alex slowly crept over the stairs, calculating every creek. He slowed his steps at the top, taking a moment to observe the format of the second floor. All the doors were open, with a decent amount of light coming through, so he didn't spend too much time checking for danger. Thomas had been up here for a long time without alerting them of any danger, after all.

"Thomas?" Alex called, turning when he heard footsteps. The other man poked his head out from within one of the bedrooms. Something in Alex relaxed at seeing him safe; it didn't matter that he just saw Thomas twenty minutes ago, he still worried. He tried to not sound desperate as he asked, "Find anything?"  
He failed; desperation leaked through his words, dripping down every syllable. Alex just hoped Thomas would believe the emotion was directed towards finding supplies and not - correctly - understanding it to be Alex's repetitious mantra of  _forgive me talk to me please talk to me please please_.

Thomas shifted his weight a little, sighing, "Nothing."

"I know," Alex groaned, "The kitchen was barren."  
"No, I mean,  _literally_  nothing." Thomas said, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the bedroom. Alex, surprised, stumbled into Thomas' back at the abrupt movement. He was about to apologize, but Thomas kept talking, "There's not even a mattress."

Alex looked up at that. The bed was nothing more than an empty skeleton of frames. The mattress, the blankets, pillows, everything had been stolen from the home. Someone had definitely been here first. Alex huffed, "Pretty shitty sloppy seconds, huh?"

"You can say that again." Thomas grumbled. It was at that point that they both looked at each other, then down at their still-joined hands. Alex felt the exact moment Thomas tensed up and the air around them shifted. Alex squeezed Thomas' hand gently, his gaze unbreaking.

"Are you okay?" He found himself asking.

Thomas hesitated, which only made Alex more concerned. When he spoke, he couldn't meet Alex's eye, "Yeah."

"You wanna try again," Alex asked, raising an eyebrow, "and not lie to me this time?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Thomas replied, growing irritated.

Alex let go of his hand, "Is this about...?" He rubbed the back of his neck, averting his gaze, "About Baby?"

Thomas almost looked startled at the question, he blinked rapidly before giving Alex a short response, "N-no, um, no it's not." He sounded a little distant. Alex didn't like the sad look in his eye. More than that, he didn't like how Thomas felt like a  _stranger_  suddenly. They had been traveling together for so long, but none of that seemed to matter anymore. Thomas wasn't willing to forgive him it seemed, and that thought broke Alexander's heart.

A coldness formed in Alex's chest when Thomas didn't continue. He glanced away and grumbled, "When are you going to fucking talk to me?!" Alex closed his eyes, feeling the frustration build inside him, "I know that I fucked up and I know it was my fault. Things have been going downhill ever since I lost Baby, and I know you don't like having Aaron around, and your emotions are valid, and how you express them is your own business, but I'm trying to be better, and I want you to be better, and I'm so confused, and I'm sorry, but god damn it, I  _miss_  you!"

His voice shook with emotion at the end, his body reacting more than he wanted it to. He felt tears prickle at the edges of his eyes, and his face grew flushed. Alex sniffled and dared to catch a glimpse of Thomas' expression.

Stunned silence met him. Thomas' eyes were wide, his lips parted. His cheeks had a darkness to them that Alex appreciated. But still, he wouldn't say anything. The lack of a response was maddening.

Alex took Thomas' hand, his voice shameful and pitiful, "Please, Thomas, aren't we friends?"

A pained expression flashed in Thomas' eyes, but it was gone before Alex could question it; replacing it was an intense determination that sucked the air out of Alexander's chest. Or maybe  _that_  was because Thomas decided then was the perfect moment to push him up against the nearest wall.

Alex let out a soft gasp as his back hit the wall; Thomas pressed up against him. He didn't register their lips sliding together, because his mind was too focused on Thomas' hands; large and warm, which had slipped under his shirt to hold his hips firmly in place. Alex responded to the kiss after a second of confusion, throwing himself into the experience.

His hands slid up Thomas' clothed chest, around his neck, and then into his coiled hair. All the while, Thomas' tongue swiped across Alexander's, sparking his taste buds to life with desire. One of Thomas' hands left his hips to cup his neck, pulling Alex closer still. A soft moan escaped his lips, and he was delighted to hear Thomas respond with his own little whine. It felt like they were speaking their own language; something secret, and sacred.

In that moment, Alexander realized what he was doing and who he was doing it with. He froze for half a second, his muscles tensing. Thomas started to pull away, aware of Alexander's sudden anxiety. But before he could, Alex remembered that he  _wanted_ to kiss the other man, and his hands shot out and held Thomas in place. They were both tense for half a second while they each tried to figure out what to do, before they settled into a long, comfortable, unbreaking kiss.

An image came to Alexander's mind, while he was kissing Thomas, and the image was, well, of them kissing; but it also was the world around them fading into a darkness, yet the two of them were alit by a ring of butterflies that surrounded them, protecting them from the shadows. Alexander felt his knees go weak, he leaned into Thomas' chest, letting the other man hold some of his weight.

Alex never wanted this to end; he was walking on water and flying through the air at the same time.  _Thomas Jefferson_  was  _kissing_  him. Alex could feel the heat on his cheeks, just as he could feel the pounding of his heart in his chest and hear the blood rushing in his ears. It was perfect.

Then Alex heard the sound of glass breaking, followed shortly by a grunt. Alex instantly pulled away from Thomas, immediately going into defense mode. He found his gun from the floor - when did he drop it? - and stood in the doorway, finger on the trigger.

"Aaron, check in." Alex called, slowly creeping forward.

He relaxed when he heard his friend call back, "I'm fine! Don't worry!"

Sighing, Alex lowered his gun. He closed his eyes and took inventory of his emotions. His heart was fluttering, still switching between anxiety and delight. Thomas kissed him, oh God, oh dear good Lord in Heaven, Thomas  _kissed_  him! Alex's fingers fluttered up to brush over his rosary. His heart was still alive and racing under his necklace.

Oh, God, what did this  _mean_?! Thomas kissed  _him._  All Alex wanted was answers, he just wanted to talk, he wanted forgiveness - is that what Thomas was trying to say? That Alex was forgiven? Or was this just a weird-touch-starve-thing? He decided the problem here was that he didn't know Thomas'  _intent_. The only way he can find out is by asking him.

But what if it  _is_  just a touch starve thing? Or the forgiveness thing? Or Thomas was just horny? Alex didn't want to know the answer if it was any of those. He  _liked_  Thomas, and he wanted Thomas to like him back...

Finally, he opened his eyes, unwillingly glancing over at Thomas. The other man was staring at him, his fingers brushing over his lips thoughtfully. As soon as their gazes locked, Alex felt his cheeks burst into flames.

Oh fuck. Oh shit. Oh fucking shit.

He just  _made out_  with Thomas while they were on a dangerous supplies run! And he wants to do it again...

"Um." Alex muttered at the same time as Thomas whispered, "Alex..."

Awkwardly, they both stopped and waited for the other to talk. Alex chuckled nervously, ending it in a forced cough. Thomas swallowed, averting his gaze.

"I'm sorry." Thomas said suddenly. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, but Alex could still see how they shook.

Alex had instantly thought of a million responses:

_Don't be._

_For what?_

_Me too._

But what he settled on was a quiet, "Uh, um, Aaron said we should move on to the next place. So."

Thomas was staring at him, unmoving. Alex knew his answer wasn't the right one; he was running from the situation. But he couldn't talk about it right now. He couldn't have Thomas rip the experience away from him, leaving him it just the memory. Besides, they were in possible-zombie-zone and he needed to focus on not dying.

"Right." Thomas muttered, finally tearing his gaze away from him, "...right."

Alex almost threw himself down the stairs in an attempt to get away from the awkward air. He pushed all of these stupid thoughts from his mind. He had to be focused, they were on a mission, damn it!

He was still blushing when he came downstairs, Aaron was looking out the window, his backpack hanging from one arm. Alex called out, "Anything wrong?"  
"I thought I saw something movi-" Aaron stopped when he turned to look at Alex. His eyes fluttered up and down Alex, observing his body language. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine." Alex said, running a hand through his hair. He glanced over at the stairs, Thomas hadn't come down yet. He needed to focus, focus,  _focus!_

"Hey, deep breath." Aaron's hand was on his shoulder now, his eyes looking deep into his own. "What happened?"

"Thomas…." Alex started, but stopped. He took a few deep breaths, focusing on the way his chest rose and fell; feeling the air travel through him. When he was done, he felt a little more clear headed. His mind was stuck on a loop, reliving the last few moments - Thomas pushing him up against the wall; a warm tongue sliding against his own; a firm grip holding him there; warm skin under his hands….

Aaron seemed concerned, looking over Alex's shoulder at the empty stairs, "Did he do something to you? Are you hurt?"  
"No!" Alex shook his head, smiling shyly, "He kissed me…"

Once Aaron realized that they  _weren't_  in intense danger, he rolled his eyes and muttered, "Sweet Jesus."  
"Aaron!" Alex huffed, "This is important!"

Aaron shook his head and started towards the door. As he opened it, he called, "Thomas, we're leaving now!"

There was a scrambling as Thomas ran down the stairs, Alex glanced at him over his shoulder. Thomas wouldn't make eye contact with him, instead deciding to focus where he was stepping. Sighing, Alex quickly followed Aaron out the door; forcing everything he wanted to say down his throat.

Aaron let out a grunt, gaining Alex's attention. He nodded to a zombie that had noticed them; the monster was stumbling up to them with one leg. Alex raised his gun and shot the zombie instantly, unbothered by the way the zombie screeched in pain. The zombie couldn't catch itself, with only one leg, and it fell down to the ground, squirming like a turtle on its back. Alex kept walking.

* * *

The longer they crept from house to house, pillaging anything they could find, the more and more obvious it became that there actually wasn't anything to pillage in the first place. Alex stopped in the middle of the road, looking between four cabin houses that - upon inspection - were all barren. Aaron stepped up to him, clear confusion on his face. Alex blew his hair out of his face, "What is this, some kind of Boy Scouts camp?"

"No..." Aaron said slowly. He squinted down the road, his gaze tracking something between the trees. "Camp is somewhere else. This was a shopping trip."

"What?" Alex frowned.

"Haven't you noticed?" Aaron asked, gesturing to the houses they'd looked through.

Thomas stepped up, startling Alex. Where did he disappear to? And, more importantly, why didn't Alexander notice his absence sooner? Thomas frowned, "Guys, we're late to the party. Big time. They took everythin' but the kitchen sink."

Aaron nodded, "Which means there's a camp nearby. With who knows how many people."

"That's good!" Alex said.

"That's  _bad_!" Aaron and Thomas said at once, startling all three of them.

Alex frowned, ignoring how he had to look up to both of them during this argument. "Maybe they can help us!"

Thomas threw his hands up in the air, "Are you kidding me, Alex? Big groups of people are  _always_  bad! When has a congress  _ever_  succeeded under pressure?! If we cross their path, we're done."

"I'm with Princey." Aaron said, nodding to Thomas. "And if there's any chance the people who stole all this shit are still around? I want to find Theo and get out of here."

"'Find Theo'." Thomas echoed, his voice raising slightly, "Theo's probably forty miles  _that_  way! We  _travelled here_!"

"Then let's  _travel_  back." Aaron said through gritted teeth. Alex raised an eyebrow, surprised by the harshness of the other man's tone.

Thomas didn't seem bothered, rolling his own eyes. "Absolutely not. The longer we stick around here, the worse it'll be. We have to keep moving northward."

"Why northward?" Aaron asked, his gaze holding a curious caution.

"We're going to Canada." Alex said quietly.

Aaron scoffed, muttering under his breath, "Yes, jump from country to country to avoid your problems, that's mature."

"Excuse me?" Alex turned hostile, head snapping up to look at Aaron. The other man winced, like he regretted saying it, but the words were out there.

To his credit, Aaron doesn't shut up, "Alexander, please. Canada? Why in Heaven would you go on such a long journey?"

"Thomas said he knows a place…" Even as he said it, Alex suddenly felt unsure. His wide eyes slid over to where Thomas was watching them. A shiver ran through Alex then, and it wasn't a good one. Alex only then seemed to realize that they had absolutely no idea where they were going.

"It's true, Canada was taking in refugees when everything went down, but Alex, that's such a long shot." Aaron said, "We need to go find my daughter. We can find a place that's secluded-"

"And then what?" Thomas interrupted, "And then you live happily ever after? Don't pretend like you have any more of a plan than I do!"

"I KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT!" Aaron shouted, his voice shaking with emotion. Alex reached forward, helping the man steady himself - or maybe to protect Thomas from some hands. Aaron's fingers gripped onto Alexander firmly, even as he snarled at Thomas, "My daughter,  _my family_ , is the most important thing to me! I don't care if I die trying, I am going to find Theodosia Jr. and I am going to  _bring her home_."

Thomas, to his credit, had the decency to glance away as he replied, "I understand that, man. But that's not my journey to take with you. I'm not gonna force you to come to Canada with us." He held up his hands, apparently trying to loosen the tension in the air. Alex found himself relaxing slightly, even as the two men still glared at each other. "But we can't waste anymore time off course. It's going to be winter soon…"

Aaron cleared his throat, shifting back into a more natural position. Alex glanced between the two men, startled and confused. Aaron said, "Very well. You can go on your way and I'll go on mine. Alexander?"  
Alex blinked, looking up at Aaron. "Uh, what?"

"Are you going to travel northward with  _him_  or will you help me find my daughter?" Aaron asked, a harshness in his tone that Alex wasn't familiar with.

"Uh-"

Thomas shook his head, "Alex is coming with me!"

"Uh-"

"Alexander gets to decide for himself whom he wants to travel with." Aaron responded, a protectiveness in his tone that reminded Alex of their bond. Thomas' gaze narrowed, like he wanted to argue, but knew he couldn't without it backfiring.

"I'm talking now!" Alex demanded. Startled, they both jumped. Alex would've laughed, if he weren't so annoyed just then. The two men turned to him expectantly, and Alex took in a deep breath. He had Some Shit To Say. "Firstly, you are both talking out of your asses and need to take a fuckin' walk. Yes, the buildings have been stolen from-"

"They were  _stripped_ , Alexan-" Aaron started, but Alex interrupted him, louder, "I'M TALKING NOW!"

Aaron huffed, but was used to this behavior. Alexander didn't get where he was in life (before the zombies and starvation) by being quiet. Alex continued, "It's the  _apocalypse_! Of course some of the towns are going to be pillaged! This isn't the first, it won't be the last." Thomas looked like he was going to counter-argue, but Alex raised a finger, not halting in his speech, " _AND_  I understand that this is the first time we've seen a town completely raided like this before. I don't care. You still need more evidence that there's something inherently more dangerous than just a couple of zombies and some desperate refugees.

"Which reminds me!" Alex turned to Aaron, his temper flaring again, " _What_  is wrong with refugees?  _WE'RE_  refugees! I know you're worried about your daughter, but what if they have her? What if she's safe  _with them_? I swear, if we can't even trust each other, we're no better than the zombies!"

Thomas shrugged, "We're still  _a little_  better than the zombies."

"Don't push it." Alex hissed, and he hated that he kind of wanted to smile. He forced his attention back to Aaron, "Secondly, even if there is something dangerous out there - which,  _shocker_ , there always is! - wouldn't it be better if we stick together!?"

"I don't feel comfortable staying in this area anymore." Thomas said, the harshness in his tone softening to a more honest tint. "I would much rather keep moving north."  
"Well, I am not moving another step northward until I find Theo." Aaron replied, maintaining eye contact with Thomas. "So, this might just be where we go separate ways."

"Fine by me." Thomas shrugged again.

Alex wanted to scream. It was like neither of them even heard him. And yet, he also could understand them. Thomas was right; they needed to find somewhere safe, away from possible dangers. But Alexander  _knew_  Theo Jr. He had babysat her millions of times. She was basically another member of the family. If she was still alive, out there, cold and alone, he wanted to find her.

"Alexander."

He doesn't know which one said that. But now they were both staring at him, and he could feel the trees around them darken and swirl into an abyss. Their surroundings disappeared; it was just Alex and these two men, watching his every move. He felt his heart rate pick up. He had to make a decision.

He had to choose.

"Aaron, can I talk to you?" Alex asked. Thomas froze up, an urgency in his eyes that he tried hard to cover. Aaron and Alex walked a few feet away, the air quiet and somber. Alex took a deep breath, "How likely is it that Theo is alive?"

A deep pain shot through him when he looked up into Aaron's eyes. He was aware of what he was doing. He just asked a parent to deeply, logically, rationally, debate the chances of their own child's survival. He knew how horrible the conversation was. But they still had to have it.

"I'm not sure." Aaron replied quietly. "But if there's even a one percent chance that she's alive, I have to find her. She's all I have left in this world. You understand that, don't you?"

Alex's gaze shifted over to Thomas, behind Aaron's shoulder. The other man was petting Chien, speaking quietly to the dog. His expression was heartbreaking. Alex couldn't imagine leaving him; knowing that he would be facing the world alone. The thought wouldn't even form in his mind. They were always together. Him and Thomas, against everything.

"Yeah," Alex said, "I do."

Aaron seemed to read his mind. He sighed and took Alex's hand, shaking it firmly. "It has been nice knowing you, Alexander."  
"Find her." Alex said, staring Aaron into the eyes. The other man swallowed hard, emotion dancing in his eyes. Alex offered him a small smile, "Find her and bring her home."

"I will." Aaron then pulled Alex into a hug, surprising him. Alex felt tears princkle at his vision. He squeezed Aaron tight, unwilling to let go. Will he ever see him again? Is this their last goodbye? The uncertainty of it all terrified Alexander. When he pulled back, both men nervously chuckled at their red eyes. Aaron took a small step back, and Alex watched as he gathered his things.

"You should take Chien with you." Alex said thoughtfully. "I don't want you to be alone out there."  
Aaron smiled thankfully, "Daisy has been the greatest help I've had so far. Aside from you."

"Be careful." Alex added unnecessarily.

Aaron pulled his backpack on, adjusting the straps as he went. He found the knife they gave him and held it out to return it. Alex shook his head.  
"Keep it. You don't have any weapons."

They stood there in silence for a moment, just watching each other. Alex didn't want it to end. Because the second Aaron leaves them, he has no idea if the other man is alive or dead. There was no guaranteed safety anymore.

Aaron let out a little whistle and Chien excitedly bounded over to them, watching with curiosity. Aaron pet her gently before finally saying to Alex, "I'll see you on the other side."

Alex nodded, biting his lip. As Aaron turned and started his own adventure, Chien at his heels, Alex whispered, "See you on the other side."

When Alex turned back around, Thomas was standing by the wagon. He had his hands in his pockets, and he was staring at the ground. Alex took a deep breath and slowly approached the other man.

"Um-" Alex started. He was going to tell Thomas that Aaron kept their knife, or maybe that he gave away the dog, and then he remembered how much Thomas liked Chien, and he got a sinking feeling in his gut that Thomas was going to be mad because he gave away  _another_  small creature to a "stranger". But Thomas didn't even let him get that far.

For the second time that hour, Alex got pulled into a tight embrace. Startled, Alex allowed the hug to happen, simply standing there while Thomas held him. The taller man let out a shaky sigh. Alex could feel his breath on his cheek when he whispered, "Thank you."  
Now Alex was confused. "W-what for?"  
Thomas pulled back to look at him, his hand reaching up to brush some stray hair out of Alexander's face. "For staying with me. I know he was your friend and I know that it was difficult to say goodbye. You could've gone and I would've understood completely. But I-I-I-" He swallowed hard suddenly, like he was trying to keep his next words in. His gaze danced around Alex's face before sprinting away, his voice shaky and meek, "I was so scared I was going to lose you."

"Hey…" Alex said quietly, shushing the other man. His heartstrings tugged inside his chest at the genuine emotion in Thomas' voice. What crazy thought were rushing around his mind all day? How thin of a tightrope were Thomas' thoughts sprinting across? And for how long? Has he been this anxious since Aaron arrived? Since Baby? This entire time, he was just scared. Alex wanted to slap himself - of  _course_  Thomas was scared.

They just lost their daughter to some stranger in the woods, only for a  _new_  stranger to show up and try to seperate them? (Not that Alex blamed Aaron in the slightest). Every foundation Thomas had set up for himself was crumbling right in front of him. Alex didn't blame him for being a little paranoid.

"I'm never leaving you." Alex promised quietly, taking Thomas' hand. He rubbed the back of Thomas' hand with his thumb, looking up into his eyes. Thomas' breath hitched as Alex gave him a tiny smile, "Ride or die, remember?"

Thomas looked down at their hands, surprised. He nodded to himself, a smile growing on his lips. "Right, right."

Alex lingered, his muscles untensing for the first time in days. It was then that Alex realized how close the two were standing; practically pressed against each other. Thomas' arms were still loosely wrapped around him. Alex tried to remember the last time they were this close to each other. He licked his lips, then remembering  _exactly_  the last time they were this close. The abandoned house;  _the kiss_.

"Thomas-"

"Alex, I-"

They giggled, awkwardly. Alex cleared his throat, his nerves building. There was something he needed to know and he might as well figure it out now. His grip on Thomas tightened a little as he asked, "Why did you kiss me?"

Thomas winced, his expression panicked. Alex held his breath, awaiting a response, an explanation,  _something_. Thomas seemed like he wanted to pull away, and yet his grip on Alex was unwavering. "I didn't know what else to do..."

That didn't answer any of Alex's questions. He sputtered, shaking his head a little. "Thomas-"

"Should I not have?" Thomas asked then, "Is-is- uh- is that allowed?"

Alex blushed, his heart fluttering wildly in his chest. "I mean…" Shyly, he admitted, "I'd be alright with doing it again."

Thomas looked surprised; his eyes wide. "Oh! Really!?"

Alex nodded, giddy. He tried to force some seriousness into his voice as he chidded, "But not while we're on a fucking supply run. If you're really that horny we have other problems."

Thomas' cheeks darkened and he muttered, "Fair enough." He cleared his throat and asked then, small and still unsure, after everything, "So… are we okay?"

It bewildered Alexander that Thomas was asking him the very thing that  _he_  was worried about since the Baby Incident. Were they truly that blind to each other's thoughts? He found some strange humor in it.

"Oh, yes, we're okay." Alex promised in a rush. Thomas relaxed, and the two shared a quiet moment. Thomas looked like he had more to say, and Alex had more, too. But something to their left made a scary noise, and he figured they could finish up this conversation later. He glanced around at all the empty houses, "Now, let's get moving. This place gives me the creeps."

Thomas agreed, and they set off further down the road; away from the ghost town, away from the highways, away from Aaron Burr. It was just him and Thomas. Alex can't help but wonder…

What could possibly come next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!  
> Come chill with me on [tumblr](https://esompthinfics.tumblr.com/)


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